Chat LIVE with Ralph (DSO)!

I want to make sure that we are good to go here live. Do my customary check on Facebook here. Don't see anything yet. All right, yeah, I see myself. Okay, cool. Let's— we're just gonna jump on over to the old, uh, YouTubes. Yeah, hey, it looks like we are good to go. Cool deal. All right, ladies and germs, as I said— I think I told you guys before, somebody took offense to me saying ladies and germs, so you know I'm not belittling our brothers out there. Um, it's an old school, old-timey term. I don't know where that came from, like an old TV Hollywood thing. Ladies and germs, you know, whatever. Um, but anywho, welcome. Um, for those that don't know and you just happened upon this, uh, my name is Ralph Brewer Brewer Brewer. For real. Um, yes, it's an old school name. Uh, it was my dad's name. I don't know if I've ever mentioned that, but, uh, I go by the fake little pen name of Dad Starting Over. You'll hear guys call me DSO. Short for Dads Starting Over. I've been creating content under that name for over a decade now. Started off as a blog writing, and then evolved— that evolved into books. One of those books took off, and that book is called The Dead Bedroom Fix. I'm going to put some links up here, um, as I chat. Um, there's the link to the book in case you want to check it out, deadbedroomfix.com. Dead Bedroom Fix, just like it sounds, is a book all about sexless marriage. I've written on a variety of different topics over the years, and nothing has moved the needle or gotten more attention than the old SEX. More specifically, guys complaining about lack thereof in their marriage. Pretty common issue. And so I wrote a book on it and it got to be pretty popular. And that brought hundreds of thousands of people to me, watch my stuff. And that allowed me to evolve this into a bigger thing. We have a larger organization that Dad Starting Over is a part of called Help for Men. And you can learn more at helpformen.com. Let me bring this up here. I'm just a man of many links here. Um, That is a link, helpformen.com/join. Notice the— where's that? Yeah, the join at the end there. Um, that takes you to our private community that we put together. We've been doing this for, shoot, I don't know, 5, 6, 7 years now. Um, it's really important that guys, you know, have other dudes that they can lean on, have a support community, have resources at their disposal. To help them get over the hump in life, to excel in life. We have guys who are in our group who are married and want to, you know, to improve their marriage. We have guys that are divorced and they're having a really difficult time getting over the hump and restarting life after divorce. Guys that are dating, guys never really been in a real long-term relationship and trying to get into one, have had zero luck with the ladies, you know, guys in the dead bedroom situation. The majority of our audience in that group comes via my books. I've written 4 books total, forgot to mention. And, um, there are all kinds of benefits to joining that group, which I won't get into here, um, specifically. We got forums, we got live meetings, we got over 1,000 hours of audio, we got discounts on coaching courses for free, and all kinds of cool stuff. So check it out there, helpformen.com/join, if you were a dude. Let me bring up my chat here. All right. Leah says wavy hand. Wavy hand back at you, Leah. Is this, is this Leah that I know? I do know a Leah. This is a chance that it's the Leah. Leah, are you the Leah that I know? Maybe you should maybe give me a thumbs up or something if you don't want to say too much. I can't see. I always see is a little picture next to you, so I don't know if it's the Leah I know or not. But anywho, um Welcome everybody. If you could let me know where you are joining me from today, that would be cool. I always have people from all over the world that join me on these, so always nice. Let's see if we can get a good representation of folks from all over the world. This is a relatively early time, early part of the week, so this may be kind of a not so great attendance-wise, but wherever you're watching this, if you— or maybe you're watching this live or The recording is also posted on YouTube and Facebook. So if you're watching a recording later, if it's not around noon Eastern time on a Monday, you are watching a recording. I have people that watch the recordings of these and interact with them as if they are live. And it's like, no guys, you missed the live. So Facebook and YouTube, I guess, doesn't do a good enough job of saying you're watching a recording. So anywho, if you could let me know where you're from, Give me a thumbs up if you could like this. If you could share this, that's huge. Um, if you could— wherever you're watching— if you could follow me or subscribe to me, big, big help to me. I would really, really appreciate it. Big help to me and to our organization. It allows us to spread the word, hopefully sell some more books, some more memberships, courses, all kinds of good stuff, coaching, and we can help more and more guys out there. I did, uh, years ago, um, When I used to do Facebook advertising, which I don't anymore, I may get back into it here soon. But for a while there, I was really heavy into Facebook advertising simply because for a relatively low amount of money, you could reach tens of thousands of people easily. And I remember when I put in the parameters of here's what we're looking for, Facebook, we're looking for, you know, men that are interested in subjects such as marriage, divorce, and all this other stuff, and the age range of our typical customer. And it came back and said something like, 60 million dudes in the Facebook world alone fit that criteria. So we're trying to reach as many of those dudes as we can. And to do it via advertising anymore on Facebook, just way too freaking pricey. So we do it organically by doing these lives, I do videos, all kinds of stuff, posting links, and they get shared. Some of them go viral, you know, hit the millions, and that helps out a lot. So you're liking and you're sharing and everything will help as well. Um, do I have my glasses here? Yes, I do. Because I just got out of the shower, my eyes are irritated, and I can't see. Um, Leah says, you