22 - 10 THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T SAY TO A TRAUMA SURVIVOR - ALTERNATIVE WAYS TO TALK

Hi, I'm Dr. Carol Darza, author, trauma psychologist and founder of Reconnect Trauma Treatment center in Los Angeles. Today I'm going to talk about 10 things you should not say to a trauma survivor. This is a very important topic because you, as a loved one, a friend, a partner, a spouse, you have probably all the good intentions for someone who's been through a trauma. Either that they've been through a recent trauma or they've been to an old trauma and they're remembering and they're sort of maybe working on it and realizing what happened. And of course you want to help them, but unfortunately, despite all your intentions, you. You might actually say the wrong things to them and hurt them and hurt your relationship with them rather than actually helping them. So I made a list of those 10 things and then of course, at the end, I'm going to tell you what to say instead. So don't lose hope. Number one, I know what you're going through because so and so had the same thing. Well, that often, unfortunately, is interpreted as quite of a minimizing experiencing. Unless even if, by the way, I was going to say unless you've been through the same thing. But even if you've been through the same thing, you might not sometimes understand exactly what that person is going through because every experience is different. In fact, two soldiers can be in the same war and have different reactions to it. So watch out. I know the intention is like, I understand you, but there are better ways to say that. Here's the second one. It was so long ago, you should move on already. That often creates a lot of anger. Again, the intention is like, hey, move on. But no. So that makes the person feel quite guilty. They might feel weak about, how come I'm not able to move on. I know you know, it happened and everything. And also, it is a myth that time heals everything. No, unfortunately, some traumas do not get healed with. With time. So that doesn't mean that just because it was so long ago, the person is ready to move on. Here's another one. It's not so bad. And in fact, there are people who've experienced it worse than you. That's again, another one that's very minimizing and feeling like, oh, no, now I'm being selfish because I make myself such a victim. You, in fact, other people have it much worse than you do you think when someone's being hurt or abused or attacked, they're going to go, oh, you know what, it's not so bad because other people had it much Better than me, so I should be okay. There's no such a thing. This reminds me when, I'm sure you've experienced this, but when we were kids, most of the time if we didn't finish our plate, you know, our food on our plate, our parents used to say, you know, how many kids are there in Africa? And sort of made us feel like obliged to eat our, you know, finish our plate. And I used to think, well, if I eat it, does that affect the kids in Africa? I know it's a bit of a strange analogy, but it reminds me of that. Here's another one. And this is actually the, maybe the most well intentioned statement to say it's going to be okay. So the intention is just you trying to soothe this person, but the person is not feeling that way because first of all, we don't know the future. So you don't know whether it's really going to be okay for that person or not. And the person is in the fear. So they might feel like, how do you know? How do you know it's going to be okay? Right. There's that question. Here's another one. Number five, you need to be stronger than the trauma. Here's the judgment again that you're not strong enough or to believe that you can overcome it with your head, just to believe it. And your sort of like your mind power can overcome anything. This isn't just about a fear of something small. We're talking about if a person experienced trauma. So it's not just about how fast or how easily they can overcome or whether they are stronger or weaker than the trauma, but the trauma impacts, impacts the person. So if a person breaks their arm, can you say you are stronger than your broken arm? Yes, you can use your arm. Well, it's broken, right. How is that normal and how is the other one not normal? So watch out the words about strong and weakness so you don't come across like judgmental to the person. Number six. Oh, you are a drama queen. I don't know what the big deal is. This is how life is anyway. So the word drama queen, it's so triggering for so many people, especially if they have grown up in a family where they were not allowed to feel anything. And when they cried or when they felt something, they were told, you're too sensitive and look at your brother or sister, they don't cry or you're crying, I'll give you something to cry about. Right? All those things about not allowing the person to feel their feelings, not allowing them to Just like, be okay with who they are. If you're a parent or if you have siblings, you will know no children are alike. Right. You might have someone who's more sensitive. It's not a bad thing to be sensitive. Right. But there's a lot of judgment about sensitive being bad and weak and, you know, that kind of a thing. And being drama, like. So anytime a person is crying or feeling a lot of emotions, they actually feel the intensity of it. Doesn't mean they're doing it to get attention. Number seven, they didn't mean to hurt you. So almost kind of like to say, oh, they did their best, but they didn't know any better. You know, it's. That's along the same family. Well, there might be some truth to it, but let's assume you are walking on the street and under a construction and something falls on your head. I hope it doesn't happen, but it could happen. And you just had a head concussion. Does it matter whether that was intentional or not? It doesn't. The fact that you have an injury, the fact that you got hurt, and so trauma is that way too. Whether they meant to hurt you or not often is not relevant. What's relevant is the impact of it on you is the injuries