The 4-Step Method To Break Habits Keeping You Stuck

Foreign welcome to a brief training on the four step method. My name is Melissa Dugalecki and I have been in the teaching and coaching space for, oh my goodness, almost two decades now. And it is something I love. Now if you are here, it is because you are looking to, to break a habit, break a pattern and do so in a way that is sustainable, it's effective for long term change. I'm going to break this down. It is the four step method that I created. Now I created this first for myself when I was seeking to change behaviors and I'll share a little bit about that. And then I coached it with clients. Now previously I was a mindset transformation coach, which I still do some work in that space, but primarily I work with entrepreneurs and building their business. However, in order to build our business, so much of it is mindset. So it is the two together. And I use this four step method in my life still daily to this point. Over 1400 humans have been taught and implemented this method in some way and it works, it is effective. Now what doesn't work and what is so commonly out there is have more discipline, have more commitment, try harder. So I'm here to tell you right now, as somebody who has studied psychology, who has studied education, who has been in the space for almost two decades and worked with well over a thousand individuals, that it is not a desire issue, a discipline issue or commitment issue. It is a matter of understanding what is happening at a deeper level so that through compassion, curiosity and acceptance. Acceptance, we can create change. Now the second thing I'm going to tell you is what I say to all my clients. This is very much like when you first learn to drive a car. It's going to feel labor intensive at first. You're going to be like looking at the sheet, the worksheet and you're going to be thinking, okay, step one, step two, step three, step four, where am I at? But much like driving, over time you get in the car becomes so automated, sometimes you don't even know how you got where you're going. Okay, just me. So trust that this takes practice. Second thing I want to tell you is that it will take time in order to get sustainable change. It takes repetition and it takes retraining and rewiring, which this is the process to do that. I had a client who picked this up in just a couple of months and made massive changes. I had one who, it took about a year and she was like, wow, it clicked and it works. So don't compare your timeline to anyone else's but first celebrate you for being here and choosing, choosing change. Because you know what? A majority of the people don't choose change. A majority of the people go through life on autopilot making decisions from wounds, trauma, self conscious. Not that we're making them wrong, but I'm celebrating your choice to not do that because this is a harder path. The work works and it's work. So before we get in, let me just give you a real brief overview of who I am so you know who who you are listening to. As I said, my name is Melissa Duglucky. I spent a number of years in both the high school education and teaching space. I studied psychology, sociology, got my Master's in Social Emotional Learning and language based learning. And after the loss of my daughter Layden, who passed at the age of four months, I really looked at like what am I doing with my life? So much was an autopilot and things that I was supposed to care about I just didn't care about anymore. I did not care about things that my job required me to care about. And so I had to look at what I really wanted and always committed to teaching and coaching and empowering others. I wanted to step more into that space. So I began coaching and teaching in the space of through Yoga, Holistic Health and Mindset. I studied Neuro Linguistic Programming as well as mindset coaching. After some time in that space, as my business really grew, more and more people came to me and asked me to help them with their business. And so for the past, oh goodness, I don't know, seven years I have been full time in the coaching space, coaching, running my business from anywhere in the world. And currently I am in Mexico, but I like to hop around a bit. Now the four step method came about actually in my grief journey and I'll share some stories of that. But what I was looking at is why, you know, I'm a high achieving person, I go to therapy, I've got, I've got a counselor, I work hard. Why am I still repeating these habits and patterns? And I started to feel a lot of shame and I started to feel a lot of self beat up in comparison. And I would see other people online and wonder how are they doing it? What was wrong with me? And so I studied deeper and deeper and deeper. One of the practices I studied is called Ayurveda. Now if you aren't familiar with Ayurveda, I highly recommend checking it out. But I will give you the Cliffs Notes version for now. So Ayurveda is this Ancient, this ancient energetic practice that can be used in medicine and can be used in anything. And it's this belief that we have three doshas, three energies. And for