10 Must Ask Questions Before Marriage | Help For Men

If you are thinking about marriage, in my opinion, there are 10 questions that you have to ask your partner before you go down the aisle and say, "I do." Most people believe that being married is simple. All you need is love, as the song says, right? You make a commitment to them and that love will carry you through whatever you face in life. Not so fast. Here's the truth. Love alone is not enough. If it was enough, then all those seemingly perfect couples that you see, you know, the ones that you watch online and their lives seem to be so perfect and you're a little jealous, then they would all be together after years and years, right? And That ain't the case. And most marriages don't unravel overnight, you know, after like one big explosive fight or something. A lot of marriages unravel after years together and they realize they have, they are two completely different people. They have different outlooks on life. They have different goals and outlooks for themselves and their life as a couple. And some people realize we have completely different ways of living. So for those people, their marriages didn't fail out of a lack of love. It failed because they didn't have those early on difficult conversations. Because if you don't have those difficult conversations, by the time time all those differences show up down the line, those differences will feel impossible to bridge. So love doesn't protect you from divorce. But what does? Those difficult early-on conversations. And I say all this as a guy who has suffered through the consequences of avoiding such conversations. Over a decade ago, I endured infidelity and a brutal divorce and suddenly found myself as a single dad to 3 little kids. And all that pain forced me to rebuild from the ground up. And I have dedicated my life to helping out guys just like you do it the same. And you can learn more about what I do and our support community, the Brotherhood, at help4men.com. So in this video, I'm going to walk through the 10 questions that I think all couples should ask each other prior to, to even talking about marriage. And these are not fluffy surface-level conversations either. These are the type of conversations that will uncover whether or not you will grow stronger as a couple, or you will start noticing those little cracks under the surface as time moves on. Now, before we dive into this list, I want to make one thing clear. These questions are not intended to scare you or scare you away from marriage. In fact, these questions are meant to protect you and to ensure that you do have a successful relationship down the line. Another disclaimer: these are not the questions that you whip out on date number 2 after meeting a woman. These are questions and situations that unfold over time. Some of these are conversations that will come up naturally. Some of these questions you will get answers to by just watching them. Watching your partner and their actions and how they react to things over time. Maybe even things that they tell you over time. The goal is not to sit down with somebody and just blurt out all these questions all in one shot. It's to, yes, have those deep, difficult conversations, but also over time to basically study each other and be honest and pragmatic about the situation and realize, is this a relationship that will unwind over time? Are you willing to walk the same path together? Together as you go through life. So as your relationship deepens, a lot of these questions and answers will come out naturally. What matters is that you pay attention and take action. Be intentional about this. Question number 1: Why get married at all? The answer to that question may seem obvious to you, but you would be surprised at the variety of reasons that people give for getting married in the first place. Some see it as the ultimate expression of love. Some see it solely as a means to financial and life security. Some see marriage solely as creating a solid foundation for raising children. None of these answers are wrong, but if your why for getting married doesn't match that of your partner's, it's not a good thing. You will, as a couple, feel yourselves splitting apart as time moves on. Now let's say that you skip this very important conversation and over time you realize that one of you places a great deal of importance on passion and romance, and the other one views marriage as a very practical institution just for raising children. To hell with romance. Over time, the romantic one feels very starved for affection and love, and the other one feels like they have very unreal expectations put upon them. So that resentment builds and builds over time, and the space between them grows and grows, and the chances of divorce go up exponentially. So when you ask somebody, why do you want to get married? It's a pretty big, important question, and it shows you a lot about that person and what their intentions are and what life with them may in fact look like. It is better to get this kind of topic out now rather than 10 years and 3 kids later. Trust me. The strongest marriages happen when two people are on the same page with the same goal right from the get-go. Because when hard times hit, and they will, they always do, you want to be on the same page. You want to be on the same team together. You don't want to have something as foundational as why are we together to get in the way. Question number 2: What's your vision for work and career? Work shapes almost everything about our day-to-day life. Some people dream of climbing the corporate ladder. While others do not want to have a 9-to-5 job. They would prefer to stay home with the children. And others don't have any real career aspirations beyond just retiring early. If your career aspirations don't line up, or their career aspirations are something that you completely disagree with, or you're very uncomfortable with at least, that's recipe for disaster. One partner may feel completely abandoned when the other one is at their normal 9-to-5 job at the office. And the other may feel completely crushed by the weight of carrying all that