How you can handle relationships is how you handle life with coach Jess Hendrick

Going back to a past relationship too is super helpful because it's a trigger for some reason. So you're going back and clearing out any of that debris from the past experiences. So whether it's a past relationship or when you were 5 years old, it's still doing the work.

Welcome, girls, to the Get Up Girl Podcast, where we are making you live your fullest and fun life. My name is Joanna Vargas, and every week I will pour into you with my stories, tools, and fun radical candor. I believe that when you ask better questions, uplevel your habits, and get freakin' real, you will have a happier life. If you're looking for more fun, more magic, and more joy, you're my girl. This one's for you. Are you ready? Let's create your dream life. Welcome back live to the Get Up Girl podcast. I'm your host and your gal, Joanna Vargas, and I am excited because my guest that I have on today, we have not talked since the height of the pandemic, since the height of the, like, the lockdown. That's the last time I talked to you. So now I get to talk to you like almost 2 years later, and you look gorgeous. Welcome our coach, relationship expert Jess Hendrick. Welcome back to the show.

Thank you so much, Joanna. It's so good to see you.

It's good to see you too. And I think also I had you on my Instagram show.

Yeah, correct.

Yeah, we did that Instagram, and maybe once or twice, I don't know. But, and I remember we talked a lot about relationships, and I think that's when I was single and I was mingling and I was out there. So you really helped guide, you know, so many guides on my path to where I am today. Thank you for that.

I'm so happy for you and your, your cute man.

Oh yeah, my Instagram. Yeah, so thank you for being a part of that journey. And so I'm excited to talk to you on like part 2 today. And I went onto your Instagram and, you know, I always follow you anyway, but I was looking at your profile. So there's something that really stood out to me that I would like to talk about today, and your first tag was, "The way you handle relationships is the way you handle life." And I thought it was brilliant. I'm just— because I love the quote, you know, "The way you do anything is the way you do everything." That quote just always gets me. It's one of those like, oh, you hate to hear it, and you're like, damn, it's so true. So talk about that, Jess. Like, what does that mean to you? Because I know what it is for me, but so why did you put that first on your Instagram?

It's so funny because the quote that you just said was literally what I was gonna say, like, how you do one thing is how you do everything. Because just the way the, the filter through which we view and experience the world is the same, you know, whether we're relating to a person or money or our job. So it's, it's really how we do one thing is how we do everything. So we'll see a similar theme showing up in every area of our lives.

So when in your relationship, give us an example of what you would do in a relationship and then how you would do that same thing out in your everyday life.

Okay, so, so let's say you're, you're focused on, you know, wanting to bring in more money and feeling like there's never enough, there's never enough, enough, and you have a bit of a lack mentality. The same thing could show up in life if you're looking for a partner and you can't seem to find a partner. It's like there's a lack mentality there too.

Okay, so if I'm— let's just have— say I am that person and I'm having a lack mentality. What is one of the tools that I can do first thing in order to either switch the lack mentality or fill in the blank, whatever it is?

Yeah, good question. So I would say the first step is really just becoming aware. So becoming aware of any patterns and programs that are that are showing up over and over as themes. So that's the first step. And then you actually want to get into the subconscious mind, which is what I help my clients with, and really uncover those, those beliefs that are showing up as themes so that we can do some work around them, decrease the charge around them, and actually create a more supportive belief that will actually create what you desire versus go against what you desire.

So first step, become aware, know that it's happening, and just get curious, right? We don't want to judge it. Judge the heck out of it once we become aware. I'm the queen of that. I'm like, oh wait, Joanna, it's just interesting. It just is. And then the second thing is to recognize your— what the subconscious is, then, then has that belief. Did I say that correctly?

Yeah, yeah. So, so really getting kind of to the core of where, where this belief is coming from in the first place. So that's what I can help you do, is really be— identify the belief and the core of where it comes from, and then release any charge around it and release any past trauma if we need to, so that you can then step into creating something more supportive that actually will support you in what you want to create in your life and your relationships.

I love that you bring this up because I have had— and I don't know if we talked about this last time, but When I was in high school, my knee popped out, my kneecap, and whatever was happening at that time in my life, right? And then it happened again like 3 years later in college, but it hasn't happened since, Jess. However, ever since then, there's been trauma in my knee, and it'll come back every so often. Hypnot— no, um, what's the word? Like, it's pretending to be something else, so to speak.

So for example, I can be here Is it like pseudo, pseudo pain or pseudo something?

