Episode 5: The Art of Transformation w. Lauren Unger

Welcome to Scar Tissue, the podcast. I'm your host, Melissa Dugalecki. And here we understand the power that lies within our pain, that lies within the scars and the wounds and the nicks and the burns that come with the experience of life. When we learn how to leverage this, it is a powerful tool and capital that not only can take you to your next level in your life, but can make massive impact on others as well in the most beautiful ways. So here on Scar Tissue, we have real, raw, and relatable conversations that will show you that there is not one way to live, that the word should doesn't exist and doesn't serve us in the vocabulary of our lives. That you are meant to live and create your most authentic self, and that we are worthy of everything but entitled to nothing. It is up to us to create it and to create from a place of love, opportunity, possibility, and authenticity. Let's dive in. All right, everybody, I am so excited to introduce you to Lauren Courtney, who is a dear friend of mine, but friend doesn't actually do it justice. We're on this soul journey together. Lauren is absolutely magical in who she is and what she creates in this world. And I really can't give a title to describe exactly what you do. Like, really, I really can't. Like, I'd love to be like.

And she is this.

Right. But, you know, among many things, Lauren is an energy worker. She is a healer. She is like a spiritual guide. She is a channel. She's an exceptional culinary artist. And I think if I were to pick one word, it'd probably be artist, because everything you do is just the vehicles to express your art. And also a soon to be author.

Yeah.

So without further ado, welcome to the unnamed podcast at this point. Lauren, thanks for being here.

Thank you for having me. I love that I've been sitting with this idea that I am an artist and everything I do is a form of art, whether it's healing art, food being art, or actually, like, creating art, which you've gotten to see my home over the last few days. It is all art. It's all an expression. For a while, I called it magician energy, and I still work with that and alchemy energy, and it truly is art. Yeah. So thank you.

Yeah.

It's always funny when someone who, you know, like a business person, that's like, pick the niche, choose the niche.

Yeah.

It's like, I can't.

I don't.

I can't really label you. I'm like, I. Tell me about it. I've been Trying to label myself for years.

And it's so funny, because this podcast in its newest iteration is about not living a normal life, like, living that rare life, living the abnormal. And you are such an embodiment of that. So much so we can't put a title on it. You know, every time I come to your place, it's like, I was joking last night, but I wasn't joking. I'm like, am I going to crawl out of here? Because it's like this portal of lessons and collapsing time and learning, and that is truly what the show is about. What are we learning in our time here? It's, I think, you know, the very 3D version of Melissa was a teacher.

Right?

But I think actually my 5D, like, my. My soul is a teacher, and that's what I want to do here. So, Lauren, we're going to learn from you today.

Amazing. For all the students and the teachers.

We're all the students and the teacher. So talk to tell people a little bit about who you be, what you, you know, what you've created and how you've gotten here.

Oh, gosh, I'm excited. So I, I am all of those things. I am a chef, I am a healer, I am an artist, I am a musician, I'm an author, I'm a writer. And I didn't know any of those things about myself for a long time. I, for, you know, much of my life, I grew up, I went to college, and then I thought, like, now I am from New York. So it was like, okay, well, now I moved to Manhattan. And then eventually, like, I moved out of Manhattan, white picket fence, like, two kids, husband, dog, etc. And then it was like, no, no, no, pull back, sweetie. Your path is different than the paths you've seen for others. So when I graduated college, I worked a regular kind of job, even though it was a cool job. I did event planning and personal assistance for professional athletes. Then I started having this, like, inner knowing that I was here to help people heal. I have no idea what that meant, but I decided to follow that whisper. And that whisper, slowly but surely led me out of corporate America to becoming a holistic health coach and then to becoming a private chef, working with clients, recovering from food, drug, alcohol addiction. That was the first layer of awareness that I was here to do something different that I've never seen anyone do before. This was even before Instagram was cool. I just started posting random food photos and my captions were all hashtags, and everything was in lo fi back 10 years ago. And I really enjoyed what I was doing. I started my own meal delivery service. I was doing food styling, food photos, just really paving this new path and thought, this is it. I'm helping people heal. This is it. And then seven years ago, my best friend passed away. And the day he crossed over, he was my first love. He was someone I've known since I was 16 years old. And the day he crossed over, he began communicating with me. It's a story, of course I've shared with you many times and I've shared many times over. And it's one that I realize is important I continue to share. Because we all have these moments that something just awakens us and we have a choice to choose differently. And I was already going through an awakening without realizing I was going through an awakening. I had found Kundalini yoga. I was working as a chef, you know, all these things. When Jeff passed away, there was no denying that he was talking to me. I could feel him, I could hear him through music. It was very clear. And that path led me to leaving my career as a chef. I moved out to California, ended up becoming a spiritual advisor to a cannabis brand. As I was unlocking my spirituality and finding Reiki is what I found initially, that was the first tool. So I found a sui Reiki, did my levels one and two, moved to California, found Holy Fire Reiki. And when I got exposed to that and ignited into that healing modality, my soul fully awakened. It was like, hello.

