Loneliness & Social Media

Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of Hannah Talks About Things. First and foremost, I just really wanted you all to meet Ralph. Oh, he is not happy with me right now. This is Ralph. He is just over 1 year old and he is a miniature Aussie Doodle and he is my son. He is also a big boy and 36 pounds. The vet says he needs to lose weight. So, okay, bye! I love you so much. Oh, I should not be out of breath from picking him up, but I am. Anyway, hi! It's been a really long time since I made a video. I haven't been making videos, I haven't been writing, I haven't really been doing anything in that regard, but I've been doing a lot of other things. So I'm not using my whole like light setup, I'm not using the mic, I'm just kind of too lazy, but I wanted to— I wanted to do a video, and I think I'm gonna have a lot more in the coming days and weeks. Uh, but just to give you all an update on what I've been doing, I discovered a love of reading, like rediscovered my love of reading. It is February 26th and I've read 18 books since January 1st. Um, I listen to Audible like all the time, so when I'm cooking— or my partner does most of the cooking— when I'm cleaning, when I'm walking my dog, when I'm yeah, like just doing things, I'm always listening to Audible. So that's a great way to kind of get to experience books but not have to sit down and read. And I've been doing Audible for a couple years now, I absolutely love it. But like I said, recently I discovered my love of like actual reading. And so since maybe like December, October, I started reading. And not like self-help and not like therapy stuff and not intense stuff because I do want to prevent burnout. And so instead I've been— I just realized I've been looking at like the corner like of the phone and not the actual camera. So hello, hi. Like just fiction, just fiction. I've read so many good books. I will put a list of recommendations for good books of all different kinds of genres, including those self-help ones like Brené Brown and Glennon Doyle. And I love them both, but I've just been reading a ton of fiction. Anyway, that's what I've been doing in my free time. I also have been fortunate enough to acquire a Peloton and— I know it's like a joke that people who have Pelotons can't not talk about Peloton, but like life-changing. I— the instructors are amazing. They're like personable and you feel like they're talking to you and it's so fun and such a good outlet just to get your energy out or emotion. It is phenomenal. I mean, I've cried on that bike. I have laughed. I have sung along to every musical. It's just— it's really great. So I've been doing— I've been reading a lot and doing Peloton. Fun fact, the Duolingo app is free and you can just learn languages on it. And so I had started watching a reality show on YouTube in French called The Circle. There's an American version too. And I was like, I want to relearn French. And so I downloaded Duolingo and I'm like obsessed with learning French now. So anyway, I've been doing a lot of stuff for me, right? I've been doing a lot of self-care stuff. And I realized recently after doing a podcast a week or so ago, I miss public speaking. I miss doing videos. I miss writing. I feel like the last maybe 6 months or so, it's just been really energizing. I've mentioned this before, but I've been off all social media except LinkedIn since, I think, March, since the pandemic started last year. And it has been life-changing in so many ways. And I do, I feel like a lot of my energy and time to just focus on me and do the things I wanna do, but feel productive and feel engaged, or lounge and do nothing at all, which also feels awesome. Has been largely due to the fact that my eyes are not glued to a screen and I'm not scrolling looking at other people's lives. So what I wanted to talk about today in preparation for an article I'm writing for this amazing website and app called Thinkladder. I'm writing this article about loneliness and social media, and I thought to kind of get my creative juices flowing, it would be helpful for me— I actually just decided just now that that's what I want to talk about. I don't know what I was gonna talk about, and I had nothing planned, and that's how I like it. So I had just done this podcast last week or two weeks ago about vicarious trauma and compassion fatigue. And compassion fatigue is something that many of us can experience, you know, um, I think it's talked about most in healthcare professions, specifically mental health, but I can see it happening with literally anyone that has interactions with other humans who are having a hard time in life. So healthcare professionals, mental health professionals, people who just have people in their lives that are going through crisis, but like all the time. Maybe you're that friend who everyone leans on. And so compassion fatigue is when Essentially, I mean, the name, the term, like, says it for itself. Our ability to have compassion for other people fatigues, just