Chat LIVE with Ralph (DSO)!

All right, all right, all right. Hello everybody, how are y'all doing today? It's been a while since I've done one of these live simply because I've been busy. I've been— I've written two new books. One is complete, out for sale, and you can find it at— hold on just one moment, where'd it go? I lost my place. There it is. Well, bam! Go to redflagsformen.com. redflagsformen.com. You can download the PDF directly from the website. This is, um, the new version of Red Flags. Red Flags was a book I wrote years ago, and it was like a relatively small— almost a glorified pamphlet, basically. You could read it in one sitting easily. And, um, I always looked at it, and I got a lot of compliments on a lot of downloads of it, but a lot of people saying it seems like a little lacking. And I agree. So I did version number 2, completely rewritten from— pardon me— from A to Z. Check it out at redflagsformen.com. And for this weekend, and this weekend only, and for you guys that are watching this on the— my glasses are dirty and it's bothering me— for you guys that are watching this on the recording later, I am, uh, recording this live or doing this as a live stream. What is today? The 29th. This is a Friday, August 29th. So for the weekend of Friday, August 29th, 2025— gotta put that out there in case somebody's watching this later— um, you can download the Kindle version of this for free off of Amazon. Free off of Amazon just for this weekend. So I want to get hundreds of people to download it, check it out, read it, and leave a review on Amazon if you could please. Let's, let's get— hit the ground running on this thing and get some good reviews. This is already ranked. I put it up for sale yesterday, got a good number of downloads on Amazon on the Kindle format. It's already ranked number 2 in its category. Out of all the books on Amazon. That's pretty damn cool, right? So let's keep it going, guys. So check it out, redflagsformen.com. You'll see the link to the Amazon, uh, listing there if you want to go get the free Kindle version or download the PDF version from the website for, I think, $9.99. So check it out, redflagsformen.com. What else? Let me bring up my comments here. What we got? Paul Martinez. I say it this— I don't know how you say it. You probably say Martinez, don't you? In my world, my mother is from Spain. I think I've mentioned this a few times. They pronounce their Z's with the very lippy sound. So we would say Paul Martinez. So, hola, Paul Martinez, how you doing? First timer, welcome, my friend. So, good little segue there into who the heck am I, what am I. Why am I so bald? Not by choice. Let's just get that out of the way. What am I doing talking here? My name is Ralph Brewer Brewer Brewer, and for years now I've been putting out content under the name of Dad Starting Over. Started off as a website with a blog, morphed into books, one of which really took off. Let me get rid of this little, uh, red flags thing for now. But one of the books that I wrote years ago, back in 2017, for whatever reason took off, and it did really well, to the point where I wrote 3 editions of that book. And that book was called The Dead Bedroom Fix, and you can learn more deadbedroomfix.com. That's my best-selling book. That's the biggest thing I've ever done, period. That brings a lot of people to me and my material. So, uh, wrote that book, wrote 4— 3 others, technically 4 others with this new edition of Red Flags. I got another book coming, by the way. It's currently with the editor. It's going to be maybe a couple of months before it gets out, maybe, hopefully. That book's called Rebuild. It's for guys rebuilding their lives, and, um, I'm excited about that one. I think that one's going to be my magnum opus. Is that what they call it? That's my biggest deal. That will be that book, hopefully. Fingers crossed. Um, so anyway, I've written a lot of books, created a lot of videos, video clips that you've seen. Maybe my bald head show up on your news feed on Facebook or YouTube or whatever it is. So thank you to everyone who has watched those, clicked on like, subscribe, and followed and all that good stuff. And, um, I talk about all things being a dude in, uh, in the world of relationships, if you will. All that relationshipy talk. Um, that's me. That's what I do. And I talk to a lot of divorced guys, a lot of guys that are going through troubled marriages. A lot of guys never had a good relationship and don't know, really know why. It's kind of evaded them all these years. And, um, I talked to men that are going through the awfulness of divorce and after divorce and dating after divorce, all that fun stuff. In addition to that, um, a couple years ago now, we started a larger organization called Help for Men, and you can go to help4men.com. But within Help for Men, we have a private support community just for men. And yes, it is behind a paywall, relatively small amount of money to join. That keeps out all the riffraff, keeps the ladies out too. So this is a group just for men. That's very, very important that we have a group just for men so we can all commiserate and talk and support each other. And we get, we get pretty deep. Pretty heavy in the group. We have a support, uh, or rather a discussion forum that's extremely active. Two different platforms. One, we use a private community group on Facebook. No one can see that you're in it, don't worry about that. And we also utilize Discord. Those are very, very active. In addition to that, we have Zoom meetings. We get together multiple times a week, every single week, hour at a time at least. We record all those meetings, we have them archived so you can listen to them from your phone or, or on a web stream player that we have for our members. We get together in person. We have an annual conference in the US that we do once a year, as well as one in Australia. Uh, what else do we do? All my books that I mentioned, no cost to our members. Um, people can chat with me one-on-one and book time with me if they want to. I talk to people every single day. If you're a member of our Brotherhood community, it's