No, maybe it's like just masked as something else, I guess what you're saying. Yeah. And so something will happen in my life and then my knee will begin to hurt, right? So with that, the subconscious— is that what you're saying? That would be coming in as something that happened back in high school and then it is haunting me today?

Yeah, yeah. And it can be like a physical trauma, an emotional trauma, something that happened when we were really small, something that we may not even remember, but it, it's what creates the filter through which we experience the world. So when we change the filter, then we can change our outer experiences.

When you help your, your clients change their filter How does that begin to happen? Because many times we can't even see it.

Right, right.

I think that's the first step. Like, it's taken me how many years to even see it? But how would you start to change the filter?

So getting really clear and creating a vision that supports you and what you want to create. So for example, for the relationship, right, thinking of, thinking of all the qualities that you would desire in a partner and really holding that vision would be one of the steps. But then we have to realize that when we set an intention, anything that's in the way of that coming forward is going to have to come up and bubble up to the surface, right? So any beliefs and patterns that we have that don't support that vision will need to come up, and then I can help you kind of untangle and sort through and release them so that you can shift into really a new way of, of being. And then from there, you'll just pull in the energy that's aligned with what you desire to create. Does that make sense?

Yeah, it makes sense. And Jess, how do you tap— how do you help your clients tap into the subconscious? Do you do it through meditation or just talking? Because speaking for me, Jess, it has been years, and then every year or every day there's a new layer. Yeah, something new every single time.

Yeah.

How do you help them tap in?

Yeah, well, the first thing is that we never get it all done. So just like what you said, there will— there's gonna be a layer.

37 years old, what's new?

Yeah, it's, it's kind of the process of life from what I, what I understand. And in my own life, it's like layer after layer after layer. So we never get it all done.

And that's the fun part. Anyway, just want to throw it out there. That's the fun part.

Yeah. So go really easy on yourself if you're even willing to make changes and shifts, because a lot of people aren't. So it's amazing to even be willing to even look at this stuff. So if you're there, that's huge. And, um, yeah, so what we do, we do different things. Um, I, a lot of times I'll take people back through past memories. So they'll experience, they'll be experiencing something in the present day that really triggers them, and so we'll, we'll go into that memory and actually figure out the root and where the trigger began so that we can give you the opportunity to process and release and integrate that experience so that you don't have to keep experiencing it over and over again because it's getting triggered over and over again.

Jess, absolutely. Well, a couple things on that. The first thing is I wrote willing down. I love that word because at least in, in my perception, willing is like— doesn't mean that I want to do it, doesn't mean that I am going to do it, it just means I'm willing. I'm willing. I don't wanna, but I'm willing. So I love that word willing. And the second thing is about, um, being aware of when something comes up and getting really curious. Because I want to give an example. A couple weeks ago, something was just gnawing at me. You know when you have that gnaw and it just keeps spinning and you're like On paper, this is not a big deal. This is, you know, there's much bigger things in the world, but this just is bothering me. Why does this over here not bother me, but this little small thing freaking bothers the heck out of me? And I— it could make me cry, it could make me angry, and it's so tiny. And so I started to ask questions and get really curious, like, what is this? And, and how can I shift this? And if so, where does this shift come from? And what came to me, Jess, was that I don't like when people think that I am— I'm gonna use the word lazy, but that's not even— that's the energy of the word I'm trying to use, but that's not even the word. It's like lazy times a million. I don't like when people think that about me. And I'm like, okay, is it true that this person thinks that about me? No, then why does this trigger me? What is the trigger? And it just— I kept going deeper. And what is it? And what is it? I, I'm still not very clear, Jess, yet what it is. At least I'm aware. The first one, I'm aware. Oh, I don't like when people think I'm lazy. And here's the thing, Jess, I know I could choose lazy sometimes. I'm like, I am like the queen of lazy. I am the queen of like— so why, why does it trigger me? That if somebody thinks that, you know, even though if I am, I don't want them to see it. So that was a different thing. It wasn't that they believed it as if they saw it, because I had the ability to hide. So I just kept going deeper. Okay, it's the ability when I can't hide. Okay, what's deeper than that? So that was something that I discovered. Do you have any examples of people that you work with? I know you don't want to use names or anything like that, but that you can give us so that we can You know, we learn by listening to other people's stories.

