#12: How to Love Yourself with Jess Hendrick

Welcome back to another episode of She's Got Notions. I'm joined this week with the lovely Jess Hendrick. Jess is a Conscious Relationship And Dating Coach, which really just focuses on the relationship with you and how that impacts your relationship with others, whether it's romantic, platonic, work, or whatever. I find this, like, this podcast episode to be really interesting because a lot of people don't realize realize that the relationship with themselves is so important, and they usually blame others for the success or failures in their personal relationships, whether it's with their family, with their career, or their love life. So let's get right into it and focus on the relationship with ourselves.

Tell me about yourself and what inspired you to get into Conscious Relationship And Dating Coach.

Thank you so much for having me. For my entire life, I have really experienced challenges in my relationships, and it started from the time I was very young with my relationships with my family and just being a really sensitive kid who felt kind of every emotion. It wasn't really okay in my family or accepted. I learned a lot, you know, at a young age kind of about how I needed to be in the world in order to function in my family. And so as I got older, I realized I was still playing out these patterns that I learned as a kid that didn't serve me anymore in my adult relationships. Relationship. So I really became passionate about learning myself how to evolve and grow, to have healthy, loving relationships with friends and with my family and with romantic partners. And now it's my mission to kind of guide others to do the same.

Oh, that's amazing. And it's really wonderful that you've taken something that like hurt you in the past and you're making it something to make it worth your while and to give back, really. What kind of patterns did you have as a child that you saw in your adult relationships?

So it's really interesting because it goes back to our subconscious mind and how it really controls the way that we operate in the world. So I think something like 95% of our daily, daily actions and things that we do come from our subconscious. When we're really little, between the ages of 0 and 7 or so, we, we decide our beliefs about the world and based on our environment, based on our interaction with our family and things around us, and so for me as a kid, I developed certain beliefs. Like a big one was that I have to be perfect in order to be lovable. Another one was kind of that I have to, I have to prove my worth. Like I have to show that I'm valuable in whatever way, shape, or form. And there's a bunch of them and, and we all have these beliefs in, in whatever way, shape, or form. So it's not to make our family wrong or, or anything like that. It's just to recognize that as a little kid, we created these beliefs to try to make sense of the world, but it starts to create issues issues when we play out these beliefs in our day-to-day lives, if that makes sense.

Yeah. So define what is a conscious relationship coach? Some people might know what a relationship coach is, but a conscious relationship coach is new. It's new to me anyway.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. So basically a conscious relationship coach to me focuses on every relationship. So not only romantic relationship, but our relationship to ourself. Which is in my opinion the most important because it sets the foundation for every other relationship and also our relationship to our family, our relationship to our work, our relationship to money. So it's really every single form of relationship that we can have and kind of using all of it as a tool to evolve and grow within ourselves. So that's what I do with my clients is we kind of explore what's happening in your life, how is it showing up, what patterns are repeating and Is it serving you? And if not, what is it kind of showing you about yourself that we'd like to kind of peel back or release or let go, step more fully into who we want to be in the world?

So how do you— like, that's such a personal thing to like open up like that. And what's involved in like inner work and stuff like that?

Whenever I work with clients, they usually come to me because they're in some sort of cycle that they can't seem to break. Whether it's kind of dating the same person over and over again, maybe the same person in a different body, but the same dynamics are showing up over and over again, or kind of being drawn to unavailable people, abandoning themselves in order to be accepted or loved by someone else. So really any kind of pattern that's repeating that they, they aren't able to kind of identify where it's coming from. I can guide them and we go back into past experiences and past memories to really uncover the beliefs, the beliefs are what create the external experience. So that's how it becomes kind of a freeing experience for people.

Oh, so when you say you go back in like their past memories and stuff, do you believe in like the whole past lives thing or are you just talking about like your, like their childhood or like memories that they might have suppressed or something?

I do believe in past lives. I wouldn't say I really bring that into my coaching per se. However, I believe that whatever's coming forward, whether it's from this life or a past life, we can experience explore it in the here and now and really uncover it, releasing kind of the emotion behind it, because that's what gives it its power. So if we can kind of realize this is just a belief, it's just a thought that I kept thinking rather than like, this is how it is.