any momentum in life, we have to move through 1, 2 and 3. Now, the first of that is vata. Vata is thought. The second of that is pitta. Pitta is action. Vata is also represented by air and pitta is also represented by fire. Now the third energy, the third dosha is one that I often skipped, to be honest, which is earth kapha, grounding. So it's that reflection, grounding energy. And in order to grow and make progress, it is cyclical. Now, I say that, oh, gosh, I don't have visuals here, but I say that growth is not aligned. It's like a swirly straw. You know those swirly straws. I'm finding paper. You know those swirly straws. I don't know. When you're a kid, maybe when you're an adult, and it like swirls to the top kind of like this. This is what I believe growth is. We go up, we're going to hit a new challenge, a new edge. We're going to get knocked down a little bit, but we're going to go back up and we're going to find a new high, a new challenge, a new edge. But here's the thing. Our new getting knocked down was the ceiling there. It was the top of that swirly straw. So think of this as every time we're doing it, we are just going higher and higher on our swirly shot. Now, I envision it like this for our souls energetically, and how we are constantly rising and ascending to a higher level when we choose to do the work. And this is why I want to continue to honor and celebrate you. Because not everybody does the work. And the humans that I have worked with in both mindset, personal lives, relationships, entrepreneurships, it is truly beautiful and sacred work to see people looking at how can I live my life in a way that I love it, that I feel good? And why I became so passionate about this is because truthfully, after my daughter passed, I didn't want to live. In fact, I felt guilty. When I was happy, I couldn't listen to music. When I laughed the first time, I felt guilt and I thought, how am I ever going to make it through this life? Like, why am I even here? As I committed to doing the work, it wasn't immediate, but it was one day at a time. So it is a passion of mine. This L right here, that's my daughter's initial laden. It is a passion of mine to be a conduit, to show other people what is possible for them. I use a variety of tools and modalities. I use a lot of different things, but one at a time. And as I've spoken to many of you about nervous system regulation, this is one tool that we can use to support our nervous system in feeling regulated in the sense that this is going to work in the mind, but your mind, it's all connected. So this mindset tool will help you identify when your nervous system becomes dysregulated and something pops up and that fight or flight is going off. This tool will help you identify where that fight or flight is coming from. Where is your perceived danger? Because something to learn and understand about the nervous system is that it is innately designed to protect us so we can love it. Don't love, don't hate on rather your nervous system if there are dysregulated moments, weeks, months, years, because it's doing its job in the way that it knows how to, which is to protect you. But we've got to do the tools to let the nervous system know what is real danger and what is perceived danger. As I like to say, our nervous system is taught to identify a tiger to keep us from being killed. Right? This goes way, way, way, way, way back. But what's happening now is we are mistaking paper tigers for real tigers. We are perceiving an email with a tone of voice on it. We are perceiving social media, a breakup, rejection, judgment. We are perceiving all of that as intense danger. Every behavior is meeting a need. So what this method and I'm going to pull up it now and you're going to have the download. If you're watching this, what this method does is helps you understand what is the need that I'm subconsciously trying to meet. And I would write that one down. If you don't have a pen and paper out or taking notes in your computer or phone, whatever it is, I would pause this right now and go get it. Because the question I want you to ask yourself is what it is is the need I am trying to meet right now. So with this four step method, we are looking at moving from an emotional reaction to an intentional action. Now I'm going to share this here. Let's see. There we go. Okay, so your emotional reaction could be something such as your response to a text message. You got an email, a comment on social media, something somebody else posted. I'm just using some common ones. Something that someone in your family said partner said. Typically if we're looking at emotional reactions can be something connected to our emotions which tends to be around relationships and our sense of love and belonging to. So the first step that we are going to use is awareness. Now I'm going to show you this. Get into it and pull this back up. Now I want you to look at this awareness. Here is the vata energy. It is your thought energy release and replace. Step 2 and 3 are your pit to energy. Now I'm not just going to show you the four step method. I'm going to give you some tools to do it. That is