I'm here.

Literally seeing like both Jim Carrey, like in the Mask and Robin Williams and Ms. Doubtfire, like, hello, there is no going back to sleep. And that's when, like, things started getting fast. And I became a spiritual advisor to a cannabis brand. I was traveling and cooking with them and doing healing work. They called me Chef Shaman at the time. That was like my little name, Chef Shaman. And I went on this journey to continue to figure out who I was. And they gave me an opportunity. And through that, I ended up, a year and a half later, moving to Miami, finding sound healing and fully growing a business. Like I was basically after I worked in cannabis. Like, my guides were like, we're throwing you out. It's now your time to figure it out. And I ended up growing a six figure business that started all with healing myself. Like, all of the work that I've done, all the courses that I teach, all of the sound healings I sell, like, they were for me first. Everything's been for me first. I believe that what we heal in ourselves, we can then offer to other people. So I continue to this day to show up. Like right now I'm in a nine month training to be a Kundalini yoga instructor. Will I teach that like all the time religiously? No, probably not. I'll probably weave it with other things that I study and learn. In December, I got trained in energy, orgasms and tantric practices and kundalini activation process because I believe there are so many ways that we can awaken and remember our authentic truth. So I'm simply out in the world hunting and gathering for my tools, just as I did in other lifetimes. I'm a hunter and a gatherer. And then I bring it back to the community and serve. And then I leave for a while and get more tools and come back.

Oh, that's so beautiful. I mean, I love it so much. And, and thinking about, you know, just generating capital in different ways. Right? Experience capital, right. Exploratory capital. And as you're generating this quote unquote wealth, you are then abundantly sharing it with people who you serve, you know, and just how powerful is that? And you know, you talked about the awakening. And I think unfortunately, many times our awakenings come from significant loss. You know, not everyone, but you know, some people might say rock bottom moment. For some it could be in their own life. A rock bottom moment for both of us. I mean, my awakening, I would not be awake, quote unquote awake if I hadn't lost my daughter. And something I'm just curious about, truthfully. Like, I don't know that we've talked about this or not, but I play with this kind of guilt sometimes of like, life is so great because of what I learned from the worst thing in the world? And how do I. I know you're a master at this. How do I push out the human experience of guilt and invite in the soul experience of trust and gratitude and love that this is so much bigger than what we can see right now. And this is exactly what was meant to unfold in the way that it unfolded. And so for a lot of people listening, they're navigating grief. And there's this push and pull in a lot of people I've worked with around, can I move forward? Like, if I move forward and I'm happy, am I saying it's okay? Am I, Do I not care? And so how would you speak to somebody in that position?

Yeah, it's so interesting because I've actually, since Jeff's passing, I've had five other really close people that have Passed away a best friend from kindergarten, my grandmother, my great aunt and my dad's best friend. So I've gotten to really navigate grief over these last seven years in ways I've never experienced. And as far as guilt, the one thing I've learned is guilt is a wasted emotion. We don't get extra credit in heaven for it. I used to always say, like, Jewish guilt is such a thing, but like, we can talk to anyone in any family and there's guilt. Like there's Catholic guilt, there's the Italian guilt. Right? There's always guilt. So it's like, first and foremost, let's let go of the guilt. Let's stop putting that kind of pressure on ourselves that we need to feel guilt. Now when it comes to navigating loss, for me, I understand that my experience, like we'll talk about Jeff for a moment. My experience in Jeff's loss is going to be very different than his parents experience, than his sister's experience, than his brother in law's experience. Right. So for me, what I've learned is you have to be in your truth about the experience. And as long as you're in your truth and that's your experience, everyone else can also be in the truth about their experience. So what I've learned over all of these years and doing the work that I do, my truth is that we come into this life choosing the experiences we're going to have so our souls can ascend further in this lifetime. So it was a contract that Jeff and I made when he chose to leave that in our contract, he would help me awaken and remember. So the gratitude that I have for him choosing to transition in the way that he did and in that give me the life that I have is the greatest, most selfless act he could have provided me. I think a lot of people think, like when you and I, I've had to process this a lot, like that people are selfish when they choose to leave whatever. You know, everyone leaves in different ways. Right. And you know, there was a period where I grieved, like, you're so selfish. Like, why would you leave me here to figure all this out? Like, why would you leave me here to figure this out? And it's like, oh, you gave me such a gift. Yeah. To help support me in figuring out this world. So I think we have our moments where we get to, to, to dance with the anger and sadness and grief.