Yeah, I know you worked like you probably worked with a lot of people, so there might be like patterns with people that is like constantly occurring with everyone. Is there a certain pattern that you've noticed with like clients that you've had and even people everywhere?

That's a really good question. Yeah. So it's usually some form of "I'm not enough." So, but it can sound like, "I'm not enough. I'm not, you know, pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough," whatever it is. Or, "I'm different. I don't fit in. I'll be alone. I'm crazy." So any kind of like set of those, those beliefs, but it's usually a theme that shows up in people's lives and it's some form of "I'm not enough." And do you think that like everyone's experience is different, or do you think that it kind of stems from like the same like umbrella term really? I do think everyone's experience is different but the same, if that makes sense. I think we might have different experiences growing up, but our brains are designed to keep us safe so that we can survive, so that we can evolve and expand and all of that, right? So when we're kids, we're going to focus on the things that kind of create discord within us because we need to navigate around those to survive. So we might kind of stick on one or two of these experiences that we had, even if we had a beautiful childhood. But let's say one day our mom denied us an ice cream cone and we made it mean, well, I don't deserve, you know, good things.

Oh, wow. Yeah.

So interesting. And it's really the way that our brains are formulated so that we can survive and evolve. So it's, it's really interesting, but every single person I've worked with has a set of beliefs that aren't serving them.

So like how, how do you then like uncover these subconscious beliefs? Is it just like certain questions or, cause like some people might suppress their memories and stuff like, as you've said. And so how do you dig out, dig it out?

Yeah, that's a really good question. So it is true that some people do suppress memories, especially if it's somewhat traumatic and trauma can range from like trauma with a little t, um, anything that just had an impact on you so great that you developed a belief around it. So even the ice cream cone could be like a little t trauma and then all the way up to like a big T crisis level trauma. And so some people do block things out. However, the pattern will still show up in your life. So we go back into past belief and really just, I would take my clients back and say, okay, take me back to a time where you felt similar to how you feel today in this moment. What's the first thing that pops into your head? And then the memory comes forward, whatever it is, and we have to trust the process. We have to trust that what whatever comes forward, that's what's ready to be revealed and healed and transmuted. And if something's not coming forward, maybe it's not time yet and that's okay. A lot of times when we go back over the memory, we do it multiple times and each time a little bit more is uncovered, a little bit more is revealed. So sometimes people will have this, oh my gosh, I didn't even know that this happened. And it comes to them in a session.

Oh my God. That like, yeah, that's so interesting. Um, cause I've been doing a lot of like spiritual work and stuff and I've been bringing up a lot of memories that I haven't like remembered in so long. I'm like, why is that coming up? But that's really— I never connected that, like, your behavior in relationships are the way they are because of how your memories affected it. Yeah, that's so crazy. And so how do you break out of the old patterns then?

Good question. That's the million-dollar question. So you have to have a lot of compassion for yourself and a lot of grace for yourself, knowing that however old you are— like, for me, I'm 39, so it would, it would be, you know, 39 years of thinking a certain thought, like, I have to be perfect. So we have to have some patience and grace and compassion. And also just going back into the memory and allowing ourselves to release the emotion helps to decrease the power behind the belief. So that's one aspect. And once we've kind of done that enough times, then we focus on, okay, what do we want to create? Like, this is what's happening in our life that maybe we don't necessarily want to create. What is that showing us that we do want? So when you know what you don't want, you know what you do want. And so we get really, really clear on what do we want our life to look like and what are the tangible actions to create new wiring in the brain. So whether it's meditating every day about, you know, I'm worthy because I exist or whatever, and really giving our brain the chance to create new pathways and rewire. And as we do that more and more and more, the old subconscious beliefs will die off because we're not thinking it as much.

Yeah. So it's literally just repetition.

Yes.

Yeah.

Repetition, repetition, commitment. And I provide people tools, specific tools based on what they want to achieve and what resonates with them to support them in the rewiring.

So what relationships do you— like, do you usually just focus on a certain relationship or whatever relationship the client is looking to fix?