the most important part. Right. We can like all this in theory, but what do we actually do when hits the fan and then the last thing is sustain. How do I carry this forward? That's going to be the reflection, the kapha energy. Hear me in this and I'd write this one down too. We cannot suddenly use a new tool that we haven't sourced, that we haven't become comfortable with, that we haven't practiced. So if you've never meditated when things get tough, meditation is not going to be helpful for you. It is not a toolbox that your nervous system is going to know. So part of what we need to do here is build our toolbox which is going to be step three. And when we get to step three, I'm going to give you a variety of tools from which could support you and you can add your own. Of course there's no limits to that. Step one awareness. Now here's an example I use all the time when I'm teaching this method because it's about food and food's pretty non emotional while it is emotional but it's pretty universal and it doesn't feel personal. Now after my daughter laid and died, we had spent 99 nights in Boston Children's Hospital. At Boston Children's Hospital there was one restaurant other than like the nearby hotel lobby restaurant, one restaurant. And it was right across from the hospital. By the time my daughter would be put down. Medical rounds were done, all of that. The cafeteria at the hospital was closed. So many of these 99 nights I would go to the restaurant right downstairs, like right at, right at the bottom of the hospital at the parking garage area and I would eat. Now if you're not familiar with Bertucci's, this is a Bertucci's restaurant, an Italian restaurant and they are famous for their Bertrucci's rolls. They bring them out, they Bring them out for free in the beginning while you're waiting for your food. And they put the oil and they're toasted and they do salt and pepper and all of that. Really delicious. Not so great when you're gluten free. But I'll tell you, when my daughter was sick and things weren't going well, I didn't really care that I was gluten free. That was the least of my worries. I was eating those rolls. Now fast forward to after she passed away and I found myself craving and it's sad to share, but this is my truth and I'm very honest and very open because I believe it helps others and not feeling shame. I found like the Mother's Day after she passed, I had such an urge to go have Bertucci's roles. Now I'm gluten free. I took an Uber by myself all the way, like a half hour drive to that particular Bertucci's to sit there and have rolls. Now what I'm sharing is one example of what we do when something is coming off and we are trying to meet a need. Now what I was feeling was resistance to the pain. And so step one is bringing awareness. What is popping up? What old stories, what messages? What is this related to? And how does this serve me? That is one of the biggest questions to ask. It is on your worksheet. How does this serve me? Now, how it's going to serve you is going to be really important because I do not believe in right or wrong. It's not wrong to go eat Bertucci's role. Some of you might be listening like, oh, go do it. But when I look at how does this serve me? While I'm avoiding my pain, I'm going to have a stomach ache. I'm numbing my grief, I'm spending time and I'm spending money like, okay, I get it, maybe one time. But this actually became a pattern for me. This became a pattern when I was feeling pain. I wanted to get an Uber and go to Bertucci's and have roles. This is a relatively light example. But other things, I have worked with clients who have gone through this and this could be something around. I had a client who was navigating, feeling triggered with feeling triggered with her family and she would go to family events and she would manage her trigger by drinking alcohol. I've worked with a client who would have a trigger pop up and feel dysregulated and manage it by shopping. What are the costs and the prices that we're paying for not doing this work, right? So again, honoring you for being here to do it. I had a client who would become very reactionary to a text message or an email or any type of communication where she felt that she was being judged and her reactions would create massive damage. So now she's got to do all this damage control because she was literally just pouring out pain. I had a client who just couldn't sit still, would overwork, over, busy, over. Go, go, go, go, go. I had one who wouldn't take a rest day from going to the gym because her nervous system was perceiving danger, because her mind was creating story that if I don't work out, I'm gonna gain weight. If I gain weight, I won't be worthy of love. So how is this serving me? So number one, step one is awareness. You get to take some time here, journal, sit, reflect what is coming up. And then where does this come from? Where does this come from? Now I had, I've, I've gone through things where I would be in a dysregulated nervous system. For me, a big one was over busy and over going, go, go, go, go, go. I have to prove to prove, prove, prove a joke about how