Chat LIVE with Ralph (DSO)!

Hello, hello everyone, welcome! It's your boy Raffalito coming back to you live. It's been a while since I've done one of these by my lonesome. I think the last few of these have been with a special guest. Nothing wrong with a special guest, love my guests. If you would like to be a guest and you're a content creator or expert in some way, shape, or form, please reach out to me. Would love to have you on a live stream to answer questions or interview for the podcast. But anywho, been a while since I've done, uh, just one of these on my lonesome, so good to see you guys, I guess. I don't really see any of you, do I? But, uh, let me bring up my comments here. I have not, um, planned this in any way, shape, or form, marketed it. I just threw it out there, just a live. I got time on my hands. Hey, we got a like, so It's— we're alive, right? Alive, live, you know what I mean. Welcome everyone. Let me make sure all is good here on the— yep, we're good. Cool. Welcome everybody. Um, for those that don't know, my name is Ralph Brewer Brewer. Yes, that's my real name. I wouldn't make that up. I would pick a cooler— trust me, that name has haunted me my whole life. Ralph, it's not the coolest name in the world. I am not, you know, No self-deprecation here. It's synonymous with vomit. You know, when people— Ralph. What else do people say about Ralph? There was a show called The Honeymooners. Before my time. I know I'm old, but I'm not that old. Black and white show with Jackie Gleason and who was— Ed Norton? Is that the other guy? And Jackie Gleason's character was Ralph, or as Ed called him, "Hey there, Ralphie boy." So I had to hear that my entire life. "Hey there, Ralphie boy." My dad's name was Ralph, so I was Ralphie my whole life. Um, Ralphie, i.e., um, so a lot of people still call me that. Uh, yeah, what else is Ralph? It's just a very old-school name that you just don't hear often. Not the coolest name in the world. Something is on my nose and it's bugging me. If it looks like I'm going cross-eyed, it's because I'm staring at my nose. Anywho, welcome everybody. Um, you're watching this on the channel known as Dad Starting Over. I've been creating content in one form or another under the Dad Starting Over name for like a decade now. It's been a while. Started off as a simple blog, which developed into me writing a book, which thankfully took off, and that allowed me to talk to a lot of people, which allowed me to sell my services in the form of coaching or mentoring for a lot of men all over the world, which allowed me to then create more books, which allowed me to create a private community for men only. We created a new, more inclusive brand that goes beyond Dad Starting Over. We started that— it's been a little while now— um, called Help for Men, and you learn more at help4men.com. Notice the thingy above my head here, help4men.com. Oh yes, Jack, thank you. Ralph Mouth, how could I forget? That's from my day, Happy Days, right? With the Fonz and yeah. Anywho, so thank you, triggering memories there. Anyway, help4men.com and our private community we call the HFM Brotherhood, Help for Men Brotherhood. We have all kinds of cool stuff that go on in that group. We have over 700 men from around the world in that group, all the way from the US to Australia and everywhere in between. Australia is actually our number 2 market behind the US. And we do cool things such as have completely private discussions in our forums. We have a public page, for example, on Facebook, which is very popular. I have— I think we're going on 160,000 people that follow me on Facebook. People think that that Facebook page, which some of you are watching this on the Facebook page right now, a lot of people think that that's kind of private, that's a group, it's a special club. No, it's just a marketing page for our organization, my content creation brand called Dad Starting Over. If you want to talk just to men privately, the rest of the world can't see what it is you're talking about, talk to hundreds of dudes like I mentioned all over the world, you want to join our Brotherhood group, HFM Brotherhood at help4men.com. We have the, uh, the private discussion forums. We get together frequently for live Zoom meetings. They're all scheduled. We have a calendar. You can see what all the topics are going to be covered in these live meetings. We record all the live meetings, so if you missed one, eh, no biggie. We have like 1,000 hours now officially of meetings that we've recorded. It's insane. And, um, we have a— just have a podcast that's not very active. Once in a blue moon, we'll record an episode just for our members, the HFM Brotherhood podcast, uh, all my books, um, they're available in PDF format as well as audiobook format. So a lot of audio. So if you're an audio dude, you find yourself listening to podcasts on your phone and audiobooks and stuff, you're gonna love the Brotherhood. Tons of extra audio for you guys in addition to the discussion and the Zoom meetings. And then you can book time with myself, other guys on our team, for mentoring or coaching. If you're a member, it's like half off. Courses, same kind of deal, big discount on courses. Some of the courses are free. All kinds of good stuff. So check it out. Help for men. Um, helpformen.com. Make sure I'm not missing any, uh, messages here. They scroll by slowly on my thingy here. Um, what else is going on? I have been blessed, I guess you could say, to really, really lucky to be, um, uh, contacted by some mainstream media type people. It started with New York Magazine, specifically The Cut, which is an, I guess, online version. New York Magazine is like these different brands. The Cut, the da da da da. The Cut reached out to me. We had an awesome chat with a lady on there whose name is escaping me right now. Uh, wanted to get my take on the subject involving, which I don't ever get into and I don't want to get into here, uh, politics annoys the shit out of me, but for whatever reason she thought I'd be a good person to talk to about divorced men, politics, trends that they're seeing with the upcoming election. So I chatted with them for like a half hour. It ended up in print, and it was like this much of what we talked about was in there. No biggie, cool, I understand, you know, can't devote an article to my— they interviewed like a half dozen other dudes as well. Um, and then, uh, from that, Forbes reached out to me and did a half-hour interview, of which it was all recorded and on their YouTube channel. You can check it out on forbes.com, is probably on there as well. Um, look up, uh, What is it? Divorced men voting for Trump in the upcoming election. And then from that, News Nation reached out to me and I was live on national television. That was pretty cool. You know, the talking heads that they have on there? I was one of the talking heads. So you can see my little bald head on News Nation. Go to News Nation's website, same subject, the upcoming election, divorced men, and you'll probably see me on there. I was just on there for like 5 