way cheaper to talk to me as well as other guys on the team. We have other guys on our team, the, the Brotherhood team. They're all coaches, as we call them. We want to call them mentors. We have that kind of guy that specializes in helping out dudes go through rough divorce. Guys— another guy, Austin, helps out people with a nice guy syndrome, your codependent, pushover kind of behavior. He has a whole program for overcoming that. Gus has a program for guys that are dealing with their wife going through menopause. Scott has a program for guys that are dealing with ADHD and autism. And everything in between. So guys, check us out, the Brotherhood at help4men.com. You can jump right to the join page at help4men.com/join, and you can see what it's all about, see the pricing and all the benefits, and see a little video of me talking all about it, all the good stuff. We would love to have you guys if you're a dude. Don't think that you can do this whole lone wolf, go through all this by myself and come out smelling good. Probably not. You can probably pull it off for a little bit, but in the end you realize that community support, help, is important. It is crucial to the point where I say if you got any dude that has any level of success in his life, I don't care what it is, he can point to others and say, that guy or gal helped me, they helped me, they helped me, I turned to my little group of mentors that helped me in all this, that's how I achieved a level of success. And that comes to just your day-to-day life stuff. How many of us dudes just don't have friends, man? We don't, we don't talk to anybody on a regular basis. That's not like our wife, probably for a lot of you watching this, ex-wife now, maybe your new girlfriend. Beyond that, you know, to put all your emotional mental health on the shoulders of your romantic partner, not a good thing. So check it out, BrotherhoodHelpForMen.com/join. And Jacques— well, we got Paul Martinez, we got Jacques Theron. That's a cool name. Isn't there a celebrity named that? It was Theron. Theron. Who's Theron? It's a female. It's coming to me. Um, Charlize Theron. That's it. Yes, Charlize Theron. I think she— is she originally from South Africa? Um, which brings up a point, guys. Where are you from? I'd love to see where everybody's from. So if you're on YouTube— Paul and Jacques are on YouTube. Welcome, guys. Thank you, YouTube audience. Or on Facebook. Finally, Facebook gave me the thumbs up to do live streams again. They're still not paying me any money because I was— if you haven't heard me bitch about this, I've talked about it like the last couple of live streams I did— Facebook seems to think I was soliciting for sex. No joke. You're like, Ralph, what? I know, I was as shocked as you are. Uh, I apparently one of the AI algorithm picked up on some post that I made, which was a screenshot of somebody's Reddit post, and I was commenting on it. By some keywords within that image of a post, a text post, it— the, the robot says you must be soliciting for sex. I'm like, okay, you completely misunderstood what this was. This is what this post is about. They still took it down. And then they say you can't make money on Facebook anymore. I have appealed to their board of whatever, nothing yet, so I'm not going to hold my breath. Facebook has gone like completely AI, everything's automated, and a lot of people like me are complaining about it. Pages are getting taken down. The Dad Starting Over thing may get taken down. Sorry guys. There's a separate page just for— called Help for Men on Facebook if you're a big Facebook person. facebook.com/realhelpformen. Real Help for Men is the little— what a handle, whatever you want to call it. Subscribe to that too. A lot of the content that you see on Dad Starting Over is also posted there, so that's a good way to make sure you don't miss yours truly. But anywho, uh, we got, uh, Alex from California. Welcome, a left coaster. All right, Alex. Where's everybody else from? Paul, Jacques, Fight for Better Now. Where are you guys from? Fight for Better Now is a regular. Hey, howdy, Mr. Fight, good to see you again. Thank you all for joining me today. And if you missed it, if you're just now joining us, I saw a few more people came in, the stragglers here. We got Lucas from Michigan. Hey, are you a Yooper, Mr. Lucas? I always love saying that for people from— I learned about the Yoopers, the Upper Peninsula people, they call themselves Yoopers. Learned about that years ago, and I don't know why it's still stuck in my head. Oh cool, so Mr. Jacques, you are also from South Africa, and Charlize as well. Let's just, let's just say like Charlize is your cousin or something. That would be cool. And Paul from Texas. Whereabouts in Texas, Mr. Paul? I am right now in the Dallas-Fort Worth area. I am in Plano right now as we speak. Mr. Bo says howdy. Howdy, Bo. Where are you from, buddy? Would love to see where everybody's at. We got people from all over. We got South Africans, we got Texans, we got Michigans, Californians. How cool is that? All of us together in harmony. Anywho, uh, what else I got going here? Is there something else I was going to say? I got distracted. Uh, help4men.com/join. Uh, hey, you should join us. Bro Fest. Go to Bro Fest. I got a lot of domains here, guys, that I've purchased. I'm going to use the hell out of them. Go to brofest2026.com. All these domains jump you to the Help for Men website, but I just to make it easier, I bought these domains. BroFest2026.com. BroFest is our annual gathering that we get together. You can meet myself in person, the rest of the Alpha Men Team, and we have some special guests coming to BroFest2026.com. Do you guys know Lauren, the Dadvocate, the lady who has the very viral videos all about— she advocates for men's rights in the form of child custody and after divorce, and she talks about relationship stuff like I do. Way more popular than I am. She gets millions and millions of views. She's going to be joining us at brofest2026.com. You can meet myself and Lauren. And by the way, how about Dr. Robert Glover? He's the author of only the