Why Your Nervous System Won't Let You Be Seen (And How To Change That)

Hello, my love, and welcome to Seen, the podcast that helps you to stop hiding, claim your worth, and build the most vibrant version of your life possible. Thank you so much for being here. Hello, my love, and welcome to Seen. And this week I wanted to talk to you a little bit about letting go of the fear of being seen. And there is a lot of talk about this new Year of the Horse and how we can really step into that energy. But There's no way to step into any sort of momentum if we're still holding on to baggage. And the thing that I really see a lot with women is when they're trying to scale their business, when they're trying to grow their visibility, it's not just about the tactics and not, it's not just about trying to hit post, it's actually about the worthiness and the fear of actually being seen. Because if you think about it, being seen is dangerous to our nervous system. We are wired to be social beings that are in community, and we don't wanna be exiled because that would be, back in the olden days, that would've been like death for us. And so our nervous system still associates great danger with us being potentially ostracized, criticized, judged. And anytime we go to put ourselves out there on social media, we can get that fear response where to your nervous system, it does feel that big and it does feel that dangerous. And so you can watch all the YouTube videos and do all the hacks, the tactics that you want, but if you're holding onto this nervous system response that you are actually going to be in danger by posting, then there's absolutely no way that you're going to be able to grow your brand or to grow your visibility. So these are the exact steps that I would personally take if I was in this position and wanting to shift through to being comfortable being seen. And this is all stuff I have had to do. So the first thing that I would do is stop censoring myself. The biggest thing I see with women is they know that they want to post, but they're censoring themselves because they don't feel safe. They hide behind, oh, I just don't have clarity on my offer, or, oh, I'm just not 100% sure, you know, what my exact message is yet, or my website's not ready, or I don't have the right brand style guidelines and colors to actually create posts. All of this can be slightly true, but often it's just really hiding. And it's really just looking for excuses and reasons and trying to rationalize that you just don't want to be seen. And the root of that is just censoring yourself. Because if you don't trust yourself, if you don't trust your expression, if you don't trust what you have to say, you're going to try and censor yourself so that it's safer, so that whatever you're saying is more scripted, it's more prepared, it's more polished, it's more easy on the eye, it's more palatable. But is that even you? and as we know, our feeds are full of ChatGPT garbage at the moment that no one resonates with. So if you are censoring yourself and actually ex, ex extracting your personality, it's just not gonna work. So I would urge you, if this is you, if you are just actually like worried and you're not actually posting, you know you wanna post, but you're actually holding yourself back, censoring yourself and restricting yourself, the first challenge for you, my friend, is not about getting the perfect hook. It is not about having the greatest strategy. It is simply about expressing yourself. I don't care what you post. I don't care when you post. I don't care if it's not perfect and not polished. This is actually a personal development growth challenge for you that you need to overcome, and then you can make the post better. But first, you need to look at this as an actual challenge for yourself to get out of your comfort zone and to prove to yourself that, You posted and you're not gonna die. Maybe you posted and it bombed and you got 2 likes and you got no one engage and you feel so cringe, but you still did it and you didn't die. And every time you do that, it goes less and less and less where, you know, your nervous system starts seeing, okay, I'm still safe, I'm still okay. I didn't get engagement and I'm still okay. Like post and then go, Give your loved ones a cuddle. Like cuddle your kids, cuddle your husband, like find a friend and give them a good hug. Like no, train your nervous system that you are safe, you are fine. You posted, you didn't get a good reaction, and you're still safe and loved. Journal if you have to, you know, start to reinforce that this is good and it's for your growth and start to train your nervous system to actually feel safe and okay with being in this situation. That is step one. Now step 2 is actually move towards your biggest fear. So this is going to sound a little bit crazy and a little bit counterintuitive, but this is something that has been a game changer for me, which is looking at like, what is your biggest fear? Like when you go to post, what is it that you worry about the most? And I'm not talking about low engagement or, you know, the branding isn't right. What is the fear underneath that? Like what is the worst case scenario and the