minutes, but that was pretty cool. Got to reach, you know, hundreds of thousands of people. Who had never seen me before. And I don't know if it's a coincidence or not, but last month was our best month in 2 years. I track, you know, month-to-month membership to our Brotherhood group. Last month was the best month— hard to say— that we've had in the last couple of years. So things are looking good. And so thank you to all of you who watch this, who keep the numbers going. Every time you like— by the way, if you're watching this, please give me a like. Whether it's on YouTube, Facebook. If you're watching this on YouTube, you've seen my material, you're watching this, you're like, I kind of like this dude, let's reward him. I'm not asking for money, I'm asking for a subscribe or a like. That would help me a lot. That tells YouTube like, oh, this, this guy, we should show this guy to more people. Same thing with Facebook, give me a like if you could please, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you guys who've liked already. Um, but anyway, every little bit helps, helps spread the word, and we can help and reach out to a lot of dudes, and I get messages on a daily basis from men that are hurting big time. Um, we have lots of different flavors of hurting because of the book I wrote called The Dead Bedroom Fix. You can learn more at deadbedroomfix.com, go to helpformen.com, go to Amazon, Apple Books, Barnes Noble, Audible. You'll find the third edition is the latest version, number 3, third edition just came out in 2024 of The Dead Bedroom Fix. Well, because of that book, I've reached hundreds of thousands of guys. So I get messages often about the pain they're experiencing when they're very much disconnected from their wife in the bedroom, and it hurts like hell. So they reach out to me for help. We do one-on-one chats all the time with guys about that. And then those guys in turn join our group and talk to hundreds of other dudes. Again, helpformen.com. And, um, the number 2 topic that I hear about— that's number 1, sex and marriage— number 2 topic that I hear a lot about is, uh, infidelity. More specifically the wife committing infidelity, that destroys guys. Don't ask me how I know. Let's just say I know personally. Why am I acting like this is a secret? That's the basis of this whole thing. Dad Started Over. But I went through all that and it wasn't fun, but I've since come out, you know, smelling pretty good on the other side. So guys reach out to me for help in that way. So sex, technically the infidelity thing, it's another sex thing, isn't it? Really, if you think about it. So it's all sex related, the romantic relationship, long-term marriage-related stuff. We're talking to guys, guys going through divorce. They don't want to, but they're going through divorce. Oh, this is a cool little, uh, uh, piece of info. Yesterday, I don't know if he's watching this. If he is, hello Josh. Um, a guy came yesterday to update security cameras in my home, uh, which a couple of them broke and they just needed to be updated. It was nasty. Anyway, um, dude knocks on the door, I answer the door, and he just stares at me. And he's like, "How do I know you?" And I was like, I don't— honestly, I didn't even think about the Dad Starting Over Help for Men thing. And I was like, "You know, you look familiar too," which he did. I think he had been to my house before, twins. I'm not sure, but I had seen his face somewhere before. And he's like, "No, I don't know." And you could see it's really eating at him. And then finally I go, "Well, duh." And I said, "You're not online looking at men's self-help material, are you?" And he goes, Dad started over, and he shook my hand, and he was so happy. He's like, I got the dead bedroom fixed. I love your stuff. I'm like, holy shit. It's like, wow. And, uh, he told me his little story and going through the divorce. Josh, you know, if you're watching this, chin up, buddy. I hope you join our group. I gave him a business card saying join our group. We'd love to have you. So it's kind of cool to see the word getting out, and just, you know, random security dude in middle of nowhere here, Kentucky, who saw my stuff. So that's pretty cool. And, um, I've also been recognized in the Dallas, Texas airport, Louisville airport, and at my local gym. Those are places I— Louisville, Kentucky, Dallas— I spend a lot of time in both places. And I think, like, for example, with TikTok, for example, they show you a lot of material for your local area. So when I'm in Texas, a lot more Texas people see it, and when I'm in Kentucky, and vice versa. So a lot of people at the local gym are like, you've shown up in my TikTok feed a lot. By the way, follow Dad Starting Over on TikTok if you haven't already. But anyway, kind of cool. Um, but we have, uh, Mr. David from YouTube starting things off here. Let me— pardon me here for a moment as I bring this up here so I can read properly. Got this little cable in the way here. Excuse me. Hope this doesn't screw up things. Trying to do this delicately. There we go. All right, start this over. Mr. David from YouTube says, hi Ralph, going through a really rough divorce right now. She cheated, gaslit, moved out abruptly after 13 years. Oof. And your content has been really helpful for me over the last month. Dude, I'm sorry to hear that, man. Been there, done that. Mine— my situation was about 15-year mark. Usually I hear— I don't know why, maybe it's one of those when you buy a red car and suddenly you see nothing but red cars everywhere. My, my marriage ended much like yours, but it was at the 15-year mark. And then I just started hearing everybody saying 15, 15, 15. I'm like, what is going on with this 15-year thing? You know, you hear about the 7-year itch. Um, apparently there's no science behind that. Yours was the 13. Um, I did hear, uh, strangely that there was science behind a number, the 4-year number, and that was with relationships where a couple was with together, you know, monogamously long-term committed to each other. And if 4 years pass and there's no child, I guess some studies show that the chances of separating go up tremendously because it's almost like Mother's— Mother Nature's way of saying like, you guys are supposed to make babies. And then that separation emotionally begins. So kind of interesting. Um, oh, and then Dave, you say you read the Divorce Panic book. Check it out, divorcepanic.com. I buy up all these domains so that people can find my books easily. Divorcepanic.com, or go to helpformen.com, or look for Divorce Panic on Amazon, wherever books are sold. And Red Flags— I don't have redflags.com, that one was taken— but go to helpformen or check it out, Red Flags on Amazon as well. That's a quick read. And you said you read those in one afternoon, and, uh, it's amazing how much it all related to your situation in so many ways. It's interesting, isn't it, David? It's, you can look at it as kind of a creepy thing, an interesting thing, a sad thing, just how similar it really is, the human condition, how similar it is and how much we