Chat LIVE With DSO and Lauren @thedadvocate

I don't have— what is that? Okay, what is that thing in the background? That's kind of freaking me out.

Oh, that's my jiu-jitsu dummy.

Say again? Oh, jiu-jitsu dummy. Oh, okay.

Yeah, for like drilling practice. But now this holds my bird.

Let me— I don't have a jiu-jitsu dummy.

He's just always lived here and now I just can't move him. Just a part of it. We just made a note for him on YouTube. What is the—

but he has like a, uh, something on his on his lap there. Does that have meaning?

Yeah, that's my Patreon board.

Oh, okay, cool.

Join my Patreon and you want to be publicly shouted out, I'll write your name in cursive.

Oh, very cool. And I really like the neon— I assume it's neon Davokit in the background there. That's really cool looking.

I got that for free, like really early on into my TikTok career. This company was like, we'll make you a neon sign. And I was like, okay.

Man. Nobody makes me anything for free. Well, we, uh, it looks like we are live. Let me check on YouTube here. Facebook, we're good to go.

I know it always takes a second for it to— yeah, we're good.

Cool. All right, let me exit out of that. Welcome everyone, howdy do. We are— well, we already have somebody on and commenting, so, oh, this is going to be a good one. Welcome everyone to Zai, and I apologize, man, I got something wrong with my eyeball today. Something in my right eye, it's all watery.

I did not notice.

So welcome everyone. I did not notice. Oh good. My name is Ralph Brewer Brewer, AKA DSO from Dad Starting Over. You can learn more, dadstartingover.com, search for Dad Starting Over, any social media channel, wherever. And with me today is the lovely and talented Lauren, the Dadvocate. If you've not seen Lauren's face before, then, well, you haven't been on the internet looking at, I guess, relationship-oriented content specifically for men, because Miss Lauren is what we call uber popular, and she is all over the place. I mean, I first saw Lauren probably, I think it was first on TikTok months ago when I first started all of this. And some of your stuff's gone viral, hit the millions, and you got in the millions followers. And then you're huge on YouTube. You're huge on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter. Are you on Twitter?

Actually, no.

Okay.

I'm on Threads.

You stuck with that?

I don't know what it is. I just, there was like very early on, I was like, I don't want to do Twitter. It was like when it was like, I think it's because they switched to X. If they went back to calling it Twitter, I would go back. I'm just still in a rebellion because I hate the whole X thing.

The whole X thing.

Yeah, I just refuse to participate.

Well, you know, I, I read Elon's biography and there's a history behind the whole X thing. He is like obsessed with the letter X for some reason. He has kids that have the name X something something. He's—

remember that?

Yeah. Yeah. And so he years ago started a website called X.com, which was going to be like a PayPal kind kind of thing, you know, uh, what do you call it, like a virtual payment system. And he was going to make it like this big virtual bank and it was going to be this all-in-one, everything you need financially kind of website. And then, um, he merged with and became like a co-founder of PayPal and made bazillions of dollars through that. So X was kind of shoved to the side, but he always wanted to have an X.com. That was always his dream. And then he bought Twitter and sure as shit, you know what we're going to do? We're going to rename it X.com. So it was like, well, here we go. Um, he's a bit of a goofball. You know what we're going to do?

We're still going to call it Twitter. We're still gonna—

everybody calls it Twitter. I always call it Twitter/X when I refer to people. I go, see me on Twitter/X. No one calls it X.com.

It's been like a year and people don't know what you're talking about.

Not to mention the whole porno thing with X. You know, everyone associates X with adult stuff, like XXX-rated, X-rated. So, you know, marketing-wise, it's kind of a thing.

I don't know. That is funny. There's no part of me that thinks that just because there's one X, that it's not either porn or like a poorly labeled poison.

Exactly. Exactly. It's the old cartoony poison bottle, you know, with the X's on it. Yeah, exactly.

Like if I was a Disney villain and I picked that one up, I'd be like, hmm, I must still be working on this one.

Exactly right. Well, well, thank you for joining us today, Lauren. Appreciate it a great deal. Appreciate everything you do. Out in the world. Again, if you guys don't know, check out The Dadvocate, all the social media channels, dadvocate.net. Is it The Dadvocate or just Dadvocate?

Just Dadvocate.

Dadvocate.net.

It is so crazy to like hear you saying all this and hold on, just so much better. But like you referring to me as a celebrity, I'm so— this is so bizarre to me. I was just talking to my husband about this because, you know, I've been following pages very similar to yours and pages like Fathers' Rights Movement, National Parent Organization, these pages fighting for equal shared parenting essentially for like 10 years now. And for the longest time, these were all thoughts that I was like, no one wants to hear this. No one wants to talk about this stuff. And so the fact that there is such an engaging audience out there who's like, oh my God, this, I relate. It's like, in a way I'm not happy about it because I'm like, I'm like, Jesus, I just described to you like some of the worst things that my husband has ever gone through. I hate that you're all relating to this, but in a way it is a relief to know that this whole time I haven't been alone. I just have been quiet.

Very good. And you do a lot of good things and you bring a lot of good stuff to light and you post some really funny stuff. I love the— oh, what do they call it? The shaming, partner shaming stuff is disturbing yet hilarious, just how bad it is. And you know, if you guys don't know what that means is there's these women. I think you've picked on just the women so far. I don't think it's really a man thing. I haven't seen where men get on and say—

I've caught some men.

You've caught some of them doing it.

The thing is, usually by the time someone tags me in a man shaming his wife, he's already been decimated and ratioed to oblivion.

Guy's not gonna get away with that.

There's not much more for me to do.

Yeah. So it's basically, for those that don't know, the partner shaming thing is, let's say the wife gets on there and says, look at the stupid shit my husband's doing, or look at how he's really failing as a husband, and really drags the guy through the coals and like shows like videos of him. Look at the stupid shit he's doing. Look at him trying to wash this dish. Look at him try to mop. Look at him try to fold clothes. What an idiot he is. And then everybody gets on there, yeah, right, he's an idiot. And what's the term for when a guy purposely does something badly? Weaponized incompetence. You've heard of this, that they say he's just— what, he's just purposely doing it bad so he doesn't have to do it at all anymore. And, and you rightfully, you know, you look at these things and you said something's not quite right here, and you dig a little further into it, you realize this is just a bunch of horseshit because this— the guy's not doing something bad, he's doing something just fine. Or just, you know, 2 weeks ago the woman was gloating about what a great husband he is and now she's just doing this to get, you know, I guess likes and points or whatever the hell it means, or just clout on the internet. And you rightfully call them out and say, you're being a dickhead with this stuff. And the guy's fine. And some people come back right back at you though, don't they, and say, uh, um, you're a dick for calling out me for being a dick. And around and around we go.

Yeah, that just happened actually. My newest, my latest YouTube video is about a very big creator with over half a million followers who I got to be a guest on their podcast where they, they hate the partner shaming series, Ralph. They, they think that I am just so mean to these women and they, they go on this podcast and they're trying to say like, well, these women, it's, they're not meaning to shame their partners. They're just trying to find an outlet for their frustration. They're just trying to talk about the very real issues they're going through. And it's like, But here's the thing about the Partner Shaming series. Very rarely is the person being shamed completely innocent. A lot of times they actually have done something pretty annoying or like off color. The point is that they didn't give you permission to secretly record them and that you're, it's a pretty big betrayal of the relationship for you to now put that as a public spectacle.

Yeah.

For us all, all these anonymous trolls to formulate opinions on and assume the worst of. That's the bad part.

You know, call me crazy, but when you're like in a partnership with somebody, whether you're married or they're your long-term boyfriend, girlfriend, or whatever, it's always been really distasteful to me and like just yuck to see one or both of them just put down the other one like in public. Because you're supposed to be like a team, a partnership. You know, and it to the point where if somebody outside of your circle says something bad about the other one, you go, oh, don't— no, no, no, we don't do that about my woman or my man or whatever. But what we see is the exact opposite, where it's almost like people try to out— I don't know, out-victim each other, what the— out-asshole each other. Let me tell you how, how my husband, how he sucks. And, and then it just becomes— it just, uh, this vicious circle of everybody trying to— let me tell you how much my partner sucks and how much they, they fail at life. And it's just I, I don't get it. It just— maybe I'm a little naive in that, but it's always major red flag that something really bad's going on there if you make it, you know, a habit to badmouth your partner like that in public, especially on TikTok for the whole freaking world to see, for millions. That's a whole other level of holy shit. So, you know, keep calling them out.

I want to offer, you know, some charitability in that you can tell with a lot of these people that in a lot of these cases they had like 300 followers before this happened. And so they really truly had no idea that it would become the next viral video, that some of these people, you can tell they really were just trying to vent. And so I'll acknowledge that, but it's still not an excuse or a get out of jail free card just because you didn't know that it was gonna snowball that bad. You had to know that when you expose this part of your life to the general public, that anything could happen. That anyone could view that.

