JD has been paying for a cosplayer's OnlyFans and suggesting outfit ideas, while his wife reads romance authors. Ralph Brewer says the issue isn't the platform but whether JD's wife sees it as cheating. He tells JD to have an honest conversation about boundaries, or the marriage suffers.
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Hello everyone, DSO here from dadstartingover.com, and we have another Dear DSO entry on the website. And you can submit your own story to dadstartingover.com/dear-dso. And if your story or your question's a good one, I will share it here for the whole world to see. And today's comes from JD, and the subject line is, is subscribing to OnlyFans cheating? He says, hi DSO. Well, hi JD. I've been married for 15 years and I'm a big fan of geek culture. I follow a popular cosplayer on YouTube and have supported her on Patreon for about a year. I recently decided to subscribe to her OnlyFans to see more revealing pics. Oh, JD. I've been told that this is cheating. When in my mind this isn't at all, this isn't at all that different from just watching regular porn. What do you think? I admit I reached out to her a couple of times to suggest outfit ideas, but I stopped when she asked for more money. P.S., he says, my wife is huge into smutty romance and regularly interacts with authors and other readers. It feels kind of like a double standard, but I'm not sure that this is a hill to die on, he says. Well, first things first, you didn't ask this, but this may contribute to some of what's going on here. Do you consider— geek culture is one thing, there are nerdy things that I absolutely love, so I'm not going to judge you for that, but this whole Following a certain cosplayer, sending her money, joining her OnlyFans to see naked pictures of herself and video, whatever it may be. Now you're going into kind of what a lot of people, dare I say the majority of women, married women, would say kind of creepy, kind of desperate kind of behavior. A lot of stuff that is categorized as creepy is kind of desperate dude looking for female attention kind of behavior. And you're inching towards that, if not jumping right over the line here. Now you're asking, what do I think about all this? Is this, you know, considered cheating? Here's the thing, JD, it doesn't matter what I think. It matters what you think and what your spouse thinks. All right? Now she says, I don't like this. I don't like the fact that you're sending this lady money, that you're interacting with her one-on-one. I think you're crossing some lines here, right? I'm putting words in her mouth, but I would assume that's the gist of what she's saying here. And instead of saying, I respect your boundaries, I get what you're saying, you point the finger right back and say, oh yeah, what about you and the smutty books, interacting with the author, interacting with the fellow fans? Which, by the way, I will pause there and say, that wouldn't sit too well with me, to be honest with you. But when she was doing all that, I presume she's been doing that for a while, did you ever say No bueno, wife. I don't like that. If you did, obviously it didn't mean much to you putting up that boundary or telling her what you will and will not put up with because she's still doing it. Or you never did say anything because you didn't want to rock the boat. Or it really didn't bother you all that much until she slaps you on the hand and says, bad boy for doing what you're doing. And then you turn around and point at her and say, I don't like this. To which she has every right to say, then why didn't you say anything about it? Or then why didn't you put your foot down and tell me to stop? Or whatever it may be. So it's a little late to be pulling that, dude. You need the big fat sit-down to say, this is what I will and will not put up with. And she has every right to say the same thing. Now, what you do with that information, totally up to you. From what I've seen, for a lot of my fan base, followers, whatever you want to call it, it's a lot of very anxiousy guys that are holding on to women no matter what, and they get their boundaries stomped all over. So a man will say, I don't like that you're texting with your male coworker all day, every day, 24/7. And the wife says, tough, you're being insecure. It's your problem, not mine. And a lot of those men just put their tail between their legs and say, oh well. I said my piece, what more can I do? Well, what more you can do is to say, or else. That's the thing a lot of people don't do. So is your wife willing to say, or else, on this? Is it that big of a deal for her? You gotta respect her, dude. This is her values, her opinions, whatever you wanna call it. She's telling you, good for her. And if that really bothered you, what she's doing with the smutty, you know, books, as you call them, then you need to say something about it. So in other words, sounds like boilerplate bullshit advice, but communication, communication. I don't like this and here's why. I don't appreciate when you do this and here's why. And from where I'm sitting, at least with the few sentences that you shared here, it sounds like she's the only one kind of doing that. Why aren't you doing that? And, um, I'm not the type to subscribe to an OnlyFans, reach out to people, give them money. Kind of pitiful, dude. Need to, um, you know, examine what it is you're a little bit closer— closely and see, you know, you need to examine, self-examine, look at what it is you're doing here. This is no good, dude. It's, it's nothing that a, um, confident, classy individual with a sense of abundance in life would do. It's a— as I said, it's a move of desperation. It's a move of a person who spends entirely too much time in front of the computer. Speaking as a guy who spends 8-10 hours here doing this kind of stuff, but you know where I'm going with this. All right, buddy, probably not what you wanted to hear, but just being honest with you. All right, buddy, thanks so much for reaching out. Appreciate it.