can, you know, complete each other's sentences. I've told this story a million times that when I first went through basically what you did, David, I went to a therapist, a nice lady, and the one thing that she gave me that really, you know, if she's watching this, what was her name, Amanda? Yeah, if Amanda's ever watching this, thank you. You kind of gave me the springboard into this stuff. And I was a mess. I look back on that, I'm like, holy shit, poor Amanda had to deal with me and my blubbering ways. It was sad. I was just— I was a nervous wreck, stressed out and everything else. And she's like, I got a dude that went through something very similar to you, and I told him your story, and he wants to talk to you. Here's his phone number. He gave me his number to give to you. And so he and I spoke, and to make a long story short, he introduced me to this world of this is so— it's not so common, you know. I don't like put 10 couples and 9 of them went through this, but I don't know, 2 or 3 may have gone through something like this. And, um, how it's not unheard of, and how all the little things that I went through, uh, he also went through, to the point where he was like completing my sentences for me, to the point where I was like, this is kind of creepy and interesting at the same time, like, oh wow. That happened to you too? Oh, wow. And he's like, let me guess, this happened. She said this. Yeah. I'm like, oh yeah, yeah, exactly. So that springboarded me to learning more and more about this, reading more about this, getting more help, therapy. And I got into dating and talking to gals and guys and all about this stuff. And that's what started the Dad Starting Over thing, which eventually led to the Help for Men thing, helpformen.com. I'm going to keep pushing that. Sorry, guys. It's a business. It's an organization. But I'm also here to help dudes. And I got to keep the lights on this, this whole Thing is very expensive. I got a pretty big nut to cover on a monthly basis, let me tell you. But, um, yeah, David, so unfortunately, uh, welcome to the club. Been there, done that. And as you can see through my writings here, just like, holy shit, does everybody go through this? Not everybody, but you get online, you find a lot of us. Um, and Jack, you say one of your uncles was discarded, discarded by divorce after 40-plus years. It was pretty ugly. Oof. You know, I've often said that this whole like the infidelity thing. It's almost understandable, isn't it? It's not nice. It hurts. Don't get me wrong. But it's from a biological standpoint, like, you get it. Because we, we want to connect with other human beings, especially when we're disconnected from our primary partner. To, to say that we're susceptible to connection with others is an understatement. We're wired as human beings for that connection. A lot of people like to throw out this whole notion of monogamy is very unnatural, but if that's the case, through all of recorded history, seriously, every civilization that we know of, their template for, I guess you could say, romantic relationships in life is based on like a monogamous format. One man, one woman. Being primary partners with each other. Now, that doesn't mean strict sexual monogamy. That's, that's the interesting thing. A lot of societies are of the understanding of he's with her primarily, but we'll, we'll look the other way when he knocks up all these other women. Like, some are, you know, arranged in that way. We may not like that, but that's kind of a common thing throughout human history. But he's primarily with this one. So we, we tend to, as a species, want to bond with one person. Now, What we do with our privates after that is another thing, but we tend to want to bond and say, that one's my primary one, right? So, where was I going? I lost my train of thought. So a lot of people like to say it's not the true template as human species to be strictly monogamous. The strict part is probably not so, not so, true for a lot of us as human beings, but it does seem that we want to what we call like pair bond, if you want to use that term, kind of an overused term. The animal kingdom, we notice that animals tend to pair bond with one another. Some do, some don't. And we seem to be more primates, so we seem to be ones that, uh, that do. And, um, I'm missing something here. Um, oh, and Jack's talking about his aunts, covert narcissism and all that fun stuff. Um, Mm-hmm. I'm covering for the fact that I kind of lost my train of thought there. So, where was I going with all that? I apologize, guys. I need more Pepsi. Diet Pepsi. Drink of champions. So it would seem that the relationship thing is— it's difficult. It would seem that through all these difficulties that we're having, does that point to that it's quote-unquote unnatural? If it's not natural, then why is it that all these societies through all of human history tend to want to do this? We call it marriage through a strict ceremony, legal ceremony, and religious for a lot of us, or some kind of ceremony before our peers and our families to show that she's mine and he's mine. And why do we do that if it's So unnatural. And then, um, oh, I know where I was going with this. So the infidelity thing, we can look at as on a biological level somewhat understandable, lack of a better word. Don't beat me up, you know where I'm going with this, right? We— a lot of men especially go, I get it, um, because we have such strong libidos and we do have a strong fantasy life when it comes to other people, but most of us don't act out on that. So, it would be easier to digest if our partners were to come to us and say, look, I did something stupid. I did not mean to hurt you. That was not my intent. I got carried away with yada yada yada, developed feelings, sex, this and that, all this other stuff. I understand if you want to leave me as a result of this. I don't blame you one bit. 'Let's— we'll do all we can to raise the child successfully. I'm so sorry that I hurt you. That was not my intent, blah blah blah.' But that's typically from what I see— you guys can back me up on this, David— it's typically not what happens, is it? It's usually, 'I committed this act and I see that you're hurt. Let me kick you while you're down. Let me further,' as I often use the metaphor, you know, 'shove the knife in into your gut.' a little further and twist it while it's in there. And you're like, why are they being so cruel and mean and sadistic? And, and they see they hurt me. Why are they, you know, further lashing out at me? Why are they trying to ruin my reputation with others? Why are they denying what I see right in front of my face? Why are they rewriting history? And this is why my contention is that often how I look at this is for the men that I attract, certain type of dude and the certain type of women that they seem to attract to them and that they bond with, um, it would seem that the infidelity thing is kind of a tip of an iceberg of not-so-good shit lurking under the surface. And that is further exemplified when this infidelity is discovered and all hell