like our muscles fatigue out during a tough workout. Like, it starts to decrease. Our ability to have empathy starts to decrease, and we find ourselves being hardened. We find ourselves being a little jaded. And I noticed when I was working at a 28-day inpatient facility— shout out to Ashley Addiction Treatment, such a phenomenal place to work, such a phenomenal place to go if you're struggling with addiction— and no, they're not like sponsoring me, so I don't I don't get a kickback for saying that. It's a really amazing place. I think the website is ashleyaddictiontreatment.org. I think, I hope. Just look up Ashley Addiction Treatment. Anyway, I worked there for about 4 and a half years, and I noticed towards the end of my time there that I was experiencing not only compassion fatigue but vicarious trauma. And so compassion fatigue, like I said, as our ability to feel compassion for others starts to decrease, but vicarious trauma is when we are exposed to and/or witnessing, listening to trauma that someone else has experienced, and we start to feel the effects of trauma, vicarious traumatization. And so, when I work with a really high-intensity population with tons of life and death and sexual trauma and any kind of trauma, unless I'm really adequately taking care of myself and cultivating emotional boundaries, I'm going to also be traumatized. If you have witnessed witnessed someone else experience trauma firsthand, vicarious trauma. That's actually just trauma. Witnessing abuse, witnessing domestic violence, witnessing someone dying, that is a traumatic experience. Vicarious trauma would then be hearing about that experience, and whether you have so much empathy to the point of codependence or enmeshment where you are feeling what they're feeling, which, by the way, is not being a good friend. That's actually damaging to you. Because we can't keep showing up for other people if we have no boundaries and we feel everything that they feel, right? We need to be able to cultivate that sweet spot between— for me, at least, this is what's worked for me as a mental health professional, as someone who's in recovery. So I am constantly hearing about and listening to really traumatic stories because most people who end up sober and recovering don't get there on a winning streak, right? Like, things typically are pretty bad before people get sober. Anyway, is I need to find that sweet spot between being able to be present for someone, like genuinely present and empathetic and authentic in my empathy, but also have enough emotional boundaries that I'm not like, "Oh my God, I'm gonna put myself in your shoes all the time and think about this all the time and feel what you're feeling." That would limit my usefulness to others. That would limit my ability to have a work-life balance. That would limit my ability to have a quality of life that I want, that I deserve. I think that I like using that word. Actually, I don't like using that word, but I do think worthiness— I can make a whole other YouTube video about worthiness. You know what? I'm gonna make a note of that. I wanna do a video on worthiness, deserving, all these just cognitive distortions. Anyway, a quality of life that I want. So what was I gonna talk about? Oh, sorry if you could hear that really clearly. I have my headphones in so that hopefully this sounds like a microphone would, but Social media. It has been 8 minutes. Okay, so things I've realized, and this is in preparation for writing that article: loneliness and social media go hand in hand. And I'm gonna speak about my experiences, right? So if you have social media, which I'm sure you do, otherwise how did you find this, uh, post? Uh, someone sent it to you. I guess YouTube's social media, but I don't scroll on YouTube and watch videos. I did before, but I don't really anymore. I have LinkedIn. I think I said that. Catch me on LinkedIn. Catch me on Goodreads. Great website. Goodreads.com where you can review books and look at books that your friends are reading and rate them and get ideas. I'm constantly on Goodreads because I'm always reading 2 books at a time. Anyway, also I do want to say this and I don't know if this is a shame-based statement or what but I can just already hear this is— yeah, shame. Like, I speak really quickly. I get really passionate about things. I get really amped up about life and just things. And some criticism I've heard in the past is, "Hannah, you should slow down." I hear you, probably valid. I have a hard time slowing down. I'll work on that. Or jokingly, not jokingly, people being like, "What is she on? Can I have what she's having? Like, wow, must be the coffee." Or like, "Wonder if it's Adderall." If you are prescribed a stimulant like Adderall, Vyvanse, or Strattera— Strattera is a non-narcotic stimulant— okay. I don't have ADHD. I have never had ADD, um, that I know of, and this is my baseline. And so a lot of times, yeah, I'm gonna share this, people jokingly, not jokingly, are like, wow, like, that coffee must be really good. And