Yeah, absolutely. And also just want to honor you for really doing that work within yourself because you're going to the, to the deeper layers and the deeper layers. That's amazing because that's where our freedom lies, like when we can actually get to the root of where is this even coming from. So I love so much that you're doing that work, and I'm not surprised that you're doing that work. Yeah. So I'll give you an example that'll be hopefully easy for people to, to understand what I'm saying here. So I have a client who really wants partnership. She really wants to find a partner and build a life with someone. And as we move through our sessions, we uncovered a core belief that she had that she has to do everything on her own. So that belief, I have to do everything on my own, is part of the filter through which she experiences the world. So even if there was a partner there that was like ready, she's not going to see that person. Right? So it's the work of becoming aware of the belief and then actually looking at, oh wow, this is just a thought that I keep thinking based on some experiences in the past. And her experience in the past was actually a little girl on the playground and being just completely left out. And so that was a little trauma that she had that impacted her, that she brought with her, that she didn't even realize how much it had impacted her. So, so then from there, we do the work of if she has any emotion around that memory, like giving her the space to cry and to feel and to process it, and then actually move into what do you desire to create? Like, how do you— what's the partnership look like? And, and then the key is embodying those qualities ourselves. So looking at what we want to create and call in and then actually showing up in that way. So for example, If you want someone who's a good listener, right, are you practicing showing up being a good listener with everyone and everything in your life?

Because the way you do anything—

yeah, the way you do everything—

if the way you listen here is the way you listen to your man or whoever, oh yeah, he's gonna listen to you. Oh Jess, that was so good. I could see her on the playground because what came up for me is I— and very similar, right, I just give it different words. I say, oh, this is not mine. It's not mine. I bought it. I— and I think of it like I bought it like a jacket. I bought it when I was 8 years old on the park, um, the playground, and I put on that jacket, and then I had that jacket on for so many years. It's time to take that jacket off. It's not mine. Without any judgment, because I wanted to judge the jacket for like forever and just judge it, and it's like, take it off. Joanna, you bought it when you were 8 years old. That's very interesting. Now it's time to return. Like on Amazon, return it. You could take it back, real easy to return, but you got to return it or you're going to be a hoarder and you're going to have a lot of stuff that you bought for years and years. And so the way you do anything is the way you do everything. So let's go back, because I have been decluttering my house. Look, girl, this has been the whole— since the pandemic. And my quarter 2 of this year is another one, like another declutter and getting rid of 50% of my stuff. I would like that. That's the energy I'm putting out there. And I see it similar, Jess, to also the things that I've bought throughout the year. Like, what is my true energetic being? She doesn't care if people think she's lazy. Like, she's not going to cry if somebody thinks that, and it's not even true. 'Who is that? Oh my gosh, that is not me. I bought that and I'm gonna return to sender.' So at least that's something I'm just putting words to it, and whoever's listening, whatever resonates with you. But I think that's really beautiful how you do that work with your, with your clients. Do you see, Jess, does it take a while to get there, or do you get there pretty quick? I'm just curious, you know, does something take a couple months, somebody's resisting Yeah, that's a good question.

So, so I can only take people as deeply as they're ready to go, um, but your, your subconscious will dictate that. So it'll, it'll allow you to go so deep, right? So it's kind of a process of feeling into the person and how far and how deep can we take it. And so that's one of my gifts, like intuitively, is I can just feel how far we can take it and when we need to kind of back off a little bit. But I would say, you know, it takes a minimum if you want to create some new wiring in the brain, a minimum of 90 days or 3 months to really let some of the old wiring die off and then create some new wiring to support the new way of being.

Oh, I am so nodding my head right now. If people are listening to the podcast, I'm like, yes. And you know, there's no rules, but at least that rings true for me. And I, I love a quarter. I think, you know, my life, I run it in quarters, so to speak. You know, right now we're at the end of quarter one, the end of March 2022. And I like to think of the year as like a football game. And I'm like, oh, this is quarter one. We're not even at halftime yet. Like, we're still— we still have timeouts. We're at— we're not even to the end of quarter one. And like you said, 90 days, and that's a quarter. Yeah, I'll focus on something that I would like to work on or, or shift, you know, make big shifts. I love that you say shifts in your Instagram as well. But like my quarter one of 2021 was to declutter my life in all aspects. Let's go back to what I talked about before. Like I'm decluttering my home, decluttering my mind, my computer, my Google Drive, my emails, like you name it, I'm just decluttering. How do we make it easier, easier, easier? How do I get to this destination quicker and simplest with ease? And so I love that you said 90 days and it did. It does. It takes me about 90 days to get that kind of like even just the soil. And then I take that 90 days, Jess, and I move it into quarter 2 and I go, okay, let's take what we did in quarter 1 and bring it into quarter 2. And then I take quarter 1 and 2 and bring it into quarter 3. Just like a football game, it builds on each other. You know what I mean? It builds until you're at the end and then you're like, who's going to make the touchdown? And then everybody's like, it's the end of the year. Like, come on. So thanks for bringing that up. That was fun.