don't know me. Oh, sorry, Leah, there's another Leah. It's my, my son's girlfriend, so put that out there in case you guys are wondering. Um, so, uh, Leah, welcome, you enjoy the content. Well, thank you very much, I appreciate it. Uh, we got Blake from Fort Smith, Arkansas, listening at work. Welcome. And David says, hey Ralph, Oregon. So wow, we're jumping all over the map here. Minneapolis is Leah. John from Oklahoma. And, uh, and we got Mike— there we go— over the pond in the United Kingdom. So thank you guys, thank you for joining me. I really, really appreciate it. It means a lot to me. We got Facebook, Facebook, Facebook. We got YouTube. Usually it's YouTube that dominates the attendance, so today it's Facebook is dominating. So excellent. Welcome guys, I appreciate all of you joining me today. Um, if there is— the purpose of these little lives is not so much for me to, you know, I don't know whether to look at me here or I look at the camera here, they got a little bit of a difference there. Kind of sucks. But, um, I don't know, I lost my train of thought. Where was I going with that? Oh, the purpose of these is not for me just to blab on and on and on, uh, because there are— if you don't know, there are like thousands of videos of me and my bald head, little videos that you can watch of me doing just that. Like, apparently a lot of bald Caucasian men on the internet, I'd love to hear myself talk. There's an army of us out there, in case you didn't know this. And, um, But no, these are for interacting. So if you have questions, if you have something you want to share, whatever, you're like, hey, bald dude, I like your stuff, I got a question for you, now's the time. I'm all yours. I'm— you have a— you have a, um, what's the word, apt, rapt audience. I'm here, I'm waiting. Um, so have at it, ladies and germs. I'm saying ladies and germs a lot today. Um, let me know what's on your mind. Uh, anything else that is going on in my world that I care to share? Uh, we have our, um within our Brotherhood group that I mentioned. Go to help4men.com/join there on the screen. I haven't taken that off. It's probably a good thing. I'll be talking about that a lot today. We do get together for annual conferences within the group. We have had 4 so far in the United States. We're having our 5th coming up here in a couple of months in Charleston, South Carolina. That one is sold out. We're making it a small affair, doing a beach house, and it's going to be really cool. Just something different to try. And then the year after that, 2026, we're going huge. We're going big. Low-cost special guests. So stay tuned, we're going to announce that in April to you guys. Our members already know about it and they're already signing up, thank goodness. But we're going to make a big one, but then we will announce it to the general public, hopefully bring in some more members that way. But again, looking forward to some, uh, special, special guests that are going to join us. That's all I'm going to say about that. So we'll be pretty cool. Um, what else do I have going on? I have some Live streams that are scheduled coming up here. Put it on your calendar, ladies and germs. There we go. I've noticed something about myself during these, uh, when I talk, I tend to have what's called a verbal crutch— a little phrase or a little saying, a couple, 3, 4 words— and I will repeat it throughout. So that's not going to be the 5th or 6th. I'll probably say that a few hundred more times during this thing. Sorry, it's one of my annoying little nervous quirks, I guess. Um, April— man, glasses, dude. I hate getting old. I can't see a damn thing. Um, all right, here we go. On April 8th— before, let me start. Probably should do this in chronological order. March 25th, um, I will be live March 25th here on Facebook and YouTube with Dr. Orion Taraban. Do you guys know who that is? You should. You probably know his face if you saw him. Um, he has a very popular YouTube channel called Psych Hacks. Sykes. He's been on all of the big podcasts out there— Modern Wisdom, uh, Diary of a CEO— and he's been on Soft White Underbelly several times. Millions and millions of people have seen him. We're going to chat with him live here on the Dad Starting Over channel on March 25th. And then after that, um, our buddy Dr. Robert Glover, author of No More Mr. Nice Guy, uh, we will sit down with a chat for him on April 8th. So Got some pretty big heavy hitters that are coming. So as we grow this and more and more people see me and see the material and check out Help for Men and see that we're a legitimate large international organization, we got more and more big names that are willing to chat with us and join us and, uh, and, um, help spread the word. So, uh, it's going to be huge. Dr. O'Reilly and Dr. Robert Glover. Stay tuned for those, ladies and gents. Um, What else you got going on? I recently did a YouTube video. I posted— go to my YouTube channel, Dad Starting Over. You go to youtube.com/dadstartingover, just do a search for Dad Starting Over. When you see the bald head, yep, you're in the right place. And, um, I had a gentleman that reached out to me with a story that was so bad that I had to laugh throughout it. It was just so over-the-top clichéd, terrible situation from beginning to end. Like, he was hitting it at About halfway through, I'm like, this has got to be made up because it's almost like this guy's watched all my material and he's checking every box for every instance of every clichéd, um, toxic woman, naive man scenario that I've heard over the years. And he just rolled it all into one story. But in the end, I'm like, no, I think this is real. I made a video out of it, so check it out, um, on the Dad Starting Over YouTube channel. I've also posted on the Facebook page if you want to look for it there on Dad Starting Over. Um, but, um, I don't know what's going on, but I get, uh, if you go to— let me bring this up. There we go, deardso.com. You can submit your story, uh, there's a little form to fill out, deardso.com. And there's a, there's an option on the form, you can check a box and that will, um, tell me that you want to talk to me live, and then we, we can record our conversation. I'll be on camera, you won't. We'll just hear your voice and