Ralph Brewer and Adam explain why avoidant partners suddenly pursue new relationships: the Coolidge effect drives attraction to novelty, while long-term commitment triggers their need to withdraw. They argue that sustaining intimacy requires intentional repair work after conflict, personal growth, and balanced independence rather than constant togetherness.
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But we're here to answer any questions, any scenarios you may have. Guitar God started things off with a question of, why would an avoidant woman who doesn't want to be pursued go and pursue another guy? She's already getting tension that she doesn't want. Well, I mean, you know, I'll oversimplify it and you can speak in platitudes here and it doesn't apply to every single situation. So let's not go there. But one thing I see from a lot of people is these avoidant types, tell me if I'm wrong, Adam, don't do well in these super committed long-term kind of relationships.
Yeah, 100%. Yeah, I'll say this. It's Guitar Guy.
Is that Guitar God? Guitar God?
Yes.
Like beyond a guy, it's like Clapton himself here.
Yes, great guitarist. Um, the way I, the way I like to show people the, the avoidant is kind of this. It's they do this, they do that, and they do this. I'm gonna let you get just close enough, we're gonna do just enough, but you're never gonna really get to know me, the true me. You're not gonna really get to know my truths. And that, that's why, that's how, that's how that dance works. You get sucked in, you get— it's a false bill of goods. And then when something happens or you want to get closer, then you get pushed away.
Yeah. And it's a question. And then as far as why the new guy though gets the attention, well, I've talked about 100 times, you can't compete with new. New. We are hardwired as human beings to react to new and come to life again and get a renewed sense of sexual desire, whatever it may be. We come to life with new and the old Coolidge effect, as they call it. And so when somebody new slides in and she's got her attention on somebody, you will see a renewed sense of vigor and life in your partner. That's what we often see in women that cheat on us is like, this is a new gal. Who is this? She looks 20 years younger. She's acting different. Oh shit, she's been cheating on me. She's going through that mating dance again, if you will. And so when we see that, it's not necessarily fair to compare what she's experienced, like, with that guy, with what she had with you— 10, 20, 30-year relationship. It's two different things.
But, you know, Ralph Brewer, you're bringing up, I think, what's a good point, is that, like, well, first let me say this: in relationships, or in like a relationship cycle, it all starts with infatuation. Right? And we all— man, those endorphins get going, those dopamine hits, right? And all that stuff. The trick— or not a trick— the challenge is when you're in a relationship that's more long-term is how do you create— continue to create excitement and newness and, and, and new vulnerability? And, and that's where I think that's— that goes away as couples, they they get into that wash, rinse, repeat cycle. They don't— they stop working on the marriage. They stop working on themselves. You know, I think personal growth is— that's a lifelong journey, right? So, so I think that's what happens a lot for couples and individuals. Yeah, they get bored, but the truth is they just quit. It's not getting bored. You're not doing anything to make it different or better.
Yeah. Well, again, back to the whole concept of the tools and skills. Not all of us— not all of us have the tools in our toolbox We don't know, you know, you got to work to keep that spark alive, so to speak. There's a lot of people have this erroneous assumption that, you know, if we're plotting the, I guess, excitement, sexuality in a relationship like this, that it has to stay at this high. As soon as we sense it's dipping, some people go through the assumption of, well, that means that we're done here. Obviously there's something very broken here. It's over. I don't have those feelings. And oh, I'm feeling it again with this new person over here. "this must mean that they're my soulmate," or "they're the one that—" No, you've gone through the very normal cycle of human connection. It's not fair to compare the two. And so some of us realize that no, instead of this, the more realistic is boop, boop. That's the more realistic.
Yeah, those little downs, right? Yeah. You know, I love this metaphor, and I tell my guys this a lot, is like if you've ever broken a bone, I've broken a few, right? Well, what's the strongest— when after you break a bone and it heals, what's the strongest part of the bone? The part that heals.
Healed. Yeah. It's like a weld. Yeah.
Yeah. That's the strongest part. And so if you look at a relationship the same way, when you have a rupture, you have that dip. Look, I'm probably like most— I hate ruptures in my marriage. I hate those dips. And I also know that's the part to grow and to learn and to see something I'm not seeing. Because I also know the reconnection gets you back again to that amazing, like, infatuation connection, right? Like, ah, this person hung the moon. I remember this, right? So, so don't run away from those little ruptures or those breaks. That's the chance to, to build it stronger. That's the chance to grow. That's the chance maybe even to heal something you didn't know you need to heal. Very good.
And I talked about some of that in my book, The Dead Bedroom Fix. The 3rd edition just came out here earlier this year. I talk about those little things of creating distance, which some people do in a manipulative way, or at least that's how they interpret it, as I'm being manipulative, playing hard to get, and so forth. No, you're supposed to be a good, healthy, independent creature. You're not supposed to be hovering 24/7 over your partner. That's a good way to smother and to go from here to down here, you know, permanently is to be on top of each other 24/7. You need good healthy distance. You need— she needs her life, you need yours, interests, friends, and so forth. And then when you come together, it's, it's a good thing. But in today's day and age, especially a lot of people working from home and so forth, is that, um, that's tough to do. And Mr. or Miss Anxious is like, I don't like distance because I feel if I let them go, they're just going to keep going and they'll drift away, which unfortunately For our anxious guys, may very well be the case with that misavoidant that they're with. You know, when they go to her and say, I don't know if I can do this anymore unless we go get help with us. I don't think I could continue in this relationship. Sometimes the answer is, oh, okay, go ahead. I'll be fine without you. I, you know, I don't need the relationship. Oh, ouch.