And then for I wouldn't even let that near my body now. So that halts me from being righteous in What I'm currently choosing, as if somebody else should also choose that. Like, hey, this is what I'm currently choosing. You can opt in or not. I don't know if I'm gonna be choosing this in a year. I don't know if I'll be choosing this in a month. But I think anyone listening can look back at, like, what is something that you were maybe righteous and use a different word, but so hell bent on that now you laugh. And when you can look at that, that can translate to a value, to a belief, to a mindset, to how you move your body, to what you eat and consume and really just be like, I might change my mind. And so how can I not? How can I tell anyone else that they should be choosing into this? Right? Because it's not permanent.

Totally. Yeah, totally. And, like, even my human Design, I'm. I'm a 35 martyr heretic. I'm here to test things out and see what sticks. I'm here to throw spaghetti against the wall. Like, messy is sexy is the motto for me. So I'm also in that. Here to teach through my experiences. So I've learned that I don't need to teach while I'm in the experience. I can let it simmer. I can let myself, like, okay, the pot's not boiling over anymore. Now it's just this nice, beautiful simmer. The flavors are getting really good. Let me share from this space as opposed to, like, okay, we're testing it out. We're testing it out. Like, what? What do we want to put in the pot? What we want to take out now. It feels good. The flavors are nice.

Yes. I can share from here, I think, you know, and there's a good amount of, you know, coaches, consultants, mentors who listen to this think it is important to remember that what you are teaching and coaching now will likely evolve and change 1000%. And all you can do is allow people. That is. That's like the theme of this podcast. Allow people to choose into it. But your responsibility is to share, I believe, authentically. Right. And in truth and trust that the rest will unfold, you know?

Yeah, absolutely. I was saying that to a client earlier this week. She was saying she just had a huge hit on social media, and her following grew like 30,000 overnight. From a poster, too. She was like, I feel backed into a corner a little bit. Like, I don't know what to sell now. And my advice to her was, well, what lights you up? What's exciting you right now? Because you don't have to cater to these 30,000 people because you can and because you can optimize. Optimize what feels good inside of you. Correct. And those people will either resonate with it or others will. Correct. So just stay in your truth no matter what the shift is like, as long as you stay true to you, that's all that matters.

Yeah. Gosh, social media is such a mirror for so much, isn't it? And I look back on my own journey and I deleted my first few posts. I was so afraid to put it out there. I was so afraid of judgment. I literally, gratefully, I have a team now. But, like, I don't even know what's going. Going up half the time, right. And I'll like, open it up like, oh, nice job, guys. You know, but what I love about social media is if you leverage it, it teaches you detachment because I will put out content. I write my captions, I will put out content. But some people will. It'll pop off, right. Like you were just saying, your. Your friend. And some people, it'll just completely fall flat. But what a great teacher for me to detach and not take it personally and just. I know what I'm putting out there is me and my voice and authentic and so anyone else sees it, it's how it relates to them. And I think that's so powerful, you know?

Yeah. Yeah.

All right. So in this spiritual space in which.

I'm just going to hold this energy and I'm going to love you unconditionally, no matter the experience you're choosing to have, I think that's so much more productive because it's coming from you.

Yes.

Like when someone goes to a psychic. Right. Like, you can go to a psychic and they can tell you a path, and you can go to a psychic, they can tell you a path, and then you walk out the door and instead of going to the left, where that path may take you, you may take a right. And now that, oh, well, that psychic can do nothing. Oh, you have free will.

Free will. Yeah. And I do think that it's important to understand. And here's a, Here's a very tangible example.

Right.

