Imposter Syndrome & Gratitude Shaming

Hi everybody, welcome to another episode of Hannah Talks About Things. So I am home right now and I'm really sick, but I'm about to go into the office to see some private practice clients. So excuse my voice sounding really low, but today just briefly I wanted to talk about the topic of shame, as always, of imposter syndrome, and of shaming ourselves for feeling pain when someone else has it worse. So first and foremost, you know, guilt and shame are two really different processes. Guilt is I feel bad. Shame is I am bad. So those are two really different processes, which means I can feel guilty about something, but when I internalize that guilt and feel like it's a reflection of who I am as a person, that's shame. And so going along with that, we can experience imposter syndrome. Now I've worked with people in their early teens all the way until probably mid to late 80s professionally, and I have found a really common trend, and it's that we fear what other people are going to think of us if they get to know the real us. And often this can manifest in what's called imposter syndrome. Now imposter syndrome can manifest in a myriad of ways. So when I first started being a counselor, I felt like, oh my God, how am I in this position? You know, what if they know? Know what? I don't even know. It's just like I was starting a new profession And I felt like an imposter, right? Even recently, a couple months ago, I started private practice and just seeing clients one-on-one, you know, one of my first thoughts was like, am I an imposter? Do I know what I'm doing? I do. I actually do know what I'm doing and I've been trained for this, but it doesn't matter because that feeling of imposter syndrome is universal. Whether you work in some kind of public arena, like in politics, or you're a writer or an artist, or let's say you just got a new job at a restaurant and, you know, the guests are asking you about the menu and You're wondering like, do I even know what I'm doing? That is a normal feeling. But now imposter syndrome left untreated or unprocessed can really manifest into some deep shame. And that shame can have to do with, do I deserve the things that I have? You know, and that unworthiness or inadequacy, that can be a huge facet of imposter syndrome. So in your current relationships, do you feel like, why is this person with me? Do you feel like, well, if they knew the real me, they wouldn't like me? Amongst your friends, your coworkers, your peers, your intimate relationships. If so, that's still some imposter syndrome. And it's this belief that we need to put on different masks with different people. And often when I bring up the masks, people say, well, who you are at work is probably different than who you are with your friends because you need to have boundaries and be professional. And for a while that was true, right? I've kind of felt like two different people, but I found that that wasn't me living authentically. And so at work with clients and, um, you know, I can be professional and not disclose tons of personal information, but still be authentic. And that authenticity means I'm going to be hyper sometimes. I'm gonna get really passionate about things, you know. I swear, I say fuck sometimes, right? I'm going to be authentic. And if I'm that way at work, I'm that way with my friends, I'm that way in my relationships. And it— I start to become— I'm living on this plane of homeostasis, as opposed to the opposite of that, which would be at work I'm one person, with friends I'm one person, in my relationship I'm another person. You can see that that kind of living can lead us to feel fragmented or fractured in a way, like, who am I really? And then again, that can lead to imposter syndrome, because if we don't know who we are and we don't feel comfortable living authentically, then we absolutely aren't going to feel like we deserve the job or the life that we have. We're gonna feel like a fraud. And if you've ever felt this way and you haven't been able to pinpoint it, know that that is normal. I love talking to people about imposter syndrome because I find that most people have experienced that, especially when you start a new job. But this can exist in a plethora of different areas of our lives. And then the last thing— excuse me— I wanted to talk about was a feeling of shame about feeling pain when someone else has it worse. So this isn't an actual term, I don't think, but I talk about it a lot, and I call it gratitude shaming. And gratitude shaming is when we tell ourselves, I should be grateful, I shouldn't be feeling this way. This person has it worse. Who am I to talk about my pain because the Amazon rainforest is on fire, etc. Right? And so gratitude shaming, what that does, it doesn't make us necessarily any more grateful and, you know, have the ability to have perspective, which is really, really healthy. What it does is it enables us to shove our feelings down with this, you know, universal should. I shouldn't feel this way. I shouldn't be thinking this. I shouldn't be in pain. I should have it all together by now, etc. And all that pain stays, but we're just shoving it down. And so be super cognizant and mindful of gratitude shaming. You know, if you have a great job and you get paid well and you have a family and you have the dog and you're driving to work and you're feeling really stressed out about some of those things, what is not helpful is to say, "Why am I stressed? I should be more grateful." Like, 'kay. Well, you're feeling stress and honor that. I can't stress enough the importance of honoring our emotional experience because that's all we have. Perspective-taking is such an important piece, right? So if I'm really stressed out about a friendship and I'm really, you know, just stuck in that bubble of self in my life, it's helpful to say, okay, wait, in the grand scheme of things, like, am I gonna be okay? Yes. You know, are there bigger issues in the world? 100%. But those bigger issues don't negate my emotional experience. And so we need to really walk that line of having perspective and Hi Lola! Come here, come here! Having perspective, but also being able to acknowledge what it is we're feeling and accept that. This is Lola. Hi Lola! Hi! Lola is very old. Anyway, so I just, I don't know, I was sitting on my couch watching Harry Potter and I thought, you know, these are some things I've been meaning to talk about. I haven't made a video in a while, so I wanted to make one today. Um, I'm gonna take some more Alka-Seltzer and I hope you all have a great day. But just remember, feeling like an imposter in some area of your life is normal and it's common, but talk about it. Um, feeling shame that you even feel pain and stress because you should be grateful, that's gratitude shaming and it's not helpful. So be cognizant of doing that, not only to yourself but to others. I've absolutely had conversations where I've said, Oh my God, I feel like I don't have a ton of free time and I'm working on a work-life balance, and someone will say to me, "Yeah, but you should be grateful you have a job." And they mean well, and I choose to believe that everyone means well and is doing the best they can with what they have, but let it be known, for me at least, that's not helpful. Like, "Yeah, well, you should be grateful." Okay, well, I am grateful, but I'm also feeling stressed, or I'm also feeling pain, and I can be grateful for what I have while simultaneously experiencing other emotional processes. So happy Thursday. Is today Thursday? Yeah. Hope you all have a great day. Okay, bye.