Self-Acceptance & Leadership

Hey sunshine, welcome to the podcast. Um, I am, full disclosure, on a walk, and so I'm a little winded because I just went up a big hill, but I'm over that now. And, um, I have a topic I want to talk to you about. It's, uh, it's, it's interesting because it really comes up in almost everything that I have conversations with my clients about. And even when I look at myself and I look at where I face challenges. And it sounds like a big topic. It's called— I'm calling it self-acceptance, but I don't think it really is. I think it's really just the simple observation that I have discomfort with being me, with being kind of designed the way that I am. And as a result, I feel insecure, I lack confidence, or I feel judged. I have a lot of thoughts about myself, which then I blame other people for having about me, and I call it judgment. They're so judgmental, right? That kind of thing. When really it's just the thoughts that I think about myself. It's things that I believe about myself. Or it's things that I know about myself that I haven't accepted. So, um, it's kind of an interesting line, right? Because there are some things about who we are that we want to change. We want to grow. We want to expand. We want to move out of. And from my perspective, those are negative patterns, negative habits, things that do not help us achieve what it is that we want to achieve. But then there's things that we don't really care about changing about ourselves because we are achieving what we want to achieve. We're getting the result that we want. Right? So this came up recently. It's just a very simple example, but I think it's kind of, um, well, it's come up a lot of times. I'm gonna give you a few examples, but the most recent one was just a client, um, sent me a box and she's like, okay, I'm having this event. And my family is filled with women who are great at hostessing and making food and catering and things like that. You know, they're just good at that, which I can totally relate to because I have about 4 things I know how to do. One of them includes charcuterie boards, right? I'm really good at putting together a charcuterie board. I don't have to do anything. She was, um, she was asked to do pigs in a blanket. And she was so funny because she's like, she just asked me to make pigs in a blanket like anybody would know how to do that. And of course she has the perfect coach for her because I'm like, I don't know how to do that. I know there's— is it bacon? Are you wrapping Vienna sausages with bacon? I have no idea. So I'm— and so she's like, listen, I have all these things that I do for myself because I have this beautiful life that I live. I have a house manager, I have people who prepare my food, you know, make our dinners. I have this— she's built the life that she wants because this is not her thing, making the food. It's not her thing. And, um, I agree, like, I'm that girl too. When I was young and had young kids, there was always the, like, sign-up sheet for all the classrooms and You need to, you know, everybody needs to volunteer and read. Oh my God, I can't even tell you, like, that is just not my jam and it never has been my jam. And it's because it's not my jam, it's not affecting my ability to get what I want in my life, right? So I was always a mom that said, listen, I can't volunteer time, but I'm more than happy to give you a check to help support these events. And that is what I chose. And I felt really uncomfortable with that because I was surrounded by women who were all about the volunteering. Until I met one friend who was like me and she was like, oh my God, can I just write the check? I don't live the life that allows me to do this. And so that's sort of personal, but then there's also kind of those things about business, right? Like I've had clients, I've had one specifically who was, she's just kind of direct and crass and funny, like real sarcastic. And she kept feeling horrible because she would hire people and they would get their feelings hurt. She's like, everybody's so soft and everybody thinks I'm so mean. And I'm like, okay, you're doing really well in your life. You have a beautiful life. You have a beautiful family. You have an incredible business. Why don't we start just accepting this is who you are instead of hiring around it and like pretending that you're going to be different? How about we just tell people, this is how I communicate. This is how I do things. And that changed her life, right? Because she had to stop— she could stop trying to be the boss that everybody says you're supposed to be, and, and then leaned all in on accepting who she is. And that's fantastic. That's alignment. Because being who she is isn't preventing her from getting what she wants, which is the life that she had. Right? And I think I would just ask you, like, where do you feel judged? It's the first place you can always go. Where do you move around in your world and you feel judged? I've had clients come to me and say, my team thinks I'm being really difficult. And I'm— I'll break it down with them. Like, what are we doing? Let's talk about it. Like, are you getting the result that you want? A lot of times, the owner of a business being really difficult, and I put that in quotes, is holding people accountable. That's all. That's alignment. If people work for you who are uncomfortable being held accountable, they're not your people. That's not a personal failing. Now, if you go through life blistering people and everybody's always leaving, that's a different