it's like, yeah, this isn't chemical. This is who I am. This is how I am. And I refuse to feel shame about it or feel insecure that people are gonna think I'm on drugs. I am a recovering alcoholic. I've been sober in Alcoholics Anonymous. For this year it will be 10 years. So I just wanted to put that out there. You know? There's also sometimes trolls on the internet who are like, "Meh," and say really, really mean things. Like, one guy said, I'll never forget this, like, he was British and he said something like, "She's so young I can still see the cradle marks on her ass." He said arse. And I was like, whoa, like, that doesn't feel good. So anyway, I'm just gonna like own the hate that sometimes comes and say fuck all of that. As Brené Brown says, "It is not the critic who counts." That's actually a Theodore Roosevelt quote that she uses all the time. It's the man in the arena, right? And in this case, this is a woman, and I'm putting myself in an arena to be seen on YouTube. So social media and loneliness. Everything that I talk about is my opinion, it's my experience, right? You may have social media and have a great healthy relationship with it. You may not spend hours scrolling on social media like I did. You may not feel either jealous of someone or resentful of them in some way or critical of them like I would all the time. You may be able to scroll on Instagram and see someone and not think either, "Wow, I want what they have," or, "I bet it's all bullshit," which is the two kind of extremes that I would experience. And so you may have a healthy relationship with social media. I have found through countless times of like taking time away from it and then coming back and trying to moderate and use it mindfully that like, it just doesn't serve me. And people would say, you know, oh my God, like, what are you even up to? You're off the grid. And that's what it did feel like at first. I genuinely had some weird, like, not weird, existential— what are you doing, Ralph? Hey bud, what do you do? What do you do? Existential dynamics internally of like, does anything I do matter if people can't see it? Which is such an intense and important question because it illuminates this this core complex I had of I need it to be seen in order for it to be true for me. So like, in the last year, like, I traveled a little bit very safely and for the first time ever, like, didn't post any pictures on social media. And it was such an interesting experience to just be present and to just be there without inadvertently yelling, "Look at me!" into the void. Because that for me is what social media is. It's like, "Oh, if I didn't receive enough nurture or attention as a child, there's a part of me—" part of me that's like, "Look at me! I just wanna be seen! I wanna be validated! I wanna be liked! I want you to know that I'm enough! Because unless you think I'm enough, I can't think I'm enough!" And that was my experience and relationship with social media. And so, I'm not here to stand on a soapbox and preach why everyone should not be on social media, but I will say a book that was incredibly illuminating for me and helpful— I read this about a year and a half ago, I made a whole YouTube video about it— It's called How to Break Up with Your Phone by Catherine Price. And this book was really helpful in first— the first half of the book laying out the facts of like what our very intense phone usage does to us neurologically, behaviorally, and mentally. And the second half of the book is kind of like a how-to guide. And the goal is not to never use a smartphone. I'm literally filming on my iPhone right now. I use Google often. My Google algorithm knows exactly what to put on that homepage. Yeah, my Google algorithm is really funny. You know, I use music apps, I use Audible, like I use apps. I use Duolingo for like hours every day to freaking learn French. Um, and it's not about villainizing phones, it's not even about villainizing social media, it's about looking internally at the effect that it's having on us. So Loneliness and Social Media, which is the article that I'm gonna write probably later today for ThinkLadder. Again, thinkladder.com. They're not paying me to say this. I highly recommend going to their website and even downloading their app. It's wild because when I see an app that's $6.99, I'm like, oh my God, that's so expensive. I would never pay for that. But then like my Starbucks order is almost $6 and it's like pay $6.99 once for an app that's probably gonna benefit me long-term or pay $6.99 or pay, you know, $5 for a venti iced soy latte that I'm gonna drink within an hour. It's just interesting how we do that. I don't know if you do that, but if I see an app that's $0.99, I'm like, nope, free or bust. So interesting. Everybody. So I mean, I'm gonna write a whole article about this and I'll probably do another video about it. And this is already 14 and a half minutes, so it's gonna take like 2 hours to upload to YouTube. But what I wanna say is If we can become aware of our feelings