How to Stop Spiraling

Hi everyone, and welcome to another episode of Hannah Talks About Things. So today on this rainy Sunday, I'm gonna do a short video that gives you a really, really easy-to-use way to combat core irrational beliefs. Whether it's feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness, whether it's the tendency to overthink things and then spiral in your head about all of these possible outcomes, or maybe it's just unnecessary stress and worry, I'm gonna teach you Albert Ellis's RAP Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. It is a method of combating core irrational beliefs. So I bought a whiteboard. So let me paint a picture for you. First and foremost, I'm wearing sweatpants. Normally I do like business on the top, staying at home on a Sunday on the bottom, but I'm gonna need to use my knee as a prop. And so you're gonna see, you know, the person behind the curtain. I'm wearing sweatpants. So a lot of times what happens is there's an activating event, right? Something happens and it sends us on this slew of behavioral or emotional clusters, and we don't really know what's happening. And so if you have ever been to one of my lectures, you will know that I've used this before. I've written about this before, but I just wanted to do a really easy-to-use and simple visual aid in terms of starting to dispute your core irrational beliefs. So So this is the ABCDE model of combating core irrational beliefs. So first things first, there's an A, right? There's an activating event. So this activating event can be anything that speaks to you. I like to use the example of getting broken up with or getting rejected. You know, I've done videos on rejection, I've written a lot of articles on rejection, and the reason for that is because with rejection, human beings have this almost uncanny way of personalizing it. And even if it has to do with the other person or the scenario, we have a tendency to internalize it and say, this is about me, I'm not enough. So let's say the activating event is getting rejected, some form or fashion, whether we get broken up with, we get cheated on, we don't get the job that we wanted, etc. So this is really I didn't think this through. So what happens is B, we have a core irrational belief that follows. So this core irrational belief is something that we may construct or cultivate without even knowing it, or maybe we're aware of it. So I'll ask you, normally in a lecture setting I'll say, you know, how many of you have been broken up with? And a lot of people raise their hands, and I say, okay, so what's the core irrational belief that follows? And people look at me like I just said a lot of words. Like, what do we tend to think about ourselves? People raise their hands and say, I'm unworthy, I'm unlovable, I'm gonna be alone forever, etc. Core irrational beliefs. They're irrational because we're making these kind of shame-based narratives, these labels about ourselves that may not be based in reality. It's more of a feeling. But the example I always give is, you know, getting broken up with when I was 16 years old and inadvertently developing the core irrational belief that I was unlovable, and I was gonna be alone forever, right? Sounds melodramatic, but that's just how I reacted. So the next thing is C, the consequence of the core irrational belief. Now, most humans just stay in these three things over and over and over, just ABC, ABC, ABC. And unless we bring a level of awareness to this, it's just gonna keep happening. So you get rejected, you tell yourself you're unworthy, unlovable, inadequate, not good enough, etc. The consequence can be many and varied. So one consequence is if I truly believe I'm unlovable, I'm gonna push people away, or I'm only gonna attract people that validate my core irrational belief. Because that's the human experience, is that if I truly believe that I'm not good enough, I'm gonna inadvertently create scenarios that validate the belief that I'm not good enough. So we accept the love we think we deserve, right? One of my favorite quotes from Stephen Chbosky's I don't know how to pronounce his last name. The Perks of Being a Wallflower. We accept the love we think we deserve. So if I don't believe I'm worthy of love, the consequence, right, the C, is that I'm going to attract people and be attracted to people that treat me like shit, right? I'm going to tolerate unfair or not great treatment from others. I believe that we teach people how to treat us, right? So if you're the kind of person that has a track record of chaotic relationships or abusive or toxic, etc., oftentimes they're stemming from a core irrational belief. Because if I know my worth, I'm not going to stay in a relationship where I'm constantly questioning my sanity, I'm questioning if I'm good enough, I'm trying to get them to love me. If I know my worth, I'm not going to do that. So consequence is just being in a slew of really shitty relationships. Um, let's say the activating event is relapsing if you're in recovery, right? The core irrational belief could be, I'm incapable of sobriety and I'm never gonna make it. The consequence is that we continue to drink and use, right? If I don't have shred of self-efficacy, like, I think I can, I think I can get sober, I think I can do this, I'm not gonna do it, right? I truly believe that, um, I'm gonna self-sabotage if I don't know my worth. And if I don't know that I can do something, I might not try. Let's say the activating event, on a more trivial but relatable level, is getting a text from someone saying, hey, can we talk later? It might sound dumb, but if any of you have gotten that text, you know that sucks. Why? Because we develop this core irrational belief, not just about the scenario, like, oh my god, they're mad at me, or I'm in trouble, but then we internalize it, right? I'm