I love that. No, and it's— and I always say to people, you know, however long you've been on the planet, however old you are, that's how long we've had these patterns. So it's going to take a minute.

Yeah.

So even little, little shifts every day add up to big shifts.

I love how you said that. I say that all the time. You and I are like kindred sisters, you know. Let's just say I have a client that comes in, I want to lose 20 pounds, and I'm like, well, how long did it take you to put that on? Or, you know, we've been here for a long time, give yourself a minute, girl. No, I want to lose it in one week, you know, like, whoa, okay. And it's just so cute, like, without the judgment. And I'm, and I'm laughing with us, like, it's like Come on, you're so cute. We're so cute. Like, and the best part, Jess, is the journey. I was just talking to my doctor, my holistic— I call her my wizard. Just saw her 1 hour before we're talking, and we had— we're having like the same conversation you and I are having, and we're laughing because I'm like, this is the fun part. The fun is figuring out— every time I see her is a new thing.

Oh, that's interesting.

Oh, that's interesting. But if I went to her you know, 10 years ago and I had all the answers, I'd be bored to death, you know?

Yeah, yeah. It's, it's like this, the process of life, and, and you never get it all done. And I like to say to my clients too, like, we're not fixing anything because nothing is broken. We're really just releasing patterns and beliefs and programs that don't serve us anymore, and that's it.

I love that you said that.

Yeah.

Broken. There's nothing wrong with you. No, you have no problems. There's nothing wrong with you. Yeah, but I have this problem.

It's Anna.

There's nothing wrong. You're good. You know, it's just— I like to think it's just something. It's just something interesting. And what would you like to do with it? Rather than, I have this problem.

Yeah, yeah. Because I, I don't know if anyone relates to this, but like the perfectionist thing has been one of the things that I've worked with, worked through, still working through. And it can be so easy when you're doing work on yourself to then look at some of the things that maybe you want to shift and you haven't shifted yet and use that as another way to kind of beat up on yourself. So I love that you just say, let's just be curious and it's information. And because that's really true. And also any of these patterns, they're here for a reason and they served a purpose for probably many, many years. So they're not bad, they're not wrong. It's just, are they still working for you or not? And if not, then let's, let's shift them.

I love to use this because— and if anybody listening out there, if it works, do take this, put this in your arsenal and please remember it. Write it down, put it in your phone to remind you. I don't know anybody, Jess, and correct me if I'm wrong, who would like the first generation iPhone? Like, that one was over 10 years ago. Like, sign me up, I want that one. Heck no, I want the new version. I want the iPhone 25, you know, even when we're at the 12. Like, I want the next version. I want to upgrade the software. Yeah. And so that's what we keep upgrading, upgrading, changing every time, upgrading every 90 days. Yeah. So what worked, version 1, just doesn't work anymore. It doesn't support it anymore. Like, I had an older iPhone for a while and I couldn't update my apps. It was like, well, all right, I'll just get a new iPhone. I was just being lazy. I didn't want to go get a new one. All right, I'll go get a new one. But like, it couldn't support it anymore. So I love how you said that what you had before just doesn't support your life anymore. Yeah, you were using in order to survive.

Yeah, and that's exactly it. It's, it's an upgrade. We're just upgrading. We're upgrading our way of thinking and our beliefs, and then we're shifting our filter or changing our filter mirror through which we experience the world. So we work here, we do the work here within our minds, and then it shifts our outer experience in the world.

Yes. Oh, so good. Like, I want to tap on this about, you know, when you have a breakdown in your relationship, you know, how can you use that as a tool, and especially as a tool for everything else in your life, the way you do anything? The way to do everything?