we'll talk back and forth like a radio call-in show type of thing. We've I've done a couple of those already and they've gone over well. And, um, anywho, so if you fill out that form, deardso.com, um, you'll be put in the, in the hopper, so to speak, of people who have submitted stories. And I go through it every now and again, and if there's a good one that sticks out, I create a video out of it, and then it goes on the podcast as well. Um, but, uh, I don't know what's going on. I don't know what's in the water, but it's picked up like big, big time. I'm getting daily Dear DSOs, and they are getting more and more dramatic, and they're getting more and more dysfunctional and crazy and kind of concerning for these poor guys. We have a lot of guys out there that are in horrible situations, and you got to feel sorry for them. Um, you know, there is a, um, school of thought for either side of the gender aisle. You'll hear this from both, where it's, um You know, like, for example, as men will, you know, complain about, like, I married this psycho woman who seemed to be so great at the beginning, but then she turned into a raging maniac, and she took me for everything I'm worth, and now I don't get to see my kids, and she took three-fourths of my money. Those really terrible stories, right? We hear those. And then if you go to that same guy and say, what do you think about these women that, uh, marry, um, men like these bad boy types? They get with these bad boy types and get, you know, pumped and dumped, as they say, you know, taken advantage of and cast aside. And these men will say, well, these women should know better. It's like, well, I guess we could say that about the men as well. Some of us just don't have the relationship experience, and some of us don't have the common sense, street smarts, if you will, about the relationship world. And we get really taken advantage of, compounded with our codependency, our— we really don't like ourselves very much, and we kind of in a way feel shameful about ourselves and that we are almost deserving of the horrible relationship that we have with this other person. And when you really peel back layers of the onion, that's what it boils down to. We don't like ourselves very much, so we put up with a lot. And we have a lot of guys out there that are really, really hurting big time. And it's, it's sad. And I've been hearing from them on the, on the Dear DSO forum. So we got another message here from John. He says, uh, A 13-year— is there a way for me to make this bigger, I wonder? Hold on a second. Don't do— let me expand this. Pardon me, guys, I'm just like— this is a relatively new system for me. Um, it's for you techie people, it's called Riverside. I'm using Riverside for streaming as well as recording interviews. 13-year dead bedroom, I read your book 20+ times. Well, I hope it sunk in. Thank you. I guess a little concerning, John. Uh, my question is this, um, oh, he says, and I've learned a lot from it. So very good, I appreciate that. You know what, can I put this on the stream? Oh, look at that, huh? It doesn't show it all because it's a long message, but, um, I learned a lot from it. My question is this: I've improved in most, most areas. I was the anxious needy guy, but now I'm working on boundaries because my wife is an asshole to me most of the time. Well, that's not good. What tips do you recommend for setting boundaries for a wife that is rude and often treats me like she doesn't like me? Well, that's not good, my friend. Um, I mean, what more can you do other than, hey, don't treat me that way, don't talk to me that way, what's up with you? You know, there's the loving way about it, which is, whoa, have a seat, wife. No, no, no, timeout, we need to talk about something. And sit her down and go What's going on with you? You all right? Like, because that's— I know this isn't your wife, but this is like, pretend like this was early on, right? And you can say like, you know, this isn't like you to lash out like that. So something going on I need to be aware of? Something I can help you with? Anything going on? Because that was no bueno. We ain't doing that again, are we? You know, you're probably like, yeah, Ralph Brewer, I should have done that like, you know, 20, what, 20-plus years ago, or whatever it is. Oh, 13 years. 20 times you read the book, 13 years. So you probably should have done that 13 years ago, right? But, but now you are, unfortunately, 13 years later. I would assume 13 years of not so good behavior on her part and on your part, let's be honest. And in terms of— I'm not trying to blame the victim, so to speak, but this goes for anybody. It's not a gendered thing. I find myself saying that more and more so I don't piss off the ladies so much. You ladies, you tend to be a little sensitive about this stuff. Sorry, but call them what it is. But, um, You put up with this not-so-good behavior. Let's say like 13 years ago, she has that moment. Instead of sitting her down and going, what's going on with you? You all right? Why would you act that way? I would never talk to you that way. You let it go, and you maybe sulk a little bit and do the silent treatment, and then, then she acts better the next day, and okay, well, let's just pretend that didn't happen, right? That seems to be the go-to nice guy needy behavior codependent kind of, uh, Oh, a response to such things like, let's just pretend that didn't happen. And then the following week it happens again and you're like, well, I learned the first time this is one of those things that kind of blows over, so we'll just— I'll just go do my thing and ignore it, or, you know, slunk my head and say, yes dear, whatever you say dear, move on, and we'll pretend that didn't happen. Okay, so you stack, let's say, like 500 such instances over the course of 10+ years. What are you doing? You are training your partner, your spouse, that, hey, what you just did is— it's a-okay, that's all right, because look how I'm responding. I'm just letting it go. That's cool. Whatever you want to do, however you want to talk to me, treat me, hit me, whatever it is, that's cool. Pardon me. So I'm not— again, I'm not victim blaming here, but, um, you know, you go in— I'm trying to picture like a, a boxer who doesn't put his