You would think, but it's one of those, be careful what you wish for. I think probably when they click that submit, they probably secretly do wish, oh, I wonder if this one will go viral. And then when it does, like, oh shit, this is not what I expected. Now I have all these people badmouthing me, emailing me, all these perverts online trying to, especially if you're a woman posting something online. I can't imagine what you have to endure as a female out there putting your face out there in the world. Is it not much? I would think you'd get occasional weirdo?

I don't know if it's just a me thing that I have this selective hearing and I'm really good at filtering stuff out. But I've got to say that I feel like the vast majority of my comments are respectful and chill. Well, good.

That's awesome.

Yeah, I don't really get too much crazy, I have to say. I got to knock on wood now.

Guys, if you're watching, please don't. Yeah, let's not start something. Salut à Black Box Podcast.

Follows this immediately.

Sorry if I sparked something in the, in the weirdo population out there, but yeah, let's not do that. Um, I, I, I put— I've said on here before, the only thing I get that makes me go, uh, is I get the occasional— it's always older women that, that send me messages and say, you're cute, are you married? And I'm just like, I appreciate it, Linda, but yes, I am. That's all I get. So if I get that, it's a middle-aged bald dude, you know, putting myself out there. I can't imagine what some younger dude, you know, good looking 20-something or gal, you know, putting herself out there gets. So, oof, more power to you.

And that's like the added punches too, because not only do these people have these pretty embarrassing and humiliating things put on the internet for them. And like, here's the thing too, is Lord knows we've all— we all have those moments. Like, I can think of one specific time off the bat that like, I could have been partner shamed, probably rightfully, into oblivion. It's so cringe and embarrassing, but there was a time that my husband was traveling for work and he uploaded like a selfie of himself, like all dressed up for his gig. And one of his hands was in his pocket, the other was on the phone, and I was like, why aren't you wearing your wedding ring? And he's like, babe, this is a mirror. The ring is in the pocket. And I immediately deleted my comment, but I was like, Wow. That's embarrassing. He could have easily, if he would have posted that to Reddit, I would have been lit up like a fire tree, like a, like a Christmas tree, a fire truck, lit up like a fire truck. But all of those things, yes. A fire tree.

A fire tree.

I don't know if I would have like all the things lit up. There would have been, and that's the thing is like, not only do these guys get blasted and they're called man baby accused of weaponized incompetence, which is abuse by the way. So now these guys are getting. Literally accused of abuse, which is like one of the worst things of all time. But you also have all these other guys in the comments like, "I wouldn't treat you like that. You gotta come over here. You never have to deal with that." Like, all of the worst things.

Doggone woman. Oh, internet. Internet never fails. Yeah. Have you noticed all the different social media channels have their— each have their own little culture? They're a little— their Facebook is way different from the TikTok culture, which is way different from the YouTube, which is— and Twitter, Twitter seems to be— maybe it's just what I see— probably, uh, trends more like cerebral academic type. At least that's what I see a lot of. Maybe it's just who I follow. Facebook, definitely not. Facebook and cerebral, whatever. Love you, Facebook.

It's funny too because With Twitter, it's so black and white, because it will either be these hyper-intellectual discussions and very political science, or people who are just like, "Wow, got titties!" I guess, the dichotomy of life.

We got some folks This isn't, you know, just for to sit and watch us blab and make fun of the internet people, but this is for you guys. If you guys have any questions— if you're watching this, you probably know who we are, you've probably watched our stuff. So if you got questions or comments or stories or anything to share at all, now's the time to do so. But I ask if you guys could be so kind as to like, share wherever you're watching this, subscribe. Myself, I believe I put the link to, uh, Lauren the Dadvocate on there. If you want to like and subscribe and follow her as well, that would be great. Uh, that would greatly appreciate it. That's, um, Facebook and all the like. That's how they know if this is a good thing, is if a lot of people like it and share it, then they start showing it to a lot of other people randomly. So let's make that happen, folks. Uh, Pepo, that's a name from Argentina, says hi. Well, hola Pepo, ¿cómo estás amigo? And then Josh, who is a longtime follower and DSO fraternity member, says, uh, playas. I guess we're players. I've never been called a player before. All right.

There is a song that says girls are players too. Oh, well, all right, cool. We finally made it. We got those equal rights we wanted.

And then Mike says, love following both of you guys. Well, thank you, Mike. I appreciate it. We both appreciate it a great deal. Daniel, he chimed in like the second we logged in saying, looking forward to this. Love both your content. Well, thank you, Daniel. Appreciate you a great deal. Uh, any questions at all? Any comments? Anything at all? So we don't have to just sit here and blab and blab, you know. We depend on you guys to give us good material here. Um, I will, um, maybe get the ball rolling a little bit because I posted something, or a series of somethings, all with a— with the same theme, um, that got a lot of reaction, a lot of negative reaction from women. And that was— yes, seems to be.

Well, that's really the negative reaction from women part, but yes, the two— the side-by-side comparison and then the controversy as a result.

There you go. So it was— I tweeted, it seems to be over the years I have learned that nothing gets women— women commenters on my material— nothing gets them going in an angry way more so than me pointing out You know, after kids come into the picture, a lot of men feel kind of forgotten. Forgotten as a partner, forgotten as a husband, as my wife's best friend, my wife's lover, whatever it may be. We feel kind of like, stay over here, dude. And we see that when it comes to— we try to chip in and help. We see that our wife is just overstimulated, stressed out, everything. And we're like, let me take it. And she's like, no, I got a way of doing this, whatever that this may be. Just let me do it, okay? You know, just sit down over there, I don't need you right now. Okay. You know, and you stack like 500 of those instances together in a matter of, you know, the first couple years of a child's life, and you're just like, I don't really feel— you know, and some guys even go as far as like, um, they feel like the wife and everyone is saying, your job is done, sperm boy. You know, step over there, go to work. We paycheck, yes, great, thank you, helps out with the whole family unit. But as far as your job is concerned Sorry, buddy, you're kind of done here. And we feel forgotten, left out. So I pointed that out, that how strange is it that, to me anyway, being naive as I am, that the reaction is so negative for women. I would expect more of a reaction of, you know, we get it, that's not our intent as women in your life. We don't want to forget you, we don't want to set you aside, but we're just so overwhelmed with kids and work and everything that it's so easy for us to get lost in all that. But that's not what I see. What I see is a reaction from a lot of women saying, go fuck yourself, you big babies. It's not about you anymore. We have a new kid in the picture here. Get over yourself. It can't be the honeymoon stage 24/7, you know, and on and on and on. And I did a little video where I took screen captures of all of the comments that I got from women. It was— I'm not joking— 99% over the top Holy shit, negative. It was bad. And so I, you know, posted a couple more tweets, video about that, my little follow-up commentary on that. And sure enough, I guess I would expect the commentary on the commentary to be more so, yeah, he's right, he's got a point, maybe, you know, we do appreciate our husbands for what they do. Oh no, they doubled and tripled down. The fact that you're commenting on our negative commentary just makes us more negative. So I don't— what do you think? Do you see much the same commentary? And so Lauren, take it away.

Yeah, it's— this is an issue that men have been trying to vocalize and in so many different ways, like, please hear us out on this, where it seems like whenever a man finally vocalizes a want or a need emotionally, No matter how gentle it— when they say it is weaponized against them, the men are not being dramatic. And it's, it's so aggravating because men keep trying to say like, we are afraid to open up because every time we do, we just get screamed at. It's used against us. We're told to shut up. We're told we're being big man babies. We're told we're being too sassy. Oh, this new generation of men, they all want to be treated like princesses. Like, We— they just don't want to be discarded to the side and seen as nothing more than a tool to use when convenient, essentially. And, you know, your tweet, for example, I think that you'd be able to admit if you had said something a little snarky, if you had said something a little crappy to women, if you had said something like, oh, you know, all women just seem to throw us aside once they push a kid out, don't they? Obviously, I think there'd be a little bit more understanding for why it didn't receive great reception. But it's, it is so frustrating that we're in a culture where if you even suggest something as simple as, man, it can be tough on men in marriages as well after a kid because there's an absolute change in the dynamic. That's very simple. Very true, but because it has to do with a man, it's, well, why can't he deal with that? Why is he so less of a man that that's such a hard obstacle for him? But in women's spaces, and I feel like I can certainly speak to this as a mother who's been warmly welcomed into several women's spaces after becoming a mother, even before becoming a biological mother, when it was just a part-time gig as a stepmom, I feel like I was so warmly welcomed in these spaces where I was allowed to vent and be like, oh, I feel like it's so hard to share space, and you know, when do I get time for me? I'm allowed to complain about stuff like that, and no one's going to see me as less of a woman. No one's gonna say like, wow, how dare she want attention from her husband. No, they're gonna say, how dare he not make her feel like she is the number one priority in his life. And yet I don't think anyone ever expects a woman to make a man her number one priority. That's like the worst thing a woman could do by today's society standards.