Yeah, that's such a good question. So a lot of people— so I work with individuals and couples, and a lot of people come to me and they're just in this looping cycle having this like toxic fight or this same argument over and over again and not able to make any, any ground or get on the same page. And that's what— that's probably the number one thing that people come to me for help with. And I just want to let everybody know that when these breakdowns are showing up, it's actually a window into, you know, past, past triggers and maybe some past trauma that we can actually heal. So your partnership is going to mirror anything within you that has yet to be healed and worked through. So it can feel like a big disaster when it's happening because it's like, oh my gosh, we have this breakdown. We don't know how to resolve it. What do we do? But if you can just take a step back and really realize that you're having your own experience, your partner is having their own experience, and you're each viewing it through your individual filter. So just having that reverence for, for their experience and your experience and not having a side. No one's right, no one's wrong. It's just each is having their own experience. You can, you can really develop more connection, more intimacy, more love. And I have this tool that my mentors taught me It's, it's called the 5-Step Process by Rudy and Kelly Castro. Those are my mentors. And there's 5 questions that you can ask when you have a breakdown to really get to the root of where it's even coming from in the first place.

And then ask yourself these questions or your partner the questions.

So you ask yourself, so you ask yourself first when you're able to. So if you're in a heated argument, you're not going to be able to sit down and write down all the questions, right? But when you're calm, regulated, you can go through and you can ask yourself these questions. So if you want, I can share it.

Yeah, please. Okay, with my pen. Perfect.

Okay, so the first question is, what happened? Just the facts, only the facts. Okay, so if there was a fly on the wall watching, what would that fly have seen and heard? Okay, the next question is, what was my interpretation of what happened? So what's the story that I told myself about what happened? Okay, and then number 3 is, what was my reaction? So this is where we tend to go into a survival pattern, so fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Fawn is like a newer one, but that's where you you kind of bend and people-please and try to make everything okay. Um, so what reaction did you have? And then number 4 is, what were my feelings underneath the reaction? So did I feel hurt, angry, sad, misunderstood, confused? All of those things. What were the feelings? Okay. And then the number 5 is actually where you get to the root of where's coming from, because whenever there's a breakdown, there's usually a trigger that's linked back to a past experience, right? So number 5 is, where have I felt this before? So taking out the details of the current situation, where have I experienced something similar? And try to go back as far as you can in your life and really see where, where have I felt this before? So like I was mentioning with my client, right, where did she feel like she had to do everything alone? And she got back to the time when she was on the playground where all the kids were running away and bullying her. So she decided in that moment, I have to do everything on my own. So that's a really helpful tool. So if you can fill that out, and then if your partner's open, they can fill out the questions as well. You can come back together and share with each other. The key is one person needs to share while the other one is just completely listening. Don't interject. Don't like try to put your little, oh no, this isn't how it happened. Oh, try really hard until you're, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And then you switch. So each person gets a chance to really be seen and heard. And then from there you can look at what you're even working with, right? Because the surface level of the problem is never the problem. It never is. So it's like, what are we working with here? Like what's that? Because that's where you can actually, you can actually have some healing and actually create some, some movement with that belief and that filter. If you have a supportive partner, you can have a corrective experience. So, so if you were my client, right, and you were explaining to your partner, I feel like I have to do everything on my own, now they know you have that trigger, so they can be more compassionate when it comes up. And you can be compassionate with yourself when it comes up too.

Mm-hmm. Mm. This has changed my relationship with my partner.

Yeah.

From day one, he was like surprised that I would— let's just say I would cry or something would trigger me. I would take a little moment and then I'd come back and I would say, you know what? This is not about you. I apologize because it triggered me because of XYZ. And his face was like he had never heard that before for somebody just to like say, you know what? When this happens, it triggered me. I'm working on it, but for now, can you just be aware of that? You know? And he was like, oh yeah. So now he and I have these conversations, you know, that have developed over the year. But wow, like you said, every single time it— okay, I'm gonna say something like kind of side, but every time we fight, and I don't— it's not even fight, it's more like a trigger of an argument or some kind of like tiff. Something is created from that every single time. We get stronger and stronger for it. And it's like, then I also don't want to be addicted to the fights too. It's almost like makeup sex. It's not makeup sex, but it's like makeup energetically that I'm like almost addicted to that because I'm like, every time we fight we get better. I'm like, whoa, Joanna, don't make that a pattern. That's interesting. Just fun, you know, laughing about it. But I could be aware about it, but that's how much we actually grow because we go through things of this nature. But I really like the breakdown of the questions, Jess. This was like really, really great. For number 5, I just want to be really clear when it says like, where have I felt this before? Let's just say, for example, when I told my partner, you know, this happened, that's why I'm triggered. But actually, Jess, That was not the buying of it. It was bought much, much earlier.

Yes, yes, yeah.

So I wouldn't have said my last partner did this to me. No, I'm— I've got to look way, way where it was birthed, like where I bought it. Is that what you're saying?