conversation, right? Because maybe you're not getting what you want. Maybe you're getting turnover all the time. Maybe your habitual behavior, unexamined behavior, is preventing you from getting what you want. So we first have to look at where do you feel judged? And how does that story that you tell yourself about you not fitting in, not belonging, not doing it right, feeling judged by others. Where is that affecting your ability to get what you want? So maybe you don't join— you know, I've had clients who've said this to me— they don't join masterminds, they don't participate in groups with other women because they feel judged, right? Okay, so let's look at that. Is believing that about yourself, that you don't fit in, these women are better than me, these women aren't nice, these women are cliquey, whatever it is. Does that thought, that belief about yourself and them prevent you from getting the results that you want? And in a lot of cases, the answer is yes. And that's coming from a lack of self-acceptance. What if you just decided to be who you are? You're just that girl. You're just whatever that is. You're shy, you're outgoing, you say all the things, you don't say anything. You dress that way, you dress this way, you don't wear makeup, you wear tons of makeup, you love all the filler, all the fakey things in your boobs, in your face, you love it all, you don't love any of it, you're totally au naturel. It doesn't matter. How do you feel you, mama? And can you accept yourself as you are? Because you are. So the way we know we're in this loop is when we're not getting the results that we want. And when we're not getting the results that we want, then we have to look at, okay, what is my loop here that I'm stuck in? So my client who was asked to make the pups in a bag or whatever it is, pigs in a blanket, right? Her result was that she had this incredible event. She did not need to be the one who made the food. And she was super cute because after the event, she sent me a message and a picture and said, I put the crackers out. I'm like, good job. Like, be that girl. Be the girl that you are. You're not the chef. You're not the pigs in a blanket preparer. If you are sort of sassy and sarcastic, but you are getting the results that you want in your life and in your business, you don't have to be different. You have to accept it and then build the world around it. That's not an excuse for being a jerk, because I'll tell you what, people who are cruel, mean, hurtful, they don't get what they want. And that behavior is coming out of a lack of self-acceptance, that behavior is coming out of insecurity. So if I were just to ask you today to write down, I would ask you to write down all the things that you think should be different about yourself or that you think other people judge you for, right? And this is work we all have. This is— nobody is exempt from this. I should be nicer. I should be more firm. I should dress better. I should dress more casually. I should be more open. I should be more I should be less transparent. People don't like that I say what I mean. People don't like that I don't speak enough. Like, we're always losing when we think this way. And I go through this because I, I really have been working on just being all in on me. And I was feeling this recently. I had an experience where I was telling a story, and in the middle of the story, a person I was telling the story to interrupted and said, "Oh yeah, me too." You know that story? You know when people do that? "Oh yeah, me too." And then started to like take the story in a totally different direction. And I stopped her and I said, "Wait, I'm not done. Please don't, please don't like take away the story. I'm not done telling my story." And I would never do that before. What I used to do is just shut my mouth, smile, and then try and avoid this person going forward because I would recognize her as a "oh, I have that" person. But this time I redirected and I said, "Hey, I'm not done with my story. Let me finish." I was a little mad. And I will tell you this very same person in a conversation about the illness that my mom has did the very same thing. Oh, my dad had that, and this is how awful it was for him, and just pulled it all away. And I sat there and listened to her, and she wanted to keep talking. And I said, you know what, I don't want to have this conversation anymore. It's making me really upset. Like, there was nothing about what she was saying that was helping me. So my point is, we have to be who we are because that is the only choice we have. But I believe we could start to be more of who we are on purpose. And by giving ourselves permission to be who we are on purpose, we actually become the best version of that version of you. Does that make sense? So if I no longer want to tolerate being interrupted by people who are just interested in talking I will express that, I will say something, and then I actually get to become more of who I am. And you know what's super fun? Then that person doesn't want to spend time with me, and I don't care because I have now recognized who I am. I have been honest about it for myself. If I'm honest with my family and say, you know, I'm really not good at the food part, I would love to support, I would love to host, I would love to bring the paper products. I would love to bring the flowers. Can we make that arrangement for all the future stuff we do? Now I can be all her. I can go and I can get all the most beautiful flowers. I can lean into what brings me joy and helps me be involved. If