So you're, you're, they're tapping into something that's pretty sensitive here, which is, uh, I'm a man and I feel a certain way emotionally, and here goes, I'm gonna let it out, I'm gonna share this, which is a big step for every guy because we all know Oof, be careful, dude. And so we do it and we say, you know, I kind of feel like I lost my place in the family here. It's, you and I were such a great couple. We were best buddies, we were lovers, et cetera. And we have kids and I feel like I've lost you as a wife and I've lost my place. And that's a big deal. And to get back from our loved one and society in general, just shut the fuck up, you big baby. It's, you know, it's exhibit number whatever, 922 for our emotions aren't— they're not taken seriously. They're— you got to wonder, what's the origin of this? Is it just the fact that we've been this patriarchal monster for so many generations that we've been seen as, you know, that we don't have emotion, that we've been this boss? You know, everyone makes fun of the boss, everyone belittles the boss. He's still the boss, so to speak. So we've been the boss for so many generations, and that's starting to even out a little bit. And so it's, it's in a way kind of a societal getting back at us, if you will. Look at him with his feelings. I don't know. But it's, it's a very real phenomenon. And it's one that a lot of men report is that when I stuck my neck out, when I rolled over and exposed my belly, there was hell to pay. And so what I've learned is don't do that again, dude. And so when we hear from a lot of our women, men just need to 'Open up,' and 'We need to stop with this toxic masculinity,' and all this other stuff, we just go, 'Where do you think that comes from?' A lot of the time it comes from the women in our lives. We heard it from our girlfriends, our wives, our sisters, and this didn't— you know, these stereotypes don't just fall from the sky. This whole, you know, 'Close up your emotion, be more stoic,' that came from somewhere, and it usually comes from the women in our lives.

I, and one thing that I wish that a lot of women understood, because I can definitely relate to, especially after having kids, the very, very common phenomenon of getting touched out, getting overwhelmed, losing your libido and things becoming different. That's all very common, very normal, and can absolutely be worked through by most people. But I think that there's kind of like this disconnect often because men are not, not the most romantic communicators, I guess I'll put it that way, is I wish that women knew that the intimacy that men crave doesn't always have to be sexual. And I think that's where the undue pressure we put on ourselves comes from is that we often are like, oh God, I'm like so stressed because he like wants to do this thing. And I don't want to necessarily do that. And, and I think that they would be surprised to see to see that even if you are not in a place where you can do that all the time with as much frequency and vigor, because you are stressed out with this new baby and who's always grabbing on you, and sometimes you don't, just don't wanna be touched, but like those intimate moments of still sitting together for a movie of like making time together to hold hands or give him a back rub like that, just a gentle touch on his face of like, thank you for all the hard work that you're doing. Oh my God, could save a life, to be honest.

Are you kidding me? Yeah, the clouds would open up, the sun would come down, the angels would sing, and he would do anything and everything for you. That's all it takes. And I mean, as sad as that is, that is all it takes. Grab husband by face and just go, I see you, I appreciate you, everything you do. And by the way, you look really handsome in that shirt today. He will remember that for years, and I'm not exaggerating. And he will say, I remember February 12th, 2024, my wife told me I was handsome in the kitchen. And he walked with a little pep in his step the rest of the day. It's silly, but it's so rare that it has a lot of meaning. And coming from the woman we love, holy shit. Yeah, absolutely. Let's go to some comments here, if I may. All right. Do, do, do, do. Keen here says, Keen from YouTube. Welcome, Keen. Wanted to ask how to deal with resentment when trying to fix a dead bedroom. She is coming around after implementing the strategies from the Dead Bedroom Fix, but I'm still resentful. Well, buddy, do you want to fix this or not? It's kind of like a very major league version of this is, You've discovered one of you's had an affair, and both of you have agreed we're going to work on this relationship. You went to the counseling, you went to the— and every therapist will tell you the same thing. He'll look to the one who did the affair, the bad guy, let's call them, and say, all right, bad guy or gal, you're gonna have to be patient with the other person as they go through this. It's going to take a while. They're not just going to snap a finger and suddenly get over it, right? And you, the person, the victim, the good girl, good guy, whatever, You're gonna have to stop going back to it and regurgitating it and throwing it back in his face every time you get pissed. You got to stop with the, oh yeah, well, you screwed that woman, you know, 2 years ago. You have to put it behind you. It's okay to have the feelings you feel, but you got to move past it. Do we both agree we're going to move past this? So that's a very major league version of what you're talking about here, Keane. You got to move past this. You want to fix it or not? You can't be putting in all this work and then watching her get better and coming around and just go, yeah, but for the last 3 years, you haven't— it doesn't get you anywhere. It just, you know, makes you pissed off, and it just puts you back to, you know, step zero, and you got to start all over again. Um, you know, I— it— but these things are so multifaceted and complicated. What is it that caused this? Did she in fact do some bad stuff that caused your resentment? Did she really, really step over the line at some point? Did you really step over the line? Who knows? Or was it just a matter of like what Lauren talked about? Was it kids came into the picture, libido dropped, romance went out the window for a couple years. She was very touched out, stressed out, anxious. I've talked to some men where the wife, you know, had to go to inpatient care because she was so stressed out and had to go become medicated and all kinds of stuff. Well, that's certainly gonna have an effect on your attachment to your partner and all kinds of stuff. So these are complicated things, but it's just one of those things, buddy. You gotta make that decision. You're gonna get you get past it or not. And if you're like, I don't think I can, that's perfectly valid to say, I don't know if I can get past this, whatever this is. And that's where you shake hands as adults and go, we both know this ain't gonna work. I'm sorry, I'd love for it to, but I've, I've, you know, given the old college try and it ain't working for me. I don't know, what do you think, Laura?

Yeah, it's so interesting because now that I've been doing the whole advocate thing for a good— it's almost 3 years at this point, and I talk to different men all day, every day in my emails. And I don't specifically coach the way that you do, but I read my emails and I hear stories like this all the time, which is why I'm really glad that I now own your book, The Dead Bedroom Fix. Still not done with it, but very, very useful because it's such a common situation and it, it's almost the same timeline every time. It's, and it's interesting how there's always big similarities where it's almost a couple of years into marriage, kids, dead bedroom. And even I was there, even me, even the celebrity myself was at a point where I was like, oh my God, like, what if I never want to sleep with my husband again? I was, I was scared because I could see how it was affecting the relationship. I could feel the sadness, the fear. I was losing the connection, and I was like, at the very least, I knew I didn't want to be there. And I think that that was what hugely helped pull us out. But it's— what's interesting is while there's these huge commonalities, it's almost the same timeline, every situation is a snowflake, just like every custodial situation. While it's very common for people to have a kid but not work out, they all look so different. But I, I will say from a woman's perspective, it's— you're really— and it's very similar to a cheating situation where it's never going to get better if the, the person who either cannot be physical with you or has cheated— I hate to compare the two because they're such different— one is a crime and the other one isn't. But, but you have to want to make a difference. If you cheated on someone, you have to want and really, really care to prove to them that you're loyal, to make changes in your life. And, you know, if you're in a situation like mine where you recognize the bedroom is dying, the— we are not being physical, and like somehow it's escaped me You have to do the research. Like, I, I went and like read things. I Googled like, what do people in this situation do? You know? And I, but I, it's kind of like what you said. If you reach a point where the other person just doesn't care to try, that's the point. As long as both people care to try, you can keep going. You have something to work with. You got two cooks in the kitchen still. But if the other person's not trying, that's kind of the—

yeah, it takes two to tango. Sounds clichéd, but you can't do it all by yourself. And Keen follows up with, I do want to fix it, and I try to will myself past it, but it doesn't really work. I feel like I need some strategies to get past it. And it being all the resentments that you have. Um, well, maybe you want to, as I often say, flesh that out a little bit further. What are the resentments based upon? Just based upon being rejected for so many years? I mean, that's not going to get any shame here. That would be good. Would, you know, cause a lot of resentment.

Or it's probably less the resentment that they're not having sex. And it's probably more the resentment that there's not an effort to even try.