there was a time in my life where I literally made a 99. I was broke, I was a hundred thousand dollars in debt. If you don't know that about my story, I was a hundred thousand dollars in debt just six years ago. Doing this work helps me build not only a six figure business, but a seven figure business and serve so many people. Doing the work is selfless. Now I would spend money to try and please others, right? I broke. Could have just brought brownies or a bag of chips, but I went to two different grocery stores to get like fresh cut lobster and all the other ingredients and made a homemade macaroni and cheese. Lobster. Macaroni and cheese from Boston. So New England lobster is a thing. And I made this homemade macaroni and cheese because my nervous system was telling me if I didn't bring something, well, my nervous system was firing off. My mind was telling me from that response, if I didn't bring something that had people say, wow, I was less worthy, I was less lovable, I wouldn't be accepted. Where did this come from? I had to get curious. Yes, macaroni and cheese could lead me to become curious. Where this came from was this thing. Things I experienced in my childhood. Whether it's family, whether it's mentors, aunts, uncles, coaches, teachers, it doesn't matter. Okay? It doesn't matter. We're not looking to blame. It's a very important part of step one. We are not pointing fingers and blaming. We are shifting from blame to ownership and responsibility. Okay, maybe this happened to me, but now I am responsible for it. Maybe someone put place this on me. I am the only one responsible for navigating it. That was a hard lesson I learned through my grief. When I was paying for grief counseling, broke, broke in wondering, why do I have to pay for this now? And then I thought, who else is going to? This is my work to do. So when we bring awareness, we want to get clear on where it came from. Not from a place of blame or victim, but from a place of understanding, compassion, acceptance, and responsibility. Now, I had a number in a series of things where I felt like, now these were my stories, not saying this was the truth for anyone. But growing up, I felt like if I did something wrong, I could mess it up and I would therefore ruin it and be unworthy of. So when I became really clear on this, all of a sudden it's like, no, Melissa, you don't. You don't have to bring a 99 macaroni and cheese dish. You don't. You're not gonna mess it up. So as we begin, I'm moving you into step two. Step two is release. What can I let go of? And I'm going to share this again. What can I let go of to create change? Pride. Being right. Right. Fear. For me, it was fear, ego, old stories. It was old stories. And of course, it's all ego. This is all ego work. Where can I choose to release things that keep me stuck? So in my grief, where could I let go of numbing through rolls, Bertucci's rolls, a deep pain through my proving in my lobster macaroni and cheese dish, where could I let go of an old story or fear for some of my clients? Where could I. Where could they let go of stuffing something down to avoid? Where could they let go of a worthiness conversation that they had to do More, more, more, more, more, more, more to be worthy? Where could they let go of people pleasing? Where could they let go of what wasn't serving them? Which comes back to question one. So, number one, you spend some time building awareness and where it came from? 2, you choose to release. You literally can state that you are releasing this. You are choosing something different now, rather than saying, I will not do this. We are still. If I say to you right now, don't think about an elephant, how many of you just thought about an elephant. The law of attraction in the universe, the whole other training that I have doesn't know negatives. It doesn't know negatives. So when we are placing energy on do not think about the elephant. We're placing the energy on the elephant. So when you want to change behavior, which is going to bring us into three, we want to not only let something go, but we want to focus on what we want, not what we don't want. That's a very common mistake. I see. The more you're. I'm not going to do this. I'm not going to do this. I'm not going to do this. What are you placing all of your energy on what you're not going to do. So then, of course, it's more in your thoughts, and your thoughts drive your actions. So of course you're going to be more vulnerable to doing that. Of course. Now, in step three, we need to look at replacing. So step two and three are both part of pitta. One, we release, we let it go. And two, we replace. Now, energy cannot be created or destroyed, but it can be transformed. Now, the reality is you had a need, need surfacing. You have some need surfacing. And so we want to look at how can we meet that need in a different way. And this is where I talk about toolbox and I talk about shifting from binkies. Pacifiers is what I call them to power tools. Because what we let go of were our binkies. Those were our pacifiers. Those were our. I need soothing my inner child, my inner baby, my inner infant is