breaks loose and you're like, what is this? What is this crazy person? Well, she's kind of been lurking in there the whole time. A lot of personality disorders. I'm not a psychologist, I can't, you know, diagnose anyone, but we see a lot of borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder. That's way over-subscribed or prescribed to people, whatever the term is. That's very not common, but we see it. Probably more so in the guys and their partners that are attracted to me and my stuff. So it sucks. It would be easier if we had the adult way of doing it. It would still hurt, it would still, you know, we'd still cry ourselves to sleep and all this other stuff, but still it would be easier to digest and easier to expedite the process of healing if it wasn't for the fact that they just seem to want to hurt us so much more on the way down. That's what we can't understand, and that is Exhibit A for they're just very, very broken people. But, and with hindsight, we look back on that and we go, well, duh, of course they're broken people. I saw this all along. Jeez, what was I thinking? Well, you were in love. Welcome to the club. Guys and gals do stupid things for love, right? Um, and then, uh, David says, yeah, you understand the ability to give in to temptation and fuck up. It's the months of the gaslighting. The gaslighting does the thing that you can't understand. Yeah, and there's so much evidence and she would rather just run away from it all than confront it. Well, because what does confronting said evidence do? It, um, she has to, you know, put the mirror in front of her face and, "You're a very broken individual. You're a broken little girl that's done some broken little girl shit, and you've destroyed a family over this. Look." And she's, "Mm." It's much easier to say, "I'd rather not." And sometimes they go as far as to say, "I'd rather not, and in fact, let me recreate all of the past," and just make shit up that makes her not feel so bad. You know, to face all that stuff, can you imagine? Doing that to your family? Can you imagine everyone knowing what you did? Um, it's tough. It's scary as hell. Scary as hell. I know a lot of men that don't want to face their, their demons, so to speak, and they'd much rather brush it under the rug than, you know, look at it. It may be in the form of substance abuse. The guy may say like, yeah, I drink 12 beers a night, but I don't have a problem. You're like, dude, And then wife confronts him and he's like, you know, you're seeing things. There's no 12 beer cans in the trash. That's from last week. She's like, oh, okay, so that's 2 weeks worth. That's not so bad then. He's gaslighting her, in essence. It's kind of what your spouse is doing with you. And then Jack makes an excellent point here, David. And this has been my overall lesson here, is that you as the quote unquote victim in all this, You're kind of— you guys can say the rational one in all this, the one that is not, um, swimming in all of these emotions and thoughts and chemicals that are going on in your, your wife's soon-to-be ex-wife's brain. Um, or is she officially your ex-wife? Let's call her ex-wife. Ex-wife's brain. You can't comprehend that, nor do you want to, because it'll drive you nuts. Like, she's being pulled this way, that way. She's living a lie basically with, you know, recreating things, yet she knows what's the truth, and it's spinning and spinning. And it's nuts. And the more you try to understand it and you're like, I don't get it, what's with the gaslighting, what's with it? Eventually you get to the point of just going like the old dealers in blackjack, I'm out. Like, stand back and go, have fun with your crazy. I can't, this is nuts, I can't deal with this. And so you back away. It's really the only way to heal properly and get over this is to get the hell away from the crazy. You'll never ever, ever understand it, trust me. Hmm. Uh, Mysterio— that's a cool name— Mysterio from YouTube says, do you think that our biological drive for sex, our raging libido as men, in other words, is what gets us in trouble most of the time with women? The reason we men have problems with women is because we desire women sexually. Uh, oh, you mean other than personality-wise? So we, we as men tend to put the sexual aspect of the relationship above that of the softer personality side. Is that what you're saying, Mysterio? Well, I would, um, venture to say not with the men that I talk to. Um, the men that I talk to will usually start our conversation with, here's all the pain that I'm in, Ralph, as a result of this experience with this very broken woman and all this shit that happened to me. And he'll just start rattling off basically all the stuff about, let me tell you how broken this woman is. And I'm just like, sometimes it is freaking scary. And you're like, dude, what were you doing? What is it about her that made you say, I think this is the one? Rarely do I hear she gave me awesome sex, or she was a knockout gorgeous, and I was lucky to be with a woman like that. Once in a blue moon I hear that. Often what I hear is she had a good head on her shoulders. She wasn't overly dramatic and crazy. She was like one of the guys. That's one I hear all the time. I've done a video on that. She was just like one of the guys, and we really clicked intellectually, emotionally. I was safe around her, being, you know, like she's one of my buddies. And that's really what made me say, I think this is the one. She's different from all the others. That different, unique thing, as I've mentioned in the Dead Bedroom Fix book, deadbedroomfix.com, Amazon, Apple Books, Audible. That's a very important ingredient to the whole mating dance. This one's different from the rest of the pack. They're worthy of my attention and time and for men, resources and everything else. So let's, let's give our undivided attention to this one. She's different. So that's what a lot of men go through. So with that being said, there are some men, I would say the minority of men, I know this sounds like some kind of red pill-ish thing or whatever, but I do believe this is true. The minority of men with their innate sense of— how to say this— with their innate skill set. As I hit the microphone. With their innate skill set, their innate bag of tricks that they bring to the relationship world. The number, you know, if this is the— this ball I'm making here, the circle is the population of women that are available for dating. Them, falls within their criteria, like location-wise, age-wise, all that other stuff, they're able to realistically get with this many of them. Small, small. That's most men. We like to say there are a million fish in the sea. Yeah, but with the way he's wired and everything else, he doesn't have all that much charisma, charm. He doesn't have a lot of experience. He's kind of introverted. He's a bit neurotic. He's shy, which means socially anxious. With all of that going on, he really is not much of a ladies' man. And so he doesn't have his pick of the litter, so to speak, of going out there and going, "Hmm, which