Yeah. And, and you may not— and here's the thing, you, you may or may not be aware or be able to name it right away. So a lot of times when I, when I walk people through this process, that's why it's helpful to have like coach to support you in it. Because sometimes it'll be when you were so little that you don't even remember, but it'll just be like this energy, something's triggering about it, and I don't— I can't even name it, right? So going back to a past relationship too is super helpful because it's a trigger for some reason. So you're going back and clearing out any of that debris from the past experiences. So whether it's a past relationship or when you were 5 years old It's still doing the work. You're still— yeah.

Yes, you may not have the words, but energetically you know where it was birthed, like, you know where it came from. Is that what you're saying?

Like, if something's triggering you, there's a reason. And sometimes we can tie it to a past memory, sometimes we may not be able to. Sometimes in that specific session it won't come through, but a lot of times people will then go through their week and then they'll come back to the next session and say I know where it came from. Oh my gosh, it was when I was this age with my brother and da da da da da. So just trusting the process of all of it, because it may be time for you to uncover that and it may not yet. So, but if there anything is activating, right, like if you're having a physical response in your body, you're going into fight or flight or freeze, then there's something triggering something. So there's something to be investigated there. And I love that you said you get closer after because My mentors also say triggers are treasures, which sounds like, oh no, they're not. But, but it really does shine a light on things that can, can lead to more connection and more intimacy and more closeness, which is what you're experiencing. So that's really, really beautiful.

Oh, Jess Conscious Relationship And Dating Coach. And finding those people on the planet that will move with you and shift with you with the triggers. Because, I mean, as we all— but I could speak from my experiences, people that when I want to explain my triggers or I'm crying or I'm, you know, that energy, and they run, you know, like, I can't handle it. Everything has to be pretty all the time.

Yeah.

But the people that do stay through the triggers, man, those relationships are so beautiful. Like, they just keep getting better. They're treasures.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah. And I know, like, for people, like, like you and me who are really into working on ourselves and, and self-aware and like we're gonna know where things are. And so we're just gonna need a partner who's gonna meet us there, like you said. And some people don't, and it's not personal, it's just kind of where they're at on their journey.

Yeah.

And it can feel personal, but don't feel fun at the moment. Yeah.

Oh, what would it take for me to be there where it doesn't feel personal? Yeah, that would be fun.

That'd be nice. I don't know that yet because I don't know that one.

Yeah, working on that one. Oh my God, I love it. Uh, well, Jess, you have a— is it a 12 Weeks to Shifting? I mean, tell us about your program.

Yeah, so I, I work with individuals and couples, like I mentioned before, and for a minimum of 3 months. And I actually recommend 6 because 3 months is really kind scratching the surface. But you can, you can get a significant amount done. But if you really want to commit to 6 months, that's where you'll create— lay down some new wiring in the brain, and it'll be easier for you to, to experience the world through the new lens and the new filter. So yeah.

And is this with you or in a group?

This is just with me. So either individual one-on-one or with couples. And when I work with couples, we do sessions together, all, all 3 of us, and then we do individual sessions with each person as well. Yeah, because— really cool. Yeah, because, you know, you know that our relationship with ourselves is what sets the tone for every relationship. So even if we're in partnership, the work is going to be with ourselves first. So I, I really like that way of working with people because then you can have that individual approach and then also the support in your partnership too.

Such a contribution. Yes, I, I think that's beautiful to have that, that third eye, because I have been in couples counseling in the past, many, many years ago, and it was just a, a bitch session. It was, at least in my experience, it was just a two-on-one, and then the two-on-one would change, and it was like, this is not contributing. This is— and you know, everybody's different, but that's what my experience was. But I think if if it would have been the one separate like that, wow, what a contribution.

Yeah, yeah, I, I love that approach. I really love it. It's very supportive for people. And also then if there's something that is coming up for you that you're not sure how to share with your partner in the session, then you have that support just one-on-one where we can work through it first. And then if you want to bring it to the couple session, then we can. Yeah, so yeah.

And then the whoever's in the party, in the couple, can feel maybe a little more comfortable opening up when the other partner is not there.

Yeah, and you don't have to worry about how you're wording something. You can just say your experience, and then we can work it through. And then if we need to, we can bring it into a couple session. You can be there.

Yeah, I wonder, have you ever helped people that work together or different partnership situations?

Yeah. So this work works with every relationship. So it doesn't have to be romantic.

No, you have to be having sex. Okay. Noted.