Well, the beautiful thing is it's all connected. So whether someone comes to me with you know, an issue in a romantic relationship or an issue with a parent or an issue with a boss, it's literally all the same because it's going to relate back to the programming and the beliefs from childhood. So it doesn't— so we always have to bring it back no matter what the external situation or circumstances, bring it back to ourself. What is this showing me about me? And from there, that's the key. Once you can start to have awareness around it, It's like, okay, now that I have awareness, I can see this pattern playing out and I'm going to choose differently, if that makes sense.

That's really interesting. So like someone who will be like in— because I've read on your bio that you were in like toxic and like manipulative, abusive relationships. How do you— because a lot of times a lot of people struggle to break away from that. How did you have the courage to like pull yourself away from all that?

Such a good question. So I wish I could say that it was just one day, like a snap of the fingers, but it wasn't. It was a lot of pain and a lot of misery. And I realize now, looking back at those relationships, that I was really just playing out my own beliefs about myself, attract someone that would reflect back the very thing. I have to be perfect. I'm not this enough, that enough. You know, so it's pretty profound how powerful we are with our minds and our thinking patterns. What happened is, you know, I had quite a few experiences with unavailable people, toxic people, and all of that. And eventually I was to a point where I was just on my knees in so much pain that I thought I would die.

Oh my God.

It was just so much emotional pain. And I was like, there has to be another way. It was almost like a rock bottom moment. There has to be another way. This just isn't working, right? And some people, maybe it won't take that rock bottom. Maybe they'll listen to the first whisper of like, this isn't really good for you.

Yeah, healthy.

But for me, it took the rock bottom on the knees moment, like Dark Night of the Soul, many people call it. So from there, I just started rebuilding and I started really tuning into myself and like not even thinking about dating, not even like— and just thinking, okay, how can I be what I want from these men for myself? How can I give myself Why am I giving my power away? You know, what is going on? And I had the help of coaches and I had therapy and I did a lot of inner work and it has led me to such a healthier place and I'm so grateful and I look back to the person I once was and I have a lot of compassion for her and I wish that I could talk to her and so my clients are really kind of that person who's in that space and really like, Oh my gosh, what do I do? How do I do this? And it's my pleasure and my absolute passion to guide people to the love that is within them rather than looking for someone outside of us to fill ourselves up with something that we actually didn't get in childhood. So it's not even about this person.

Oh yes, it all stems back to childhood. So do you think people like with children and raising their kids and stuff that they should be like fully aware that what their actions are gonna impact their kids in the future?

I do. And I think this is, this is a tough one because, you know, if I didn't go through what I went through as a kid, I would never be doing what I'm doing now. And I really feel that it's my calling. And so I wonder sometimes if we just come into this life with certain lessons and certain things that we're meant to learn.

Yeah.

And I actually believe that our soul chooses our parents, but some people may or may not believe that. But if that's true, then I chose them for the specific lessons that I wanted to learn. To be the person that I want to be in this lifetime. So in that way, I mean, I don't know how much of it could have maybe been different, if that makes sense. However, I do think it's important for parents to know that especially between the ages of 0 and 7, and even when the baby is in utero, like even when the mom is pregnant, the baby picks up the energy and hears, and we don't know exactly how much but it definitely picks up energy of what's happening. And when kids are little, the way the parents talk to them is imprinted in their mind as their own self-talk. So if you say to your child, like, "You're bad," or, "You're this," they're going to be like, "I'm bad." So you might want to be aware, and I'm not saying that none of us are perfect, and I have friends that have, that know this information that have kids and They're like, "Oh my gosh, I said this and now it's going to be in their subconscious." None of us are perfect, but having the awareness. And like when I'm around little kids, I try to implant as much as I can, like, "You're fabulous, you're great!" Like just get that in there so that it can be their programming.

Yeah, when you were talking about in utero and like they can feel energy, I was doing this, I don't know if you've heard of him, his name is Dr. Brian Weiss.

Oh no, no.