fear underneath that? Is it that a fear of being judged, a fear of judgment? Is it a fear of not being loved? Is it unworthiness? Is it a fear of, you know, I don't know, there's all kinds of different fears. Like I've heard absolutely everything and you really need to clear, get clear on what it is for you. Like really dig down, dig, dig, dig and ask like, why would that matter to me? So it's like, okay, I'm, Scared of being judged. Why does that matter? And it might come down to, you know, the feeling of not being good enough. It could come down to all sorts of different feelings, but you need to get clear on what that feeling is for you. And one of the biggest fears that I had was the fear of rejection. And it felt visceral and it still does a lot of the time. But when I would post, I would actually anticipate rejection. Or when I would go on stage or when I would do a webinar, when I would host a masterclass, like whatever it was that I I was doing in front of people, I would anticipate rejection. So I would be waiting for the rejection to happen. And what I realized was that the more that you are scared and are fearful of this fear, in my case it was rejection, the more power that you're actually giving that fear. And so to turn it on its head, what I had to do is start to train myself to want rejection. And I know that sounds absolutely crazy, but if you think about it, at it, if you start to train yourself to actually not just not fear something, but to want it, to actually be like, I want rejection, like, come on, reject me. What actually starts to happen is it loses its power. It loses its power because you no longer have so much caught up in this idea of you potentially being rejected. And so I had to put myself in situations, I kid you not, where I would get rejected again and again and again. And I mean, it was brutal, like absolutely brutal at the time, but I am so glad that I did it because if you think about it, if you want to be a leader within, you know, your business and within the work that you do, how can you be an embodied leader that is really taking up space and really making a name for themselves in this world if you are just running away from this big fear that you have? Do you think leaders care about getting rejected? Founders of companies get rejected left, right, and center multiple times a day. It does not faze them. Like, think about it, all the biggest people that you admire, they have such innate self-confidence and worthiness. They, they don't care if they get rejected cuz they know who they are. They know who they are, they know their worth, they know their value. And so they're not afraid to ask for what they want. And if they get rejected, it's like, okay, who do I need to ask next? That is the level of self-trust and you know, self-confidence that they have. And so the more that I put myself in this position of actually wanting rejection, it took the power away and it made me realize that I am still okay. Like I can get rejected and I don't die. I can get rejected and it doesn't have to mean anything. I can get rejected and it's onto the next thing. It really doesn't matter. It's just a little blip. And what that has unlocked for me is that I can now post whatever I want on social media. I can, if I've got a new offer, I can invite people in, Even if they say no, even if I get rejected, because I know that there's a deeper reason that I'm posting on social media. I've got something to say, I wanna express myself. And so, okay, if I get rejected, so be it. I know that I've got a purpose in this world. I know that I want to create these incredible offers and help these people. And if they say no and I get a rejection, okay, no worries. I don't, by the way, reject— being rejected and like begging for something is very different. It's not like I'm, you know, looking for rejection where I'm like groveling to get something. Not at all. It's about actually putting myself out there and asking for what I want and absolutely accepting the answer that I get back. And that might mean that I accept the answer and I look for the solution elsewhere, but I don't go begging and groveling or anything like that. So in case that's what you're thinking, like you don't have to do that, but it's just about getting comfortable with getting a no and getting, you know, not everything going your way. And that's okay 'cause you're never gonna move to the next level. You're never gonna get more views. Visible if you're walking around being so scared of rejection all the time. Now, the next thing that I would do is be seen in multiple contexts. And so what I mean by that is that, you know, for a while I had this presence on social media. I had like my business presence, I had a personal presence, which was like under the radar when I had my agency. And then I was myself in person and all three were very different. Like there was the business professional Kady on LinkedIn and I had my agency and everything like that. I had like a personal, social media account that was like all my friends and very personal. It was completely different persona. And then when I was in person with people, sometimes I'm a little bit more shy and reserved when