do I select? Do I select the pretty hot one that really gets me going, or do I select the not so hot one, but she seems nice, normal, like one of the guys?" Most guys are— they take what they can get. That sounds horrible. Most of us settle. Um, that sounds awful, but let's be realistic here, right? Uh, then there are— it's a complicated thing, it's not so simple— but then there are some men who legitimately would have a chance. Um, they got the looks, charm, and everything else, but their, um, their sense of self-worth or confidence is so low for whatever reason that they don't think— when they see the knockout 10 out of 10 walk by them, they don't even try. They're like, there's no way in hell I could ever get a girl like that. So then even— they don't even go there. Okay, so with that being said, there are some men that have a pick of the litter. And sure, men throughout history have done stupid shit to get in the pants of women. Driven across country, sold whatever to raise money to go see woman, bought her lots of things to woo her. Um, taking on some single mom who has 9 kids from 5 different men, all because knockout gorgeous, makes me feel amazing. That's key, isn't it? Really strokes his male ego. I feel like a million bucks when I'm with this woman. She's sexually— she's got it going on. Looks, she's got it going on. She makes me feel amazing. I will do anything and everything for this woman, dude. Yeah, we've heard that a lot, which— and I did a tweet about this that got some men kind of twisted where I say a common refrain from a lot of men is we as males are the rational species, we're the, uh, the, the engineers, the technical ones. We look at things as they are, ones and zeros. Women are far more nuanced and they, they put emotion as a blanket over all of this, and that colors their perception of reality. And sometimes they don't see reality for what it is because of said emotion. That's what a lot of men say in a roundabout way. They say it in a much not so nice way. And, um, in other words, the women do XYZ action based upon emotion while we men are so rational. And he's like, dude, I've known some guys that did some dumbass shit to get— sorry, language— some really stupid stuff to get with women sexually. And I did a tweet where I said, just go up to some group of Vietnam-era— I was going to say World War II, they're, they're almost all gone— Vietnam-era older dudes and say, guys, question for you, have any of you done stupid shit to get with women? And they will laugh their ass off and they'll say, have a seat, I'll tell you what I've done for women. So yeah, that gets dudes in trouble for sure. Um, David, uh, talking about your, uh, youngest is 2 years of age. Oof. When my, uh, wife, ex-wife did her thing, uh, my youngest Ralph was a year and a half old. Oof. So I know all about that. Check out our group, helpformen.com, brother. You're gonna need some help. Um, you know, it's a support community, a lot of resources in there. I keep pushing it because I created it for guys like you, brother. It was basically for me. This is what I wish I would have had. Why don't I just create it? So that's what I did. helpformen.com. Check out the HFM Brotherhood, or you can go to helpformen.com/join and go right to the join page. Um, but you're gonna need some help going through this. It's gonna be tough, tough. Yeah, many years of co-parenting ahead. And this may, um— somebody said this to me, shit, when I was going through all this like 11, 12 years ago. Um, they were talking about doing something socially or something with their ex-wife, like she was a buddy, and I was just like At the time I said, I don't, I don't ever see me doing something like that. I don't see us getting to the point of being friendly like that again. And he just smiled and said, I thought the same thing, but you will. It'll just take time, but eventually you'll get over the hump and you will, you'll get there. And I was like, I don't know, man. But he's right. Eventually you get there. I have text conversations with the ex, which are 99.9% of the time kid-related, but they're friendly in nature. Well, you know, all the animosity, anger, and everything, it's all gone. It is what it is. She did what she did. I know, she knows, nobody's perfect. It is what it is. It led me here to you guys, you know. Look at it that way. There's a lot of guys that are like, I went through horrible stuff, but it led to, you know, like kids, and yeah, it got me to where I am today. Every great man that I know has— I'm not calling myself a great man— every dude that's, you know, accomplished something in his life has been through some giant holy poop moment, as I call it. Um, I'm just part of the club now, and so are you, David. It is what it is. Um, but you're gonna need some help, whether it's from our group, your immediate social group, friend group. Don't be afraid to lean on people to get help, just with the logistics of life. You got the 2-year-old— would somebody mind taking the 2-year-old while I go run and do this errand real quick? Don't be afraid to do that. Um, there are people It's a lot of men come to the erroneous assumption that nobody wants to help them. So why is that? Because nobody comes to our rescue. I was really hurt, dumped, cheated on, yada yada, and we sit back and wait. We're like, hello, does anybody care? They care, but they're so wrapped up in their own stuff, dude, that it's, uh, they'd rather stay out of your drama. They'd rather not deal with it. It's emotionally tough for them to go there. They have so many other their own things to worry about. But at the same time, if you were to say, hey friend, friend and friend's wife and whatever it may be, would you mind helping with this? They're usually quick to jump to attention. You know, the friends all still love you and appreciate you. It's just sometimes, especially as the dude, we don't get that immediate, oh, spontaneous type of, of help from our friends. While the, the women, we notice they get that in spades, don't they? We can bitch and moan about it all we want. It's just the nature of the beast. It is what it is. As I said in the Forbes and on NewsNation when I was interviewed by them, I said, uh, we men tend to get the overall feeling or feedback that we get from our social group as one of, yeah, that sucks, man, shit happens, right? Anywho, and move on. But with women, it seems to be almost an empowering thing for them. People jump to attention to save them. Oh, you poor thing, even though you were the one who cheated and did all this horrible thing. You're going through a lot. Is there anything I can help you with? Do you want this free thing? Can I come look at this cheap car I can sell you? I'll give you my couch. And you need me to take the kids? People just, you know, the damsel in distress thing, uh, the old women are wonderful effect. Google that. That's a real thing. And we sit back and we can get really angry, jealous, and resentful over all this, or just chalk it up to human nature. It is what it is, and us being pissy ain't gonna help