most popular men's self-help book of all time, No More Mr. Nice Guy. Author of No More Mr. Nice Guy, Dr. Robert Glover. I consider him a— I guess you could say a friend, colleague. We've done events together and collaborated here on YouTube and Facebook and so forth before. So if you want to meet Dr. Glover in person, hang out for the weekend with him and myself and Lauren, as well as— you may have seen me do a live with Adam Nissenson. Adam is the— he goes by the Betrayal Shrink. He helps out guys that have gone through the whole awfulness of being— going through betrayal and being cheated on, everything. He'll be with us at BroFest as well. He's also a specialist, a certified specialist in sex addiction. There's a seedy topic. Um, if you missed our last live stream, you can go to the recordings on Facebook and YouTube and check it out. Adam and I talking about sex addiction, pornography, and everything else. Really cool stuff. We got Bo from Jersey. Joisey. You know, just as a little aside, Mr. Bo, it's, it's, it's very much— and not sure yet, but we're potentially moving to your part of the world. Actually, New York, but you know, hey, close enough, right? So how cool is that? Abilene, Texas. Very cool. Canadian. All right, a Canuck. How cool is that? Mr. Kev— well, Mr. Kevin, very cool. And Kevin is saying nice program because, Kevin, uh, you are a member of the Brotherhood, correct? Yes. All right, cool. Welcome everybody, so nice to see you. Here's how these live streams work. Um, I'm gonna— Lucas, come back to you in a second, but thank you, Lucas, for kicking this off. Um, how these live streams work. I usually don't come with like an express purpose of, guys, this is what I want to talk about. What I usually do is say, guys, here I am, I am at your disposal. If you have any questions for yours truly, now's the time to ask. If you got a story you want to share, get some feedback from myself and the other guys and gals joining us here today, now's the time to do so. Don't be shy, let us have it. Let me hear what you got to say. Questions— if you've read some of my books, you're like, I got a question about something in one of your books, I got a question about something, one of your videos that you had. I'm not quite clear on it. Whatever it may be, guys, let me have it. That's what I'm here for. I'm not to sit here and just sell shit and, and talk non-stop about whatever. I am here to help you out however I can and give you my two cents, for whatever that's worth. We got Lucas on YouTube says, uh, he's from the lower half of Michigan. Cool. Just listen to The Dead Bedroom Fix. Thank you. My most popular book, deadbedroomfix.com. Um, And it was a royal kick in my ass. Well, very good. Within a couple of hours of listening, I was able to notice I was making some of this— some of the 5 mistakes. Thank you. If you want to know what he's talking about, check it out at deadbedroomfix.com. Um, again, my— oh, that's the course. Hold on, hold on. deadbedroomfix.com, my most popular thing I've ever done. So I get more people coming to me because that— emailing me every day because of that book. So thank you so very much, Mr.— who was that? Mr. Lucas. I appreciate it. Thank you for buying and reading the book. And guys, check deadbedroomfix.com. We got Jacques saying, question: if you have extra time, how can a dad— if I have extra time? I got all the time in the world here. I'm, I'm here for you, brother. Uh, if you have extra time, how can a dad support his 14-year-old daughter that is experiencing loyalty issues with her mom and experiences parental alienation? Um, please explain further. Let me get rid of this here, it's distracting me. Mr. Jacques. Uh, loyalty issues, I'm not sure what that means. So she, the daughter, is experiencing loyalty issues. That means she's kind of stuck between the two of you, you and the ex, like she's— whether she's loyal to one or the other. And, uh, parental alienation, meaning mom is kind of, uh, oh, what's the word, um, demonizing you. To the daughter saying your dad's bad, this is how your dad's bad. Is that what you're talking about? Make sure. I'm going to assume those both and I will ramble on. Um, here's what I say to a lot of guys. The only thing you could do in this case is be an awesome, loving, sweet, supportive dad to your child. You do not under any circumstances badmouth the ex. Yeah, but she's badmouthed me. I don't give a shit. You don't stoop that low. So when daughter says to you, Mom says that you blah blah blah, insert lie here, you just go, well, I'm sorry to hear that she said that. That's, that's got to be rough to hear, but I can assure you, daughter, it's not true. If you got any questions about anything, you just ask me. All right, done. Um, Dad, Mom did this bad thing, this bad— and it was— oh, sorry to hear that, kiddo. Um, if there's ever a time like you don't feel safe or you don't feel, you know, whatever, and blah blah blah, you know, you can always call me, FaceTime me, whatever. If you're at mom's, I'm here for you. And if you ever want to come to dad's, if it's okay with mom, you're more than welcome to do so. I'm here for you, daughter. Um, at 14 years of age, this is a very sensitive time. Um, you know, pubertal thing, going into womanhood thing. It's— for a lot of young girls, it's a very, very difficult time. My daughter, who's now 20 one going on 22 years of age. Um, it was a very difficult time for her as well. There's depression, there's all kinds of stuff. So it's really tough on, on some girls. And, um, just be that steady no matter what the chaos, no matter what the crazy from ex— her mom is whatever, you are above that. You're the steady rock under her feet. That, that girl needs that more than anything right now, especially this teenage time. Um, And she's trying to make mom feel good, you say? Yeah, this is something that a lot of— I don't know if this is your case, Jacques, but, um, a lot of men that I talk to have a very difficult time with— my ex, the mother to my children, did these bad things. Everyone knows of bad things, whatever those bad things may be. It caused all kinds