I mean, you know, what's funny is that In my book, The Dead Bedroom Fix, like the first, there's a whole section about be her lover, which is a persona that a lot of men forget, which is, you know, be more romantic and the kind of guy that, you know, turns women's heads and that guy, the guy that got her hooked in the first place. And presumably, and one of the things is the most basic, which is get in shape. Now, with that being said, there's a lot of people saying, dude, I tried that. Didn't get me anywhere. And you know, I look like a Greek god and the wife hasn't even batted an eye. Well, okay, so that's— move on to the other steps. It's just one thing. But for some people, they say, holy crap, I've lost 70 pounds. I look a lot better. And suddenly my wife is handsier. Suddenly my wife is complimenting me. Suddenly she wants to join me at the gym. And suddenly things are better all because of this. And what's funny is for some, that builds resentment in the man because he says, all this time, all these years, She never loved me for me. All these years, you know, here I was presenting myself. Sure, I had this fat suit on, so to speak, 70 extra pounds and all those other health issues and sleep apnea and everything else and type 2 diabetes, but she, she should have loved me regardless. And now I suddenly look so much better and I'm getting attention from others, and suddenly she comes to life. Now I just resent her more because of that. It's like, well, the poor woman can't win then, can she? You're gonna— you're just looking for, you know, excuses to be resentful. So, Keane, again, we don't know the details here, but, um, strategies to get past that resentment— what if it's maybe building a new you and a new life together in terms of building new positive memories, new, you know, new escapes and getting away and trips together and so forth, where this previous years of resentments and dead bedroom, presumably or just kind of looked at as the past, like it's just something that was a not so good chapter in our life, but look where we're at now type of thing, as opposed to continuously looking back, looking back, looking back. Put that behind you and build something new if possible. May not be possible.

One thing that's helped me out in the past when it's come to like battling resentment issues, right? Because I won't click, I, of course, I would not have the, the place to speak on what I do about relationship issues if I had not had my own in the past as well. I feel like I've probably had every— I've probably had every single issue that most modern women in long-term relationships have had with a man. Like, I relate to everything down to when women say things like, I shouldn't have to worry about asking nicely because I shouldn't have to worry about asking. I've had the exact same arguments. But, but one thing that, that has really helped me and I think would probably help other people in the situation of battling resentments no matter where they're at, is getting into a habit, like an active practice of gratitude. So for example, if I'm walking around the house and I'm like, oh, he left this dish out and it's so grimy and gross, it's probably been here for a couple days and he knows that I hate this, I'm so mad about this, I'll acknowledge what's happening. I'll acknowledge the snowball and I go, "Ah, da da da. Think about what he has done though. Like, really try to think and notice. Think outside the box. When's the last time you even changed a light bulb, dude? Like, I can't even remember. I could not tell you the last time I changed a light bulb in my life, okay?" I'm like, "You just watched this man load like a bunch of heavy stuff into this dumpster. He just did this." And then I practice that. I practice where the efforts are taking place. And it gets you in a, to a completely different headspace.

Yeah.

But it, it takes being the kind of spouse, no matter where you are, husband or wife, to recognize when you're getting into like, ah, I'm doing the thing that they pointed out that is bad. When I do this. It takes a lot of strength and courage to get there. But the pride that you feel when you build these habits, when you start to recognize yourself as the kind of partner who's like, oh shoot, nope, nope, nope, this is a thing that bothers them and hurts them and annoys them and makes them feel bad. I can redirect this. I can go a different place.

Now, what you're describing is— what you're describing is concerted effort, work. Recognizing, oh, I'm going down the wrong path here. Turn around, go this way. Um, people hear that and just go, well, it shouldn't have to be work. It should just come naturally. You shouldn't want to do the— no, you're not living in the real world here. There's, um, my, my philosophy around this is based upon my years of doing this and research and reading and everything else, is that there's a very real phenomena which is the— there's nothing nefarious or evil about it. It's just natural, which is when you get together and you fall in love and you procreate and you make sure the baby is alive and healthy and able to fend for itself and everything's good, there's a very real tendency for people just to kind of drift. Like, okay, our job is done. In other words, they're no longer romantically connected. And so it takes, quote, work to go, no, No, pull us back together, you know, don't drift, don't. Um, and what, what you're seeing with the— and we see examples of this fleshing out and symptoms of this phenomenon with such as a man saying, I feel like I'm forgotten, and the wife saying, go fuck yourself. That's a super extreme version of, yeah, this is a natural phenomenon, you beat it, dude. Um, and we also see this in the form of men, well, not getting any nookie here, and they start looking elsewhere. And then the market has responded to this in the form of pornography, sex workers, and so forth, saying, here you go, dudes, we recognize the need, here you are. And it's out there. So we can very easily, both of us drift apart. You gotta put in work to bring it back together, or else it just so easily dissipates. I mean, how many older couples do we know? They've been together 60, 70 years, everything's great. Is it really? It's— they live together, they're roommates, they drifted decades apart. There's not a hint of romance in there or whatever, but they're with each other because they need to be with each other. She has no choice. He has no choice. So they say that's why they're together. It's not the most romantic thing in the world. So, you know, I always kind of roll my eyes when people are like, my great-great-grandparents were together for 90 years, whatever. And yeah, I'm sure it wasn't heaven on earth. But anywho, I digress. It takes work and that's what we're talking about. It's no, it's no walk in the park.

It's— my husband has pointed out a really interesting way of looking at this phenomenon you're describing because it's so true. We see in the Disney movies and the romance movies all throughout our life growing up, like, you meet the single person, you fall in love, you court, you get married, you have a baby, you hit the finish line. And then what? My husband just burst into fist pump because he loves— Dude, my rom-com theory. He loves his rom-com theory. And this is it. And he's so right about this. And this is how I know I married a long-term partner and not just the goal, the Hallmark movie end scene, roll credits, we're done here. People don't know what to do after that. They're like, okay, we accomplished all of the checkboxes. Now who am I and what is my direction? And my husband views real enduring love as not the main couple in the rom-com, but the like old Italian 80-year-olds you see, yeah, screaming at each other every other scene. The background characters. He's like, "I want to know their story. I want their advice. That's who I want to be." Because we never hear about this cute couple after this, but I want to know what's going on in this house. That's who I want.

Well, it's because that real stuff, the old Italian— pardon me— the old Italian couple yelling at each other with their hands in the background. It's not the sexiest thing in the world, and it's not the— exactly, doesn't sell a lot of tickets. But what does sell a lot of tickets is that initial romantic honeymoon stage, falling in love. Um, like I say, it's Mother Nature's way of making you two bond together and make more human beings, and it's a wonderful thing. There's nothing better on the planet Earth than that moment, falling in love with somebody and consummating the relationship, the courtship phase and everything else. But For 99.99% of us, it fades. And then what is the question? And, uh, you want to get that back. I always say like blips on the radar. You can't have it back at that consistent level of the honeymoon stage for the next 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 years. Some people argue we have. Well, great, you're an anomaly. For most of us, no, it comes in blips. It's— and then that trip away, away from the kids, and then that awesome birthday surprise. And da da da da da, we have these little blips, but you have to endure the in-between the blips. It's not easy.

Like, we're so close to what we really need. You know, we're seeing more diversity in Disney characters. We're starting to see cartoon characters that have divorced parents or stuff like that. But what we really need to see is we need to see like, the Disney princess marries the prince and then he gets a back injury at work and has to be out of work for 6 months.

Can you imagine?

You know what I mean? Like, so that the children can see the real enduring love, we need to see like they fall in love and then they have a bankruptcy issue. You know, they have to, they have to go without Wi-Fi for a The princess gets an autoimmune issue. Yes. Yes. Like, but the fact of the matter is like people don't talk about this. My husband is loving this.

Those characters are the parents in rom-coms.

They're like backup characters, but they need something that keeps them busy so that the teens can get in trouble. Right, like you see it in the story. It's the enduring love, but it's always background. It's an enduring love. Silly detail that like eventually gets the couple where they need to go. Wait a minute, so wait, the main character's mom's stuck by the dad throughout cancer and that's just like a subplot? It's how they got—

how the kids were able to get into so much trouble because there weren't any parents able to keep their eyes open. Yeah, I'm kidding, you got a whole thing here. I like it.

And he's off.

And he's off. He came in, dropped some wisdom, dropped some bombs, and left. Okay, cool. That's what he does. Um, here— oh, here's a good question. Um, I don't want to miss any of these comments because they're coming in. Uh, Phil says, what are your thoughts on women studying at the University of TikTok— I like it— and self-labeling their partner as a, quote, narcissist in order to avoid accountability for their and damaging the relationship. Well, Mr. Phil, let me just say this. In the— well, to be fair, I run a Facebook page, TikTok, and so forth directed mostly to men. And so I get— most of my comments are from men. And I hear the narcissist thing from men all day, every day about their ex-female partner. So this isn't limited to the women. Trust me, buddy. I hear it all the time. The phrase narcissist, it got out in the lexicon. I don't— I mean, it's always been there, it's been there forever, but for some reason in popular culture it's out in the zeitgeist, as they say, and I hear it all the freaking time. I don't know where that came from, I don't know why it took off so much, but it's out there. And yes, it's a way overused term. Everyone has narcissistic tendencies to some degree, like on a scale of 1 to 10 You may be a 1 and it's barely noticeable. You're fine. Who doesn't have, you know, 1 to 3? Maybe when it gets to like a 5 and above, then you got a problem. Now, as far as a real diagnosed narcissist, there's a personality disorder called narcissistic personality disorder. It's part of the Cluster B segment of personality disorders, and you have to meet certain criteria to qualify. And no, I would presume that 99% of the people that the TikTok nation are calling narcissists are in fact not narcissists. They're just assholes. You don't have to be a full-blown narcissist to be an asshole, but it's just a term that took off. And now, as far as they're avoiding their own accountability, and there may be something to that, I'm sure, or is this just a trend? I don't know, beyond just a little simple popular trend that's taking off and people are just overusing the term. I don't know, what do you think, Lauren?