anything. Hmm. Oh, so David, so your ex still has not admitted it, and she may never Um, does that bother you? You know the truth, I would presume, David. You've probably seen concrete evidence to show that, um, you— she did these things, right? So there's 1,000% sure that she has done these things, and yet she still denies. She may take it to the grave, dude, but you know what's true. Does this— does it change anything if she came to you hat in hand and said David, you were right. I did do all the things that you saw. My bad. Then what? You're still you. You still got to deal with the kids. You still got to deal with an ex-wife. Your money situation changes. All those other things are still there regardless if she finally fesses up. So, eh, it is what it is. Don't sit around and wait. Don't try to understand, you know, if she would just confess, everything would be better. No, not necessarily. Um, why does it seem like both sexes are incompatible most of the time when we get together after some time has passed? It's not like we meet a romantic partner and it gets better. Oh, I see what you're saying. And it gets better as time goes by. Um, Oh, before we get into that, Jack says David is looking for the member forums. By the way, David, you need to go to help4men.com/join, and then you need to join up, and then you will get access to everything. So help4men.com/join. I could blab, or I could actually add it here in the comments and the chat. Pardon me while I type. I can't see what I'm typing, my eyes are old. Sparky7788 says OMG, hi. I— okay, how you doing, Sparks? Don't know you, or do I? I don't know. With an OMG like that, maybe I should know you. Um, anywho, back up to Mysterio. Uh, why does it seem like we're incompatible when we get together after some time? So in other words, Ralph Brewer, why is it that these romantic relationships— that's the key thing, the romantic relationship, a relationship built on romance for the purpose of romancing— why is it that those seem to fade? Because romance fades. Because most of us do not have skills, the tools in our mental toolbox, to relight that, that pilot light, You know, I'm thinking like a gas range, oven, stove, whatever. Um, it has that little light you have to constantly tick, tick, tick, and then the flame goes out and you're like, damn it, and you got to relight it. Um, some of us just don't have the energy or time to keep relighting and it fades easily. Why has Mother Nature instilled in us this fading mechanism? Uh, you're kind of going down the world of, uh, evolutionary psychology and so forth. Which a lot of people have a difficult time with because it's basically theory, but it's basically theory after watching human behavior over so many generations. And it would seem that our human biology is such that it wants us to— I've said this in countless videos, so apologize if you've heard me say this— Mother Nature seems to want us to fall in love, get infatuated with somebody, pair bond as they say, if that's the proper term here. So we fall in love, we're with them, we commit to them, and then what? Procreate. That's what this whole thing's about, dude. Every other animal out there does it. We procreate, we make more of us, we propagate the species. And then as males, what does Mother Nature want us to do? It seems a lot of people will deny this, and yet, but we have plenty of evidence to show this is the case. It wants to do— wants us to do it again and again with other women. Kind of, you know, diversify the genetic material out there. I'm with Brenda and Kathy and Mary and Jane and da da da, and I make babies with all of them. Whoa, you know, Genghis Khan style, I've got my genes out there everywhere. And I'm mixing and matching with all their genes, and it's just, brrr, this is how the species grows. Kind of difficult to do that if I am 1,000, solely 100% committed to this one person here. So Mother Nature says, hey, cut that shit out, dude. Go out there and get— and to women it says, hey, turn it down. Turn down the lustfulness, the libido, the connection to your other one. Why? Well, you're supposed to take care of these little ones. Forget about him. He's good. Let him go do his thing. And then there's the mechanism within women that we've noticed, which is not so nice. It dies down, but it sure comes back to life when they get a new one, doesn't it? It does for us as well as men, but it seems to a lesser degree. Seems that women are more sensitive to that new relationship energy reigniting, and they're more sensitive to the turning down of the pilot light of the flame, it would seem. And I'm not saying that as a misogynistic a-hole man perspective. This was something I have learned after listening to women— Esther Perel, Dr. Samantha Robin-White, Wednesday Martin, all kinds of women, Helen Fisher, anthropologists, psychologists, they've all come to the same conclusion. What does this mean? We give up on relationships? No, it means now that you're equipped with proper knowledge, act accordingly. And if you don't act accordingly, don't be surprised when the whole thing just blows up in your face, or you— it fizzles out and you go your separate way. You got to continue working on the boilerplate shit about relationships and marriage. It works if you have a willing partner and you're well matched with them. That's key. A lot of you don't, but, um, willing partner, you're well matched, so you go on frequent date nights. You get the hell away from each other, get the hell away from the kids. Um, you connect, uh, on a regular basis with each other in a sexual and non-sexual way. Just that little Connection needs to be made. The courting process doesn't start when you lay down in bed next to your wife at 10:15 at night. It starts at 6:15 in the morning when you first wake up and lasts all day, off and on, all day long. Combine that with healthy distance. Get the hell away from each other. Well then, Ralph Brewer, you just said we have to connect. I know it ain't easy. Hmm. Understanding the delineation between parent and lover or spouse. That seems to be gone now. We're so kid-centric and kid-obsessed these days that everyone's just like, kids, kids, kids. Especially you ladies, you gotta cut that shit out. It's not healthy to be hovering helicopter style over your children. Let them be little humans. And you're also pushing your husband away. Um, but anyhow, it's, it's a, it's a difficult thing. And one thing that has kind of shined a light, if you will, on the difficult nature of all this is this recent debate which is coming up. And I did a video about this here recently. If you go to Twitter and some of the other social media platforms, everyone right now, for whatever reason, maybe right— not right now, right now, past week or so, has been talking about the concept of duty sex. Should women do, even though they don't feel like doing it? And men are like, "Hell yeah!" And the women are like, "Hell no!" So the answer's somewhere in the middle, isn't it? Well, yeah, we want you to be into it. I don't want you to do it out of obligation. I'm going to put a gun to your head. You know, there's a really bad word for that. Right, we don't want that. Well, at least I hope you don't. Um, and then, um, and then women are like, well, but I don't feel like it. Well, we have to— you have to open your mind to feeling like it via reconnecting with your husband, the date nights, the yada yada yada. It's tough. Long-winded way of saying it's tough, brother. Hmm. Oh, oh, David says you did join the Brotherhood. Excellent. But you couldn't find the forms on the site. You will be emailed links to a private group that is on Facebook. Don't worry, nobody can see you, as well as a Discord server. Those will be emailed to you. So check your email, check your junk, check your, uh, uh, what do you call it, promotions tab of your Gmail account. Be patient, it's all coming to you. And if you need help, support@helpformen.com. Or ralph.b@help4men.com will get you there. Sparky. Sparky came and went. He said, oh my God, hi, I have to go by, and waved goodbye. No idea who that was. Sparky. All right. