Chat LIVE with Ralph (DSO)!

Everyone, welcome, welcome. Let me switch my feed here. Hey everybody, how are all of you today? Welcome, 'tis I, your buddy Raffalito, coming to you live, trying something new. I have not marketed, advertised, or whatever this live in any way, shape, or form. Usually I create like the event on Facebook or put it on YouTube, share it with the audience, blah blah blah, but now I'm just I have time here, unexpected. Let's do a live, right? It's good for creating some content and getting the word out. I see we have a few people joining us already, so welcome, welcome. If you guys could, um, say howdy, let me know where you're from. Just say, hey, this is Joe from Indiana, or wherever it is you're from. I always find it interesting to see where everybody's from all over the world. We, uh, we do a pretty good job of hitting people from all corners of the earth when we do one of these, so Say howdy, let me know where you're from. Uh, for those that don't know, by the way, I also want to say this: I am recording this at 1 PM Eastern time on Friday, August 9th. I'm saying that because it— Facebook, for example, posts the recording of this, uh, live stream on your feed, so it shows up, it's just normal feed, you see me talking, and some people seem to think it is live. And I will have people interacting with this and commenting on it, asking questions of me days after this. So this has gone on, or this is going live 1 PM Friday, August 9th, 1 PM Eastern Time Friday, August 9th. So if you are looking at this on a Saturday or Sunday or whatever, this is a recording. I appreciate the effort, but this is a recording. All right, cool. We got Chris from Minnesota via Denver. Well, now I'm confused. So you're in Minnesota but originally from Denver. Well, welcome, Mr. Something from Nothing from YouTube. Welcome, welcome. Thank you for joining. Appreciate it. My name is Ralph Brewer. You are watching this on a channel called Dad Starting Over. You may have seen my beautiful bald head, a lot of little videos that popping up on all your social media feeds because I pump out like a lot of these. Is it officially how many dozens a week we pump out? Yeah, and close to like 100 pieces of content every week video-wise, not to mention regular posts, pictures, tweets, all that other stuff. Anywho, so you may have seen me from that. That's where you're watching this now, is on the Dad Starting Over feed. Um, I've been doing the Dad Starting Over thing for, shoot, 7+8 years now. Uh, most people, uh, know me from one particular book I wrote. I've written 4 books total, but one took off, and that book was on— I've written books on a variety of different topics: divorce, finding a new mate. I got a book for young men called Real Talk: No Bullshit Life Advice for Young Men, another book called Red Flags, another book called Divorce Panic. But most popular book, believe it or not, is one that is devoted solely to the topic of sex and marriage— why it goes down, in my opinion, opinion of a lot of experts, and what you can do about it. And that took off, and that gets a lot of people taking in a lot of my material. And that book was called The Dead Bedroom Fix. So if you are a fan of that book, let me know. Um, we got Fight for Better Now from YouTube says, from Cincinnati. Well, I have a Cincinnati connection. My wife did a fellowship at Cincinnati Children's Hospital. She's a physician, she's a pediatric surgeon, and Cincinnati Children's is a huge, big, really well-known children's hospital. Another one would be like Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh. CHOP is another big one. Cincinnati, those are like number 1 and 2 from what I know. So that's— I know all about Cincinnati. Spent a lot of time in Cincy years ago. What's the name of the barbecue place here? It's really good. I can't remember, but it was awesome. Kind of off the beaten path on the east side of town, if I remember right. Yeah, I think so. Anywho, really good. And, uh, so welcome, welcome guys from YouTube. Cool to see guys from YouTube right off the bat. Um, usually Facebook fills it up, so, uh, let's see. Anywho, um, other pieces of housekeeping here before we get into it. We have a new quote-unquote website, a new venture if you will, a new brand as of a few months ago now, and it's called Help for Men. If you can see the thingy behind my head here, helpformen.com, go to helpformen.com. On that you will find links to all my books. You will find links to coaching with myself. Think of us as a team of mentors. We have myself and 5 other gentlemen who have dozens of years of experience in this kind of thing. We've been doing this for years, helping hundreds and hundreds of men, as well as a private group for men only. That's where a lot of our work is done, and that is called the HFM Brotherhood. HFM stands for Help for Men. We have private discussion forums, we have live Zoom meetings, you can talk face-to-face with myself and other guys on the team. We have private, or rather, member gatherings in person We have our 5th annual conference is coming up in Charleston, South Carolina. We only have 2 spots left, April 2025. So join us and maybe you can get in on the fun. We're going to be on the beach in Charleston, 3 nights. How cool is that? And what else do we do? We, uh, the books that I mentioned earlier, if you are a member, you get them all for free. You get them in the electronic format as well as audio format. Pretty cool. Uh, those meetings that I