hurting. I need a pacifier to suit this and the power tools. Like, I'm gonna create something awesome. So step three, we are looking at what else can we create. Now, I have another download that I will include in this. It is called the Bible. And the Bible is basically understanding there's no good or bad emotional experiences or energetic vibrations. But there are high and low frequency ones. You can look that up. It's polar training. I do as well a lot of work with Dr. Dr. Joe Dispenza, who has literally studied the vibrational frequency of different emotions. Now, victim and lust are very slow. Joy is high vibration. I do not believe in good vibes. Only that to me implies toxic positivity. I'm going to feel pain. Don't tell me not to. But can I not act from it? That's the difference. So when we are replacing, what can I choose instead of what new habit or narrative will I choose? Now, I have a number of trainings On a toolbox, one is called teammates. And it is understanding that not everyone on your team is a good listener, in your friend circle, in your family, but someone is not. Everyone's a good action taker, but someone is not everyone is a good distractor, but someone is. And so I break down four different types of teammates where you can begin to look around and be like, who can meet what need to support me right now? Because many times frustration comes from expecting somebody to meet a need that they can't meet. Like if somebody wanted me to dunk a basketball, I can't do it. I, I can't meet you there, I can't do it. Maybe someday I could, but I haven't developed that skill yet. So if someone keeps coming to me to dunk a basketball and I can't do that, well, they're going to be frustrated. I'm going to be frustrated. So this concept of teammates is a real big part of step three. Feel free to message me, email me whatever it is, if that's something you're interested in. Getting the training on. Another one is having plans A, B, C, D. This is another tool that I break down now for the sake of time and not information overload. My education background does only to give a little bit at a time. So I'm introducing you to these. Write them down. We got teammates, we got plans, A, B, C and D. When I could anticipate that my nervous system was going to be dysregulated from an event or a trigger or holiday or running into somebody, I could put plans ABCD or responses ABCD into place and empower myself to practice them and put pull which one I needed. Okay. Other tools that you can use is what else could be true? It's a phrase that I use with a lot of my clients. What else could be true? So I'm getting this text or this email, right? And it's firing off my nervous system because I've created stories around it. And so what I have coached thousands to use is what else could be true? And I tell them, come up with five things that could be true. Five things. I don't care how crazy it is. For example, I had a client who said, I didn't get a text back. I'm like, oh, what's the crazy thing that could have happened? I don't know that maybe they got on a plane and went to Bali. Maybe some of their family is really sick. Maybe the story you're telling yourself is true. Maybe, but maybe not. What we're doing is we're building flexible thinking and agility, and we're choosing not to react on assumptions. Four Agreements is a great book. If you hadn't read it, one of them is don't make any assumptions. So we are training our brain and our nervous system. So we're training our brain to not create stories or to have flexible thinking of what else could be true. And from that space, we're training our nervous system to soften and not react, not go to the subconscious ways of looking for reassurance and texting all the time, or emailing or calling friends to get reassurance. All these things exhaust our energy. I say this all the time. People are looking for more energy. You go for the coffee, you go for the outfit, you go for the vacation. But here's what's happening to most people. You can pour more energy or water into the cup, but if you have holes, dysregulated nervous system, assigning stories, making assumptions, taking things personally, reacting. You are just going to keep leaking out energy, my friend. So you can pour in all the water you want, but if that cup is leaking, it's not going to matter. You're going to be running in circles. So this process is going to help you clog those holes. Other tools you can look at is creating a toolbox of maybe not teammates, maybe not plants, maybe just stuff with you. What can you do in that moment? Now this is where you want to begin to practice it regularly, because when your nervous system is firing, you can't use a new tool. So maybe it is meditation, maybe it's going for a walk, maybe it's dancing, jumping on a trampoline, Maybe it's, you know, cooking some food that you love. Now this is where you have to be careful because cooking food that you love could be an act of self care, meditation, or it could be a numbing. So this is where discernment is the word I use with my clients to really get clear on what we're doing. What are we doing here? Right? What