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Where does David find the forum section? He did join. Just trying to find where forums— okay, I'm sorry, apologize, guys. This is, this is real intriguing sitting here watching Ralph read the comments. Uh, Justin was on things with the Bearded Kilt Racing. Thank you, just appreciate it. I didn't see that. Um, uh, Mysterio wants to know if I have interviewed David Buss. Uh, a couple years ago I reached out to David and had a brief 1 to 2 email exchange with him, basically saying not interested, not at this time. To do a podcast. He may be interested now with the Help for Men brand. That'd be a good one to have. I will, uh, I will reach out again to him, see what he thinks. Um, Guitar God— let me scooch here— Guitar God says, uh, doesn't nature want men to stick around to help raise those kids? It seems a woman saying no to sex would not be in the best interest of baby survival. Guitar God, I don't know if you remember before, you've asked this before. Um, it would seem that this mechanism of disconnection seems to happen more bluntly for most people after the stage of— I guess if you want to use a bio or animalistic term— weaning. Weaning, meaning the baby is weaned from mother. The baby is more autonomous. It doesn't need mom and dad 24/7 hovering to make sure they are still alive and kicking. Once that phase is passed, it would seem that that You know, you would ideally like mother to turn to husband and say, now that I don't have to sit and hover over this kid and breastfeed and co-sleep and everything, and they're in their own little room, I'm back to you, husband. But often that doesn't happen. Now it's like, we've disconnected during that whole little phase there, now I'm further disconnecting from you. Beat it, husband. It's sad, but that's what a lot of men see. Mysterios, do you think at least a 10-second kiss will do more for a couple than just sex to keep the bond strong? All of those little things will allow you to stay connected to your wife. I did a little, uh, for our forum, I did a little run-through of what a typical a day for me and my wife looked like as far as our little, if you want to call it courtship intimacy dance, is concerned. And it started with in the morning, good morning beautiful, kiss, pat her on the butt. There was a lot of my post when I look back on it, it was very butt-centric. I noticed, I'm like, man, I gotta, I got a butt thing apparently. Um, brushing teeth, give her a little pat on the butt, talk about the day, get everybody get ready, get the kid, yada yada, blah blah blah. I make her coffee every morning the way she likes it, and here you go, smooch when I give her the coffee. Smooch on the way out the door. See these little touch, touch, touch, touch, I'm still here. Text throughout the day. If we are able to do lunch, we do lunch together. Kiss and smooch during lunch and come home. Good morning, beautiful. Kiss, Dada, how was your day? And little touches. What I think a lot of people lose sight of that. And then for us horny dudes, we don't do any of those little steps throughout the day. Doesn't necessarily have to be smooch, little touches to use the marketing term throughout the day. And then we get to the endpoint from A to Z, we get to Z. And we're like, hey, you wanna? And we're just kind of shocked that she's like, what? No. In other words, there's no connection here, dude. Just because you're hubs doesn't necessarily mean I'm ready to go. In fact, on top of not doing anything throughout the last day, week, month, or whatever, there's also some shit that pisses me off about you. That's what we often hear from our women. Right or wrong, it's how they're seeing it. So will the 10-second kiss? Sure, can't hurt. Unless your woman's very avoidant, says get the hell away from me. Joel asks, can someone that is anxious tell the difference between the true feeling of in love versus codependency? Oh wow, Joel, that's a very— and Joel is a member of our group, relatively new. Welcome, Joel. Um, you're currently working on trying to come to terms of what this— what's the difference between love And codependency, um, I guess the codependency would be— a therapist would be better able to help break that down for you and dissect that. But the codependency basically is, I don't know where you and I begin and end, um, I need you to need me, and I need you to need my need for you. And you know that there's no independence there, there's no boundary between the two of you. We— there's this romantic notion that we are enmeshed and we are one, and great in doses, but there needs to be a separation in order for you to be two healthy human beings. You can't be on top of each other 24/7. You can't be so, you know, I, I notice that he or she has a— looks upset, now I'm upset, now I can't go my day without them being happy, and my whole day is ruined, my whole week is ruined, and, uh, and then the person finally admits, dude, I just have indigestion. It's nothing to do with you. That's not— that's a very anxious-y take, and that's not necessarily love. That's being dependent upon another person for your mental well-being. Uh, codependency. Read No More Mr. Nice Guy on that. Guitar God Randy wants to know if you were actually Mark Knopfler or maybe even Eric Clapton. I don't think so. Guitar God, tell us more about your guitars. I've never— you can see I also like guitars. I didn't say I'm good at it, but I like guitars, and I got the See right behind me, I got the, the Kemper behind me there too. And my— over— oops, wrong way. Over there I'm pointing with my baldness. That's my YouTube Play Button over there. Got that for the 100,000 subscribers. And this over here is a boomerang that I got from our members in Australia with a little plaque underneath that saying thank you. So those are my little prized possessions, not to mention the license plate from our one of our members up north and in the Canada. You can't see it, but there's a hat on the table behind me. Can you— there it is, from a member of ours as