Dr. Karol Darsa (Psy.D.) explains psychological projection—attributing unwanted or unconscious feelings, thoughts, or behaviors to others—and shows how it appears in relationships and following childhood trauma. She gives many concrete examples (e.g., accusing a partner of lying, feeling everyone notices a bad haircut, projecting parental punishment onto therapists), offers a self-reflection exercise (list judgments and admired traits to detect negative and positive projections), and emphasizes compassion and reconnective healing.
Chapters
Hi, I'm Dr. Carol Darca, author, trauma psychologist and founder of Reconnect Integrative Trauma Treatment center in Los Angeles. Today we're going to be talking about projections. So that's a little bit different. Projections in psychology, right? Not projections of what you want to do in life, but projections refer to having your unwanted unconscious feelings and thoughts and attributing them to someone else. I'm going to give you guys a lot of good examples, and I'm going to tie into it also how it relates to trauma. What does that mean? How does it show up in relationships? How does one react based on that? So think about it this way. If you have qualities or feelings or thoughts that you are either not aware that you have them or you're aware, but you're not at peace with them because you don't like that part of yourself, so you completely disown it and you put it on someone else. So it's almost like that person becomes your mirror. Here's some examples. So you think somebody is very mean or they're a liar. And you look at them that especially this, if this. You're in a relationship with someone, your spouse, your boyfriend, girlfriend, and they lie about something and you become furious, you're a liar. You know, I can't believe you did that type of thing. You might actually look into that and see if there's any projection in your reaction. Meaning, are you a liar yourself? In fact, sometimes your partner might not even have lied, but you might see them as lying or as behaving a certain way because of your own attributes, because of who you are and how you are with people. But because you don't like to see yourself, that person almost becomes your mirror. So they reflect to you who you are. And most people don't like to see that. So it's easier for us to see these negative qualities in someone else than in ourselves. Let's think of a couple of other examples. So an angry husband, for instance, yells at wife and then blames her for being very angry person while he was in fact the one who started the whole thing. For instance, have you ever had a bad haircut? And because you don't like it, and then when you walk on the street, you are convinced everyone's looking at you. In fact, they're even talking about you. That might be because that's your own projection that you think people are interested in your haircut, again, your own view reflecting to someone else. So a lot of childhood traumas actually contribute to this. So emotions that you couldn't accept as a child or that you felt sad or vulnerable can show up as such projections. So here's an idea of how to find out whether you are projecting onto someone else or not. Make a list of all the judgments that you have towards others. So start with the people who are closest to you. This again works the best if you're in an intimate relationship. Somehow these projections come out really the best that time. So make a list of everything you don't like about this person. Whatever you're judging them for, they are lazy, they are mean, they are inconsiderate, they are insensitive, they are, they're not loving, they're not affectionate enough, they don't care about you and all of that stuff, right? And then one by one, this requires a lot of honesty and a lot of self reflection. One by one, look at that list and ask yourself if you indeed treat others or have treated others in the way that you are angry for your partner to treat you. So that's one way a projection happens. So if you think they are not nice to you, are you really nice with them? If you think they are being selfish with you, have you been selfish with them? If it's not with them, have you been selfish in other areas with other people? So that's one way the projection works, is how you treat others. But here's another part of projection that most people don't know and that I often bring up in therapy is that if you have those treatments towards yourself. So let's say the judgment is selfishness. You think your partner is very selfish and you're very angry with them for that. And you look hard at yourself and you realize, I'm really not selfish. In fact, I'm very giving. I give so much to my partner. So then the question you ask is, am I selfish towards myself? That sounds kind of funny, but meaning am I actually taking care of myself? So if you're feeling ignored by someone else, but you're not the person who ignores them, then you look at am I ignoring myself? Because if you are, then that could get projection projected onto the other person as well. I hope all of this is making sense because this is a very tricky but a very important part in really bringing up insights to who you are and insights to your childhood traumas. Because every behavior, every thought and feeling is often really impacted by how we were raised. I want to give you guys a couple of other examples. So a woman who's stealing something from a store, they might be afraid that they are going to be robbed or like their wallet is stolen or something like that, Right? So there's that fear, because that's what they are doing. A person who cheats might be afraid that they are going to be cheated because their mind is in the cheating area. So a man who's constantly talking throughout the dinner and someone interrupts them and they get mad at being interrupted, really, without realizing that they were not even giving space to talk to someone else. So that's another way of projecting. The projection happens a lot in therapy sessions, too. So you might come into sessions, for instance, as a client, and your therapist all of a sudden might be reflecting back to you a role of a mom or a dad. So if you had a very punishing kind of parent, you might think that your therapist is angry with you or is going to punish you or is going to yell at you or is going to hurt you the way that other people hurt. So you might project those fears onto even a therapeutic relationship. A mother, for instance, could pressure their children to be successful because they were not successful. A projection can show up in that way. So a lack of it and the desire of it could be getting reflected on that a person can be complaining about some politicians saying, oh my God, there's such, like, horrible person and they're lying and cheating. And again, they might be doing that with their family. So, yes, they're not in politics, so they might not see the projection, but they might be the same kind of person. Well, with all of this negativity, I actually have some good news to share with you guys. So the projection doesn't always go in that negative way. There's something that's called positive projection. That's also something that most people don't know. So you know how I asked you to create a list of everything that you don't like in a person? The positive projection works completely in the opposite way. Now. You make a list of all the good attributes you like in someone else. That could be your partner, that could be your family member, or it could be really someone you admire sometimes, like a big Mother Teresa kind of figure. And then you write every good quality about that person. And yes, so when you look at that list, you might say, oh, I wish I was like them, I wish I was that good, or I was that kind. But you might be surprised. So the reason why you are admiring them so much might be actually because in some way you have those attributes inside and then you are seeing that in someone else. And that's why it gets your attention. So it goes both ways. It's not always negative, but it could be in the positive way. So if you really want to get to know yourself, maybe look at the way that you look at other people and how you judge them to really understand who you are. Overall, these projections are a sign that we have defense mechanism in place. So it doesn't mean they are bad things. So don't get discouraged, don't judge yourself. If you're becoming aware of your projections towards others. In fact, many times they're unconscious. Sometimes they're unconscious. So it depends on the situation. But there's a reason why we have defense mechanisms. And it's important to understand that if we didn't have defense mechanism, we probably would be overwhelmed. So they are really here to protect us from sort of seeing a lot of negative sides or feelings in us. And it makes it easier to see in others. I encourage you either way to be gentle with yourself, to be compassionate with yourself and have the willingness to really look at yourself without judging yourself. So you can always improve. In my opinion, the self growth never ends. And if you want professional help because you want to look further into your unconscious and you really want to understand yourself, feel free always to contact us at Reconnect Center. Also, you can get my book the Trauma five Steps to Reconnect to Yourself. It's about really understanding how your childhood has impacted you and ways to really get to know your feelings and your thoughts better this way. And please remember, trauma equals disconnect. Healing equals reconnect. Stay connected.