of chaos. It broke up our family. Whatever it may be. And yet I'm watching the kids sometimes side with mom, or they're empathetic to mom, or they want to go to mom's. They want to leave dad's early. They want to go to mom's, or understand that that's their mother. That's mommy. They don't give a shit about mom cheated, mom whatever it may be. Just understand that they sometimes may miss mommy, even if you're looking at mommy going, but mommy's an objectively bad parent. What are you doing? Mommy's hanging out with men and screwing half the town. They don't care about any of that. All they know is they have a very real need for wanting mom. What's a real heartbreaker for some guys is when even if the guy's like, hey, I understand, hey, you're not hurting dad's feelings, don't worry about that, you want to go see mom, let's call mom and see if she's open to that idea. And sometimes mom's like, um, I'm out of the country, or I didn't tell you guys, but I'm out of town with my boyfriend, or but I can't see kid. And the kid's just heartbroken because at that time they just wanted mommy for what, insert reasons, whatever it may be, and mom's not there. Now you got to be extra supportive to the kiddo, um, when it comes to, you know, their feelings about mom and everything. But you're never anti-mom, you're never anti-they-go-see-mom or they want to talk about mom or whatever it may be. You're just like, I'm here for you, whatever it may be. Um, Paul says you're having a hard time believing that you're going through a divorce. What are the chances of getting back together after divorce? Statistic-wise, I would say the stats are not in your favor, my friend. I'm assuming by the fact that you're like, I have a hard time believing this is going on, that your soon-to-be ex is— let's just, let's scrape the soon-to-be thing, my friend. Your ex-wife is the one who initiated the divorce. Is that true, Paul? I hate these talking via the comments. We can't talk live here, there's always a delay here. If so, your chances are next to none. You, my friend, if you're like most of the men I've talked to, need to come to terms with the fact that you've been dumped. And when you've been dumped, the adult strong thing to do is to say, I understand, I'm sorry to hear that. Still a part of me that loves you and will always love you as the former ex-wife, mother to my children, whatever it may be. But you want to move on to something else away from me? Understood. I wish you all the best. And then you go cry in your pillow and do all your stuff, but you do that on your own time. You don't go chasing after her and take me back, whatever. That just pushes them away even further. The time between you and the wife is over. I'm sorry, my friend. If you want to talk to me about— with— about this whole thing with me one-on-one, you can do so. Go to help4men.com, go to coaching, and you can chat with me. Join our support community, the Brotherhood. Let me go bring up that banner again. Pardon me here for a second. Um, you can go here and talk to a bunch of other dudes, Paul, who have been in your exact shoes, my friend. Myself included. I was there. I'm not talking out of school here, dude. When, um, when all the shit went down with my ex like 13 years ago now, uh, my knee-jerk reaction— it's funny, let me pause that train of thought. When you ask a lot of guys that are currently married, hey dude, what would you do if you discovered that your wife is having an affair? A lot of men, you know, puff up their chest and say, I'll tell you what I do. I throw her ass out on the front yard, I throw all her shit in the driveway, and I call her mom and say, come pick up your daughter. And then I'd start banging every woman in town, right? Like the ultra masculine vindictive thing to do, to show like, that's not going to hurt me, darn it. But I tell you what, the majority of men, when they find this shit out, you know what they do? They go to wife and say, can we please not blow up our family for this? Can we just pause things for a bit? 'Can we figure this out? Can we do what we can to stay together as a couple, stay together as parents to these kids? Why are we blowing up this family? Let's not do this.' That's, that's what the majority of men in these situations say. So you're probably kind of stuck in the middle of that, aren't you? Your head's spinning, like, 'What are we doing? We got to keep the family together. We got to keep ourselves as a couple together. This is nuts.' I'm here to tell you, my friend, it gets better when eventually you come to terms with and accept, like, this is over. Believe it or not, after you go through hell— you will go through hell one way or the other. Even if you guys stay together, it'd still be a form of hell, trust me. Um, you eventually get past all that and you're like, I'm actually glad I went through this. I'm actually glad I'm on my own now. I'm actually glad that that chapter is behind me. I'm grateful for a lot of what happened in during that chapter, but now that I'm in this new chapter, I like this new me and this new life and everything else. And what some men do— some men have been cheated on and everything else, maybe even multiple times— what they experience, almost a, um, retroactive— I don't know if that's the right term— like this, this new wave of depressing thoughts that center around, why didn't I do this earlier? What was wrong with me to keep me stuck in that relationship for so long with somebody like that? What does it say about me? Am I weakling? Am I a wuss? Am I a simp, as the kids say these days? Or what's going on with me? That's a whole other level of what the F, right? And you will probably experience that as you go through this. But just realize you're not weak for having these feelings. You're, you're cool, dude. You're normal. You're a human being. You're a man, regardless of what some people may tell you. But you do need to let her go. Um, it's over. I know that hurts more than anything, but just trust me and others that have been through this. I'm sure maybe we'll get some fellow commenters here that will agree with me and give their