guard up. What does the ref say in a boxing match every time? Protect yourself at all times. So let's picture a boxer that goes in and puts his hands behind his back, puts his chin out there, and gets knocked out. And he's like, goddamn it, Ralph, what can I do to stop getting knocked out? Well, put your damn hands up. In other words, stick up for yourself, the boundaries. And your comeback will be, yeah, dude, it ain't working. She continues to be a real dickhead to me. Um, I mean, what more can you do, John, other than say, number one, cut it out, or number two— this is the big or, and I, it— I'm potentially jumping way ahead here. It could be like there's a thousand steps in between here and there, but it needs to be, uh, plain as day that, you know what, if that behavior continues out of your wife, you're not going to have John around to kick around much anymore. You're not going to have a hubby. I like myself too much for that bullshit. So can we cut it out, please? Maybe talk like two adults here. Can we hash out what's going on here? Why you're lashing out and acting this way? Because that's not good. And John, I'm assuming a lot here. You could say, and this is something a lot of men should say because it should be true, which is, you don't see me acting that way towards you or towards the kids or whatever. That's not good. I'm not like that. I would never do that to somebody I love. So why are you talking to me that way, wife? Go, let's hear it. What's going on with you? If she gives you the old middle finger and says, you know, go away, what does that tell you? That's, that's who she is, man. Whether it's as a result of her upbringing— yes, let's be honest, it probably has a lot to do with it— um, stuff going on in her life. Um, let's put this out there. I've heard this more than a few times. This isn't a demonization of women, so let's not go there, ladies. But let's be honest, this happens. And it is— a guy will tell me there are certain milestones in life where it goes from wife 1.0 to wife 2.0, like she flips. And oftentimes the men are like, I don't like wife 2.0 or wife 3.0 or whatever these milestones in life are. Sometimes, let's be honest, it could be something as horrible as she had breast cancer. And I've had men tell me like, I was there to nurse my wife, she was near death. We made it through. She lost, lost her hair, lost all this weight, yada yada. Surgeries galore, radiation therapy, chemo, and the whole nine yards. And she came out of that a different person. Well, obviously, who wouldn't, right? She's a human being. Give her some grace. Yeah, but her version of a human being was a personality shift that was really mean. Lashed out at the kids. Lashed out at everyone, including me, husband. And these men will say, and I feel bad for feeling bad towards her. I'm her partner. I'm supposed to be there for her through thick and thin. But goddamn it, there's only so many, you know, tirades a person can take telling them over and over again how worthless you are. And I'm trying to give her some grace. She's been through a lot. But that's no excuse for her to treat me that way. And it's true, it's not. So they need to go get help with that. And sometimes the reaction is the guy eventually says, she won't get help, she won't change. We've been at this for years. It started ever since— insert terrible incident here. Sometimes death of a child. That's the worst possible thing any parent can think of, right? But any therapist will tell you, um, with the death of a child, more often than not comes the disintegration of the, of the couple, of the family. It's such a stressor, and it's something that they can't overcome. As a couple. You would think that a tragedy like that may bring you closer together, but usually not. Some not so terrible drastic things include menopause, for example. We'll have guys that will say, my wife was this way, and then around the age of 46 or so, man, she started changing. And she wasn't feeling so good. And the periods were irregular and all this other stuff. And she went to the doctor and the doctor said, welcome to menopause, lady. And for whatever reason, she doesn't want to do the hormonal therapy, which is every— she has every right to refuse or go on it or whatever. It's her body. I mean, whatever she wants to do, right? And, um, the man's like, I feel terrible, but this ain't my wife no more. Again, she lashes out at everything. She's super angry at everything. She lashes at the kids. She's— she quit her job. She's going through— she's going through a lot. And I don't like this woman, a lot of guys will say. So it could be you're now dealing with, John and others, like a Wife 2.0 situation. I don't know. But regardless of how you got there, the point needs to be made: this is not sustainable. This is not healthy. I like myself too much to put up with this nonsense. We got to either come to a compromise here— let's work together to figure this out and get over the hump— or we need to call it quits. That has to always be there as a possibility. We don't have to be together. We can look back on our previous so many years together and say they were great. I love you. I'll always love you. In a way, maybe not romantically, but I— you'll always have a place in my heart as, you know, mother of my children or former partner in crime for so many years, whatever it may be. But this current version of us is unsustainable, it's unhealthy, and it makes me feel depressed and less of myself. And I'm trying like hell to fix this, and you are saying go F yourself again and again. I don't know what else to do. You have to have that as an option out there. If it's not, there's— ironically, there's no avenue for change for many people. Something that a lot of men don't like to hear is that for some folks, the change comes— the change meaning let's reverse directions and go towards a meaningful compromise and a healthy relationship— that turn doesn't happen until one partner says, all right, here's the divorce papers. As you can see, I wrote together a nice agreement. It's, you know, fair for both. Just sign here and the process will begin. And sometimes the person says, oh shit, you Serious. Okay, now I'm willing to make that turn with you. It's like, well, I've only been talking