No, he talks about like, he does a lot of past life regressions and he's wrote really good books on it. Been like following him for a while now, and he has this video on YouTube where you can go back in your past life, and he talks about like the session is like, um, you're in utero and you can feel all the emotions and all the energy. It's wild. Like, you honestly should have a look at it. It's got births and everything. I've gone completely off topic, but like all that past life, it does make sense because if you are like, you have one soul and you just pick these different lifetimes and you're constantly needing to learn. He talks about all that, and it's like you might feel like, oh, I have nothing to I don't feel like I have any hardships or anything, but I feel like everyone always has something to learn. Yeah. Is there any, when it comes to like relationships then, for people who might not be in touch with themselves or whatever, is there common red flags that they should look out for?

Okay, well, one, one question that I always have my clients ask themselves is, how do I feel in the presence of this person? How do I feel? Because we're so programmed to kind of go outside and be like, go outside of ourselves and say, well, do they like me? Do they want me? Am I valuable? Am I worthy? And it's like, how do you feel in the presence of this person?

That's a good question.

And we don't ask ourselves that, which is, that will give you a lot of information, you know? And if you kind of find yourself, as I found myself, with men that really me, don't value— or women, if you're a guy, or, you know, any gender, whatever orientation you are, the person you're attracted to is having you question your value, your worth. Like, all of that is really— it shows you there's something there for you that you would allow that almost. But it's— there's no judgment because it's really, again, going back to— it's almost like our little inner child that we carry with us. Even though we're a certain age, we carry that child with us, and that little child is looking for the love and the acceptance that it didn't necessarily get or perceive that it got, you know. So we look for that in romantic partners, like, oh, they'll give me that, so I need them. I mean, and it's like when we give our power away like that, we're setting ourselves up for a lot of pain.

Yeah, I completely agree with you there, because I think before I was like constantly chasing guys who were like so unavailable, and I'm just like, why isn't this working? Or whatever. But I think I did a lot of inner work and just being like, like, why am I giving them so much power over my emotions? Which I think is really important because I feel like a lot of young people, especially like I'm in my 20s, and a lot of times girls, they would just give their power over to guys, and it's really sad to see. But I feel like people just need to make their own mistakes to learn because they're not going to, they're not going to listen to you. So like, what do you think about people like that? Like they won't take your advice. They're just constantly repeating these patterns.

Yeah, that's, that's a tough one. That's been one of my bigger lessons on this planet is that we can't change anybody. We really can't. So if it's something like, I mean, my clients come to me because they want change, they want transformation and they're committed. Those, those people are a pleasure for me to work with because they're like, thirsty for the information. So I'm so grateful. But there are situations where, you know, I have, I have a couple of friends that are in relationships right now that they're not healthy, and there's absolutely nothing I can do. All I can do is love them, be a supportive friend, be there if they, if they, you know, need someone to talk to. And sometimes it comes to a point where that might not even be serving them. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Yeah, we can drive ourselves crazy saying, you know, oh, I can't believe that you're in this relationship and there's, there's another way and they're not going to hear us if they're not ready. Yeah, the bottom line.

Yeah. So you just have to let them, let them make the mistakes, whatever. In the likes of today, like the modern, like modern dating with apps and stuff and serial dating. What are your thoughts on that?

And oh my gosh, I have a lot. So, okay. The first thing is people always ask me, Well, do you think I should use the apps or not? Or what should I do? Right? And again, my answer is always going to be, it's about your relationship with yourself and it doesn't matter the medium through which you meet someone. It could be an app, you could meet them at the grocery store, you could meet them through a friend. It doesn't matter. It's not like there's one formula to meet, find and meet someone.

Yeah.