of loneliness, when we feel lonely, when we feel isolated, when we feel disconnected, and notice, you know, do you feel connected when you're on social media? The answer might be absolutely yes, that's how I feel connected. Like, okay, cool. That's not my experience. My experience with social media is that I compare my insides to everyone else's outsides. Like, wow, they have it all together, or wow, they have the perfect body, wow, they're relationship looks great. This is a really harsh judgment. Maybe I shouldn't say it. Yeah, okay, in my opinion, and this is based in my own experiences, so this may not be true for you, but the more someone needs to post about themselves or their relationship or their anything they're doing, on a certain level, maybe subconsciously, the deeper the insecurity is. Like, if I'm secure in my relationship, I don't need to share every part of it with all of you. And there have been absolutely times where I needed to share, I needed others to see. I was in a long-distance relationship for 3 years, and I loved that person so much, but the long-distance piece had a big root of insecurity of like, "Is this gonna work out?" And so, I mean, I documented our entire relationship, and I loved when people would comment #couplegoals and stuff like that. And the issue— I could do an entire YouTube video about why #goals is so detrimental to our own self-worth. I'm gonna write that down too. Because I always say I want to do things and then I never do them. That's a blanket statement. Let me reframe. I always have like lots of ideas, but then I often don't follow through because I'm like, I'm gonna just do this instead. Just like this video, which I didn't know what I was gonna talk about and then decided to talk about loneliness and social media like halfway through. So bring a level of mindfulness and awareness to your social media usage. Notice when you feel resentful. For me, the nail in the coffin was that when people would talk to me about being really insecure or really struggling with body image, and then I'd log on to Instagram and see those same people post like 10 pictures in a bikini like a thirst trap, I don't know why— I do know why— it would make me really resentful. And I don't like being resentful. I don't like being frustrated and annoyed and cynical and judgmental. And maybe this is more a reflection of me than it is of social media, but social media I am in a place or have been where social media brings out those parts of me, the parts of me that make me compare myself to others. What do you do? The parts of me that are judgmental of others. And again, it's like I'm either, I want to be more like you or I'm judging you. And if you can look at social media totally objectively or neutrally and just be like, wow, good for them, which I'm sure I've also done a lot of. I'm using a lot of extremes here. Awesome. Maybe open up the screen time setting on your phone and look at how much, how many hours in a day you're putting into social media or any app on your phone, like a game like Candy Crush, right? These apps, which Catherine Price talks about, are literally developed like slot machines to keep us going. Watch The Social Dilemma on Netflix. You won't want your kids to have any screen time. It is terrifying. As Brené Brown said in one of her TED Talks years ago at this point, we are the most like technologically connected but mentally and emotionally isolated generation. And that has just been compounded exponentially in the last like 5 years. So anyway, a lot to think about. Um, yeah, I think I'm gonna make more videos. Comment if you have a specific kind of video that you want to hear or like writing you want me to do or questions. Um, yeah, I don't know, I'm just super pumped to be back on here. It feels really rejuvenating. And I hope if you in your life are taking a break from being productive or output. Your self-worth is not contingent on what you produce. I know it's easier to say that than to feel that, but I can't stress that enough. It's a lesson that's been taught to me a lot this past year by a mentor of mine. And she says, "Hannah, you have inherent worth just for existing." And it's like, what a concept. I don't need a PhD. I don't need a TED Talk. I don't need these external things. I don't need all of your validation, right? —this is the part where I normally say, like, subscribe, like, subscribe on YouTube. The only reason I'd want you to subscribe, or the main primary reason, is so that I have more subscribers and that looks better, right? Like, it's so ingrained. Like, subscribe if you want to see more of these. Subscribe if this has been beneficial for you. But like, I don't need your subscription in order to feel better about myself. And to me, that's emotional freedom. And this year-ish off social media has really given me that. So, okay, bye. Also, I'll have to let you see Ralph. She? I'll let you she Ralph. Where's the boy? I don't know. Oh, there he is. Hello. He's like, why are you like this? All right, friends, bye.