Yeah. So, you know, when I work with, cause I also work with individuals who are, who are just experiencing challenges in their relationships. So it could be like someone having a challenge with a parent or a sibling or a friend. And this going back to the, how you do one thing is how you do everything. You know, whatever the theme is in your life, it's going to show up in every relationship. So again, it's like a mirror for us to, to shine a light on what needs some healing within us so that we can create a new dynamic. And a lot of people will come to me and maybe they'll want to do the work and their partner isn't quite ready, so they'll sign up to work with me individually and it'll actually shift the dynamic in the partnership. Anyway, because it's a dynamic. So don't be discouraged, you know, if you're, if you're wanting to do the work and your partner's not quite there yet. I would just do it on your own because it can create a lot of changes.

Oh, Jess, I mean, I have had a big shift, but you know, let's say in my 20s, I wanted everybody else to change. You know, you need to change to make our relationship better. And then Okay, let that go. And as I'm working and developing myself, my relationships are getting stronger with people. And everybody's like, oh, I think in my head they have changed. No, but I have changed. So it changed us. I was just pushing them away. I was energetically creating space and doing this, wanting them to hug me, wanting them to bring me in when I was pushing them away. And I'm like, as soon as I let that go, our relationship got better.

Oh my gosh, I love that you said that, Joanna, because that's what— that's how the subconscious works, right? So we have a belief like, like no one's ever there for me, or I'm alone, or whatever. We'll do things like that and we won't even realize that we're unconsciously creating the very thing that we, that we don't want. Like we're creating the very thing that we fear the most. So I love that you said that because that's another piece of this. Creating freedom for ourselves is freeing ourselves from those patterns, creating the very thing—

say that again—

that, that we fear the most.

That we fear the most. Yeah.

Hallelujah!

I was the queen of that. I should have had the Oscar for that one.

I was Meryl Streep. Yeah.

Creating the very thing that we fear the most.

Yeah, that's what we do. That's what we do because, because we have a belief, and so it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Um, I'm alone, or, you know, no one cares, or whatever. And so we just, we create it to prove ourselves right.

Yeah, this whole quarter one for me has been a big awareness of where I'm separating. So where I separate, where I separate energetically, separate from people. And here's the other one, Jess, I separate from myself. Yeah, I always thought that they separated from me That person did that. And then, then I kind of had the new awareness that I was separating from them. And now the next awareness is, wait, I'm separating from me. I, I like lose me. So I'm like, okay, it was like the third little layer. I wonder what's next. So that has been a huge aha, goosebumps, you know, in this quarter one was like, whoa, I never saw that. As soon as something would trigger, I like separated from me, and I didn't— I wasn't acting as Joanna. I was doing goofy things because I was so far distant from me and making really interesting choices that, that were not creating more.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's such good awareness. Like honoring you because you are going deep. Like that you got to that place of like, wow, I'm actually separating from myself, because that's the root, you know, like when you said, I don't know how much deeper, I don't actually know how much deeper either, because I think that might be the deepest with that one. Yeah. And it's like the same thing where like, I struggled with this for so many years, like calling in or attracting people that were unavailable. And I finally realized like, oh my gosh, I am unavailable to myself.

Ooh, dang, that's good.

Yeah, so similar to what you're saying. So once I became more available to myself, then I called in a different energy and a different dynamic, like with my friend circle and romantic partners and everyone. And even in my family dynamic where people aren't doing, you know, really much inner work, but it still shifted the dynamic, me doing the work within me.

Jess, beautiful. Because as you were speaking, I was thinking about judgment. And again, let's go back, you know, the past when I was doing my work. But I— it was always judgment was outside, uh, you know, when other people judge you, don't take it personally, blah blah blah. You know, we've heard all those quote tiles on Instagram, totally get it. But let's go to you, to me, is I judge me first.

Yeah.

Or anybody else. And I'm like, let's work on judging me, Joanna. Before we start pointing the finger of— let's— again, it was first I was pointing the finger of you're judging me, then the next layer was, oh, I'm judging them, and then the next layer was, wait, wait, I'm judging me, and I create the thing I fear the most. So I was— so I was creating judgment to myself.

Yeah.

Okay, let's start over. 2021 was like, Joanna, what if you were your own best friend? Would you judge yourself every time you looked in the mirror? Would you do this every time? And overall, you know, I'm pretty confident, I'm pretty good, but there were little— like, let's get real, you're judging. Because there is no possible way that I could judge something if I didn't judge myself first.

