Dr. Karol Darsa (Psy.D.), founder of Reconnect Trauma Treatment Center, explains that trauma fragments the self into age-stuck parts which can later drive strong emotional or addictive behaviors. Using a clinical example of a successful woman who 'acted like a toddler' after parental abandonment, Darsa advises nonjudgmental acceptance of these parts, tracing reactions back to childhood origins, identifying the protective purpose of maladaptive behaviors, and replacing harmful coping (e.g., substance use) with constructive ways to meet unmet needs. Closing advice: accept all parts of yourself to reconnect and heal ("trauma equals disconnect; healing equals reconnect").
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Hi, I'm Dr. Carol Darca, author, psychologist and founder of Reconnect Trauma Treatment center in Los Angeles. Do you know that we have different parts to our personality and it's hard for us to accept those? If you relate to what I'm saying, you're going to like this video. So let's talk about what I mean. I want to start with an example. I was working with a 30 year old woman the other day. It's one of my clients and she's a highly successful business person and she's talking about a challenge with her husband and she got really mad at him and started yelling at him and then was crying. And then when we were talking, she said, I'm so embarrassed. Oh my God. I'm the successful mature woman, I'm a mother. And I found myself talking to him like a toddler. Ding. Okay, this is what I mean. So what does she mean by like a toddler? So when I asked her about her reactions and her feelings, I then went in to explain to her why she was acting like a toddler. But it's so crucial that I also had to explain to her not to judge herself. So what do I mean by that? If you've experienced trauma, you probably, probably have also experienced sense of disconnect from yourself. What do I mean by that? So if, well, in this case of my client, for instance, she experienced trauma as a toddler with her parents who abandoned her. So when that happens, a person at that age almost gets frozen in that time and then later on, yes, of course, physically we grow up, but there are parts of ourselves, right, that sort of get started, stuck in certain ages. So when she reacts to someone at this age as an adult, this old feeling that was never resolved, never healed and never accepted comes forward. So even though it looks like she's angry with her husband, and that is accurate, there's real anger that comes from an earlier, younger experience of when she was 2 years old. So this is a very common thing for a lot of traumatic situations. This could be physical abuse, sexual abuse, car accidents, medical issues, or really growing up with neglectful parents. And you might find yourself, let's say at 2 years old you have a physical abuse, at 7 year old there's a sexual abuse, at 10 year old you were bullied at school or there's a car accident. So all those ages eventually sort of get stuck in your memory and in your feeling state. So that when you are going through life day by day and you experience certain things, it just sort of shows up. It like Pairs up, right? It has an association. So it's very important for us to really understand where the origin of our behaviors are coming from. Each time you react to someone very strongly. I don't mean just like, yeah, I was upset, but like, you really have a strong reaction. In fact, you say, I can't believe that, that I acted this way. I can't recognize myself. Really track back where this experience or reaction coming from. What does it remind you of? This is not an easy thing sometimes to do on your own, but it is definitely a possibility. So in that case, we were able to find out what happened of how the parents abandoned her. It was an emotional abandonment at the age of 20. I'm sorry, at the age of two when that happened, we were able to actually connect to that feeling where at that time she thought it was not a big deal. So by just validating that experience and by giving an opportunity for the feelings to come forward, we were able to have a sense of reconnecting to her. How does that show up day to day? Well, let's think of an example of an addiction. For instance, if you're a cigarette smoker or you have another kind of addiction, it's very easy to judge yourself, right? Oh, I'm an addict, I'm this, I'm that. So this is a part of you, right? You might say, oh my God, again. On one hand I'm dysfunctional person. On the other hand, I'm an addict. Or you're very nice to your co workers and your friends, but you're horrible to your partner. Or you might be very mature when it comes to your business relationship or with your colleagues again, but very immature in a romantic relationship. So these are different parts of ourselves where we may not like it. It's very, very important to recognize that we may not be just sort of one way, right, one part of our personality, but that we might have different parts that also have to be really accepted and integrated really into our lives. So if you are struggling with addiction, rather than judging yourself as an addict and not wanting to see that, ask yourself, where is that coming from? What is that part actually really needing? Instead of using the substance that you might be using, once you understand that that's a part of you behaving a certain way due to a lack most of the time in childhood, you