Teacher and me, like, this is something I come back to when I feel so passionately now. I think it's great to feel passionate about, you know, whatever we're doing in a moment like this is it, like, that's great for sure. But projecting that in other people that that's what they need to do. Right. Is an issue. And so I always come back to this Silly example, but I think it's very tangible. There was a time in my life where I swore I would have sworn on everything. I would have told everyone this was the healthiest thing to have Grape nuts with skim milk and like a friggin pound of splenda on it. Right? Because I was so damn healthy, I wouldn't even let that near my body now. So that halts me from being righteous in what I'm currently choosing. As if somebody else should also choose that. Okay, this is what I'm currently choosing. You can opt in or not. I don't know if I'm choosing this in a year. I don't know if I'll be choosing this in a month. But I think anyone listening can look back at like, what is something that you were maybe righteous, use a different word. But so hell bent on that now you laugh. And when you can look at that, that can translate to a value, to a belief, to a mindset, to how you move your body, to what you eat and consume and really just be like, I might change my mind. And so how can I not? How can I tell anyone else that they should be choosing into this? Right? Because it's not permanent.

Totally. Yeah, totally. And like, even my human design, I'm a 35 martyr heretic. I'm here to test things out and see what sticks. I'm here to throw spaghetti against the wall. Like, messy is sexy is the motto for me. So I'm also in that, here to teach through my experiences. So I've learned that I don't need to teach while I'm in the experience. I can let it simmer. I can let myself, like, okay, the pot's not boiling over anymore. No, it's just this nice, beautiful simmer. The flavors are getting really good. Let me share from this space as opposed to, like, okay, we're testing it out, we're testing it out. Like, what? What do we want to put in the pot? What we want to take out now. It feels good. The flavors are nice.

Yes. I can share from here, I think, you know, and there's a good amount of, you know, coaches, consultants, mentors who listen to this. And I think it is important to remember that what you are teaching and coaching now will likely evolve and change 1000%. And all you can do is allow people, as that's like the theme of this podcast, allow people to choose into it. But your responsibility is to share, I believe, authentically. Right. And in truth and trust that the rest will unfold, you know?

Yeah, absolutely. I was saying that to a client earlier this week. She was saying she just had a huge hit on social media and her following grew like 30,000 overnight from a post or two. She was like, I feel backed into a corner a little bit. Like, I don't know what to sell now. And my advice to her was, well, what lights you up? What's exciting you right now? Yeah. Because you don't have to cater to these 30,000 people because you can and because you can optimize. Optimize what feels good inside of you. Correct. And those people will either resonate with it or others will. Correct. So just stay in your truth, no matter what the shift is like. As long as you stay true to you, that's all that matters.

Yeah. Gosh, social media is such a mirror for so much, isn't it? And I look back on my own journey and I. I deleted my first few posts. I was so afraid to put it out there. I was so afraid of judgment. I literally, gratefully, I have a team now, but, like, I don't even know what's going up half the time, right. And I'll, like, open it up, like, oh, nice job, guys.

You know?

But what I love about social media is if you leverage it, it teaches you detachment. Because I will put out content. I write my captions, I will put out content. But some people will. It'll pop off, right? Like you were just saying, you're. You're a friend. And some people, it'll just completely fall flat. But what a great teacher for me to detach and not take it personally and just. I know what I'm putting out there is me, my voice and authentic. And so anyone else sees it, it's how it relates to them. And I think that's so powerful, you know?

Yeah. Yeah.

All right. So in this spiritual space in which we are all cruising, there's a lot of. There's a lot of, I think, misunderstandings, and there's a lot of toxic positivity. I think there's a lot of hidden righteousness and a lot of hidden ego. Can you speak into some of. Or how you even navigated the darkness that can actually be within this space of light?

You know, even as you're saying that, and I think about my journey and where I'm at currently right now in terms of my own personal practices, I think that's the biggest anchor in everything, is how are we showing up for ourselves? Because the truth of the matter is, like, we all have dark and light within us. And if you're not willing to honor that within yourself. You're projecting it often outwardly. And you know, if you, if you spot something, it's because you have it. Like, if you spot it, you've got it.

Yeah.

So I think there were times where I was spotting things and it was simply I wasn't ready to see them in myself. And as I write, like, done more work to heal my ego. Because the thing is, like, we want an ego.

Sure.