Uh, I will say I agree that narcissist can be pretty overused. I think a better way of doing it is, um, similar to my— how my mom would say to me and my sibling, you can't call each other stupid, but you can tell each other that what you're doing is stupid. And I was like, okay, that's fair, I can— I accept this. So it's like, maybe don't call everybody a narcissist, but you can absolutely point out when what they're doing is a narcissistic absolutely. I think that's a fair middle ground. As far as the University of TikTok goes, that is so valid. That's a thing that the, the, it's these, the, these women empowering women groups have truly turned into women enabling women groups. And it's become these female-only echo chambers where it started off really well-intentioned. I even enjoyed many of these spaces throughout my life, but it develops to these points of where, yeah, accountability is just removed and it becomes these Olympics of like, how can we just blame men and the patriarchy on everything so that we don't actually have to face the inappropriate behaviors that we are literally enabling each other? And some of the things that I hear in these spaces are so severely unhinged. Let me know if you've heard of this one yet. The new one that us girlies are teaching each other, which is overall going to do so much more harm than good, especially in an economy where 7 out of 10 wives make as much or more than their husbands. The new thing is, if he asks you to pay 50/50, he hates you. Okay.

Little less—

this is what we're telling each other, and it's a little extreme.

Yeah.

But it's, if you Google it, you'll see. Unironic. This is not like something they're saying to troll or be facetious.

So a first date, I assume first date.

No, like ever.

Ever. Oh, okay. Well, all right.

No, yeah, it's the belief is like, you know, but here's the thing.

There's so many little instances like that where I can go online and men Men send me videos all the time. Can you believe this woman said this? Can you believe this? And I'm like, this is Candace, the 20-year-old from Idaho, posted some video on TikTok saying da da da da da. And sure, 30,000 women, you know, commented and they agree, but so the F what? You know, there are lunatics everywhere. There are assholes everywhere. I don't associate with these kind of people. If I ever for some reason stumble upon them in my life, I do I just go, "Nice to meet you," and I move on to something else. I don't— yeah, I try not to get so hung up on all this stuff. Otherwise you go nuts, as you know, trying to, you know, every little negative thing you see. And we talked about this before, the vocal minority. You know, it's— you'll post a video and you'll get 100,000 likes, but you'll get 300 negative comments, and we tend to focus on those 300 negative comments and go, "Oh man, maybe they got a point. Maybe I am really bad." I'm really bad at this. Maybe I did make a stupid— You don't realize you have 100,000 people that just clicked like and then went about their way. The vocal minority is the one that sticks out. And unfortunately, the vocal minority also has a dumb phone with a camera on it and they can record whatever the hell they want. And sometimes those things take off and everyone says, see, all women are this. See, all women— No, there's just, I don't know. It's kind of like I hear a lot of men come to me with, how come you don't have more anti-feminist feminism stuff. I was like, because I don't give a shit. I just don't. I don't. It's just not in my purview. It's not my world. I don't, I don't associate with, you know, this militant feminist types that all men are bad and all men should die and yada yada. So stop sending me the videos. I don't care. I'm sure there's lots of those whack jobs out there, but it's so funny, the more when you just finally go, I don't, I don't care, I don't see that stuff anymore, it just ceases to exist. It just doesn't come into your world anymore. It's kind of like politics. I stopped following that years ago. 'Did you see what Governor So-and-So said?' 'No, I don't care. It doesn't— has no impact on me whatsoever. I don't give a shit.' And my life is that much better for it. So just food for thought.

Um, those are the chronically online women. There's— and there's a big difference between chronically online.

Yeah.

And chronically online. Yeah.

Uh, Bill says, 'I think that's the problem. Our life It's too easy. Primitive man would have faced so much adversity, and through that adversity, we would cling to one another. Now we have drifted apart. We've become self-centered because we don't have a reason to rely on one another. Um, community is a big thing.

I think there's a lot of facts in that.

Yeah, absolutely. Which is— community is huge. Community is huge for mental health, for everything, you know. Um, and a lot of women have a point when we have this, um, phenomena of the way overwhelmed mother, professional mother, career mother, and she comes home and she's got all these kid— the kid issues, the house issues, the work, and she's just about to explode. That's a very real thing. Um, and a lot of women make the point of, back in the old days, I would have had Aunt So-and-so, Cousin So-and-so, Grandma So-and-so all living on the same block, if not the same house, and we all as a community helped each other. But I, because of my career, dumbly moved 1,000 miles away. Now I have nobody here, and I got to pay $10,000 a month in childcare, whatever the hell it is, and, uh, it sucks. I, you know, I wonder if we will see a trend where people, community becoming more and more intertwined. I don't know, we're going to see the, the return of like what, hippie communes and stuff like that as people try to work together and grow their own veggies and all have sex with each other or whatever those people do. But could get interesting. I don't know, but, uh, you're pointing out something, Bill.

Followers like that.

Yeah, um, but you're getting to something, Bill. Yeah, it's, uh, we're drifting apart, becoming all self-centered. I don't need nobody. Yeah, you do. We all do. And like I say, one, one of the, one of the pillars of mental health is socializing with other people. Um, it's— it literally drives us nuts if we don't have other people to socialize with in our lives. That's why, um, what's it called, in prison when they isolate you and they take you away from the prison population and put you in the one cell all by yourself with the walls and no windows and everything. It's torture. And, uh, some countries actually outlaw that. They say it's torturous because it drives you nuts. And, um, so, but a lot of men, for whatever reason, pride ourselves on, I don't need friends, I certainly don't need a girlfriend, I don't need nobody, I'm all by myself with my dog in the woods. It's like, not a healthy place to be. Then you end up being a Unabomber.

Yes. I'm, this is why I'm very vocally opposed to the MAGTOW movement, if you're familiar. Um, Men Going Their Own Way, if you've never heard of it, is what it essentially stands for. And it's basically the idea of like, dating sucks. Like they get so blackpilled or basically just down about the whole situation. They're like, you know, what is it they always say? Like 90% of women are sleeping with the top 10% of men. There's no point anymore. I'm just getting out of here. And I'm like, please, please don't. That is really— that is so bad for you. That is extremely unhealthy. You are going to spiral so fast, as any of us would if we cut out an important 50% of the population that we need to balance us, quite frankly. I saw a comedian the other day who was like, men and women are not equal because equal means the same. And pretty much my favorite thing about women is that they aren't men.

Well put. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. But it's true. And unfortunately, even though there's not a word for it, like, like fǔgǔ tào, like females going their own way, even though there's not a labeled organization, that's essentially what a lot of women are doing with their ideologies and mentalities about we don't need men, we can live without men, we really don't need them. And truly, some of the most controversial videos that I've ever put out there are when I've made, when I've tried to answer the question of why do women need men? If I ever even so much as imply like, well, of course we need each other. Ooh, I rustle some feathers. Feathers. I— the people get so mad at me, and I'm like, it's so crazy to me that you're livid at the concept that 50% of the world relies on the other 50% of the world.

I mean, but, um, you know, try to empathize with the people. Over generations, it's been the case where a lot of women have been in relationships that they really don't want to be in, but what the hell else am I going to do? You know, I need somebody to father my children, put a roof over my head, and provide for me. And now that the tables have kind of turned, and you pointed out the women are out-earning men, beating us in the universities and all this other stuff, now it's time to flex our muscles. Now we don't need them anymore. Well, we don't necessarily mean need, need in terms of survival, you know, need in terms of feeding me and putting a roof over my head, but we do need each other and a lot of other, I guess, softer ways, if you want to look at it that way. Um, and there's nothing wrong with saying that. We, we are, as a species, the human animal— and I've mentioned this before in other videos— cross-culturally, I don't care what tribe you're from or Wall Street, wherever, anywhere in between, for the history of mankind, we tend to pair bond with another human being. And we tend to say, "You're mine and I'm yours, and let's get together and do this." Now, that may not necessarily translate to full, like, sexual fidelity and stuff. And, you know, people sleeping around with other people, people having, um, uh, polygynous societies where one man with many women— that's a very common thing throughout history. But still, they— those— even those with those deviations, they will still say, "But that's primarily my partner there." I'm with her and she's with me. Why? Because we kind of need each other to go through life. This life thing is tough. And I need somebody to not only help procreate and make some babies with, but just go through the everyday machinations of life. This thing is tough. And somebody to be there emotionally and everything else and help care for me, be my friend, be my lover. As much as we want to deny it and go, I don't need it. Well, the, the, the science, the data seems to show otherwise for the history of mankind. So you, you're fighting something that's very natural.