Yeah. That being said, we need to work on ourselves and get super clear about what do we want to create? What are our must-haves? So what are the must-haves that you want in this relationship, if we're talking about romantic relationships? And what are your deal-breakers? Really getting so clear so that as you're navigating through, whether it's the apps or anything else, you can determine very quickly, does this person have the potential to have the must-haves Yeah, or do they have a deal breaker? And if they do, we need to love ourselves enough to know that there's— this isn't a fit, you know? But the apps are really sneaky because we get into this cycle. It's almost like another addiction where it's like, well, I just have to find my person, and so I'm gonna swipe to the next, swipe to the next, swipe to the next, right? And then let's say we meet someone and it goes well, you know, for the first 3 to 6 months honeymoon stage, like amazing, whatever, right? And then you hit a couple bumps because that's what happens. Two different people and you are, you're coming together in my opinion to evolve and grow. So you're going to come up against some challenges. That's the time where it's really like, do you want to use this to evolve or do you want to throw that person to the side and go back to swipe to find another? But you know what will happen? And it's fine either way, there's no judgment, but what will happen is you will attract the exact same dynamic in the next person if you don't work on yourself. The key to everything is working on ourselves, uncovering what is it within me that's creating this dynamic with this person, having conscious conversation, and really like using the partnership as a way to grow and evolve rather than like Well, this isn't working. Let me go back to the app and find the next shiny object, you know, like shiny object syndrome.

So do you think that's why a lot of like people nowadays, they can be a bit lost? Yeah, constantly. They're not looking at themselves. They're looking at all these external things that like will fulfill them rather than looking at themselves.

Absolutely. And, and I really want to stress that it's, it's not, it's not our fault. Adults that we do that because the programming that we take in, you know, from society with Disney movies, like those are one of the most powerful programs that we all run is like there's some knight in shining armor that's coming to pick us up on his white horse. So all we have to do is find him, or for guys, right? It's like there's this one special person and once you find this one special person, all of your problems will go away. And it's like, that's not true.

Yeah, but then again, that's when we were kids. Yeah, because that's what we watched when we were children.

Yes, and with our families and culture and everything, like, people are only deemed valuable if they have a partner. Like, it is so backwards to me. And it's really one of the truths that I want to share is that we are valuable because we exist. It's It has nothing to do with if we have a partner, if we're married, if we have children, but there's all these boxes to check.

Yeah, like society feel— I feel like has this, you have to have a certain age, you have to have a house, you have to have your kids, you have to have your husband, and it's completely changing now.

Yeah, and that whole certain age thing, it's so funny, I knew this was going to come up because I was just in session with a client right before we got on a call with you. He was saying that that he feels, you know, he's 32 and by this age he should have had X, Y, and Z accomplished, right? And it's so funny because everyone has like a different age set point. Some people it's like 40, some people it's 25, and it's like whatever this belief is that we have, we prove ourselves right. It's like, well, I'm 32, it's too late for me, da da da da da. But like the next person might say, well, I'm 40. When I'm 40, such a— it doesn't serve us, you know, that belief. So that's one of those beliefs that we want to question. Is this serving me? That like, I'm this age and so that means this, because really it's not.

Yeah, that's so refreshing to me because I'm only 23 and I just felt like, oh my god, I have so much pressure. I don't know, I felt like I should have my life together at like 23 and Now when you're saying that that's a belief, I am like, oh my god, I never thought about it that way. I just feel like I put the pressure on myself to be like, at 23 I should have X, Y, and Z. But now that I have— because of this pandemic, I'm like, I can't have all that right now. And then I also compare myself to like other people my age, and I'm like, why can't I? Why am I not doing as well as them? Like, we had this You know, I think that's another one, comparison.

Oh my gosh, yes. And so when we get into that cycle of like, well, I'm this age and I should have everything together. First of all, none of us have everything together. No one, because we're human. So sometimes we have times when things are flowing and going great and sometimes things are crashing and burning. And the more that we realize that that's just kind of part of being human is the more we can free ourselves.

Yeah.

You know? But a lot of people don't talk about this stuff, and that's another— and then it comes into the comparing because, you know, what does it show on social media? Or what do we see that maybe we see this couple on the street that looks so in love and like, why am I single? And blah, blah, blah, right? It's like, what's the story I'm telling myself? That's one question I have my clients ask themselves, or I have them say, the story I'm telling myself is that, that, that, that.

And they're comparing.