Like we were born with ego because we're meant to have ego. There's a healthy ego, which is a vehicle for this third dimensional world, and there's the unhealthy ego. So I think understanding that first and foremost, like, that we can be healthy or we can be unhealthy in our ego is such an important understanding for us to have. And for me, it's been like focusing on, if I feel myself wanting to be in a judgmental place, come back to yourself. Like, what are you really judging? What are you really looking at? Because, yeah, there is going to be shadowy character in the healing world, in the coaching world, in any world. Right. Like VPs of companies, athletes, like everywhere. Yep. So I think it always comes back to, like, who are you and how are you showing up for yourself? And as we can transmute that duality in us, then we hold that frequency to transmute it for others. So, like right now, for me, over the last two years, my biggest work has been fully opening up my heart. And not just like, oh, I'm opening up my heart space. Like, more love. And I'm someone that signs every journal entry to myself. I am love. I am like I am Lauren. I've been doing it for 10 years. It channeled through, it's never stopped. So I continue to do it right. So it's not a level of toxic. I am loving light. Like, that is simply who I am. So every day I'm reminded more and more like, I am love, I am light. How do I connect further to this? So for me, as I've been opening up my heart space more and more, it hasn't only been from the flower front, it's also been from the back. Where have I been stabbed in the back? Where have I stabbed other people in the back? Where have I been hurt? Where have I been unwilling to see things right? What are the things that were happening behind me that I didn't want in front of me? And I've been working to open that space up, whether it be through body work, through Kundalini, yoga, through breath work. Like everything I've been doing to show up for it. And in doing that, what I've come to is a long time ago, I lived in a very, like, structured, rigid, corporate environment. And then I went all the way to the flip side of, like, I am flowy, I am airy. I am free. I want to hear me roar. Right. Both of those were actually toxic. Yes. Like, I went from toxic masculinity to toxic femininity. And then what needed to happen was I needed to come to oneness. So first, oneness looks like, okay, I've gone from black and white to gray. And this gray scale, I think, is actually, like, just as toxic in a lot of ways. It's like, okay, well, now I've accepted both parts of me. I am. I am love. I am light. Right. Beautiful. And that's not where it ends. So that's where I've been in the place where it doesn't end. And what that brought me to was a spectrum of color. It brought me actually into the rainbow. So I think that's, like, that next level and the level I've been entering into over the last really, like, 90 days in my kundalini practice and through my kundalini practice has been turning that rainbow of colors and alchemizing it into gold. So for me, it comes back to me. It comes back to, like, let me not focus on, like, what everyone else is doing and how they're doing it. What am I doing? How am I showing up for myself? Like, when I see myself not vibrating at my highest or doing something that's not at my highest, instead of, like, pointing the finger while they're doing it, too, it's like, that's cool. Come back to yourself. Because no one else is stopping me from being in my authentic truth. And I think, you know, I talked a little bit about a date I went on this last weekend and how I was able to see in the date that he was choosing old patterns that I had in my own life. And in that, I decided this no longer serves me. I can spend time with him, I can hang out with him, and I can be in that energy. Or I can simply say, this doesn't align with me. Yeah. And I think that's, like, where I see it, like, for all areas of life. It's like, I can look at you and tell you you're wrong, or I can look at you and be like, you're doing a great fucking job. Like, this is where you're at. So let me meet you where you're at. Doesn't mean I need to hang out with you. It doesn't mean I need you to be my coach. Doesn't mean I need you to be my friend, my teacher, my boyfriend, my whatever. I can accept you for who you are. I'm gonna come back to me.

This is how we just go into vortexes and portals. But I was envisioning. I had this vision as you were speaking because we also talked about, like, my own patterns in which I've continued to attract in. And we're going to. Everyone listening, you're going to attract in the patterns until you learn it. But I was envisioning this spectrum of as you were speaking into that, of this, like, line graph. If you're listening, you can't see me moving my hands, but moving my hands. And it's like, where you're just repeating the pattern and you have absolutely no conscious awareness of it. And you're almost in a victim state. Why does this keep happening to me? Why does this keep happening to me? Why does it keep happening to me? Then we progress into an awareness state. We're aware of it, but, like, we still choose into it, and we're aware of what we're doing. Right. And then the progression becomes the in on a 1 to 10. The amount of time that it takes to identify the pattern, experience the pattern, and choose out of the pattern shortens.

Yeah.