Exactly. I mean, even when you take lesbians, right, you'd be pretty hard pressed to find lesbians who do not have any men who are important in their life. I cannot think of a single woman who is just absolutely free from all men and does not care about a single man. No matter what, even if you're not using the man romantically, we all have brothers, cousins, fathers, uncles, co-workers. I was like, is that me or you?

That's me. Spam call. So yeah, so there's something to the whole, well, this is a contract controversial topic, the sexual dynamics. Men and women bring different things to the table, and we all help each other out, not necessarily just in a romantic relationship, but overall society. Overall, men tend to do fill in the blank, women tend to do fill in the blank. It's not a bad thing. And then, you know, I walk into a— I posted this not too long ago. You walk into a daycare center, you bring your child, and all the daycare workers are men. What do you think about that? And the majority said Oh, that's fucking weird. I don't know about that. I don't think I would like that. I'd turn and take my kids out of there. It's like, well, how interesting, just because all of them are men. It's like, yeah, that's— it's not a natural profession for a man. We're not wired in that way, so something has to be weird about those men to want to do that. And versus—

I've had to change my mind on actually, because when I first started doing this and I was like, you know, I would like to really advocate for You know, issues that are pretty unfair to men. And I was like, you know, I saw a poll and it was something like, you know, most men, most women would not feel comfortable with a male daycare worker. And I thought like, wow, isn't this like so shocking? Like we're, we're so upset that there's not enough male influences. And yet here we are outright rejecting them because why? What they, they can't change diapers apparently. And even when I worked at a place with early childhood education center, the men were not allowed to change diapers and it put undue labor on the women, but they were making as much as the women while doing only partial labor. And I was like, this is really unfair to both men and women, but everyone disagreed with me. They were like, no, it's not. We don't want men touching our kids.

Wow, interesting.

Men and women.

The underlying sentiment is that men are this, I guess, out-of-control sexual creature to the point where our kids are even in danger of being— but, you know, statistically, who are the majority of sexual offenders, child molesters, and so forth? I believe the crime stats do show men. So I guess people have a point there. But still, as a dude, it's It's difficult to hear. And not the nicest thing in the world.

It's like, what do you do as a society? Like, we as women, we want to complain like, well, there's not enough male teachers. And like, we're all stuck in these childcare jobs. But it's like, okay, but everyone's voting against men being there. So what do we even do then?

Can't have it both ways. Can't have it both ways. Let's see what other— by the way, it's It's already been an hour. I don't know if you have a time limit, you need to be out of here by a certain time or anything, or—

We can keep chatting for a while.

Okay, good, cool. Yeah, I'm available as well. Thank you for that. Thank you, thank you. Let me see what we're missing here. While the overstimulated mom is definitely a thing, many women unknowingly overstimulate themselves. Thank you, Donald. There are quite a few things that a lot of mothers see as quote vital that just aren't, and they drive themselves crazy about them. Amen, Donald, my man. Yes. Um, I can't tell you how many times my wife has gone on and on about, I just have to do this and I just have to do that and I got to get home and I got to do— and I just sit and look at her and just go, who the F told you you had to do all that stuff? Like, I'm here, I'm hearing a lot of volunteer shit that You know, as my personality being the way it is, let's say I go to some kind of parent-teacher meeting or something and they go, any volunteers for— my hand is not going up because I already have plenty of shit on my plate. I don't have time for anything else, period. So would you like to make cookies for our— no, that's next guy. Sorry, I don't— my day's completely taken up. While a woman would be like, yes, yes, yes. And you're just looking at her like, When do you have time for all this shit? And sure enough, she's pulling her hair out that night going, I can't believe I have to make 36 dozen cookies. You don't have to. No one told you to do all that shit. But it's— is it a personality trait thing? Women tend to be more high in openness, which means they're less likely to say no thank you, I don't want to do that, because they don't want to be seen as bad. That tends to be women more so than men. Men tend to be more disagreeable. They just feel there's a societal pressure to be super mom.

Um, this is, it's a little bit of kalamet, and like, this is one of those things where it's a little bit of patriarchy because yes, we were the domestic engineers primarily for so long that it's pretty much built into our bloodstream that we have to wash the baseboards. And for men, it's just not a natural part of their identity in the same way, but This is something that we as women need to work together to deconstruct within ourselves instead of perpetuating that competition. Like, a great example of this was just when I started to really realize, like, man, we as women have a huge problem, was when one of my first womansplaining videos went viral. And in this video, I'm like walking around the house talking about like, oh, here's some stuff my husband does, but like, this is what it means. And it was all supposed to be pretty silly.. But as a consequence, it was like 7 million people got to see the inside of my house. And that particular day I had cleaned. There was no dust or dirt or mud, but I have a lived-in house with kids for sure. And the hyper criticisms that I was getting from predominantly women who were like, I could never live in this house. Oh my God, it's so chaotic. Why does she have a random bottle of NyQuil next to the keys? Oh, this is so horrible. I would like tear my hair out. And I'm like, wow, there's really nothing wrong with my house. It's so perfectly livable and it simply has some character. You're like, you would probably divorce me because I kept a bottle of NyQuil out on the counter. Instead of the medicine cabinet. That's, that's a huge problem. And not just a problem for men who are humans, but also a problem for ourselves because we're putting so much undue stress and anxiety trying to impress people that we don't need to be impressing. Like, at first I could feel myself starting to be upset by it, as I had been my whole life, of like, oh my God, I have clean my house and I have to do so much better. And, you know, I do have to put all this extra work into it. And then I was like, no, I don't. I could just fucking ignore these people. And that's a way better choice as a woman. That is a way more empowering choice than listening to my sisters in arms trying to tell me, you don't clean your house up. I have better things to do with my time. And I'm sorry that you value yourself so little that you will refold towels instead of going out and doing something you like.

Yep. Amen.

Fix that part of yourself. You're making yourself miserable.

Exactly, exactly. So it's, it's the combination of maybe an innate level of anxiety that maybe a lot of men don't have, combined with, man, the, you know, the sisterhood. You guys beat each other up. When one of them fails a little bit, they all just jump on them and just say, you you're a bad mother because of— yeah, we talk about men don't feel like we can emote about some things. There are some verboten topics that women dare not bring up that are very real, very normal, very healthy things to talk about. But it is known women do not discuss it. You just don't do that. And one of them is if you're a new mother, for example, and you don't necessarily feel a lot of attachment to your newborn. Like, you know, everyone doting over, I love this child more than anything in the world, I would kill for this child, and my— I've never been more in love with this. Well, some women genuinely look at that little one and go, not feeling it. And it may take them 3, 4, 5 months or a year before they finally hormonally even out and yada yada, and then they're like, okay, I feel better now. But you'll never hear a woman say that unless it's some kind of anonymous survey or something, and then you'll notice, wow, the percentages are actually pretty high for— want to talk about the the sisterhood coming after him for something like that. Yeah, that, the dirty house, dirty house. There's also the pressure these days of, you don't have a career? Oh, really? You're a stay-at-home mother? That's relatively new where women are ashamed for that. But that's out there.

I've seen each other more paying 50/50 now too. You actually pay half of your bills for the lifestyle that you chose to live? Weak. You couldn't find a man to do that for you? Pathetic.

Yeah, see, that's very, that's very foreign to us men, just that, that, that infighting amongst— we really don't have that to that degree. Um, so when we hear something about men are so mean to other men and the toxic masculinity and we keep each other down and we're so cruel to each other, it's like, that exists for sure, but probably not to the degree that you think it does. And I think that's a lot of women kind of projecting their own experiences within their own gender to us men. I was just talking to Coach Jay the other day on our team. We recorded a podcast that a lot of men that we talked to that are new to the world of working out, for example, they'll be very averse to it because they're like, I don't want to go to this meathead gym and all these guys will treat me like some kind of little wimp who's never been there before, and I'll feel very left out. These guys go to the gym and they see the biggest guy there and they go, would you mind showing me how to do that? And the guy just smiles ear to ear and says, buddy, you got it. What do you need? I'm your best friend. Be here tomorrow. You're my new workout partner. And the guy's like, I had no idea that men were this nice. Yeah. There's this, yeah, there's this whole notion that we're all just trying to beat each other up and keep each other down. And it's far from the truth. I mean, I run a men's group, DSO Fraternity, dsofraternity.com. And we're all there just to help each other. And we're all very understanding, open, vulnerable, the whole nine yards. And that exists. You just gotta raise your hand and say, "Help." So if you're a dude out there, don't be shy about working with other men.