financial load, all that responsibility solely on their shoulders. So ask the question, what does What does success look like to you? Is work your identity, or is work just a paycheck to you? Do you work to live, or do you live to work? Do you put a great deal of value on money and being comfortable and safe, or do you put more value on being home with the family, or is it a combination of both? Answers to this question will show just what kind of future you two need to build together to move toward and whether your vision or her vision matches. Question number 3: Do you want to have children, and if you can't have children, then what? This is one of the most important questions you can ask, period. Whether or not you have kids shapes the entire trajectory of your life together. If one of you has a dream of having 3 or 4 kids in the house and the other one would much rather have none, there's basically no hope here. That is a fundamental disagreement on life goals. Love can cover quite a bit, but it can't overcome a giant mismatch like this. And what if both of you do want to have children and then you discover, through no fault of either of yours, you can't have kids? There's biologically something quote wrong here. That moment where you discover that you'll have fertility issues is a moment that will test you big time. So think about this ahead of time. Where do you stand on something like adoption, maybe donorship, or IVF or something similar? Or do you want to resign yourself to being without kids for the rest of your life? Are you okay with that? Asking this kind of question early on is not about killing romance. It's about building honesty between the two of you. If you can't honestly answer this big of a question, that doesn't look good for the rest of your relationship. How they answer this question says quite a bit about them. It doesn't just show whether or not they want to have kids, but it's what they think of the concept of family as a whole, how they will deal with disappointment, and how flexible they are with their family life plans. Couples that don't ask this kind of question, they're just setting themselves up for inevitable resentment, quiet resentment between the two of them. One person may feel trapped in a life that they never wanted, or they may feel betrayed because they weren't able to get the life that they always wanted. And once that kind of bitterness sets in between two people, it's almost impossible to overcome it. So do not skip this question. Ask the what-ifs. Dig and dig until you get to the bottom of exactly what it is they're looking for as far as a family and children are concerned. If you can find alignment here between the two of you, that is one of the strongest pillars that you can build a relationship on. Question number 4: How do you see the concept of family? The concept of marriage doesn't just exist in a vacuum. You both bring families to the equation. Each family has their own baggage, their own traditions, their own set of expectations. If your partner comes from a very close-knit family, that family will probably be involved in every aspect of your life. The holidays, the special occasions, even very private moments. What you think of as very private moments may in fact involve the family. What do you think about that? What do they think about that? Is that what they expect, or do they see that as a real invasion of their privacy? And that's no bueno. On the other hand, if their relationship with their extended family is very fractured, that is for sure going to have an effect on your relationship going forward. All those old wounds from their family and their past doesn't just go away on their own. That baggage, it shapes how you approach trust, intimacy, and conflict within the marriage. Those people may carry a lot of unhealed pain, and they may guard their independence above all else. And that doesn't leave much room for you, their romantic partner. So does your partner-to-be see family as a lifelong obligation? Do they see family as an extended network of siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins? Or do they see marriage as a way to start something completely new and fresh from the ground up? Answers to these questions will show how they prioritize you two, how they prioritize family as a whole, how they're going to deal with conflict, how they're going to deal with boundaries. A marriage is stronger when both partners know not just how to navigate the relationship between the two of them, but how to navigate the relationship of the family as a whole, the whole web of people that they bring with them. One way or another, Whichever direction they lean to as far as their family is concerned will have a major impact on your relationship. There's no doubt about it. Question number 5: What about your father? Few relationships shape a person more deeply than their relationship to their father. Whether or not he was present or absent, loving or avoidant, encouraging or critical, these things are vital to that partner's future development. This teaches her what to expect from men, whether or not she can trust men, whether she has unrealistic expectations of her partners. If her relationship to her father was super duper positive and she puts old dad up on a pedestal, you better believe that will have an impact on what she expects from you as her partner. If her relationship with dad was very painful, then yes, you are going to be measured against the actions of the father, and that's not necessarily fair to you. And also, how has the relationship with their father shaped how they behave? Do they try to emulate dad because he was such a great role model for how to be a parent or a spouse or whatever it may be? Or do they swing the pendulum all the way over to the opposite direction because dad was such a negative influence on their life that they want to do the complete opposite? These kind of questions open up a window into how your partner has learned about love, responsibility, conflict, all that good stuff. It reveals hidden expectations that your partner may not even realize that they have. By understanding their