Yeah.

So if you're going— I, for example, like, oh, I don't judge myself. I'm— and I'm like, wait, I wonder, because it cannot live in you if you didn't do it to yourself first. It doesn't live there.

Yeah, yeah. It's funny, it's so funny you're saying that because I was talking with a friend of mine and I was telling him, I was like, you know, I just, I really don't like when I feel like someone tells me what to do. And he said, he said, and do you do that in your life? And I was like, well, I'm a coach, so Yeah, but it's so true. And, and the judgment thing too, like once you understand, you know, triggers and reactions and where they come from, you really can't judge anyone anymore because it makes so much sense. Like, so in the moment with the surface level of the problem, right? Like let's say, let's say you spilled your coffee and you, and you have like a really big reaction. Do it. And people are like, what's wrong with her? She just spilled her coffee. Like, it's not that big of a deal. But maybe when you were little and you spilled something, you got in so much trouble as a kid, right? So like, it always links back to something that ends up making sense. So now when I see someone that's being completely irrational, I'm just like, they're triggered. They're totally triggered. Like, it's not going to be rational. Yeah, yeah. And it helps you to have compassion for other people versus judging. Yes. Yeah.

When I see something of that nature, I go, oh, that's not mine. Meaning also, it's not mine. Because the moment I want to jump in and judge it or say, gosh, it's just coffee, what's the big deal? Then I make it mine. I'm like, I start judging it. Now I'm taking it on like a little jacket and going— because I have to talk about it and I have to be in it. It's like, wait, that's them. It's not mine. They just— the first question is, what happened? What happened is coffee fell and they were not happy. That's it. Like, that's it.

Totally. That's it. What happened? Very short one.

Yeah, it's real simple. No, but all this happened, girl. If they just dropped coffee, what do you care what they chose what to do?

Yeah.

And it's like, oh, Joanna, you're so cute. Okay, you got it. But don't buy it. I go in there and I buy it and I want to make that situation mine.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I love that. And I love the jacket analogy. I'm actually going to steal that because that's so good.

Jess, it works. Like, I would talk to people and finally when I would say, like, just take it off, it's real simple. And then, oh yeah, everybody goes, oh, I could get that. Yeah. And the Amazon, like, would you return it or you're going to be a hoarder, girl? You can have a lot of Amazon boxes.

Return it. Yes, yes, absolutely. Love it.

Oh, such a fun conversation. I feel so light. I feel so free.

Great.

I hope everybody listening, you know, what a contribution you were, that I hope they received something, especially those 5 questions. We'll put those 5 questions in the show notes. I think very important so people can, you know, the visual learners, and they want to print it out and have it. I think that's phenomenal. And if they want to follow you on Instagram, go to Instagram, and then you're going to follow Coach Jess Hendrick, and that's Hendrick with no S. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Coach Jess Hendrick, and she puts out great, uh, information here on Instagram. I'm gonna show— following you right there. Okay, anything else, Jess, that you would like to add before we put a little bow on this?

Uh, no, I think that was a really beautiful conversation that we had. I would just add that if anyone was listening and has any questions, I I'd love to connect with you. Or if you're having challenges in your relationships or your partnership, dating, breakups, all the things, I would love to connect with you. So you can, if you want to go and book a free consult call, you can do that through my Instagram. And I also do a free call every Friday at noon Pacific time. It's a group coaching call for people who, who need some support in their relationships. So you can come and listen, you can come and bring questions. So that's available to everybody.

Okay, let's add that link in as well, or if not, they could find it on your Instagram. That's wonderful. I think that's great that everybody can join that. And everybody listening or watching, you can so witness Jess's, um, ability to receive all of you. Like, you have such that ability to just not judge and just be so open. So thank you for that. You know, I think you're such a light, and congratulations on everything since the last time I spoke to you.

Thank you so much, and you too. I'm watching you just fly, and it's so beautiful and amazing, and I'm so happy for you.

Thank you, and for you too. And thank you everybody for listening, and remember to get back up if you want something different in your life. Choose different, and the way you handle relationships This is The Way You Handle Life, and we'll see you next time. Bye, y'all. Thank you so much for listening. If you loved this episode and know of another girl who can benefit from this message, please share it with your girlfriends and tag me on Instagram @JoannaVargasOfficial. I love your DMs. Also, I would be honored if if you'd take 30 seconds and give The Get Up Girl a 5-star review. I appreciate and love you all. And remember, girl, to get up and live fully.