to you about this for freaking months or years now. Suddenly this wakes you up? Yeah, sometimes that's what it takes. Ultimatums. Sometimes they work, guys. They're not a nefarious, terrible, awful thing. Sometimes that's what it takes. That sometimes people need to be face down in the gutter, like your addicts and so forth, in order for them to bring about change in their life. Otherwise they just go about doing what they're doing. As you can see, I go on and on about this kind of stuff. So, John, have you put that out there that this is a possibility? You're about to lose John, your hubs, here if you keep this up, wife. Is that what you want to do? Really? If so, ugh, sucks, but I guess we can go that direction. Or are you willing to make some change here? Um, glasses time. Can't read this. From Mr. David on YouTube: any tips? Let me put this up on the thingy. How about that? Let me do this. Let me bring it up here. It's not showing on stream. There we go. Any tips on dealing with loneliness and depression after infidelity and separation/divorce? I'm finally reaching acceptance that she didn't want me anymore, but the betrayal cuts deep and I'm just sad. Well, David, um, welcome to being a human being, my friend. I'm not trying to belittle what you're going through. Guess what? I Been there, done that. And so have many, many guys. If you don't know my story, that's how the Dad Starting Over thing started. I discovered a spouse many years ago who, by the way, I get along with much better now. Believe it or not, that may be your story down the line as well. But it may take years. Don't rush it. But I went through that. Spouse said, I would prefer to go with this man over here now, thank you very much. Took me and everyone by surprise. Like, who saw this coming? And I went down a spiral of depression and just It was awful. And I had the kids most of the time, and it's just, oof, it was really, really rough. And so there's, there's an old, um, kids book about going on a bear hunt. Do you know this one? We're going on a bear hunt. It's like a little song dance thingy, and they come, the kids come to different obstacles in the book. We're coming to a forest. Can we go around it? No. Can we go under it? No. Can we go over it? No. And what do they say at every obstacle? Gotta go through it. David, gotta go through it, buddy. It sucks. This is probably— if it's any comfort to you, it's probably the most painful thing you'll endure in life. It's really that bad, isn't it? And, um, but you know, I wish I was there, put an arm around you and say, buddy, it gets better with time. It really does. It sucks now. It's so acutely painful. That you just want to— don't get into the drugs and alcohol thing. Don't go run around and screw in a bunch of women to make yourself feel better. That's something a lot of guys do, especially guys that have been sex-starved for a while. I equate the running around and being with a bunch of easy women right there with the drugs and alcohol and other unhealthy behaviors, just masking what's there when you got to go through it, man. It sucks. You'll have sleepless nights, you'll cry yourself to sleep, you're wondering what the hell's going on, you'll question your role in life, all this other really deep nasty stuff, but you got to go through that. And what helps is going through it with others. I'm going to bring— and this isn't a sales pitch, but I created this thing for a reason. Pardon me while I click, click, click. Uh, it's a community for men, a support community called, uh, The Brotherhood. And you can learn more at helpformen.com/join. Hundreds of men all over the world, many of whom have been are currently going through what you're going through. What really helps, and this is a missing ingredient for a lot of men that are going through the trauma that you're going through, is commiserating and sitting in a group, so to speak. This is all online, by the way, thehelpformen.com, the Brotherhood, Zoom meetings, discussion forums, saying, this is what I'm going through, what do you guys think? And I'm telling you, within maybe even minutes, you'll have 10 replies saying, been there, done that, here's what I did. Buddy, it gets better, let me tell you. Or sometimes guys feel better by sharing war stories. Oh, let me guess, the wife's doing this and this, right? And you're like, holy shit, how'd you know? It's like, yeah, we've all been through that, dude. We've all experienced this. I've told this story many times that I felt very alone in— this was 12 years ago that this happened for me, so it's been a little while. I felt very alone after discovering, you know, what my spouse did at the time, my ex-spouse. And there was really no one around me to say Hey, doesn't this hurt? Doesn't this suck? You know, I'm going through this. Can you relate? The reaction from most of my social— well, all of my social group was basically like, man, that sucks. Can't imagine going through that because I've never experienced that. Oof, buddy. Yeah. Anyway, how about those bears? I mean, they didn't have a clue how to approach it, how to really talk it through. It was very, very uncomfortable for everyone that I knew, all my guy friends. Probably the gals that I knew were a little bit more open about it. Women tend to be more empathetic and open about those kind of things. Men tend to be a little, "This is uncomfortable. I don't like talking about it." So I had a therapist at the time, a lady, and the best thing that lady did— and by the way, she doesn't know it, but she was one of the originators of all of this Dad Starting Over thing years ago— was she said, "I got a guy." Can't remember his name, Steve or something like that. Who is another client of mine. He was telling me a story, and I'm like, this is exactly like another client of mine. You two should get together. And Steve said, give him my number. Here's my number. Tell him to call me sometime. She goes, I will. I'll share it with him and see what he says. So she goes, so here you go, here's Steve's number. Call him if you want to. So I texted the guy, and I was like, Steve, this is Ralph Brewer Brewer Brewer. I'm also seeing this lady therapist, and she told me— gave me a number. And he called me immediately, and he goes, I hate to text. I