Want a Pretty Christian Girlfriend? Watch This

13 Jun 2026 · 1 min

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In this brief monologue, the speaker delivers a tongue‑in‑cheek, satirical set of “rules” for winning over a stereotypical “pretty Christian” girlfriend. The advice is deliberately absurd and mocking, suggesting that one should (1) binge‑drink late at bars, (2) become obsessively invested in sports outcomes, (3) boast about personal goals without demonstrating any effort, and (4) exclusively eat a mysterious food called “gojslav.” The overall purpose appears to be a parody of shallow dating advice, using hyperbole and a flippant tone to critique superficial attraction tactics.

Chapters

This is how to pull a pretty Christian girlfriend. Number 1 is to go out late at night and get wasted at the bar. And yeah, just waste your life away. They love that. Number 2 is be obsessed with sports. Like, absolutely. Like, if your team is losing, you should show everyone and like get really upset. Number 3 is tell them your goals, tell them your ambitions, but don't actually show them how hard you work, or don't show them that you have any incentive. Or you want to be nonchalant, like you don't want to actually show them that you're working hard. Number 4, only eat gojslav. It's the best thing that they want to crash out with you, so make sure you do that.