experience and all this. But Paul, you'll be all right, dude. If you need some help, there's nothing wrong with that. Go to help4men.com/join. Join our support community. You post your story on our group and you're going to have hundreds of men on there responding to you right away. Saying what they did, how they went through it, and they're here to talk. And you can chat one-on-one with them, probably in separate little chats, or chat with the group, or chat with myself, get in a meeting and talk about it. But it's okay, raise your hand, say you need a little help here, which is kind of what you're doing right now. And that's cool, that's why I'm here and other guys are here for. So, uh, but I appreciate you sharing. Thank you, Paul. And he says he appreciates it. Well, thank you. And, uh, you know, that's tough. And I'm gonna— I apologize, I missed one. Mr. Kenneth, Ken— Kenneth A. from Facebook says, oh my God, I need help, triangulation. Okay, you want to share more, Mr. Kenneth? That sounds— when you say, oh my God, I need help, that doesn't sound good, but then you followed up with the triangulation. I'm like, so is the ex— is the wife triangulated? For those that don't know, the triangulation terminology. Um, it's funny what comes in and out of, out of popularity in our world of relationship talk. And one of those things is, um, right now everyone is talking about everyone as a narcissist. Everybody that they're having difficulties within a relationship that is really toxic and chaotic and everything, men and women both read stuff online. They're like, I think this person's a narcissist. And then we have a lot of language that goes with it, such as triangulation and so forth, and which is basically where the— this— I always use the term toxic, another way overused term— toxic person, dysfunctional, proper term— starts saying, it starts bringing in others. For example, this is a very common one: my wife says I'm bad for these reasons. I say this doesn't make any sense, why are you saying this now, what's going on? And then they'll bring in mother. Like your mother-in-law, her mother, saying, my mother agrees. And the mother's like, yeah, I agree, you're, you're an abusive asshole. And you're like, what, what's going on here? You got— now I got two people against me. They're triangulating you, so to speak. That's my understanding of the concept. So you're saying you're experiencing that. And I'm going to scroll down to Kenneth's follow-up. He says, love bombing, that's what happens to men. And like you said, we want to keep our family together, our family together. The things I learn acting pro se kind of cryptic. I don't know what's going on there. Maybe, Kenneth, you would just want to start from a— start from the beginning, buddy. I'm Kenneth and this is what's going on with me. You know, start with, oh my God, I need help, but then triangulation and now love bombing. You're just throwing out terms here. Um, none of us know you, Kenneth. That's why I say pretend we're 12-year-olds that just wandered in and you have to explain to them what's going on. And my experience is— Larry from Facebook, uh, your divorce was in divorce or Your divorce was in October of 2023. Once she checked out, that was it. It took me 4 years of separation to finally come to terms with that truth and end it, uh, because she wouldn't. I even suggested that after a few years maybe we could try again, and that was a fantasy. It's so important to realize that it's the end. Work on yourself, your own trauma, and grow into a different, stronger man, and learn to love yourself and stop seeking validation from a woman. This too shall pass. And you're going— is there more to this? And you're going, going. That's the last I see here. That's what I see on screen. And you're going, you're going. Is there more? It's all I can see on my screen. I apologize. Maybe if I jump over to Facebook. Oh, here it is. I can see the full thing on Facebook. And you're going to realize that once you're out of the situation, that life can be even better than before. Larry, very well put. Thank you, brother. That's very well put. Um, so read that a few times, Mr. Paul. He just summarized everything I said in much, much better language, so thank you. Um, but yeah, Paul and everyone else going through something similar, yeah, it's over, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. It's right now an acutely bad thing, but overall not so much. Uh, I see people liking. Thank you very much, guys. If you could take a moment, wherever you're watching this, um, if it's on Facebook, give the little post that you're watching this on a like, if you could please. Just click the little thumb up thingy that says like next to it. If you think this is really good, you can share it with others. Uh, you can like the account that you're watching this on, whether it's Facebook or YouTube. Subscribe or like, all these things help me a great deal. Thank you so very much. So give me a like, give me a subscribe, follow, whatever it is that tells the Facebooks and YouTubes over the world that this guy's good, other people should see him. That helps out a great deal. I'm distracted because I'm seeing myself. I have me on a Facebook screen over here on video, but it's delayed by a few seconds, so every time I do this, a second later I do that. It's okay. I'm going to minimize that to get that out of here. That's a little distracting. Anywho, all right, let me get rid of that. All right, cool. Anybody else have anything that you wish to talk about? Maybe Kenneth, you want to follow up on your issues there? Do I have water? I'm thirsty. Oh, I do. Pardon me. Talk amongst yourselves. All right, anybody got plans for the weekend? Me? Not really. Um, Larry, following up, says, oh yeah, my ex loved labels. She labeled me a covert narcissist. True, I did have some toxic behaviors and I had to change those. That was my work to do and I did it over those 4 years of separation. Well, good for you. I think we all have shit to deal with. Oh yeah, and no one else can do it for us. We're in charge of our own healing. Also very well said, Mr. Larry. You