that you are feeling on an emotional level as well as, of course, physical level. Well, the same thing can happen also if you are the survivor yourself, because you might say this to yourself, oh, my parents didn't really mean to do that, or my uncle didn't say it in a bad way. But your feelings could still get hurt, or you could still feel very much traumatized about what happened. So the intention is not relevant in this way. You must forgive the ones who hurt you. This often happens in a spiritual, religious way where you might feel pushed towards really just sort of forgiving already. And in fact, they say, you know, forgiveness is good for you. Well, that's true. Forgiveness is good for you, but it should not be the ultimate goal. You might not be ever able to forgive the person. And if you feel obliged to, oh, no, I have to forgive the person, you might end up actually feeling very inadequate about yourself. So please know that that's a very much of a personal decision. If and when. If the person ever wants to forgive the perpetrator, especially when we're talking about severe sexual or physical abuse, it's not an easy thing for the survivor to forgive a perpetrator in that case. So please stay out of that. Two more. All right. That's my. One of my favorite. You should really talk about it. You should really just take it out. Tell me about it in every detail so you can feel better. Or if you've ever watched any of my other videos where I talk about what really travel treatment means, you'll see that it's not necessary in order to feel better that you talk about what happened especially you don't need to talk about it over and over again. You can actually heal traumatic memories without ever disclosing what happened if it's too painful for you. So no, it's not a requirement. And the last one, you should do this or you should try this kind of giving like advice about how, how to overcome something. This often refers to like you're not doing enough or you didn't try enough. And let me give you some, you know, ideas of what to do again. I'm very much aware of the intent behind it, but it might not be as, as welcomed for the survivor. So. Okay, Also watch this 10 item list that I just gave you. See if you tell any of this to yourself. So either you're telling to other people or you're telling yourself. And this is where you can actually change your language. Well, what you can do instead, what can you say instead? Right? Number one, I am sorry that you are hurting. I am sorry that you are scared. I'm sorry that you are in pain. That's it. There's no but, there's no however, there's no end. I am just sorry that you're feeling this pain. Just to hear this alone could be sometimes so healing for the person and just try it with yourself. Just say that to yourself instead of coming up with all the other buts and ifs. If you've been saying that. Second one, is there anything I can do for you? So rather than offering what you think you should be doing for the other person, ask them and if there's nothing that you can do, it's okay. So that they don't feel like, oh, no, no, you know, you have to do something. But if there's anything I can do for you, ask what they need. 3. I'm here for you if you want to share your pain. If you want to share your pain is the key thing, but I am here for you. It could be also sharing your pain, but maybe just I'm here for you if you just want to sit with me so that they're not feeling alone in this pain. Because there's nothing worse than actually being alone with it. Trauma, the incidents, whatever happened is traumatic. But what's even more traumatic is to really feel alone with it. Another statement that you can say is, I can't even imagine how this must feel. You see the difference between I know how you, what you're feeling versus I can't even imagine you are right. The person might say, you can't even imagine. But even that is such a acknowledging statement rather than I know what, what you're doing, meaning like everyone's feeling bad. Another thing you can say is all your feelings are normal and they are all welcome. So there's no right or wrong. Right. You can tell me anything. You're angry, it's okay. You're sad, it's okay. You don't feel anything, that's okay. There's no judgment. Well, the other one is sort of similar. There's no right or wrong about how you're feeling or about what happened. So really letting go of the judgment. Another one is it's okay if you want to talk to a professional. It's okay if you have, if you want to reach out. Right. So it's really giving the permission to the person so that they know that they are not judged as, oh no, I am weak because now I have to go to therapy. Well, actually it really depends on where you live. But in California especially, that's where I am. We're quite lucky in the United States overall, I think we're quite lucky because going to therapy is considered much more normal. A lot of different cultures have much more judgments about it. Like when I grew up, it was unless you're crazy, you don't go for professional help. I think people are becoming much more open minded about it. And then another statement you could say is my prayers are with you or whatever. If you have a certain religious belief or spiritual belief that you share with your friend or with your loved ones and maybe praying together or doing some sort of a ritual or routine that really helps to help the person to suit them. If you want to reach to us at Reconnect Treatment center, we are here in Los Angeles. You can email us, you can write below some of your comments and ask us questions. We are here for you. You can also get a copy of my book Treatment Trauma Map. For your loved ones. If they don't know what to do with their trauma and you don't know how to help them, that has really good tools and techniques for them to listen, audiobook or read about it. And then they might feel a sense of like, okay, now you understand my trauma, you're really trying to help me. And please remember, trauma equals disconnect. Healing equals reconnect. Thank you. And stay connected. Sa.