not a good friend. I'm not a good spouse. You know, I'm gonna get fired. I don't know if any of you do that, but I've always done that. If I get an email from a boss being like, hey, stop by my office later, I'm like, I'm fired. The consequence of that is just unnecessary stress and worry, right? For those of you that struggle with overthinking, Living in this ABC cycle really exacerbates that problem. It's something happens, we develop core irrational beliefs, we typically live in assumptions and taking things personally. A great book recommendation for that is The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. And the consequences are we push people away, we have anxious avoidant attachment styles, right? We are creating chaos. There's just so many things. An activating event could be literally anything. Right, one that I like is when we personalize things that have nothing to do with us. So let's say I'm filming a video and the power goes out. My core irrational belief could be, why is this happening to me? Bad things always happen to me. Like, I'm creating a scenario where I'm playing the victim with something that has literally nothing to do with me. And the consequence is that I believe I'm a victim, and I believe that bad things happen to me, instead of telling myself the narrative, this is It's just happening and I'm bringing meaning and personalization to it. So most human beings live in this ABC cycle. Okay. And so what Albert Ellis, the positive psychologist, teaches us to do is dispute the core irrational beliefs. And so for those of you that responded to my Instagram questions like, hey, what are some videos that you want to do or listen to? This is really gonna help with that. So for overthinking or for feeling neglected or abandoned or for abandonment or, you know, living in fear of what other people think, etc., which I'm gonna do a separate video on. Learning how to dispute the core irrational belief is super important. And in disputing, we're able to actually fact-check and say, okay, first of all, let me bring a level of mindfulness, right, non-judgmental awareness to this process that just happened. So let's say I get broken up with, you know, that's— that is painful. But am I developing a belief about myself? I'm never gonna be happy. I'm unlovable. I'm inadequate. I'm too much, right? Never do we say maybe they're not enough, right? I'm too much, etc. The consequence, instead of just going on autopilot from ABC, ABC, ABC, I'm gonna pause and say, okay, wait, is this based in reality? Do I have evidence to prove this? And you might be like, yeah, I have evidence. All of my relationships fail. Okay. You know, would this statement, I'm unlovable, hold up in a court of law? And we start to ask ourselves these objective questions like, is this how I'm feeling right now, or is this true? And one may argue, well, if it's how I'm feeling, then it is true. But is it? Right? Maybe I need to look at, well, what is it about my relationships? How am I in those relationships? And are these things I can change? And if you tell yourself, I can't change, that's bullshit, and that's a cop-out. Seek help, right? Ask people that have what you want and do what they do. That's a gross simplification, but if you really struggle with relationships and self-worth and self-esteem and you're trying to think your way out of it, you're not going to. And if you're trying to talk to your friends, the reality is that we attract people that are on our level of sanity. And so often we'll surround ourselves with people that are also struggling with the same things because it normalizes our experience, and then we're just in an echo chamber chamber of potential dysfunction. So like, go to therapy. And if you're like, "I can't, I don't have time," I used to say, "I can't afford it," and it was like, "Well, I could afford all these other things. I can afford $5 at Starbucks every day, but I can't afford therapy?" No, it just was that it wasn't a priority until I was in enough pain to take that leap. It's the best thing I ever did. And then, lastly, we get to experience E. The positive effects of combating the core irrational belief with our dispute. And the positive effects is not taking things as personally, not living out this kind of autopilot, I am the victim of life circumstances and everything happens to me and I'm gonna be alone forever and I'm stressed all the time and I'm living in fear, right? We get to just pause. And this whole thing really requires a level of mindfulness. With the ability to just notice. And mindfulness to a tee is essentially non-judgmental awareness. So not, goddammit Hannah, you're doing that thing again where you make something about you, you shouldn't feel this way, you're a therapist. That's not helpful, that's shame-based. Rather, I just notice, huh, I'm feeling some shame, okay, wow, I have some self-centered fear, etc. Now I'm going to use this in another video to talk about also how to deconstruct some barriers that stop us from getting to where we want to go. I'm actually probably gonna make that video now. So it has been 10 and a half minutes, which is short for me, but if you have any questions about this, just look up— or you can message me, but I'd rather you just look it up, to be quite honest. I'd rather you look up REBT, right? Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. It's super helpful, and like I said, it's one of the only things I retained in college, mostly because I was in my acting alcoholism and in a perpetual blackout, but also because it's just easy. Huh. ABCDE. It's a nice visual aid. Where am I? Am I here, or am I incorporating this ability to dispute? So, I wish you luck in all your endeavors, although luck has nothing to do with it. It's just about action. Start doing the stuff. It's really, really helpful. Okay, bye!