A Q&A-style YouTube video (Dr. Carol Darsa, trauma psychologist) answering four viewer questions: (1) what narcissistic people are and how to cope (acceptance, clear boundaries, empathy, demand action), (2) strategies to overcome low self-esteem (identify origins, surround with supportive people, take action, keep a successes journal), (3) recognition of "hidden" or "small-T" trauma and when to seek professional help, and (4) guidance for women abused by partners during pregnancy (safety, consider leaving if ongoing physical abuse, couples counseling or professional therapy for relational/psychological abuse). The video ends with a plug for her book The Trauma Map and audiobook availability.
Chapters
Hi, this is Dr. Carol D', ARSA, Author, Trauma psychologist and founder of Reconnect Trauma Treatment center in Los Angeles. Welcome to my channel. Today I'll be actually answering questions that I received from some of my watchers and readers. And this is the reason why I have my laptop in front of me so I need my glasses. I have four questions and then we'll be going into the details with them. So first, is it possible to get along with narcissistic people? Okay, I've actually gotten a couple of questions about narcissistic people. So what is narcissistic person? It's someone who has an inflated sense of self, who really has a lot of needs and who tends to think more of their own needs rather than really be available for someone else's need. They could be sometimes sort of opportunistic or taking advantage of other people. Is it possible to get along with them? It is, but it is not easy, I have to admit. So here's few steps for you. One is accept that they're narcissistic. In fact, read about it because you want to make sure that you are labeling them correctly. Right? Narcissism is not something that changes. If they are that way, they will be that they that way forever. So just prepare yourself. Be very clear about boundaries. If you're good at boundaries, about saying no, they tend to actually react better, although not in the beginning. If you put boundaries, expect that they're going to push back, they're not going to be happy about it, but stick to it and just follow your own boundaries and what's necessary for you. They will not think what you need. So you will have to be really good at expressing what you need and what you want. So don't be afraid, don't be timid about expressing what you need. Don't take it personally. This is not because they don't care about you, but that is just how they're thinking. Everything to them revolves around them. Actually have empathy. Believe it or not, narcissism comes not because they are mean people, but it comes from a low self esteem or maybe even a lack of love or love of lack of care that they received during their childhood. So if you understand these things, you might be much less prone to to take it personally or to that you might not even get that upset. But demand action and definitely take care of yourself rather than waiting for them to take care of you. Okay, let's go into our second question. How do I overcome low self esteem issues? Okay, so this reader talks about Actually having a difficult time to go from one job to another. And she was saying that she actually knows she's good, but she's just not trusting herself at all. So I think it's important to first understand where the low self esteem issues are coming from. Did you grow up hearing a lot of negative things about yourself or did you have parents who are encouraging you? Do you have a partner or friends who are encouraging you? So you definitely want to surround yourself with people who are definitely lifting you up and not putting you down. You do not want to be around people who are judgmental because you probably are already judgmental towards yourself enough. So you definitely be careful about what kind of people you choose. So those are some things. What's important is actually self esteem is often related to taking actions. So if you take actions in your life and you keep your promises to yourself and you see that you can achieve something, you can build self esteem. Contrary to popular belief, self esteem is not about looking in the mirror and say, hey, I love you, you're beautiful. It's not that way. It's about really seeing what you do good and what you are able to accomplish. So if you are struggling with low self esteem issues, you may tend to forget your accomplishments. I would recommend them that you write them down. This is something I tell all my clients. Actually have your journal. And at the back of the journal write only successes and only positive things that you hear about yourself from others and that you are experiencing and revisit it from time to time. So build it. Start slowly and gradually because it does take time. But it is possible to change self esteem issues. Let's go into the third question. Is it possible to have experienced a traumatic event and not be aware of it? Yes, that is actually a very common thing. Most people think traumatic events are about soldiers coming back from the war or sexual abuse or natural disaster. So really like big events? Yes, those big events are traumatic. But a lot of small events, which are called in the psychology field small T stands for small trauma. So yes, those can be traumatic. And they often go with relational issues. So if you had parents who were physically available and you say, well, you know what, I grew up fine, nobody was beating me up or I felt loved and you know, we had money, we were normal people. And so I don't know why I'm reacting that way. Well, you may want to look into to see if they were actually emotionally available. Were they in attunement with what you were needing? Because a lot of relational stuff that you experienced as a Child with your parents will actually show up now as adult. And this is sort of how you know whether you have a trauma or not. Because that was another question that was going along with that question. Is that, do I have a hidden trauma and how do I know about it? Well, look at your life. Where does it show up? Are you having struggles with self esteem, which could be a sign of trauma? Are you having struggles with anger? Are you having struggles with mood issues? Are you having a lot of ups and downs, or crying, or you don't feel motivated and you just can't connect to something? You might have to do some digging. I would recommend to do this kind of digging, though, with a professional so that you really can understand what's in your way. What kind of belief systems did you grow up with that could have been traumatic for you or chronic stress that you had. And chronic stress could be eventually a traumatic experience. A lot of people don't know, but medical conditions are actually considered traumatic as well. So that could have been something that you're struggling with. Let's come to our last question. Actually, I can see without my glasses. How can women who have been abused by their partners during pregnancy overcome this trauma? Okay, this is a difficult question because it depends on what kind of trauma we're talking about. If it's a physical trauma, I'm hoping that after birth you are not on an ongoing basis, physically abused. If you are, and if you're in a domestic violence situation, I highly recommend you watch my domestic violence video. But you might want to consider about getting professional help and, and maybe even, you know, leaving your partner. Unfortunately, if you're still being ongoingly abused, but if it's a psychological abuse, two things that are important. Is your partner aware and has admitted that he has been abusive to you. If he has not, then you're going to have a much harder time to heal this because this is again, a relational trauma. And in a relational trauma, you need two parties to be able to work this out. So I highly recommend that you go for couples counseling to work this out. Or you can read some books that talk about how the unconscious patterns show up in relationships. Your partner who has abused you could have issues about fears about being a father, for instance, and those fears could come up during pregnancies. So it, it requires honest look into himself and honest look into yourself about how come you got stuck in that dynamic. But I highly recommend couples work in order to heal such a situation. Especially if you now have a new baby and you're struggling with taking care of your child and still really hunted by by the abuse you received during pregnancy. It could leave you feeling quite hopeless. But there is hope. I recommend that again, you work on it with a professional especially. Thank you for watching. If you want to know more about trauma, you may want to get my book, the Trauma Map. The by the way, just my audiobook came out this week. So you can have the Kindle version, paper version, or the audio version of my book. And it's, it's read by my own voice. So I'm very excited to share that with you guys. And if you have more questions about trauma in general. Right. Please just email me or right below the questions. My email is drdarsconnectcenter.com thank you for watching. And remember, trauma equals disconnect. Healing equals reconnect. Stay connected.