should join our group, the Brotherhood. Help for men— where is it? I mean, it's hard to point. Help4men.com/join. Look at that right there. See that bubble right there? You should join that right there, Mr. Larry. Um, that is a good point that a lot of men that are hurting do not want to hear. That's what I've learned over the years of doing this. You know, I'm very pro-male, and I'm very much an advocate for men and all their issues and what I went through. But, um, one thing— there are some negatives about men, especially men that are hurting. And one of those negatives that I see again and again is when men are very much in the early stages of being, like, betrayed. For example, let's say we found— the guy finds out his wife cheated and he's going through a bunch of shit and he starts throwing out a lot of negative stuff about her in particular, women in general, and he's going through all that. And then you hear his story and you realize homeboy is not completely infallible here. He's got some shit he's got to work on too. Pardon me, a little gassy today. At the very least, the guy is, um, probably very codependent in his behavior, very attached. He's hanging on to a person who doesn't want him. He's like, dude, you got some shit you need to work on this. And the men are almost irate and violent about, no, I don't. She's the one with all the problems. I'm Mr. Perfect. It's like, with time, usually we understand. After Mr. Larry here talked about 4 years later of working on stuff, you realize, oh yeah, I got problems too. By no means does it excuse the woman's infidelity, like what I'm talking about with those examples. There's way better ways of dealing with stuff than going on and cheating on your partner and lying and betraying and do all this other stuff that goes with it. But you have to realize you got with a person like that for a reason. You— and you hung on for a reason. You brought some toxic behaviors as well to the relationship. And if you don't, like, get all that shit figured out— here's a negative that you'll find me saying over and over again— you are going to do this all over again with the next woman. And for most of you watching this, there will be a next woman. And for most of you watching this, you'll be surprised how quick it happens, because a lot of you do not like to be alone. That's another negative that a lot of men don't like to hear come out of my mouth. A lot of you men do not like to be alone at all. How common it is that I hear from a guy say, so wife says she's going to file for divorce, we got the lawyers all worked out and doing their thing or whatever. We haven't even got the divorce papers filed yet or anything like that. We're in the process of figuring it all out. So anyway, I opened a dating, uh, app account. I'm like, dude, what? What? You're not even like— the paperwork's not even signed or anything yet, and you're— you haven't got a deal worked out with, with the ex, and you're still living under the same roof, sometimes even still sleeping in the same bed. But you're— and you're already on dating apps because the men just do not like to be alone. The idea of being alone scares the shit out of them. In their defense, a lot of them are just really horny because their wife had nothing to do with them for a period of years. So he's like, woohoo, now you get to go out and get some. And then they meet some psychos, and then they start the process all over again. Some of them fall in love really fast, and they get married again really fast, and all hell breaks loose. That's another thing, guys just do not like to be alone. And I— there's a little video clip I did that got not viral necessarily, but popular for me. Thousands and thousands of views and comments and stuff. And it was me spitting off some facts about remarriage rates, men versus women. And men that go through divorce remarry at a much higher rate than women that go through a divorce. Another thing men don't like to hear me talk about: women tend to do better when they're single than men do. Sorry guys, I'm a fellow dude here. Been single, went through all that. I've helped out hundreds and hundreds of dudes over the years, but I will tell you, women tend to do better emotionally, mentally when alone. Because why? Are they just better mentally built in for singleness or whatever? No, it's usually because they did a much better job of building a network, a social network, friends, friends of friends, family. They stay connected way better than we do. So they're not instantly looking for someone to fill a void. How to put this— for a lot of men, that wife that cheated and left him represented friendship, companionship, romance, love. Like, he put everything that wasn't him, he put it on the shoulders of her. And so when she leaves, he's like, gotta replace her. I don't know what the hell to do without this. I'm lost. I'm like a lost little puppy dog. I don't know where to go, what to do. While the wife who's gone through a divorce, let's say her husband cheats, you know, which happens statistically more often than the other way around. I know a lot of guys don't want to hear that one either, um, but, um, she has the best friend and the other best friend and the kindest friend and the lady from work that she does dinner with every now and then, and then her Aunt So-and-so that she likes to hang out with and her sister, and you get my point. They have a lot more people to turn to. Men need to work on building that network. We really do. It really shines a light on where we're lacking as men. And then Fight for Better Now makes a good post. As a general rule of thumb, anytime you're having trouble in a relationship, you always want to fix yourself first. It's the only thing you can control, right? I mean, you could sit there with your arms crossed and pout and say, you need to change, darn it. It doesn't fucking work. It never does. Sorry, language. Best case scenario, you get better and the relationship gets better. There you go. Or you get better and they say, I don't like you anymore, and you go, that's cool, because guess what? I'm better now. I'm a