might be able to fulfill that need rather than going reaching out for a substance. The same thing with emotions. So maybe you've heard people talking about my higher self or my wife self and really liking a part of Themselves that's always sort of integrated and all, you know, good behaving part of themselves and really like not wanting to look at the other side, right? Some people call that a shadow self. I actually don't like these words, the shadow and the good and the bad part of myself. Because the moment I think of a part of me as higher, that means another part of me is lower. Rather than seeing it like every part of me is okay and every part of me is there for a reason. In fact, most of the time, the addiction or the asshole part of me or the mean part of ours, this is all there because it was there to protect us. Think of it that way. If you are becoming mean and angry towards other people, that might be another reason underneath. Maybe you're afraid of getting hurt and that's sort of your way of defending yourself, right? If you're using substances, I'm not saying use them, but rather than again, judging yourself as an addict and putting that part of you down, if you understand that it's coming from another reason, most of the time actually it's probably love, then you might be able to say, okay, it's there because it's protecting me, right? It's actually getting some good feeling, otherwise I'm going to break down. So every part of us actually has a purpose. So if you're mean, I keep giving the mean examples because I think that's when people get the most shock of who they are. When they really look in the mirror and go, I thought I was such a nice person and I was behaving so, you know, badly towards that person is because that's a part of you that's fulfilling a purpose. So it's important to really just look at all of that and maybe even journaling about each of them. You can write down like, okay, in these situations I behave this way, in these situations I behave that way. Find the route to the childhood where it's coming from. Ask what's the purpose of it? Why am I behaving a certain way? What am I really trying to achieve? Rather than just, oh, I'm so bad, right? And then the last question is, how can I fulfill that need with something that's more constructive. So if you are angry at people and you often push people away, this is a very common example. Asking yourself of how can I protect myself in a gentle way? Because that usually again, a self preservation, self protection. And if you have an addiction, then ask, how else can I fulfill the need to be loved, the need to be validated, or the need to soothe my feelings. Which comes back to actually the most important part of the acceptance is the feelings. Why we can't accept the past experiences, or we don't want to face our trauma because of the feelings that it brings us. So we like ourselves when we're happy, we like ourselves when we're positive. In fact, we talk about people, oh, such a happy person, such a good person kind of thing. But then when someone is angry, there's right away, like, oh, my angry side, right? So let's look at that as a. As a really acceptance. Like, can you look in the mirror and say, I am this way, that way, horrible person sometimes, And I do this and I lied, but I still accept myself. That doesn't mean you can't improve your behaviors, of course, but again, not to judge yourself in a way that could cause further problems. Why am I emphasizing on accepting every parts of your personality? What happens if you don't accept those parts of you? Well, that's when a person can actually live in a very disconnected state. So if you hate yourself or if you hate parts of yourself, then you may never be able to find the real peace. And without even realizing, you might treat yourself so, so much worse. In fact, a lot of the addiction, in addition to what I said about where it's coming from, right, the need to be loved or to soothe your feelings eventually continues. Because if you hate yourself for being an addict, then you have this hatred inside, right? Then what do you think you do, you're going to do with that hatred? Well, you want to forget the hatred, so you're going to use more, right? And when you use more, you're going to have even more hatred. And then you're going to want to get rid of that hatred again, and you're going to use more so you could find yourself in a vicious cycle if you don't find a way to really make peace. Most of our issues regarding mental health, believe it or not, are not only coming from actually an external factor, but it's about how we treat ourselves following that. So if you were very much judged and criticized as a child, and then you take that on to yourself, and you continue to treat yourself that way, you may never hear really the past trauma. So it's not so much only what happens to you, but it's about what you do with it to yourself. And that's the reason why it's very important to accept who you are fully without judging, so that you can actually heal. You can find peace now, and you can even heal the past. If you want to know more about ways to reconnect with yourself, I would recommend that you read my book, the Trauma Map. Or you can call us at Reconnect Center. We have highly experienced therapists that can help you with that. Thank you for watching. And remember, trauma equals disconnect. Healing equals reconnect. Stay connected, Sa.