well. And if you got some knickknacks, send them. I'll put them up on the wall. I keep saying that. Nobody's actually sent me anything. Uh, and Guitar God, let's go back. You're, you're harping on the idea of, dude, I don't get this whole disconnecting after having a kid thing. This makes no sense historically. This makes them dead. Let me just, uh, how best to say this? Stop thinking about it so much, dude. It is what it is. It's, it's kind of like, man, I don't get why a man would murder another man. It makes no sense, you know. You would think the, the tribe would be against it. I'm not comparing this to murder, but I'm just trying with an— and make an extreme point to make the point. Um, people do shit. Mother Nature has us do shit that doesn't necessarily correspond directly to what we may want, but it is what it is. And we can fight against it, or we can learn to roll with the punches and change plan, change course. Um, when kids come in picture, wife sure does seem to act like man is number 92 on the list as opposed to number 1 like he used to be pre-kid. Uh, very anxious, um Oh, codependent take on that is, woe is me, I need to be loved 1000%. If I'm not, if I don't get the 100% attention from this woman, I feel like garbage. What's the purpose of marriage anyway? Oh my gosh, I feel left. It's kind of childlike, which is how a lot of women frame that. Like, oh my God, he's another kid that I have to deal with. This sucks. As opposed to a guy who's more secure in himself, and these men exist, they're not my audience, but they exist that say, well, of course, The kid's number one, dude. It's a little infant. Of course she doesn't pay as much attention to me. Of course sex has gone down. It is what it is. It's, eh, I'll deal with it. And I have the tools in my toolbox to stay connected to my wife, still get that intimacy need met. Sure, it's not nearly to the degree that I would like, but this isn't a forever thing on and on. Some men are wired that way. That's the minority of my audience for sure, but that's a thing. Uh, Mysterio says, I'm from Texas. Technically, no, I spent half the time in Texas. Go on, on about why that is, but I spent half the time in Texas. Uh, I don't like sauce on barbecue, period. I let the smoke do the talking. I like to— so when every time I go to any barbecue place, what kind of sauce you want? None. If it's already made in the whatever, cool, but I don't— extra sauce, no. I like just the smoky meats. I love beef ribs in Texas, and then I love brisket and pulled pork. Those are my things. Jack wants to know if I've ever thrown the boomerang. I have not. No, it's too nice. Okay, it does come off that thingy though, but no, I've not thrown it. I don't know if I've ever— yeah, I've thrown a boomerang before. When we were a kid, we have the Nerf boomerangs. I don't know if you guys remember those. Yeah, I've never thrown like a real one. Real one. You know what I do want? I want a didgeridoo. You know what those are? The wow wow. I would love to have one of those. I probably shouldn't do that. That's— somebody's gonna make a meme out of that. Um, all right guys, it's already been an hour. Wow, that went by fast. Anything else, ladies and germs? HelpForMen.com. Sounds like we got at least 1 or 2 new members today. Welcome, welcome. Do appreciate all of you. Make sure I'm not missing something over here. Anything else? HelpForMen.com. Check out the HFM Brotherhood. That's the name of our private community for men only, HFM Brotherhood. Lots of cool benefits for joining. Check out the books, The Dead Bedroom Fix, the third edition of which just came out in July of 2024. What else we got going on? We have a new free course for those guys that have been cheated on. Pardon me while I type again. Pardon me while I zoom in to make sure I can read this. Yeah, that's right. Wow, my eyes are bad. I can't read that. Shitballs. All right, mywifecheated.com. Can't get much more blunt than that. mywifecheated.com will take you to a page on our website with a free, free course, little miniature course for guys that have been cheated on or having a difficult time kind of understanding all this, getting over the hump and I'm not sure what to do next. Check it out, mywifecheated.com. We're also gonna have a much longer free course coming out, drum roll, for the Dead Bedroom Fix, kind of a companion to the Dead Bedroom Fix that will be free as well. What we're doing is basically, so you guys are wondering, why is this all free, what the hell? Well, just to be nice and give guys more content, more good stuff to help gentlemen out there, but also a good way to introduce some of our concepts of the The Brotherhood, our private community. See if guys want to join that. And from that, you can join us and join in on some meetings and have all kinds of fun and take your, your healing, if you will, your work to the next, next level. Um, so I would, I look forward to, uh, oh, um, seeing you guys there. Anything else? Making sure I'm not missing something here. Oh, ribeye, yes. As far as steaks go, ribeye is the best, followed by New York strip, followed by porterhouse or T-bone. If you can't tell, I love meat, unlike our buddy Dr. Samantha Rodman-Whiten, who is a vegan. Enough said. No judging, but I, I eat an insane amount of meat. Um, and yes, I have had a colonoscopy. All is good. Dave says thank you for the helpful content. You're very welcome, David. I look forward to seeing you in the group. Be sure and introduce yourself when you're in there and tell us your story. And you look like a young pup, so sorry this is happening to you such an early stage. But at the same time, uh, if you are a young dude— I could just see your little teeny picture there— if you're a young guy, um, in a way you've been blessed that this didn't happen at 50 years of age when your kids are all, you know, 10, 15-year-olds and so forth. It's, uh Not what you want to hear, but early, early on, it's good that you're learning these things and going through these things now as opposed to later, is what I'm trying to say. All right, gentlemen, ladies, thank you all so very much for joining today. Appreciate all of you. Try to do another one of these soon, uh, next week probably. Um, I had, uh, Adam Lane Smith, who is a, um, content creator, therapist, and so forth, all about attachment theory. I was scheduled to chat with him next week. That got delayed another month, so it's going to be a little bit before I do that. His schedule had some conflicts, so be on the lookout for that. And I'll keep reaching out to some folks and try and do some more interviews with important people for the Help for Men podcast and YouTube channel. Check, check that out, by the way. YouTube, go to, uh, the little— the handle is @realhelpformen. So just do a search for— you can do a search for Help for Men and, uh, Orion Taraban, and you'll see my very first and most popular interview with Orion Taraban of Psychex. So check that out. All right guys, enough about that. Thank you all so very much, appreciate all of you. Catch you on the next one. A toodaloo!