So we shorten the time. And then as you and I were talking about this weekend was we choose differently. And I think when you get to that space where you choose differently, maybe it's one time, two times, three times, but I think eventually the pattern stops appearing.

Yeah.

And that's how I envision this line chart.

Just.

I had that from when you were speaking, so thank you. I wanted to share that.

Yeah. And it's true. I actually, I put an Instagram post up about this this morning because it will get easier and you will see it maybe one or two or three times or however many you need to reprogram your mind. Because essentially we're making choices based on the unconscious programming we have from our childhood. So now we need to make the choice to consciously choose differently. And if we programmed I am unworthy a million times, we're now going to have to reprogram I am worthy a million and one times. So now it's official. I am worthy. Period. End of story. We don't have to test this anymore, right?

Exactly. And that's the mastery, you know, is the mastery. It's so powerful. And I think, you know, I Want to transition a little bit into what you're speaking about. Toxic femininity. Right. There's two women here who have probably both been in. Both toxic masculine. Toxic feminine. I want to talk about that just for a few moments. But if anyone is navigating on this spectrum, this line, chart of patterns, what was a game changer for me was to stop bringing shame and judgment.

Yes.

Because you actually can't break through in shame and judgment. And that. That. That kept me stuck for years. Shame and judgment. Hiding it, denying it because of the shame and judgment. Whereas when you can just be like, I'm doing that thing I do again. Right. Why the am I doing this again? Right. Why do I keep calling this and why am I choosing this? Like, okay, this isn't the best choice, and I. I'm doing it right. I just want to invite anyone into, like, you're not perfect.

Yeah. And we love you.

Yeah.

I, like, love you more because you're willing to, like, see your shit.

Yeah.

And then, like, look at it for a while and dance with it. Like, what a gift.

What a gift. Right. In this, like, human experience. I just got so excited about that, I whacked my head on this wall here. But what would you identify as? Some. Maybe yellow flags, red flags around toxic femininity. And again, we could speak into toxic masculine. A lot of people are very well aw of that, but I think it's two women who are spiritual. And I think a lot of the toxic feminine can hide under a spirituality, you know, banner. Let's say, how could somebody maybe identify is. Is that an embodied feminine or is that a toxic feminine?

You know, I. I think, like, the interesting thing about, like, the feminine is she hides, and she is conniving, deceitful, and, like, the siren energy, Right. Like, she can pull you in. She's very seductive. Like, that was my, like, toxic feminine traits. Like, I was very seductive in my energy, and I didn't know that. I was sure toxic with my energy. And I read this great book last year, actually, was called from maiden to Mother. And as I started reading that book, there was another book. I'm not gonna remember the name of it. Similar vibes. What I started to realize was, like, I was really unhealthy, and I was very wounded. So the things I was doing, I was actually acting from wounded feminine energy. So it's. It's. It is toxic and it's wounded. So it's not so much for me about, like, the love and light. It's about, why am I. Why am I calling in these, like, specific patterns over and over and over again. And because they were. Because I have this unhealed feminine energy, which for me was that I led a lot of my life from a place that was more like sexual and siren and that energy. So for me, that was like my toxic feminine energy, which quite honestly is a lot of, like, toxic masculine energy too. And, like, I'll own it. Like, I was a toxic woman doing toxic things simply because I didn't know better. Yeah. Because that's where my. That's where my wounding was.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I love how you said, I'll own it. Like, we just gotta own it. We just gotta own it. Like, I know for me, when I look back, my. When I was in a. Unhealthy feminine. Toxic feminine, however we want to label it, it was very much a save me.

Yeah.

I associated. I could get love and attention or I was worthy of love and attention if I was in distress. So I created situations subconsciously of distress time and time again to try and get my needs met that weren't being met and that I wasn't confident or valuing myself enough to ask for. But if I don't have a car, if I don't have money, if I'm sick, this knight in shining armor will come in and save me. Yeah, that was mine. That was. That was a big one.

That is a big one. And it's so great to have the realization because like you said, it's unconscious. We don't even realize we're doing it. Like, for me, I was looking for love outside of myself because I simply didn't know how to love myself because I was extremely numb from years on pharmaceutical drugs that were prescribed to me. So I became numb to my feelings and emotions. So was constantly trying to get feelings and emotions out of other people to trigger my own emotions, which is extremely toxic. Yeah.

Yeah.

But that's what I do, you know? And then I would end up in really unhealthy relationships. Yeah.

