40 - SELF FORGIVENESS - DO YOU KNOW PEOPLE TEND TO FORGIVE OTHERS MORE THAN THEMSELVES?

Hi, I'm Dr. Carol Darzaw, author, psychologist and founder of Reconnect Trauma Treatment center in Los Angeles. Do you know that people tend to forgive others more than themselves? Do you judge yourself that way as well? So I decided today to talk about self forgiveness because I've actually been reading a lot about forgiving others, which is a very touchy subject. But what I realized is actually people struggle, struggle much more with self judgment and self hatred and self blame much more than really the anger or the blame towards other people. So let's start with why you should forgive yourself and then we'll talk about some of the challenges that gets in your way. Well, first of all, when you don't and you stay in blame, it turns into shame and self anger. And when you live with that, the tendency, what happens is the tendency is to become more and more sort of self punishing. So it's not just like, yes, I'm just angry with myself, but I don't do anything about it. No. People then tend to do really things that are dead detrimental for themselves. So this is, so this is the reason why it's so important to let go of the resentment, which again, it can also turn into shame and sometimes into guilt. I noticed we tend to be much more like maybe we have high expectations of ourselves. You know, we expect other people to, you know, screw up a little bit or to make some mistakes and we kind of understand that. But when it's us, we get really angry. We somehow think we should be these superhuman beings with no mistakes and really have like these perfectionist behaviors. And we get very angry at ourselves when we don't behave such way. So it's very important as you accept yourself and your past behaviors, you are in some ways also accepting your past trauma because no behavior is really coming without any reason. So if you are, well, I mean, it could be a spectrum thing of things, right? You could be maybe even abusive to other people. You could have maybe hurt people, or you're lying to people, or you are mean or you did really horrible things, you stole and you hurt someone. Yes. These are not easy things. I'm not saying, of course this is all okay, right? But it's important to first of all understand where they're coming from. And that is not to justify the behavior, but it's just to explain the behavior. So there's a big difference between justification and really understanding. So if you want to be perfect in some way, or if you are really not at peace with the way that you have been behaving Chances are you are not really accepting who you are yourself and you have this idealized self of who you should be, which again means you are not accepting your past history. So try to focus first of all on understanding yourself and even asking really yourself the questions of why. And of course the most important thing is acknowledging what you did and asking yourself, how can I change this behavior? So forgiving yourself or accepting yourself does not mean that you do the same behavior over and over again. Well, well otherwise of course, then I understand why you are really angry at yourself if you keep sort of repeating the same thing. But the goal is to really be able to learn something from your mistakes rather than focusing on the mistake itself. In other words, beating yourself up over and over again, not only it will deplete you, but you will have really no energy or no motivation to change that behavior. So instead of learning something from it, you'll only feel the self beating, which then turns into shame. And then shame can be even more abusive behavior. In fact, people who tend to blame themselves or hate themselves and judge themselves tend to become very much mean towards other people because of this negativity that they're experiencing. So obviously you can't change things that you already did. So there's a radical acceptance happens right then and there. We can't go back to the past. The only thing that we can change is truly now and the future. And once you know that power of changing the now and the future, you are much more likely able to forgive yourself. Again, I want to emphasize we're not excusing the behavior, right? It's about just accepting it, but it's about learning something from it and changing yourself. So another good idea is of course facing the people that you hurt, apologizing to them. You can explain the reasons and you can always let them know you're not making excuses. But here, here are the reasons of why maybe you were very hurtful to someone else and then how you would like to rectify that problem. Although some of these behaviors that you are judging yourself or could be towards yourself or towards others, right. For me they're all in the same category. It's like these are reasons why a person might be very angry with themselves. But with this level of anger, a person cannot live in peace, nor it can, they cannot even contribute to the society. So actually self forgiveness is not only good for you, but it really is good even for the rest of the people around you, for your loved ones, for your family, even for your co workers. You might find yourself saying, I wish I didn't do this, or I wish I didn't behave that way. And there's somewhat of an easier way to deal with that actually is find someone that you really love, like maybe your best friend or your child, and imagine them doing the exact same behavior that you are judging yourself for. Think about it really and tell me how you would treat them. Would you be angry at them as much as you are angry at yourself? So again, people tend to be more forgiving of other people than of themselves. What I noticed over the years working with clients is that when I ask them, why are you so angry at yourself? And they tell me what they did wrong, they almost sound like they murdered somebody. But when I actually hear the behaviors really the crime and the punishment, it doesn't match. It's fascinating to me how harsh people can be on themselves. You could also use a spirituality or religion or some form of a group support in order to let go of some of these judgments that you might be holding against yourself. Although some, unfortunately religions may make it worse because if they're more sort of sin based, then you may have a really harder time to forgive yourself. But if you believe in an all forgiving and all loving God, you might actually be able to let go of some of these things. This might be a strange thing to say, but don't say, I wish I didn't do this. Because the wishful thinking of a past is really the opposite of acceptance. Again, the radical acceptance is about just letting go of the wishful thinking and saying, this is what happened, this is who I am, and I'm going to do my best. But we're going to practice a little meditation that's taken from mindfulness. It's actually called loving kindness meditation. If you are already a mindfulness practitioner, I'm sure you've heard of this, but I'm going to guide you through it just briefly. So I would recommend as I read it, just go with me. Okay? Sit quietly and comfortably as you're watching this video. I would actually prefer that you, you keep your eyes open and just find a little spot. Maybe if you have a plant or a nice picture to look at, you could do that. Or if not, you can just look at the floor. If you really want to close your eyes, then that's fine as well. But just make sure that it doesn't overwhelm you. Okay? Just imagine yourself sitting in a beautiful, calm and relaxing place. That's why I was saying just have a quiet moment. Just really imagine all the sights and smells and sounds of where you would like to be. Could be a beach, it could be the forest. And just notice your breath going in and out of your body. And focus on your breath just for a couple of more seconds. Just being aware of the here and now and on your feet, on the ground, really bring all your attention to your heart area. As you take breaths in and out with a normal breath, just notice how your heart feels. And just repeat to yourself gently from the inside the the feeling, love and the words of what they mean. And think of someone that you love or an image that it's important for you. It could be an animal that you love, somebody you know from the past, somebody you know now. And just really think of that person and notice the feelings of love in your heart. Experience this feeling of love and warmth and expand it, feel it throughout your body, not only in your heart, really just feel the sense of the caring and loving that you feel towards this person. And gently repeat to yourself, may I be well, healthy and strong. May I be happy, May I abide in peace. May I feel safe and secure, May I feel loved and cared for. And as you bring this person into your mind or an animal, someone you like, right and love just now this time, think of yourself. Whatever all the judgments that you have had in the past, putting them aside, don't go into your thoughts, just think of yourself maybe when you were younger or when you're vulnerable and when you're hurt and just tell to yourself, may you be well, may you be happy, may you abide in peace, may you feel safe and secure, may you feel loved and cared for. And then if your eyes were closed, just gently open them again and bring all your awareness into here and now and into your body. And you can repeat the same words a few times until you start really letting the warmth and the caring that you are feeling towards someone else into your own heart and expand throughout your body. I hope that you found my words inspirational. I'm very, very passionate about self love and self care and compassion and really self forgiveness. I think without this, there's not much more we can do if we want to really have a peaceful and happy life. And if you need professional help, you can also always contact therapists in your neighborhood or our staff at Reconnect that can help you. They're very compassionate, very caring, which is the only way to really deal with deal with trauma. So sending you compassion from where I'm sitting here in Pacific Palisades. And please remember, trauma equals disconnect. Healing equals reconnect. Stay connected with yourself.