That's often our problem though too, is it's like with women, it's like when we're not aggressively tearing each other down, we're like overbuilding each other. Key his car, girly. It's like, oh honey, no. Maybe we move on and we like roast to your ex a little bit, but maybe we don't get ourselves into legal trouble.

Yeah. And Rita agrees, women are downright mean to one another on some of these issues. Yeah, can be. Hello, Rita. Rita's the— she was here for our last one of these that we had that was live. So Um, I'm jumping back up here to the comments. Um, poor Wordsmith. Wordsmith is a regular— pardon me. Um, we've watched the trials and tribulations of Wordsmith over the last few months. A lot of, a lot of interesting stuff going on in Wordsmith's world. But he says, uh, today's my birthday. Happy birthday, Wordsmith! If I remember right, 43— would it be 43 now? I don't know why I'm remembering. Um, wife's hasn't said happy birthday, no present, no cake, etc. She also got me nothing for Valentine's or Christmas. Yeah, I don't feel loved sometimes. Sucks.

Um, do you get hurt things?

What have you done, Wordsmith? Anything? I know it's, you know, two-way street. Um, we're not telling you to roll over and just say yes ma'am and, and take your lumps and and, and do a bunch of stuff for her. That is a two-way street. But still, good point. Are you setting the tone here? And whatever it is, what it is, um, you don't know Lauren. But with Wordsmith's background, it's multi-year of these two not touching each other. Um, they have 5 children, if I remember right. Wordsmith, please correct me if I'm wrong, um, that they have adopted, special needs children. Very high stress, no connection between the two. And Wordsmith, the last time I did one of these live, which I think was last week, admitted to starting an affair with another woman. Um, so there's a lot going on here, and this is just part and parcel for what he's been going through here, that they basically have drifted apart. And, um, sucks. But what was interesting, Wordsmith, last time we spoke, you said that, uh, um, coincidentally or not you stepped outside of the marriage, and suddenly your wife's demeanor seemed to have improved. And I said, probably because you are not so anxiously hanging on her. She doesn't feel you— right or wrong, that's probably how she perceives it— this guy is just kind of—

I think that in order for people to— I don't want to say, like, have respect for each other. As a couple, but to, I guess, like, respect each other sexually, they have to know that the other person— remind my girlfriend that people are interested in me. Don't do that. That's not the way. But like, like, I, I know for sure my husband can pull Like I know people find my husband attractive and I'm not gonna lie. It, I don't wanna say like it, it keeps me on my toes. It makes me work harder, but like, again, I'm not gonna slack here. It, at the end of the day, my husband has the capability to pull a beautiful woman who could treat him well. And I know that. And so I maintain my position as the most most beautiful, best treating wife. But I think a lot of people, they get really comfortable and they don't really like see that as often. They're not in— I mean, respectfully, most people will not hit on your partner in front of you. They, of course, they're not going to do that. But I, I think that the wife here is probably picking up on something. Something is giving him confidence.

A change in his— a change in his demeanor, a change in, you anything that makes them look a little bit more attractive or something. I don't, you know, who knows? You ladies are much more apt to pick up on those subtle little things and body language and so forth that we don't see. You're just wired in that way. You can instantly, when the guy walks in the door and something's different, you go, something's different, what's up with them? And the guy's like, hot damn, this woman can just, you know, sense everything. That women's intuition, it's a thing, the sixth sense. Um, but you're, uh, oof, you're encroaching on a pretty controversial topic, as you know.

Yes.

Not everyone is wired in that way, where it's when I see my partner being lusted after by others, or if I recognize that they have a sense that they have a level, a value to them that is attractive to others, that in turn makes me more attracted to them. That doesn't apply to everyone, but it applies to enough that we can say, yeah, that's a very real thing. For sure. And there's a, there's a little scenario that I've, I've written about, and I've talked in videos about, which is very real. A lot of men can, can attest to this, which is, let's say you go to some public function, like a Christmas party or something for your office. And you're there with the wife, and you're schmoozing with people and getting introducing the wife to people. And the, the office bimbo, we all know her, comes over, the work comes over and hangs on the husband's arm and says to the wife, "You are so lucky to have a man like this. Are you kidding me? He's so handsome." And then the entire night during the Christmas party, she's just laughing at all of his jokes and, "Ahahaha, and oh, your shirt looks so good on you." And, you know, looks at the wife, goes, "Your husband, doesn't he look good? Did you dress him? He looks so nice." And on and on and on for hours. And then they leave and the wife's just looking at the husband in the car. He's like, well, your friend sure seemed to like you, didn't she? And he's like, what can I tell you? I don't know. And you know what those guys report what happens when they get home? Oh, they have fun. And he's like, I don't know where this energy came from, but holy crap. And I was like, I'll tell you where it came from. Your wife saw that you are in fact a catch and the pretty office bimbo sure seems to like you. And there's nothing wrong with that. That's a very human natural tendency. A lot of men will report the same. My wife put on a new little dress I got her and whoa, she looked woof. And I went into a restaurant and I watched every guy's eyes turn and look at her when she walked in. And women too. I'm like, well, she's pretty. And that made me stand a little taller and realize I got a good thing. And I—

Exactly.

And the next day I bought her something or whatever. And you know, it keeps things alive, keeps the spark alive for sure.

Yes, it's— and that's the healthiest interpretation of, of it. Because, you know, of course what you don't want to become is like, oh, my girl's getting hit on, I gotta keep her close, keep her from going out. Or, oh, this girl hit on my man at Home Depot and now I'm gonna go back there and get her fired. Like, you don't— you don't want that mentality. And you also don't want the mentality of like, oh well, they're getting hit on, so now I have to go on a diet or start wearing luxurious clothes or something like that. That's not the mentality that you wanna have. You know, it's my, my husband and I, if we ever get flirted with, we kind of take that as like a big compliment. Like, that's my man. That's right. He's like, that's my girl getting hit on right there. You know, like as long as you, you have that trust with each other. Of course, obviously it's, it's different here when things are on the rocks. But I have to admit, when there is a loss of attraction or a dry spell, if you're a man who suddenly starts getting attention— and I'm not saying go out and try to get it and try to put it in front of her face— but if you are getting something that is giving you confidence outside of the marriage, typically we will pick up on that.

It's, and it's maybe not necessarily limited to just 'Um, somebody else is showing me some kind of romantic interest. Somebody's checking me out that way.' It's also in terms of you were up on the proverbial stage getting some kind of accolades. A lot of women will report, 'My husband was never sexier than when I went to some company function and he gave a presentation, or he won an award, and he was up on stage and everyone stood up and clapped for him, or he was given some big bonus.' bonus because he was Salesman of the Year or something like that. And I just realized, whoa, he's special, he's different, everyone looks up to him. And the attraction points go up, you know, tenfold because of that. There's nothing wrong with that. So what we're seeing is this just, um, very natural human tendency of this person is wanted, admired, they have status, whether that status is in the terms of professional or sexual or whatever it is, and I'm lucky to have them. That's huge.

Yeah.

That's huge. Let me see. Donald again says, sometimes you have to meet her where she's at. It's not always fair at first. If she's a little neurotic, negative, overstimulated, or whatever, it can be helpful to work to ease what's bothering her to enable her to have a conversation. Try to handle the issues that stress her out so she can calm down. When she's calmed down— and by the way, don't ever tell a woman, just calm down— when she's calm, Maybe a conversation can be had. It may not work for everyone, but it's a start and has proven effective for me. Very good. So, um, yeah, but, but you're getting to something, Donald, where I notice with a lot of, um, oh, male content influencer type guys, it's, um, the women in our lives tend to be more anxious than us, which tends to be true more than not. Not always, but tends to be true more than not. And because of that, they are less than us. Um, oh, these dumb neurotic ladies, these dumb anxious ladies, they can't handle this and this and this. Um, an example of that is, uh, a man saying, my wife has complained non-stop about being a stay-at-home parent, and then we switch roles, and now I've been a stay-at-home parent for the last year, and I love it, and I excel at it, and I'm amazing at it, and I just run this place like a, you know, like an army base. And everything is great. I don't know what she's complaining about. And what really boils down to it is that her temperament, her demeanor, whatever, was such that sitting in a house with 4 little kids and everything else drove her nuts. And she became overly anxious, and it amplified everything. And you, lucky you, are not wired that way. That's, that's all there is to it. Doesn't make her less than you, doesn't make you better than her or whatever. That's just the way you're wired. So Donald's kind of hinting at that. He's like, like, see where she's at with this neurotic, overstimulated, anxious stuff and just try to ease some of that and understand it and have a conversation, as opposed to, oh, you dumb broad and your, your dumb, silly, anxious ways. I'm, I'm the more powerful alpha male, rah-rah dude. He ain't gonna get you anywhere, not in a relationship anyway.