I think, gosh, we could do a whole other episode on. On the feminine and understanding it. It's something we're both still. I think, you know, it's always an evolving. There'll never be a finish line. Right. Like, they'll never be a finish line. And. And one more point to that. Like, for me, another one. Just because I think it's helpful for a listener to maybe, you know, if you hear it, spot it, you got it. Right. You can. You can begin to heal it. Yeah, right. If you hear it, maybe you can Heal it.

Right?

Mine was very much the nurturer in me, which is. And to your point, before, there's dark and light to everything. So my light is I'm such a nurturer, right. I really have a very strong maternal energy. And that was coming out in a negative way of I was putting myself out at such a cost to take care of other people and put their needs first. Very much people pleasing, very much martyr. But I would almost have this unspoken expectation of, like, well, I just did all this for you. Why aren't you taking care? Why aren't you doing this for me? So I was, like, creating this victim martyr from leveraging my nurturer in an unhealthy way. And so it's looking at, how can you take whatever isn't working for you and actually leverage it in a way that can become a superpower? Because it can. Because my nurturer is a superpower. Right. As long as I harness it correctly. And so how did you take some of these things you went through and turn them into superpowers that serve now? Because I know you did.

Well, first of all, like, by a show of hands in the audience, we can't see, like, raise your hand if you can relate to that. One, two, hands up for being over nurture. I mean, I'm a cancer who used to be a chef, so I've always loved to cook for my partners. And. And I've given so much of. And in turn, like, been left so empty. So what I've actually done is I've come back to myself, right? Like, why am I giving so much this partner? I was briefly dating someone during the pandemic, and he came to stay with me, and I was building out my business. I was building out my glow up your chakras program. Like, it was my initial, like, regular, like, coaching program. And I was like, okay, I'm ready to turn it into an online program. So I was, like, building something very big that I'd never done before. And then he came to stay with me, and at the same time, he was building his business. And I found myself not only building my business, but helping him create graphics and build his, while also cooking breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Oh, my goodness.

And the beautiful thing. The beautiful thing was that prior to him coming to stay with me, I had this really clear awareness that he was not the man for me. And I did my best to. To let him know and to end it. And I allowed myself to be gaslit. I allowed him to say to me, well, you haven't been in a relationship for a while. I think you're scared. I let my friends chime in. He seems like a great guy, even though I knew this isn't correct for me. And I let him come. And like I said, I built my business, his business, and put food on the table multiple times a day. And then when he left, left after two weeks staying with me, he let me know that he didn't feel like it was right after I had given him so much. And I already knew it wasn't right, right. Yet I was left in this moment of like, who are you like to tell me that this isn't right? When A, I already knew that and B, I just gave you so much. And that was an opportunity actually for me where I was like, I'm not dating for a while. I'm going to start dating myself. I'm going to start cooking for myself. Because I notice I cook more for people when I'm in relationship because like, it's just I find the joy in providing and taking care of others. So I started cooking more for myself. I started writing my healing cookbook, I started bringing cooking back into work with aligned clients and opportunities, cooking other treats, cooking for one on one intensives. Because I realized I wasn't nurturing myself fully by fully owning all of my gifts. Because I think it's so easy. Like we as women are so multifaceted.

Yes, we are.

And we sometimes feel like, well, I can only do this one thing right. And that's why I love how that you introduced me as an artist too. Because I am an artist and I have a lot to offer the world in many different ways. And when I, when I'm in my toxicity, I feel it's like, nope, it's this way, it's specific, it's in this box, when it's not actually that way. So through that relationship, I actually, what I learned was how to really take care of myself. And it was a very backwards way of learning how to take care of myself because I, I fully depleted myself. I fully depleted all of my feminine energy. I gave away all of my creative energy. Like I drained out my sacral chakra to this man, both sexually and in business and in cooking. I gave all of my, my power away. And then I took the time to be like, okay, yeah, now that you've drained it all, like, how do I, let's take it all back.