prefer to talk. I was like, all right. We talked for shit, I don't know, like 3 hours that first night. This dude was completing my sentences for me. He— I was in the middle of a story and he goes, yeah, yeah, and then she did this, this, and this, right? And I'm like, what, you got a freaking camera on my— how do you know that? And he's like, dude, they all do that. It's so— these women, these broken women. And he introduced me to a lot of concepts, like his woman came from a lot of chaos and awfulness. I'm like, yeah, mine too. And And on and on and on. He had his own little flavor of terribleness at the time. His wife left him for another woman. And not that there's anything wrong with that, but that's a whole layer of complexity to the whole thing, right? Like, was my spouse always gay? Was she— was this just a sudden turn? And how can a person turn like that in their sexuality and their, you know, preferences that way? On and on and on. So he had another layer of awful on top of what I was going through, but Why that was so good is because, like, I'm not alone. And somebody who's been there, done that, a little bit of comfort, a little bit of, all right, it's bad still, but it's not as bad. It's not as uniquely terrible, and it's not as my own little flavor of awfulness and pain that only I experience. This is something that literally millions and millions of men all over the world are currently experiencing, have experienced. And that gives you, as terrible as that sounds, gives you a sense of comfort, doesn't it? So check it out, the Brotherhood, helpformen.com/join. A lot of cool benefits to joining. It doesn't cost much at all to join. Yes, there is a cost involved. If you are a veteran, um, it's even like half of what you see the pricing there. There's a button that says if you're a veteran, click here. You click there, you submit your ID, we put it through a system to verify that you are who you say you are and ID is valid and all this other stuff. And then you get, I think, a couple of weeks for free to try it out, and then we start charging you and it's only like $14 a month at that point. That comes out to less than like 50 cents a day, and there's all kinds of stuff at your disposal. You'll never ever run out of stuff to read, listen to, guys to talk to live, Zoom meetings. We record all the meetings. You can sit and listen to just hours and hours of meetings of guys going through what you're going through and a whole bunch of other stuff. So Mr. David, check that out. And on top of, um, working with other men the very boilerplate stuff, but man, I'm telling you, it's, it's real. Stay away from the booze, stay away from the alcohol. Exercise, exert your body. I know you're like, I know your limbs probably feel heavy, you don't want to do anything, you just want to nap. Get off your butt, go for a walk. Get off your butt and join a gym. Push and pull heavy things. Your body is not meant to be sitting around and being sedentary. Sedentary means not doing anything. We're not engineered for that. I sit at this desk staring at this computer screen for hours a day, and it's not healthy for me. My body is saying, like, you're supposed to be, like, you know, chasing lions and hunting down elk and stuff like that, dude. You're not supposed to be sitting— you're foraging for berries and things. You're not supposed to be sitting at this computer. So in essence, this— pardon me— going out and, you know, for a walk and going to the gym and all that good stuff is kind of like our short circuit way of going back to the old ways we were for hundreds of thousands of years. This computer, sitting at a desk all day, is a relatively small window of human history. Our bodies go nuts when we do this. And now you are in like a, um, oh, super emotional state where depression can very easily set in. And depression basically feels like a big heavy blanket. You don't want to do anything. And a way to combat that is to get up and do something. If you have, uh, some guys that can help you out in that to make sure, like an accountability buddy, to make sure that you go when you're doing what you're supposed to be doing— exercising, going for a walk, talking to other people, listening to some positive material, listening to some music. One thing that a lot of people don't think about is when you are separate from your, your spouse, and this goes for guys that are in sexless marriages and stuff too, As a human being, you have a very real need for human contact, touch. It releases a lot of very good feeling chemicals in the body. The body works properly when people are touching you. As weird as that sounds, it's true. We're engineered that way. It's part of the process of, I guess, making us make babies. We enjoy touch, and you want to get touched by the opposite sex, whatever. Well, there is a whole world of sex workers out there. I'm not condoning it, I'm not saying that's a good idea, but they're there for a reason. If you want to do that, whatever. I wouldn't, but whatever. Um, but there's a— you don't have to necessarily go all the way to sex workers to get some human touch. There's a legal go-between there, and that is a massage. Something a lot of guys don't do for whatever reason. Go to a professional masseuse, lay down in a dark room on a table that's nice and relaxing, and have somebody rub your back and get the knots out and everything else. That does wonders for a person's mental health, believe it or not. And it feels physically feels good. A lot of things at your disposal to help you get over the hump and feel better. Take advantage of them. Check out the Brotherhood, our private community just for men, and we would love to have you. Mr. David, look forward to hearing from you. We got Mike, 20 months post-separation, but who's counting, right? Uh, 4 months post-divorce. Oh, after infidelity. So you guys separated. You know what, why don't I do this? We can bring it up, then I can read it. I don't need my glasses. 