It's, it's tough because I've noticed that like any kind of neurodiversity and neuro spicy nature is generally treated by people at their most baseline lazy thinking as annoying. And we see it with ADHD. We see it with anxiety and like anxiety though, in particular, is very hated by society. Like when I make my videos about, you know, here's things with ADHD that people want you to know, it generally gets a very positive outcome. But when I tried to make a video about, here are things that people with anxiety want you to know, it was poorly received, roasted. Uh, people were like, this just sounds like an annoying, intolerable person to be around. I, this is just the kind of person I would never have in my life. And they have no idea that they're speaking to so many people that way. And it's like, I ended up deleting that video because I got anxiety about it. You know, I will say my husband has developed some like really great skills for meeting me where I'm at with my anxiety, which has become like very useful because while I'm working on, of course, as I mentioned earlier in the stream, recognizing when I'm snowballing, recognizing when I'm starting to stress myself out and make things worse. He, when he recognizes it, for his part, will come in and say, hey, squeeze my hand, or just bring it in, like, sit down, take a breath. Sometimes another really good one is, can I get you some food? Always a big winner. But yeah, that's, that's really good advice, because if you are a person who wants to date women, you will, you will see anxiety.

Yes, welcome to the human race.

Maybe not all of it is that bad like me, but you're gonna get at least a little bit of it.

There you go. And Adnor says that in order to get the rise out of the wife, he would have to outright ask for a number to see his wife, see if she would mate guard, but that's disrespectful. Yeah, mate guarding is the term for, let me do things to get in the way between him and this other potential partner. I'm guarding my mate from other mates out there. He said he'd have to ask for a number in order to get that kind of reaction. And he says, but what about the whole I don't care that he got hit on mentality? Like I said, it's not everybody's wired in that way. Some people are, you know, um, there are women that I've spoken to who are really bothered by the fact that so-and-so hits on her right in front of the, in front of husband, and husband just sits there like Whatever, I don't care. And she's like, doesn't it bother you that this guy just asked me for a number? No, I don't care.

I had to work through this one. This is, I think what this was for me at least, because when I first started dating my husband, I could not make him jealous. I wasn't trying, but just all of the usual stuff that had made every guy that I dated before jealous or uneasy, it did not faze is this man. I would be like, hey, I'm gonna stay out until like 2 AM doing stand-up comedy with a bunch of dudes. And he would be like, okay, let me know when you're home, have fun. And I would— at first I was like, dude, he's like just playing this cool. Surely he is an insecure guy. Like, surely I'm gonna start getting something somewhere. And it just— what, years passed and he just was not that kind of guy. He just felt confident and comfortable with me, and it would bother me. And I'm like, why isn't he doing what everybody else did? Why doesn't he drive past my house to make sure no one's in the parking lot? Why isn't he asking me to turn on my location? Why isn't he going through my friends list and asking me, who is he? Who is he? Who is he? What is going on here? And I realized, oh, that's just trauma. I'm, I'm actually in a healthy, comfortable relationship But I'm used to the chaos.

Yeah.

Of, of other people. And so it's, I promise you, it's a good thing. If I would, even though there was for so long, this part of me that was like, why isn't he getting jealous? This is annoying me. I was eventually had to be like, it is so much better this way than before. Like Lauren, you broke up with guys for Yeah, so Adnor, it could—

the positive spin on this could be your wife is wildly secure about your relationship and she's like, I know, you know, one way of looking at it, I know he's not going to go anywhere with somebody else, but if he did, that's his problem. You know, see you later, Adnor. I have more confidence in myself as his wife to say I'm a pretty good catch. If he does something like that, that's dumb, then Adios, Adnor. Very secure on her part. That could be how she's interpreting all this. Or the more nefarious look at it is, um, uh, F Adnor. I don't care if he finds somebody else. You know, you got to that point in the relationship. Um, there is a— the phenomenon of the woman saying to the man who keeps pestering her for sex, why don't you go get you a girlfriend? If it's that important to you, just go. And the man's like, doesn't she realize what she just said? She just told me to go get my needs met. Doesn't she realize what that means? It's like Well, one of two things. She realizes you ain't gonna get any, dude, which is kind of mean, but I think that's a lot of those. Or it's, if he does go and get some and grows attached to some other woman and leaves me, eh, oh well. That's the more nefarious version of this. And that happens. That exists. Adnor says, more like avoidant. Yeah, that's a very avoidant thing. Rita says, your husband is a secure, confident man. Probably part of the attraction. That's great. There you go. Very stoic, secure man. And again, if you asked him, well, what if you found out that I went home with one of those comedian guys? He'd be like, well, then you'd be out on your butt. I don't know what the problem here is.

Exactly. That's exactly that.

Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, shrug his shoulders. That's how you look at it. It's, you know, when I talk to a lot of anxiousy guys, a little exercise we do is what's What's the worst case scenario here, dude? What are you so concerned about? And the, she may run off with some other guy. Okay. And then what? And then we have to go through the whole breakup thing and yeah, uh-huh. And then what? You know, just keep walking, you know, the exercise of walking through it. In the end, yeah, you'll no longer be a couple, but your insecurity and your hanging on tight like that in such an anxious way is not gonna mitigate any of that. That. If anything, it'll actually exacerbate it and make it more likely to happen. So, um, yeah, that's really self-fulfilling prophecy. There you go. There you go. Uh, anything else, guys, before we wrap her up here? I don't want to keep Lauren on too awful long. We're a good hour and— oh wow, hour and a half into this already. Wow, that went by fast. But thank you all, guys, so very much for all the comments. This has been great. Give it a like if you could, please. Lauren is The Dadvocate. Look for The Dadvocate on Facebook, TikTok, YouTube, not Twitter, Instagram, anything. Oh, Threads. Keep forgetting about good old Threads. And follow her on there. Give her a like, subscribe, a follow, all that good stuff. And then look for me on Dad Starting Over on all of the social media channels. Dad Starting Over. Startingover.com, uh, dadificate.net. Um, let me see. Oh, then, uh, we have— I believe his name was Keen, if I remember right, uh, from YouTube. He ends with, it seems like the reaction to the dude being hit on would be significantly related to how attracted his partner is to him. Maybe, maybe not. Not necessarily. What if she's incredibly attracted to him and incredibly secure? Watches them getting hit on. And you know, this may surprise some of you, um, in, in some relationships, that's actually, um, a turn-on, a positive thing to watch your partner get hit on by others. Some people are wired that way. Some people, uh— oh, what is this? Oh my gosh, that is a big cat. You know what, let me just say this, not to make fun of you, it's a big cat. But I don't think people realize, Lauren, you're a tiny little thing.

Yeah, I'm 4 foot 11.

4 foot 11. How far are you from dwarf status? Are we talking like a few inches? Are we?

I think it's 4 foot 8, so I'm only 2 inches away from needing to drive with a booster seat. And I actually just learned recently my husband has thought for until like a couple months ago when I corrected him. He thought throughout our entire marriage that I was a legal dwarf. He's been telling people that I am.

That you're a little person?

But hey, he's like, yeah, I married a dwarf. Hell yeah, let's go.

So that cat was probably— was that— so that cat was probably like a kitten that was like just a normal, normal-sized cat. That was a, that was a hefty cat there.

That's a 20-pound cat, right?

Wow, nice, very good. All right, well, um, let's wrap her up, shall we? Lauren, The Dadvocate, dadvocate.net, dadstartingover.com. Thank you all so very much. Um, YouTube, I don't know if you saw it, Lauren, my YouTube is taking off. Um, good, uh, thankfully. But you know why? Thanks to you, and a clip from one of our live sessions where Rita, who is on here, Rita asked on there, um, are men really bowing out of marriage, or is that just a fallacy or a myth or whatever? And we talked about that for a while. That video, I don't know, it's at 50-some thousand views in like no time at all. And now I've gotten— now my, uh, my subscribers went from 3,000, which has been nothing forever to now it's like 26,000 in a matter of 2 weeks. And so it, you know, it's going.

Snap, you're 25% to the, to the YouTube, to the plaque. There you go, you're gonna get one.

Maybe I'll get one. If, well, if this—

I want to see it behind you.

The next— if this pace keeps up, yeah, I'll hit it by the end of the year easily. So, but I don't know if this pace will keep up or not, but that video is the number one driver. So, so thank you very much. So guys, check it out, get your shorts up there, use the shorts growth. There you go. And you did— you posted on your YouTube. YouTube has, for the you guys that don't know, has a community function where you can post like pictures and texts. It's like a little forum, whatever. And, um, you posted on there like you had a sudden burst in, uh, subscriber activity on your YouTube channel. And I replied on there, it's because of my— that clip that I had, and I tagged you on that clip. And that's why. So you're welcome. In other Thank you. All right, guys. All right, Lauren, thank you all again so very much. And thank you all you guys for tuning in today. Appreciate you all, and I hope you have a wonderful— well, we're coming to the weekend, so enjoy your weekend, guys. All right, Lauren, thank you, my dear. Have a good one. Bye-bye.