So many, so many things here. And you know, I want to highlight some themes and you talked about your offerings. I want to let people Know how they can work with you before we kind of close this one loop, I know we'll open another one. I'm like, are we gonna record another one while I'm here? We could take each of these things and go into an entire episode. But you know, one one, I love tangibles. I love it. But one thing I look back, when I look at that version of me that was over giving and overextending, I look at the version of me that was, was in debt, had like no money, but wanted to please a male at a cookout who love lobster macaroni and cheese. So I went to a special place that had lobster and spent way too much money on lobster. And you know, I wouldn't just go to the regular grocery store lobster. I had to go to the like, seafood market and like spent hours pinteresting a lobster macaroni and cheese recipe. Okay. Like, went to two different stores, researched. So now we're talking like five, six hours into a lobster macaroni and cheese. And it was $92. And I look at that version of me and I just feel so sad. But now it's like, if I'm going to a cookout, like, your girl's got a lot going on right now. I'm really busy creating the life of my dreams and my vision. Like, we're getting some. We're gonna pick up or get delivery or outsource that.

Right.

And so I just think again, Lauren and I are really speaking into Own it. Laugh at yourself, but learn from yourself.

Amen.

Because we can't just laugh at ourselves. We're not learning. We can laugh because we know that we always just learn.

Yeah, right.

And as we learn, it is just a beautiful evolution of our souls. And as you always speak into the collective. Right, Evolution or an ascension of our souls. So speaking of learning and evolving, how can people, you know, work with you, access your magic and where can they find you?

I. I have to just share with you real quick. Before I moved from New York to la, I had been dating someone for a while and he never ate my food. We were just hanging out. Sure, Dating. We're hanging out. And one of our last hangouts, I was like, I want to make you dinner. I made Mac and cheese. So interesting. Is cheese is something. I don't remember like what. What the actual word is within cheese, but it feeds your heart. Like it's one of the foods hormones that it activates is something within the heart similar to chocolate as well. So when I know what I'm Craving cheese, I'm like, okay, what does my heart actually need? And listen, I eat cheese all the time. We can still have cheese. Paying attention to the body.

I'm shook right now because anyone who knows me knows that after Laden died I would count down like I couldn't eat and I would count down and I would cut up cheese and I'm gluten free. Chance of bread here and there, but you know charcuterie. But I would have tostito chips on a plate with sliced cheese and literally sit in Layden's rocker. And that when I look back at my grief is like what I remember. That's the only thing I could eat. And I have never heard that. And it's been 10 years, so. So guys, if anyone is questioning Lauren's magic, there you go. So Lauren, where can people find you.

So you can find me online? My website is Lauren Courtney heels. I'm on Instagram. I am Lauren Courtney. I'm slowly adding to my TikTok. Yes, you are just like having fun playing over there. I am Lauren Courtney as well. There are all sorts of ways to work with me. Not that many actually. I have one mastermind called the Weekly Glow up where we meet once a week. And I'm also available for one on one aligned clients. You can fill out the form and apply to work with me. And I've got tons of courses online that are sound healing and journal prompt based. So you can become your own guru because that's what it's about. Like I'm not here to be put on a pedestal by anyone. I'm here to live like on my own pedestal. Sometimes my heels are a little higher than other days. I choose my pedestal height for myself. Because we're all here to be our own gurus. We're all here to awaken ourselves up. Like, you know, Jesus reminds us, right? This Jewish girl that found holy fire, Reiki and Jesus. Jesus reminds us like we're our own greatest healers and we have just as strong abilities to heal ourselves as Jesus did. And we need to know that and we need to be aware of that. We need to recognize that because no one's coming to save you. You gotta save yourself.

Mic drop on that. We can't drop these, but I could. We would. You guys, thank you for tuning in. Thank you for being here. Lauren, thank you for sharing your friendship, your love, your magic, your wisdom. And you guys, check out her work. Go be your own guru, your own teacher, your own student. And don't forget, it gets to be fun. Laugh at yourself and don't take it too seriously. We'll see you soon. Thank you so much for tuning in and sharing the space of scar tissue with me. I hope you found value in this episode. That is truly my commitment and goal to bring what I believe will serve you in your life no matter what you're navigating. Again, this show is inspired from the loss of my daughter Layden and through my grief journey. Really understanding empathy, understanding empowerment, understanding how to be the creators of our lives in whole new way that is stronger than circumstance, that focuses on progress not perfection, that loves the process, loves the process and lets go of attachment to outcome. So whatever resonated the most with you, allow that to serve you and you elevating to your next level. And if you love this show, please share it, please pass it along, spread this work and would mean so much if you took a moment to even rate and review it on Spotify or Apple Podcasts. Appreciate being here with you all and it is an honor to witness your journeys and your greatness.