20 months post-separation after infidelity, 4 months post-divorce, lots and lots of personal work on myself by myself. Still, still got a ways to go, but out of the blue, uh-oh, I met someone. All the signs— let me bring— I can't read the rest of this. Does this show up anymore? No. Damn it. All the signs are good, but is it too soon? You've been divorced for 4 months. Um, Yeah, probably, probably too soon, and you're still working on yourself. You got a ways to go. The two schools of thought here, buddy. I, I can, I can give advice that goes in like a million different directions, right? But to super simplify it, I can kind of apply a brush or a behavioral template to the majority of my audience and say, well, for the majority of you guys, here's what I think. Because I've noticed over the years that the majority of guys are kind of wired in a certain way, the guys that reach out to me and watch my material. And those guys tend to be kind of anxious in nature, is the term that I often throw out there. And I am the first to say, hey, I'm on the team, I'm one of you guys. I have been for most of my life kind of an anxious-y dude, and it has colored a lot of my life, including my personal relationships. All right, so with that out of the way, those guys Mike, you may belong to that club. I don't know. Chances are yes. Um, you endured a trauma of a long separation, it sounds like, and then a divorce. You're working on yourself a lot, still got a ways to go, you say. And then you say out of the blue you met someone. Well, here's the thing. A lot of men tell me this, dude, this just fell in my lap, this woman. This goddess, you know, out of heaven, just landed in my lap. I wasn't looking for this dude, I'm telling you. I wasn't actively dating. I wasn't putting up a dating account and all this other good stuff. I told myself I was going to hold off on the ladies for at least like a year or so just to work on myself, but this one just fell in my lap. I talked to a guy on the Dear DSO video who— his version of this was, um, and it was very complicated. He had mental illness struggles with bipolar and other things, and he always ran into these ladies and ended up marrying them. He had like 4 wives or something like that— ex-wives, rather, not at once. Um, but, uh, he— his latest flavor of this just fell in my lap was he was on a playground playing with his kids, and he met this woman who was with her kids, and much younger woman, and she was beautiful, and they really hit it off. And I say, yeah, but dude, here's the deal. You may not have been looking for her or a relationship, but what you didn't do is go, boundaries. 'Hey, it was nice knowing you. All right, I'll see you around.' No, what you did was, 'Hey, oh, this makes me feel good. More please, more please. Yes, talk. Do I want to meet you for coffee tomorrow? Yes, I do want to meet you for coffee tomorrow. Go to a movie? You got it, let's go to a movie.' And then you say, 'Well, this just fell in my lap.' Yeah, but you didn't do this. And that's fine, um, I understand, been there, done that. But, uh, understand that, yeah, it's still a little early. With that being said, do I every now and then hear a person say, the day after I divorced, I met this woman, and we— this other woman, and we've been together for 20 years? Yeah, I hear that every now and then. Is that the norm? No. Um, so what's to be learned from those people? I don't necessarily know there's anything to be learned from those people. It's kind of like, um, the way I always explain it is those people that— I met my second wife one day after divorce from This wife, we've been together for 20 years, it's great. We are proof that what you say, Ralph Brewer, is not true. No, you are an exception to the rule. The rule is still a rule for a reason. Um, you succeeded relationship-wise in spite of, not because of. That's the difference. Uh, Jimi Hendrix was the most amazing rock and roll blues guitar player ever, not because he was dealing or doing a lot of drugs, but in spite of the fact that he did a lot of drugs. Eric Clapton, one of the greatest guitar players, rock blues guitar player, was a heroin addict. He was a great guitarist in spite of, not because of. Don't go out and do heroin and go, I should be a great, you know, player like Clapton, right? No, that's not how that works. So, and when you hear a lot of those stories, don't take it as, well, it worked for him. In spite of, not because of, right? So here you are. Another way of looking at this, Mike, is you're in this relationship with this this gal 4 months after divorce, and, um, you're like, it's going well, man. It's— she's— all the, the green flags are there, right? It's, it's looking good. She's got these— this positive, this positive, this positive, this positive. Well then, Mike, there's also the case to be made of just enjoy your time with her. What are you scared of? And don't just jump and go, I'm not scared of anything. No. Think about this. You're scared of something, otherwise you wouldn't have brought this up. What are you scared of, brother? Are you scared that you're gonna fall head over heels for this girl and she's gonna hurt you? That's a chance. Anytime you open yourself up to a relationship, you open yourself up to some heartbreak. Nature of the game, my man. You can't avoid that. Or are you scared of your tendency, your possible tendency, or maybe you have some past experience to flesh this out further, to prove this out rather. Are you scared of your tendency to fall head over heels with somebody too fast, too much, too soon, and you hand over the keys to your life to this person? You lose all your individuality, you lose all your who Mike is, and you hand over your keys to your life to a woman because you've done this before, maybe even multiple times, and you don't want to do that again. Is that what you're afraid of? I would say with either case, if there's— if they're really, really troubling to you and they're really making you pause and look at life and really question this, then that could be an indication you're not ready for this whole relationship thing yet, Mike. Maybe you need to tell this gal, hey, it's been great and everything, but I think I'm jumping in this too soon. Maybe we need to pump the brakes a little bit. Maybe the romance thing, I need to take a step back because I can see him slipping into some old tendencies. I don't know, I'm inferring a lot, I'm assuming a lot here. Maybe that's not the case, or fingers crossed you guys work out and everything's great and you can point and laugh at the