mentioned, we record them. Because most people aren't able to attend live, and they're like, I really wanted to hear, you know, what Ralph Brewer and the guys had to say about this subject matter, blah blah blah, whatever it is. And, uh, you can listen to a recording, and we have like over 800 hours of recordings by now. Pretty crazy. And you can listen to them from your phone, and, uh, basically you can think of them as podcasts. And we also have a members podcast, like monologues by myself and others. Hundreds— over 800 hours of audio of content for our members. You'll never run out of stuff to listen to because we continue to add to it every single week. Um, what else do we do? Oh, we have the coaching that I mentioned, working with the coaches as mentors, going through some of these problems that you're having, uh, putting together plans for how to get better and how to do better. Uh, that is about half the price for our members versus the general public. So if you go on the Help for Men website, helpformen.com, go to coaching, you're like, it's a little high for me right now with the pricing. Well, then it makes financial sense to pay pennies a day to join our members group. You get all that stuff I talked about and then like half off of the coaching. We got a lot of guys that are in the group. In fact, uh, 3/4 of our membership in the HFM Brotherhood, they have paid for what we call a lifetime membership. They don't pay month to month, they don't play— pay year to year. They put down a chunk of money and they say, I just want to stay in for life. I don't want to get repeat payments. I know I'm not going anywhere. I love the benefits. I love the continuing content that comes in. I love the, the live chatting and everything else. So We're very proud of that, very proud of our group. It's a really good group, really good group of dudes. Um, you know, Fight Better Now says Montgomery, and that ain't it. Damn it, that's not the name of it. That's going to be bugging me the rest of time. I don't even know if it's still there, but that's not it. That's not the name of the barbecue place. I'll have to look this up later. But anyway, welcome guys. Um, this is the purpose of these live streams, is not for me to sit here and just blab away non-stop, but rather to Uh, take any questions. I'm refreshing my screen here, pardon me. Um, take any questions. If you got any stories you want to share with us here, anything at all. Maybe you've seen a piece of content of mine here recently and you're like, I want to— I want Ralph to flesh that one out a little bit more. I'm not certain what he said, or I disagree with something. Please share, you're not gonna hurt my feelings. That's what we're here for. That's what these lives are for, is to interact with you fine folks. And just as a warning, you ask a question, I'm not going to call you out first name, last name. These guys, they have fake names like Fight for Better Now. Um, but if you put your last name, I won't call out your last name because we do cut these up into video segments that we later push out through all of our social media channels. So I may say, John from YouTube asked a question, and then I'll read your question and blah blah blah, right? I say that because I had one gentleman— so far one in all the years I've done this— one gentleman who said, delete that clip now. He said because my first name was kind of unique. It's like, uh, not really, but okay. So we deleted the clip. But anywho, Um, any questions at all, folks? I hate to sit here and stare at my screen waiting for questions. We got the audiences growing here a little bit on Facebook, uh, YouTube looking good. That's all our comments are coming in from YouTube. Anything at all, ladies and germs? You know, um, one thing that can kind of prompt some conversation here is, um, uh, popular topics. One popular topic I'm noticing that's growing in popularity It's not really fair. It's— I've mentioned it a couple times and it gets a lot of, uh, good feedback, a lot of, uh, interaction on social media, and that is a topic of being a neurodivergent man, neurodivergent person, man in particular. Uh, what the hell does that mean? Uh, it's an umbrella term for people that suffer— suffer, listen to me— people that have a particular, um, trait about themselves that, uh, for example, ADHD, uh, which is, uh, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, uh, OCD, obsessive-compulsive disorder, dyslexia, dyscalculia— I think it's how it's pronounced— um, the autism spectrum. All— and there are more which I've left out, I'm sure, but all of these fall under the category of being a neurodiverse person. And yes, we can look at— this isn't like a made-up thing. It's just, you know, I have some people that get angry about, oh God, yet another made-up term to try and excuse things. No, this is very real condition. We can, you know, do brain scans on people and see if they're wired differently. They are neurodivergent. This is the average, this is the, you know, quote-unquote normal brain, average brain, and they're just a little over here. Nothing wrong with that. And in fact, what I've learned over the years by, um, interacting with members of our private group, guys in the, in the public comments, we attract to our material and guys like me, um, men, more neurodivergent men than what is represented in the general public. So let's say I'm making up this number, I don't know if this is true, uh, 10% of the general public is neurodivergent. Um, if