I first meet someone. And so there was actually quite a disconnect between these different profiles and these different personas that I had. And so if you want to get more visible, you need to start bringing these aspects of yourself together. And I don't mean that you can't compartmentalize your life and, you know, you're a mom, you're, um, a founder, you're this and that, and you wear different hats. That's absolutely fine to wear different hats and have different contexts. However, you should still be a whole being and there should be no shame of, you know, oh, I can only be that person in that situation. I have a client that had this kind of disconnect because, you know, she was like, I just don't know, I haven't posted in ages because, you know, my kid's been home sick for the last couple of days. And so, you know, I've just been home with her and I've just been like, you know, in my messy mom bun and like gym gear and I've just been home with the kids. And then like, you know, going back to work. So there's just been this big disconnect. And so I asked her like, well, what is the belief that you have where you believe that you have to be polished and put together to still be a leader, or you have to be in the office or in a space to still be a leader? And I went through a very similar thing myself. And it's about being able to step into, no, I'm a leader wherever I am. I can be a leader and I can be at home with the kids, the messy mom bun. I can be wherever I am and I'm still that person. And so if you wanna be, get more visibility for your brand and online, you need to be able to step into that everywhere and have that embodied authenticity no matter where you are. You should be able to just speak to strangers or people that you, you know, meet in a coffee shop and tell them all about what you do. There should not be a major disconnect between the different areas in your life. Now, the next thing that I would do is let people see more of me because often people think, oh, I want more visibility. So they think, okay, I just need more eyeballs and I need more people to see my stuff. but actually we need to look at the depth. How are people seeing you? And is there a depth to what they see? Because the more that you can let people get to know you, the more that they can actually build a deeper relationship with you. And as you know, sales and growing your business and all these things that you wanna do, it all comes back to relationships. The more people can feel like they really know and understand you, the deeper that relationship will be, the more they will fully see you, and the easier it's going to be to take that next step with you. So what I would encourage you to think about is not always about having more quantity of numbers, but can we actually look at the quality? Can we look at the quality of our relationships? Can we look at the quality of the content that we're putting out? Can we look at the quality of the way that we're expressing ourselves and how much we're showing of ourselves to really foster much more beautiful relationships and really share in a way that's just a lot more meaningful. I mean, if you're just sharing surface level, like, here's 3 tips to X, first of all, it's not really going to land very well. But second of all, it's just kind of contributing to the noise. Like, how is that impacting anyone's life? Like, letting them see more of you and then being able to relate to that and then being able to learn from that and be inspired from that. That is where the magic happens. Now, the next thing I would do is to keep a list of evidence. And this is so important because I had a beautiful conversation with Jessica Williamson a couple of weeks ago. And, you know, she said that where you are today and the results that you have today are a reflection of what you were doing 3 months ago. And I couldn't agree more. And so if you are in this, messy middle of really trying to make a change in your life and really step into this bigger vision, bigger, you know, more fuller expression and more visibility, you are not going to see the outputs of that for weeks, if not months. Like it can take time to really compound. So how can you make sure that you're training your nervous system and training your self-image that what you're doing is actually getting results. It's actually moving the needle. And that is what you need to do to build the evidence. So what I recommend is like keeping a journal, or what I actually like to do is have a big poster on the wall and just start writing down each week, just adding to the wall reminders like of the things that you did, the moves that you made to actually step into that future you. Like what are the things that you're doing that she would be proud of? Like if you think about your most visible version, like they're probably posting 5 to 7 times a week. They're probably going to events, they're speaking at a conference, they're doing this and that. And maybe not, maybe your vision is a little bit different, but what are those things? And then start making evidence, like start tracking that. Even if you're not getting the dream outcome right now of like loads of followers and speaking gigs