mentally, emotionally, maybe physically stronger, healthier person. Um, Scott from Facebook says, wife said she was done. We have 4 kids. I tried all summer to prevent the divorce. At the last straw, when the house was up for sale, offer accepted, she decided she didn't try hard enough to see if it would work. Good timing, woman. Jesus Christ. We canceled the house sale and 3 weeks later she is back wondering if I am the right person. She started therapy yesterday, but I'm scheduling time with an attorney. The push-pull dynamic in the relationship of the person with disorganized attachment style is torture. Um, I'm sorry, brother, you're going through that. Yeah, sounds like she's going through something, whatever that is, and that's not necessarily your responsibility to, to deal with these Definitely not your responsibility to fix it. You can't do that. But to sit there on the sidelines and watch it and just deal with it, you don't have to do that either. That sounds exhausting. I'm going to divorce you. And then house for sale? No, I don't. House not for sale. I want to divorce you. Oh Christ, you're doing the good thing by going to the attorney. Let me throw some logs on the anxiety fire here, if I may, Scott. Sorry, but I'm probably not the only one wondering this. Um, and I am prejudiced in, in this line of thinking. I'm the first to say that. I'm not looking at this from a completely, um, what's the word I'm looking for? My point of view has been most definitely influenced by my own personal experience and those of the relatively small group of men. I mean, it's in the thousands by now, but you know what I mean. It's not a good representation of society as a whole. I have— I speak to a a very, um, specific group of men in, in our world. Of those men, and of my personal experience, I can tell you a lot of us have seen this back and forth, back and forth. And what a lot of us— not all of us, but what a lot of us, uh, finally learn is, oh, there was somebody else in the picture. Scott, has that ever occurred to you, um, that when you talk about the back and forth, that, that having an affair a lover on the side, a second relationship outside of your primary relationship, it seems especially in women to really bring out that up and down, back and forth. What's going on with them? One minute they love me, one minute they hate me. One minute they're acting like we're a family again, the next minute they're acting like a single person. It's like, what the hell's going on here? Oh, it's an affair. Now it makes sense. So Scott, just put that out there. I just wonder if there's— if you ever considered that. Scott says you have to have friends outside your marriage. Absolutely. Larry says, I totally agree with you on this. I had never lived alone my entire adult life except between my first divorce, and, uh, and at that time I had, uh, young kids with me half the time. The year after the divorce was learning to be okay being alone. I hadn't had sex in over 4 years, which was rough. I can imagine. But I realized I wouldn't die without it. It's true. So now I'm very comfortable with being alone. Well, it's— there's a Being alone, um, which for strangely, sadly, for a lot of men means not with a woman. So when a lot of men like prop themselves up going, I'm happy being alone, it's like, well dude, you— we still— we're human beings, we need community. Need, yes, I'll throw that out there. We do, for our mental health, um, we need to be in contact with other humans on a regular basis. We need to know we have somebody we can turn to when shit goes south, which it will. It's life. Things have gone squirrely in my life. I turn to Bob, Dave, Matt, Joe, whatever it may be, for help. Or Mom, Dad, brother. When we don't have that, the things go haywire, which is why it's so heartbreaking to hear so many guys tell me that— this is so common— I was part of a community, I had an excellent group of friends, I was there near my extended family, and then we picked up 'Pulled up stakes and moved across the country because of a job opportunity,' or 'because to be closer to her family because my ex was going nuts,' or whatever it is. And then all hell broke loose and we were divorced, and now I'm left there on an island basically alone with no support network. This sucks. Those men realize that sucks. So I don't recommend that to a lot of guys. Lesson learned. Been there, done that one. Um, oh, so I'm going through comments here. Sorry, distracted. So yeah, so, uh, Larry and others, um, I hope being alone doesn't mean like being alone alone. So get out there, talk to people. See that little, little, uh, domain there in the corner? help4men.com/join. Community, like-minded dudes all trying to help each other out. Would love for you to join. Scott says, I am an anxious dude. Well, welcome to the club, brother. Myself and most of the men that, uh, uh, come to me for help, my audience and social media, as well as the majority of our group at the Brotherhood, are anxious in nature. Anxious in both their demeanor, personality traits filled with anxiety, very sensitive people. A lot of men on the autism spectrum, ADHD, neurodivergent, makes them also a little extra sensitive. And also anxious in terms of their attachment to their partner, or the ones that pursue and the ones that are always worried about what did that mean, what does she mean by that, she looks funny, what's wrong with her, she's acting different, she touched me differently, she only kissed me twice yesterday and usually she kisses me 4 times. That's a very anxious attachment thing, not the most attractive thing in men, and something that a lot of guys need to work on. A lot of guys do work on, and ironically, what happens when they work on that and they become more secure The anxious is a form of insecurity, insecure attachment. Um, when they become more secure, they tend to drop their very avoidant partner. They realize, what have I been doing all these years? I don't know if you can relate to any of that, Mr. Scott. Larry says you met someone about 9 months ago and you see her about once a week. Cool. You have no desire to