relationship to their father, you are understanding how a very crucial part of the building of their foundation was constructed. At a very early age and how that may in fact affect you. Just because you are now married to her doesn't erase all of that influence she had at a very young age from her father. A marriage doesn't erase all of those patterns. It either repeats them, resists them, or redeems them. Question number 6, how should we handle money? Money is always one of the top reasons for marital conflict. And when you dig into it, it's not just about ones and zeros. It's not just numbers. It's about values. For some people, money, finances represents freedom and security. For others, money represents anxiety, conflict, and stress. Some people actually feel shame for having money. Talk about the logistics of money. Are you going to combine finances? Are you going to have two separate accounts? How is it that you will decide what gets spent and where on the family? One person may be a big proponent of unity, combining all the finances, and the other person may be a big promoter of independence. They don't like the idea of combining finances. They want to know that they can spend their money on what they want to spend on or not spend on. Neither one is wrong, but major disagreements about this down the road because you don't address it now, that will just breed a lot of resentment, a lot of mistrust. What about saving money? This is huge. One person may get a sense of peace by saving every little penny. They get a sense of joy by watching their savings and investment accounts grow over time, while another believes that money is wasted unless it's enjoyed. You can't take money into the afterlife with you, right? Without some kind of agreement, everything that revolves around money will revolve around control. And debt is probably one of the most insidious little pieces of the puzzle that makes up your financial world. If one of you is hiding serious debt in the form of credit cards or personal loans or whatever it may be, that can put a serious strain on a relationship. Spending habits, financial dishonesty, financial infidelity, as they call it. These are all very real things to be concerned about. Discussing finances openly before marriage shows you what your partner thinks about responsibility, sacrifice, and long-term vision. It reveals whether they see wealth as a tool or as a something to exploit and enjoy. A strong marriage does not need wealth per se, but it does need openness and honesty and security. Question number 7, how important is intimacy? Now, this is something you really need to understand. As the author of The Dead Bedroom Fix, I'm a pretty good authority on just how important of an issue intimacy can be in a marriage. Out of all the things I talk about with the men that I work with, lack of intimacy in the bedroom, if you know what I mean, is the number one issue above all of them. So yes, it behooves you to get this very difficult and very uncomfortable conversation out of the way very soon, very early, in the relationship. For some, like a lot of the men that I talk to, intimacy is of paramount importance. A lot of men pride themselves on being romantic and touching and loving, and they need that to feel connected to their partner. For others, intimacy is, it's okay, but they don't really need it. It's legitimately not that important of a thing to them. It's as if somebody says to them, you know, you're not going to eat watermelon for the rest of your life. Not that big a deal. Neither is necessarily wrong, but if you're not on the same page with intimacy, good luck. Now, even if you're in agreement with each other, Life can test you. It will test your connection with each other. Children, exhaustion, stress, life responsibilities. All these things pull you in different directions and they pull you away from each other. At the early stages of the relationship, the old honeymoon phase, the staying connected intimately was effortless. But later in the relationship, it takes work, intentional effort for sure. If one partner treats intimacy as an option, not a big deal and not worthy of said work, it's over. Years and years of silence on the matter can turn into a great deal of rejection, resentment, and possibly even betrayal. If this type of conversation early in the relationship is very uncomfortable and that's one you really don't want to have, that says a lot about you and a lot about your openness with each other about such a topic. You have to be open with each other about this at a very early stage. Not being open shows a very real disconnection as far as personality types are concerned, and a very real very probable chance that you're going to have a lot of issues in the bedroom years down the line. Marriages where intimacy is valued and nurtured, they thrive. They don't just survive. Couples who view intimacy as a requirement, as a responsibility between the two of them, where they both have a part, they both have to put in work, that is a relationship that will survive long term. Those who avoid such a discussion early on are the type that most definitely avoid it later on. And those are the type that end up as roommates and not lovers. Question number 8: What did your parents' marriage look like? Every childhood home, all the baggage that you endured as a kid leaves an imprint on you. Some people grow up in a household filled with warmth and love and affection, and those people step into adult relationships expecting the same. Other people grow up in a household of silence and conflict and division, and they in turn also carry all those same patterns into their future relationships. Rarely is it ever neutral in nature. Usually it's one way or the other. And very often you unconsciously repeat what it is that you saw day after day in your mother and father's relationship. As I often say to people, you had a front row seat for how moms and dads act with each other. Understanding all this background information, it matters. You are not just marrying the person, you're marrying their background. You are marrying all their childhood baggage. Knowing how