you took my, my, uh, audience, it's probably like 50%. They're overrepresented in, uh, in my audience. But so the question is, what the hell, Ralph, why? Um, people with— who, who do I attract to my material are guys and gals for that matter, guys with relationship problems. They've been hurt badly by a woman or women, uh, the dead bedroom thing, been cheated on, going through a divorce. People that are neurodivergent tend to have way more relationship problems than people that are not. I think the divorce rate— I've read one study, I haven't seen any other studies to back this up— is like 80+ percent amongst people that are neurodivergent. Holy poop, that's a lot. Hence why I see a lot of them. And, um, I've talked to a lot of guys and they will be telling me stories. Uh, one thing I often hear from people is, uh, one of my children is on the autism spectrum, which it sounds kind of cynical and insensitive, but a lot of therapists and, and physicians and such will tell you the same thing. When they hear that from somebody, they kind of snottily say, oh yeah, well, which one of you, the mom or the dad, which one is also on the spectrum? Which one of you is also neurodivergent? Which takes some, you know, parents by shock, like, uh, neither of us. And the doctor's like, chances are one of you is at least. And sure enough They're usually right. So when I hear that from somebody, I'm like, oh, interesting. And then you listen to more of the stories and you hear the guy tell about himself and his life experience and the difficulties he's had. And I will say to a lot of these men, are you familiar with— often it's the concept of ADHD. And what a lot of these guys come back with, oh yeah, I was formally diagnosed with that years ago. It's like, well, dude, that explains a lot right there. And I'll have some men say, I am on the autism spectrum. I'm a very high-functioning guy on the autism spectrum. I hear that quite a bit, um, but it's nothing to, uh, be ashamed of. Not at all. It's nothing to be like, oh God, I'm a weirdo, or— no, dude, you're in good company. If you're on the, uh, in— if you fall under the umbrella of being a neurodiverse or neurodivergent— they both are the same thing— person, you're in good company. Only some of the greatest, biggest minds that have ever lived are neurodivergent. It's been theorized, and it's pretty much a for sure thing based upon what we know of the man. Albert Einstein, yeah, probably neurodivergent. I know he's a controversial figure now, but he is undeniably successful and intelligent. And that is Elon Musk admits to— he calls himself Asperger's, which means a very high-functioning autistic person. Uh, yeah, Bill Gates. Uh, an actor you may not be aware of, Anthony Hopkins. Remember him from Silence of the Lambs? He admits he's on the autism spectrum. Uh, Jerry Seinfeld has hinted about— he thinks he's on the autism spectrum. I don't know if he's been, uh, formally diagnosed or not, but he has a lot of those traits, he says, a lot of social things about him, how he interacts with people and so forth. So anyway, you're in good company. It's nothing to be worried about, but it is something that can be— that can dictate some of your direction in life, and you can put some things in place, if not some pharmaceutical help for some of you guys. For some guys, you know, that are in the ADHD world, things like Adderall, Ritalin, other stimulants and other things They're just like, holy crap, where was this 20 years ago? This would have changed everything for me. This is just, it's like a light switch went off and now I'm able to focus and I'm able to complete tasks for the first time in my life and all those things. Well, some people on the autism spectrum may go talk to an expert like a Mr., uh, Dr. Matt, uh, Zakreski, who I just did an interview with. It'll be posted on Monday. He's an expert in this. And, um, they can give you tools to help you better navigate these, this relationship. World and have a more fruitful life. It's kind of interesting. So I don't know if anybody can, uh, relate to that at all. All right, here we go. So David is asking, how do you deal with people who do— I think you mean do have ADHD and take tablets for that. I'm not certain what you're saying. Are you saying the person who has ADHD is difficult to deal with? Could be, you know, personality trait that may rub people the wrong way, like a lot of other personality traits and so forth may. I guess maybe flesh that out a little bit more, David, see what you're trying to say. Mr. Steve from YouTube says, your video on the gaming affair hit home. Back in May, I found out that my wife was a bit too close to one particular gaming, quote, friend, and it turned into a phone conversation for hours a day. Yeah. Said he lied about having his number. When I found out about their close online relationship, the phone records said otherwise. Sorry to hear that, brother. And when confronted, I was the untrustworthy person. This is, you know, standard boilerplate affair stuff because I went behind her back to look at her phone records. Yeah, it is what it is, dude. Uh, human nature, we love to connect with and interact with other people. The mating game, if you want to call it that, it's always going on. That's why we have boundaries in our life. That's why people who have good parents as good role models for how to interact with each other and with the outside world, they see that stuff and it comes more naturally to some people. For