I hold people accountable and I'm consistent about that, I need to tell people that right away. Hey, listen, here's how it's gonna go. You and I make agreements. If you don't follow through, I'm gonna, I'm gonna address it with you. It's not because I don't like you. It's not because it's personal. It's because that's what we're here to do is make agreements and contribute to the results of the business. I'm looking for people who want to work with me, who like to work in an environment where their word matters. Where their commitments matter, where their goals matter, right? We can be more of who we are on the front end instead of hiding it because we're afraid of being judged. Like, that's coming from you being afraid that people won't accept you. And that's coming from the fact that you don't accept you. And that is the first person I want to give permission to. To let yourself be who you are, love, especially now. I know most people who listen to my podcast, you're a little bit older. Like, aren't you tired? Aren't you sort of tired of just pretending and being afraid you won't be loved and cared for or respected or whatever you tell yourself? What if you could be all her and then surround yourself with people who genuinely want that version of you, the real one? So this is your exercise, right? Like, what is it that I'm in resistance to about myself? What do I tell myself needs to be different so that people will like me, respect me, stop judging me? What do I tell myself other people are judging me about? Because that's how we know you're judging yourself. That's just basic. And then decide, How amazing you are, how worthy you are, how loved you are, how uniquely you, you are, and how magical that is. No one's broken. No one's wrong in their humanness. We have all have our own quirks and idiosyncrasies and preferences and all the things, but none of that makes us broken. What actually keeps us feeling that way is being in denial of the truth of who we are. And in leadership, this cannot coexist. You cannot hold high results, high expectations, hold the beautiful horizon and vision for what you want to create in the world while simultaneously believing that you aren't the right person for it. That you don't accept the certain things about yourself, this version of you that's in this leadership role. You'll get defensive when people make mistakes. You'll, you'll lose it. You'll take it all personally. You'll see things that other people do in your business as personal attack or a lack of respect. When 9 times out of 10, none of that is true. People make mistakes, people do stuff, people don't show up to work, people come in late, people Gossip. People do all these things not because of you, but because of them. But as soon as you make it about you, you've lost it. And that lack of self-acceptance is where this all begins. You have to accept yourself first. You have to know who you are and trust who you are and love who you are. And I realize that's a journey for a lot of us, but here's the last thing I'll say, which might be a little controversial. Stop the story fondling. Listen, I think therapy has a great place. I think coaching has a great place. But I think what both of those things have done in some cases is over-permitted this fondling of story to an unhealthy degree. Tell the story to someone who will listen. Be and see heard. Be and see— be, be and feel and see. I can't say that right. Be and feel heard. Let someone acknowledge the truth about the pain. Feel it. Go there. Allow it. And then let it go. The experience is over. The only thing that remains is your story and your narrative about it. And you get to decide at this point in your life if you're going to let it continue to be that powerful. One of my retreats many years ago, a woman sat in the circle and talked about how her husband had an affair, and it was very sad, and she was very sad, and it had happened a while ago. And I asked her, I said, how many times have you told that story? She said, I don't know, a lot. And I said, Are you willing to let today here be the last time you ever tell it? And she said, yes. And I said, okay. And it won't surprise you that that, and among other things that we did together, she blew up in her business, she blew up in her life. She radically accepted who she is, who she is now that she chose to stay in this marriage instead of being the wounded wife. Accept what you've chosen, accept where you are. Going back and retelling painful stories, do it once, do it well, be heard, be honored. And then let it go. It's not serving you anymore. And the more you carry around the weight of feeling unaccepted or unacceptable to yourself, the more you're gonna fight these little itty-bitty issues in all these different relationships that you have. So those are my thoughts. If you ever want to explore how you and I can work together, just go to thevisionary.co. There's always some information there on what we're up to. Talk to you next time.

The best news ever! SAGE has reopened for registration going into the 26-27 season. We will begin at the end of September and complete next year in July. And I'm so excited. We have some amazing gatherings scheduled and the focus for this year will be just wonderful. I cannot wait to get started. There's still some spots available. So if you're interested, please go to thevisionary.ceo/sageinvitation. You'll see all the details. And the next step is for us to meet and have a call and talk about it. Let's do it.

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