bald man 20 years from now and go, yeah, he was so wrong. Don't know, there's no way of me knowing. Um, I don't know, what do you think? Mike from the UK, thank you Mike for that, appreciate it. Um, anything else? I'm not gonna say it. I have to. Ladies and germs. It's almost like a compulsion now. It's like a Tourette. I have to get it out. Um, what do they call that? A tic. It's like a tic that I have to release. Gotta say the ladies and germs. Um, let me bring this back up here. And the eyeballs are irritated today. I got some allergies and stuff that bother my eyes every now and then. Today is one of those days. All right, let me bring this up. Yeah, this goes— Mike, anybody, David, whoever, if you're a dude, oh, check it out. Uh, the Brotherhood, there's the link to join, helpformen.com/join, or just go to Help for Men, look for the Brotherhood link there, get you to the same place. Um, that's our private community for men only, all kinds of good stuff there. Would love for you guys to check it out. You know, you can just check it out for like a month 2 months. And if you're like, I don't really think this is for me, then you just quit. We don't keep charging you or anything. You have to hunt us down and say, give my money back. No, we just like, all right, you quit and you don't pay any more money, but you also don't get in our groups and the meetings and anything else anymore. And, uh, and away you go. I tell you, and I'm not saying this to brag— oh yes, I am, I'm bragging on us because we've worked really hard on this group. Um, almost 3/4 of our membership have paid for what we call a lifetime membership. It's a bigger upfront cost that they pay, and they do a one-time payment and they're done, and they don't have to worry about payments anymore. But they're like, I believe in this organization, I want to support it, I want to be here for life, I don't have to worry about monthly payments and my card getting canceled and all this other garbage. Here you go, here's money. And they don't have to pay anything ever again if they don't want to. And, um, that's almost 3/4 of our audience right there. So how cool is that? That says a lot about our group. That's relatively unusual for an online membership. And we lose very few guys every month. If we lose the guys, usually because his card, unbeknownst to him, bounced for whatever reason, you know, lost cards and everything else. And usually those guys come back like several months later and go, hey, what happened to my membership? I just realized something. I haven't heard from you guys in a while, and I can't log in anymore. What the hell? And then they rejoin. So we got a pretty good thing going there at thebrotherhoodhelpformen.com/join. Check it out. We would love to have you. All right, let me go back to the chat here. We got, we got— hold on, there it is— from the— how do you pronounce that? The, the bed— the bedizzle? Or is it— this could go either way— this is the septizzle? Or is this These— these— we'll call you T. T says, hey Ralph, newly married guy here, just wanted to say Dead Bedroom Fix was amazing. Even though I'm not in a dead bedroom, it's got a lot of great insights that every man should know. All right, I love it. You know, you don't hear from any guys just saying I'm going to just read this for the hell of it even though I'm getting a lot of nookie. But it could be a great, um, what do they call it, a prophylactic, no pun intended, a, um, Good preventative measure. Yeah, there you go. The Seb— the Seb Dizzle. Well, all right, Seb Dizz in the house. Very good. Do I want to know what that means? Uh, but welcome and thank you for the kind words. I appreciate it. Yeah, The Dead Bedroom Fix. And for those that missed it, I'm, I'm playing— I'm having fun with these little text thingies. The Dead Bed— it's deadbedroomfix.com. You can, uh, purchase the book directly from there or see the link to any of the retailers. Deadbedroomfix.com. It's available on Amazon, Audible, Apple Books, Barnes Noble, wherever books are sold. Um, I get a little— I put it out and I put that book out and all my books through some different, uh, programs that allow you to distribute your book to different sellers, retailers, even some outlets that like rent books to people online. I'm not sure how that works. And the Spotify, you know, every time— if you're a Spotify Premium member, you get access to audiobooks. It's on there as well. So every time somebody streams a portion of the book, I get a few pennies. Spotify does not pay well, You've heard these musical artists complaining about that, saying like, I got a billion streams and only made so many thousands of bucks. And it's like, yeah, I feel their pain. So I've had a month where like 6,000 people downloaded The Dead Bedroom Fix. I'm like, woohoo! And not much at all, guys, at all. So, but thank you, all you who have read it. And we're coming up here near the end of our time. Don't like to do these too awful long. Uh, any other questions? Thank you, Seb Dizzle, once again for that. I appreciate it. Thank you, Mike. Thank you, David. Who else? I am John. Thank you, John. Anybody else I am forgetting? Hello, Leah, again. Not my Leah, but hello, Leah. Um, anybody else? Going once, twice. If not, I will hang it up. It has been an absolute pleasure chatting with you guys again. Uh, try to do these more often. This week will probably be a good week for me doing these. Got no kiddos this week. Uh, kiddos always take up a lot of my time, although I got a boy who's going to be— everyone, um, wish him, send him good vibes, good luck. He is in the state wrestling tournament. Uh, he just won his region, his weight class's region. I'm very proud of my boys. A senior in high school, he's going to be wrestling in college, and, uh, he's— state tournament's coming up here Friday. He'll go Saturday as well if he continues on. So I'll be gone Friday, Saturday, but otherwise Monday through Thursday I'll have some time here to do some more of these lives. So be on the lookout. All right, ladies and germs, there it is. There's your last one of the day. Last ladies and germs. Oh shit, that was the last one. All right guys, thank you all so very much. I appreciate all of you and hope you have a wonderful rest of your day. A toodaloo!