some people that come from more chaotic pasts, more dysfunctional families, they don't have those tools in their toolbox. They don't have the boundaries. Uh, the ladies tend to have a more difficult time from what I've seen with the boundary thing, and that is not indicative of their, uh, propensity to have affairs, but rather their agreeableness. They tend to be very agreeable people compared to men. Let me rephrase that. They tend to be higher in trait agreeableness than men are, meaning go with the flow. They don't want to cause a scene. Yeah, that's fine. That tends to be a more feminine trait than it is men. So, uh, they can potentially put themselves in, uh, positions of crossing the line and communicating with others where a person with better boundaries would say, timeout, I'm not comfortable with this. And that can lead to some not so good things. So not unheard of for a woman to connect emotionally with somebody, whether it's via, you know, some dumb app, social media, something, video game, whatever. I think the, the gaming world— I would presume she had the headset on and she was able to converse with her voice, you know, voice-to-voice chat. I think that lends itself to an extra level of intimacy. And so it all boils down to those little boundary things. And the— and yeah, You know, it's one thing— I've said this before in other videos— to be caught sneaking around and doing stuff. It can be explained away, it can be dealt with. And yes, arguably some couples can work through it. It ain't easy. Chances are you ain't gonna work through it. But just on the surface of boundaries were down, this thing happened, had a few too many cocktails, whatever it may be, it can explain a lot of that stuff away. But when it goes into the world of, you know, the gaslighting and the lying to you and the hiding things and the yada yada, just the betrayal hole gets deeper and deeper. And you can't crawl out of it. You just eventually say, this person's just a broken person, I got to get away from them, this is nuts. Sounds like that's kind of what you're dealing with here. Uh, Fight for Better Now from YouTube says, maybe you can help me out on this one. I am currently struggling with a relationship. The relationship was with my father. He was an estranged father due to parental alienation, but once we had a chance to reconnect, it's almost like he doesn't want to engage or put in any effort. His words and actions are not in alignment, and to top it off, there is a long history of non-effort even though he says he wants a relationship now. So are you saying, um, I'll call you Fight, are you saying, Fight, that, um, the parental alienation was such that your mother kept you from him and now you have this connection with him and he says verbally, son, I want to be in your life, yada yada, I was kept out of your life, your mom was a mean person, blah blah, I'm good. 'Here, let me into your life,' and you're like, 'Cool,' and yet he doesn't connect. So I mean, there's no— both situations can be true, or both, or such, both scenarios rather can be true at the same time. And that is parental alienation— mom kept you from dad, for example— and at the same time, yeah, dad can be a bit of a dick. He can be socially whatever. He's just maybe not the greatest dad in the world, not the most social person in the world. That could be the case. Or it could be the case that all the years of resentment of being kept from his son, maybe there was a moment of effort on his part to try and reconnect and he was, you know, his ex, your mother, the family gave him the big middle finger and he has a lot of resentment like screw you people, whatever, and he's moved on with his life. That's not something you can just shut off like that and you're back and go, hey son, I love and I miss more than anything. It's going to take some time, dude. So maybe it's a matter of patience on your part. Worst you can do, or best you can do, continue to reach out. Dad, want to do lunch? Dad, want to do dinner? It may take, you know, 15 lunches, 20 beers together, but not all at once, a dinner, who knows, go to movie, whatever, go catch a game, whatever it is. It may take a lot of those before you break the ice, so to speak, and you get past all that resentment. Um, but, uh, that's sad, but it's— I'm glad you got a connection with him. It's just not the storybook one that you were hoping for, right? Um, Scott says oldest son is on the spectrum and mom is ADHD. There you go. Heard that, uh, oh, I don't know, a few hundred times. All right, Mr. Guitar God, a regular on here. Hello, Guitar God. He says, why do you think so many women convince themselves that they aren't interested in sex, but her husband doesn't do it enough to help but her husband doesn't do enough to help with house and kids, etc. I think it's to avoid shame. Women seem terrified of shame and will do anything to avoid it. Okay, so if I'm— let me try to better understand this. Um, okay, so very common scenario. Good question, Guitar God, of dead bedroom, which is another term for sexless marriage. Not usually, not completely, but it's so bad that you might as well be, you know, Let's stick with the trope of the horny husband, disinterested wife. Anxious, to use psych terms more often than not, anxious attached husband, avoidant detached wife. The honeymoon phase has ended years ago. They got kids, they got a house, they got stress, they got job, all that other nonsense, right? And husband's like, I'm about to lose my