and this and that, can you still keep evidence that I posted 5 times this week when I said I was going to? I shared more depth of myself when I recorded a podcast and made that go live. I was featured in, you know, a guest blog with a friend. Like whatever it is, just start keeping that evidence so that you can start to shift how you see yourself and actually shift how you see yourself into being someone that is more visible and start stepping into that identity. James Clear talks about this a lot with his 1% Better. It's this idea of, improving 1% every single day, but also the identity. You don't just say, I'm gonna run every day this week. You start to tell yourself, I'm a runner. And what do runners do? They run. So you need to look at yourself like that. Like, what is that identity? And this evidence list is gonna help you adapt your self-image to become that. And finally, finally, last thing, I would prioritize my nervous system regulation. Because if your nervous system, as we spoke about at the start of this podcast, links visibility with danger, then it's gonna be very hard to get more visible. So another strategy that I always love to use is prioritizing my nervous system regulation. And what that means for me, 'cause this can be different for everyone, but it's doing more things that make my nervous system feel calm and feel safe. Because if you are stressed out and you're chaotic and you're trying to do all this work and your nervous system is on high alert, it's not gonna feel safe to expand and to grow. Whereas if you can do more to help your nervous system adapt and to feel safe and feel regulated even as you do a lot. So it's not about doing less, it's about continuing to do a lot, continuing to have a big capacity, but also holding that capacity within your nervous system to be able to hold that. That is where the magic is. And what happens for me and what I love to do is anytime I notice my nervous system start to be activated, maybe I'm about to post a reel, maybe I'm about to write an EDM, whatever it might be, and I start, you know, feeling a little bit activated and getting into some of these triggers and looping of like, oh my God, what's this person gonna say? What's that person gonna think? Is everyone gonna hate it? Da da da da da. What I love to do is what's called EFT tapping, and it takes a couple of seconds. Like, I don't even know if I'm doing it 100% right. I watched a couple of YouTube videos a while ago, but essentially I just literally tap myself like this. And what it does is it actually connects to the nervous system and you can actually start to calm down your nervous system. And there's mantras that go with it. So you just say, you actually, what I love about it is that you actually just like admit what's happening. It's not about like just trying to like tell yourself everything's amazing. So what I actually do, well, I'll tap and I'll say, Even though I feel really scared and even though I just, you know, got a no from someone and even though, you know, I might get rejected when I put out this post, I know that I'm still safe. I know that I'm gonna be okay. I know that this is all part of the process. I know that I can trust myself. And you can watch more videos on YouTube to like get a technique that you enjoy. But what I love about this is that you're actually naming what's coming up. Like it's not about pretending it's not there and going on your merry way. You're naming the emotions that are coming up for you, the triggers that are coming up for you, and then you're telling your nervous system, I'm aware, like, you don't need to remind me. I know that, that this is dangerous. I know that this is risky. I know that I'm putting myself out there. I got it. And you're saying, yeah, got it. I know that's happening and we're gonna be okay. And I absolutely love this technique. And, um, at the moment I'm actually reading a book by Tasha Oakley. It's called Excessively Obsessed, and it's a autobiography about like her life and building Monday Swimmer amongst her other ventures. And something that she says is that risk, you need to change the word risk in your mind because a lot of people think approaching someone is risky, asking for something is risky. They think all these things are like very audacious and ballsy and oh my God, I could never do that. She said you need to change the word risk to responsibility. Reaching out to that person is my responsibility. Posting on social media is my responsibility. Asking for what I need is my responsibility. Because as a business owner, it is your responsibility to actually get what you need and do what you need for you. And there is absolutely no way to grow your business without being able to actually ask for it. Ask for what you need. Ask for someone to help you. Ask for someone to join your container. Ask for help with social media if you need to, and really just go for it. So again, I hope you loved this episode. I hope you got some great takeaways that you can implement in your life today, and I would absolutely love to hear from you what they were and how you enjoyed it. Just reach out to me on Instagram at Kady O Connell, and I will see you back here next week.