are we discerning? What are we untangling? So step three, okay, Step three is going to be all about what are you replacing it with? Because if you remove that binky, you remove a binky from a baby, they cry. If you remove a binky, right, that baby wants a toy or wants something else. And I'm asking you to remove that binky and put a little power tool in your hand so you feel empowered and you feel clear and you feel confident. You can make a long list. And I suggest doing that Maybe it's a hype folder of thank you cards you've gotten right? Or nice notes or cards or texts that you've received. Maybe you actually make a folder on your phone or in, in real life to look at that. When your nervous system or stories or wounds are telling you you're not loved and you get to go see how loved you are, allow yourself to tend to your needs and wounds. For me, I allowed myself to go spend time with my daughter's things. That's what helped me at the time, to look at her pictures, to watch videos, and to cry. I had to meet that need if I was ever going to stop binge eating those Bertucci's pearls. And then the last step here, and you're doing great. We're almost there. The last step is reflection. Now, this isn't going to happen right away. This will not happen when you're in a heightened emotional response. The reflection is when you've come back down. So when your nervous system is firing and in that you hold your steady, you hold your steady, you hold your steady like you don't give in, you don't give in, you don't give in. It's tiring, you're tired, you're tired, you're tired. Pause, nap, take care of yourself, give yourself a little bit of space, and then intentionally reflect what came up for me? What did I choose? How do I feel about that choice? Now, affirmations can actually be used in the reflection process, or they can be used in step three, affirming yourself. I choose growth. Every single day, every day I expand a little bit more and more. And you can create an entire appendix. I have so many resources. If you want my affirmation list, send me an email or shoot me an IG DM Just affirmation list. I'll include that information here at the end as well. So step four is where we really reflect and we get clear on how this served us. Now what we're doing here is we are building, we are positively reinforcing a new decision. Because what's happened in the past is you have felt positive reinforcement from something that negatively served you. So in order to build the muscle of a new default, a new default behavior, you have to positively reinforce a positive way of navigating it. If we just skirt over it, we are not strengthening that muscle. And if you want sustainable, changed behavior, we have to strengthen the muscle that reaches for the tools that serve us and not the binkies that soothe us. That's it. And that courageous humans, is how we shift from an emotional reaction to an intentional action. And when you do this, you will improve every relationship in your life, every single one of them. You may lose some in the sense of that relationship wasn't actually serving me. That relationship itself was a binky. But when you clear, you make space for something that is power tool, whether it's a relationship, a food, an activity podcast, a way of spending your time. And it's only through power tools that you're going to find your greatest, happiest self. Because as the woman who didn't want to live, I can tell you that no matter what is happening in my life, I feel completely grounded. I will get emotional, but I feel grounded in trust and surrender. And I feel joy. I feel joy in the pain. I feel joy in the unknown. I get scared. I get worried about all all things relationships and finances and all the things. So it's not a matter of circumstances and not having those there. It's a matter of having the tools to navigate them and building this muscle over and over and over and over and over so that every day you can just say, I'm doing great. I'm safe, I'm growing, I'm evolving, I'm expanding. I'm loved, I'm connected. It's all possible. I can create anything I want in my time here. I hope this served you. Please feel free to connect further. As I said, I have a number of resources. I have been doing this for a long time. I'm finally putting them out in a new way. And I am a teacher, teacher and educator and empower at heart. So it is truly my privilege and my honor to empower you. Here's where you can get in touch with me. Before I give you that though, I just want to say thank you. Because this is not only my life's purpose, but this is my daughter's legacy. Because it is through her loss and her lessons that I'm here sharing what I have learned from her today. So before I cry, we will put the information to find me. But just in case it's not here yet, when I send this to you, my email, Melissa Melissa dugalecki.com and my Instagram. Probably the best way to get in touch with me. Melissa Dugalecki and that's M E L I S S A D as in dog L as in light U G O L E C K I thank you so much for sharing me, honoring your strength, your courage, and I cannot wait. Let me know how this works for you.