your partner saw love modeled in their childhood home will reveal both their strengths and their fears when it comes to romantic relationships. The goal is not to blame them or to blame their past, but to understand where it is they're coming from and how that may and probably will shape the intimacy and love between the two of you in your marriage. Question number 9: If your parents divorced, what did that teach you about relationships? Divorce doesn't just end a marriage, it shapes the way their children look at relationships down the line. It shapes the way the kids look at love and loyalty. It shapes how they look at conflict. It becomes the invisible script that is running in the background of all of their subsequent relationships. Some children of divorce grow up to be very guarded. They learn that love is not permanent no matter what they do, so they approach a relationship and always have one foot out the door, so to speak. These people are always protecting themselves from hurt regardless if it's going to come or not. Others swing the pendulum all the way the other way and become very anxious and very needy and hang on no matter what. Even when repeatedly pushed away by their partner, they refuse to let go. They do not want to repeat what they saw mom and dad do. If her parents fought bitterly with each other, you better believe that that's a dynamic that was imprinted in your partner-to-be. If she sat back and watched your parents do the old silent treatment and ignore a lot of issues, it's something to be aware of. A partner who as a child moved around often, moved around houses often, let's say after divorce, lost touch with one of their parents, or if they felt pulled into parental conflict more than they should, they may carry a lot of wounds centered around instability and mistrust. And those experiences and those subsequent wounds that they got as a kid may impact what kind of security and needs that they will have from you. The point is that divorce doesn't just affect the parents, but it very much affects the kids, and it behooves you to get to the bottom of just how it affected your partner-to-be and what they are doing to deal with it. Question number 10, how do you handle emotional and mental health. Mental and emotional health is one of the most overlooked subjects within a relationship. And yet it quietly shapes everything, doesn't it? Every single solitary person carries stress, anxiety, insecurity, past wounds and baggage, or just stress from the daily grind of life. What matters is not whether or not they have all these feelings, because we all do. It's how they cope with them. How do they deal with what happened to them before and what's happening to them now? Some people face these things directly. They go to therapy, they read books, they learn, they talk to friends, they talk to their partner. Others retreat inwardly and they shove everything down until it eventually bubbles to the surface, as I often say. Then it becomes anger, silence, conflict. Some people distract themselves with work, spending, overeating, alcohol, drugs, all of these things to distract and numb rather than feel and actually deal with it. And as many of you know, these coping mechanisms don't just affect themselves. Themselves, but it has a dramatic effect on everyone around them. Imagine two people dealing with very real stressful situations. One turns inwardly, doesn't want to talk about it, doesn't want to deal with it. The other faces things in a healthy way, uses their healthy coping mechanisms that they've learned over the years. There's going to be very much a mismatch, a very imbalance in how this very real and normal stress is handled, and this will lead to inevitably conflict in a big, big way. Perhaps one is pulling away and one is going toward. The pursuer and distancer, the anxious and the avoidant. Some people were raised to think that things such as therapy are silly, that emotions are to be minimized. Being vulnerable is weakness. While others were learned that there's real strength in opening up, and they're very eager actually to open up to others. This is how things get resolved. Let's talk about it. Let's put it out there. To a person who is used to swallowing things, this is a major turnoff. So what you need to know is when life tests you, and it will test you, how is your partner going to react? Who are they going to lean on, if anyone, for help? What kind of coping mechanisms have they built over the years? Is this something that they continuously work on? And get better at? Or is it something that they keep pushing more and more under the surface? A relationship where they tackle their emotional and mental health together is a strong one. One that ignores the other one's problems because it's just too much to deal with, that's not good. And those are what I see as the 10 most important questions to ask of your partner prior to marriage. Again, love is a lot. Love is wonderful, but it's not enough. What makes a marriage last is being honest with each other and making sure that you are aligned and talking about this stuff before it becomes a huge problem later on. If you and your partner are able to have these kind of conversations early on, that's a huge plus in your favor. And if you find out that you don't match in some of these categories, that doesn't mean it's over. It just means it's something to work on. And doing that work may actually bring you closer together. Kind of funny how that works. But if you don't have these tough conversations, you will never know, will you? At the end of the day, marriage is not about finding somebody perfect. It's about finding a person who wants the same kind of life life that you want, and they are willing to build it with you. If these 10 questions got you thinking, don't just keep it to yourself. Share it with your loved one. It could be the difference between building a strong marriage and watching it all fall apart. And remember, if you want more guidance and tools to help you on this journey, check out Help for Men at helpformen.com and our private support community, The Brotherhood. Thank you so much for watching.