get married again. Cool. Is she cool with that? And I'm willing to commit and stay true to the one I am with. Excellent. You know, there's a That's an unspoken thing which I think is probably more common than not, which are people that are, um, 40s, 50s, and beyond that are like, I've done the married thing, I had the kids thing, I, I do want some companionship, some romantic companionship. A lot of men in their 40s, 50s, and beyond say, I still got it going on physically, I still have that need for that, and I'm a romantic guy, I like, you know, love and romance and dating and everything else, but I have no interest in cohabitating and doing the whole marriage thing all over again. And they are finding women that are like, yeah, me too. Like, cool. She has her house and her kids half the time. He has his house and his kids. They get together once or twice a week and they're perfectly happy with that, and they're cool with that. Maybe they go on vacations together, trips together, whatever, events. But as far as intertwining their life 24/7, they're like, I got no desire for that. And that's cool. And, and Larry talking about community was vital in his healing. Yes, very much so. Cool. Staying unmarried, she's cool with that. Excellent. Good job, Larry. Mr. Gert, I apologize if I'm mispronouncing that, on Facebook says, feel alone? Talk to some old friends from your time in the military. 99% of them are divorced. He's not lying, folks. Listen to them. Also pay attention to your ex's friends during and after the divorce. A lot of the stuff will become clearer. Um, yeah, Gert, you're talking about the military thing. Um, we offer a discount, um, and you'll see it if you go to the Brotherhood page at help4men.com/join. We have a link for military veterans. If you have proof of your military membership, I guess you could say, your time in the military, a document, and you send that to us, we have the ability to check on that. We have a system that we can check to see that you're in fact part of the military We were like, cool, and we let you in at a big fat discount. Honestly, you basically get in for next to nothing into our group. We love the military guys. They make the best, um, members— very active and strong, strong-willed, and all that good stuff. Uh, but I'll tell you what, Gert and others, uh, that are in the military will laugh when I say military and marriage problems go together like cheese and wine, man. I don't know what it is about the military that lends itself to all kinds of freaking marital drama. Infidelity is rampant on both sides of the aisle, whether it's the guy stationed overseas cheating or it's the woman he left behind cheating. The woman he left behind cheating is way more common than what you guys think if you're part of the civilian world and you're not aware of that world. Holy shit, yeah, they even have a name for the guy that she's cheating with. They call him Jody. I don't know where that came from, but you'll hear about guys talking about busting his wife with the Jody and all this other stuff, and It's a big deal and very common in the military life. My father was a military career, military. He was an enlisted guy, non-commissioned officer. He, uh, retired as a chief master sergeant in the U.S. Air Force. So, uh, I know that world well, and it has its drama. Paul says, gotta go, thanks for the advice. I will check out your books. Well, thank you, Paul, and check out the Brotherhood while you're at it, and then you get all the books for free. So basically, the cost of joining the Brotherhood you get all my books for free. All that other cool stuff, if you were to buy all the books together, they would be the cost of joining the group for like 3 months. So yeah, take your pick. Join the group and get all that cool stuff, including all the books for free and the meetings and the forums and the all— and 1,000+ hours of audio and all that kind of cool stuff. Or go buy my books one at a time. Take your pick. I know what I would pick, but I'm a little biased. Um, I'd never take a discount for being in the military or being a vet. Well, why not, Mr. Gert? Nothing wrong with that. That's our way of saying thank you, brother. We appreciate everything you do. We know that's not an easy thing to be in the military. We know it's a stressful thing. We know you sacrifice quite a bit to be in that. And so that's just our way of saying thanks, dude. So check it out, help4men.com/join. Guys, I should run as well. I do thank you for your time, though. If there are no other questions— every time I do this, usually the questions come. Guys are like, wait! So now's the time. If you got a question or comment or whatever, now, yeah, please make it now. Um, before I wrap her up today, I want to make sure you guys know— let me get rid of this banner here. These are called little banners. There, boop! New book, guys! The new edition of Red Flags just came out. Completely different book, new book. But probably like 90% new. redflagsformen.com, check it out. And this weekend, and this weekend only, and I am again doing this live on August— I'm gonna get ahead of myself— August 29th, Friday, August 29th is when I'm doing this live. For those people that are watching this on a recording later, this weekend, Saturday, today, Saturday and Sunday, you can get Red Flags, the new edition, on Amazon Kindle format free, no charge. So go to redflagsformen.com, click on the Amazon link there, and you'll get to see the Kindle version. You can download it and, uh, read it to your heart's content at no charge whatsoever. All I ask is if you could please leave me a review. Every little bit helps. Thank you very much. Leave a review. redflagsformen.com. And then Gert says, what you said about military marriage is true. Jody is real. Your dad wasn't lying. LOL. Very good. All right, guys, um, thank you all so very much. I appreciate all of you for watching. Thank you, thank you for following all the videos and everything else and clicking like and sharing and everything. It helps out a great deal. And, uh, that's it for me. So guys, we'll catch you on the next one. A toodaloo!