Yeah, because it's really interesting because we don't actually know. You don't actually know the ins and outs of whatever person's life that we're comparing to. So, but it's easy to get into that, into that cycle, especially because now we have more than ever before, we can compare to like millions of people through social media. So it's really, and then I come back to the question of how do I feel when I'm doing that? When I'm comparing, how do I feel? We were talking about this in the session I just had too. It's so funny. This always happens. But, you know, it might look like this person has X, Y, and Z, and they're super happy, and maybe they are. And if that's true, amazing. Shows us that it's possible. And even if it is true, they're going to have times in their life where they have challenges and they have adversity. And maybe this isn't one of those times for them. And maybe it is for us. And so we're like, why? Why me? Like, why can't I have the this, the that, the money, the car, the husband, the wife, kids, etc., right? But it's just having awareness that we're telling ourselves that story, and this equals happiness. And there's a coach that I actually— a psychologist that I love, Rob Mack, and he talks about, you know, Statistically speaking, a lot of things that we think will make us happy don't. Like, we think when we get married, we'll be happy. And actually, statistically speaking, it shows that happiness levels decrease. And then with kids, even more.

Yeah.

It's just to challenge the story we're telling ourselves why we can't be happy now.

I always, whenever I find myself comparing myself to others or I feel like myself pressuring myself, I'm like, why am I doing this? Like, it's not giving me anything. I'm not forward. I'm not evolving from this experience at all by comparing to other people who might have had like a head start in life or whatever. Yeah. Like I think I'm going to definitely take that on board anyway.

Yeah. And we have to have compassion. Like that's one of the key ingredients is because whatever your belief is, there's a reason why you have that. Yeah. It's like somewhere down the line in your life or maybe even very early on and it's been playing out. For however many years, you believe that this, this, and this equals happiness.

Yeah.

And so it's okay. It's just— and just questioning it with compassion, like, well, is that actually true? You know?

Yeah.

Just be the observer of it versus like, I know that I shouldn't be thinking like this, so why am I doing it? It's like, yeah, to beat ourselves up.

Yes. So you think people need to step out of their problem and look at it from kind of like the outside to make the problem less big.

Yeah, just kind of be the observer of it. Like, like if you're having a hard time, wow, I'm really having a hard time right now, and not making it bad or wrong, or it's just an emotion or circumstances that are happening. And can I have compassion for myself? What can I give myself in this moment that maybe would would soothe me? Or, you know, do I need to curl up in a ball and cry for a bit? Or do I need to call a friend? Or do I need a bubble bath? You know, what do I need?

Yes. Yeah, that's perfect. And so what is like your typical coaching process and what are your sessions like?

I do complimentary calls. So if anyone's listening and you're curious about this work, I do complimentary 30-minute discovery calls where we can uncover kind of what's going on in your life. And what you'd like to create and all of that. So we, I do that and it's a 12-week process and we do one session a week. And the reason why we do it in a package is because it takes a little while to do the rewiring of the brain. So to do one or two sessions, yes, you can have improvement, but it really takes a longer period of time. To kind of rewire and reprogram the thinking, the behaviors, the beliefs.

So then just to finish up then, what is like the most important advice you can give to people who are looking to better the relationships around them?

The most important thing you can do is look in the mirror at yourself and whatever challenge you're facing, what is it showing you about you? How do you want to show up? How— what do you want to create? And how can you become the most evolved, conscious, loving human being? Because the more we realize whatever's going on in other people's lives is not about us, even if it's our partner, they have their own past, their own childhood, their own experiences, their own filter. When we can see it like that versus taking something personally, we can just Explore it as like, interesting. And then that's what— that's their process. And what is it showing me about me? So it's always bringing it back to you, you, you, you, you. And we want— we will want to kind of point the finger and do this, and if they would only do that, then this would all be fine. And that's the natural human tendency. And the reframe is bringing it back to you always.

Yeah, that's like— it's always like, it's all about me.

Yeah, totally.

Yeah, that's crazy. And I really, I really I really love this and I love this, like our conversation and everything. Everything you say has made sense. Like the whole, all the childhood beliefs going into your adulthood and everything like that. Like that is crazy. And I'm going to have to do a lot of thinking tonight about my childhood and be like, why am I like this? But that is, that is crazy. So before you go, where can my listeners find you?

So you can find me on Instagram and my handle is @jesshendrick111. And you can also find me on my website, which is jesshendrick.com. You can book a free call from my Instagram. There's a link in the, in the bio, or you can book it from my website.

So thank you so much.