marbles 'cause I'm not getting any. And I'm a man and I'm engineered to get some, a lot of it all the time. I'm with a lot of different people, so I'm making a sacrifice by being with you, wife, and you don't want any what the eff. So I think, you know, talk to psychiatrists, therapists, psychologists, whatever it may be, I think a lot of them will say, yes, there is most definitely a biological phenomena, if you want to call it that, psychological phenomena of once in a long-term monogamous relationship, the libido of both partners tends to go down, arguably way more so for the ladies of our species. It's just a natural— it's just what it is. Has that message got out to the general public? I would say overall, oh, hell no, not at all. What has gotten out to the general public, fortunately, unfortunately, it depends how you look at it, is a, um, a theme of romance, a theme of soulmate, you know, love and all this mushy puppy love stuff conquers all, right? That message has gotten out there via, oh, your, um, you know, Hollywood and romance novels and all this other stuff. So that message is out there, and you present that over and over and over again to men and women alike. And the man, being who we are, we're kind of— as far as our sex drive is concerned, it's kind of kept afloat via this level of testosterone and other chemicals within our body. Everything works in concert with each other within our body and brain to say, make lots of babies, go do it again and again and again. Hence why we're horny all the time. Most of us, not all of us. And so women, not necessarily wired that way, but what gets them really going is the new relationship, the all that stuff, and newness, spontaneity. And when things are predictable and boring and safe and all this other stuff, it goes down. And so you have this woman who has this natural down. There's nothing nefarious or bad about that in any way, shape, or form. Welcome to being a human being, right? Combine that though with the ignorance of her own biology. Combine that with this, um, oh, how to say it, atmosphere of romance above all else. And she's probably thinking in her mind, I don't have any desire whatsoever for this dude. Yeah, I feel bad. I feel weird. Maybe this means on a grand scale, um, we're done. We're over. We're not meant to be. This sucks. What's going on here? Well, maybe it's the fact that he's so many more pounds overweight. That may have something to do with it. Maybe it's because this, maybe it's because that. What's the most glaringly obvious thing? Looking around for an outside excuse as to what's going on here. Well, I'm stressed. That's a big part. Hell, what woman isn't stressed? You know, most women work these days. That's a stressor in itself. Most women are way more emotionally, um, overwhelmed and preoccupied with the health and well-being of the children, much more so than man is over there. Well, hell, that's like 90% of it right there. And then domestic duties. A lot of women report, I do the majority of the domestic work in the house. I have a lot of men that tell you otherwise, but a lot of women say no. Like 90% of it falls on me. So a lot of stuff is in the brain taking up space. So here comes husband saying, why no have sex? So she's going to go for the easiest thing. Picture like a grocery store. It's right there on the shelf. These, you know, she doesn't have to reach up to get it. It's just right there. And the easiest thing to grab off the shelf is I'm stressed. I'm tired. I'm overwhelmed. If you want to make me less so, here's what you can do. And what most men report is I do. Not only did I clean the house, but I remodeled the place. I did from A to Z. I got a toothbrush out and I scrubbed the tile. I did all this stuff. Your anxious guys act this way, that they hear, you know, an opportunity to fix the problem with the relationship and they just go hog wild with the fixing. And they read every book and they join my group and they, you know, watch all my YouTube videos and all these lives and everything else. And wife, I did everything you asked. And wife's just— it's still not there, it's still not working, nothing's happening still. And then this is where the men go, I think she's bullshitting me, I think she's trying to pull the rug over my eyes, or the wool over my eyes, whatever the term is, and, um, I've been tricked, I've been hoodwinked. I've been— no, it's just that the woman's grabbing up the easiest thing she can see is I'm stressed, I'm tired, surely this will fix it. Ah, shit, it doesn't. Well, what do you want me to do, dude? When I think a healthier perspective would be one from like a therapist or so forth, or watching my material or other people's material like Dr. Psych Mom, where we would say, sweetheart— I don't mean that in a demeaning way— young lady, this is natural. There's nothing wrong with you. It's okay. But it's going to take some effort to get over the hump, and here's what it takes. And husband, You got some work to do too. A lot of work, actually. You've kind of fallen, you know, asleep at the wheel here. Here's some things you can do. Nothing wrong with that. Welcome to being in a long-term monogamous relationship. That doesn't sound romantic. It doesn't sound sweet. It doesn't sound natural, but that's what it takes. Sorry, guys. And to some people, that just sounds like hell. Maybe you're not wired for this monogamy thing. That's okay. Hmm. Ryan from Facebook says, I had an interesting conversation with my fiancée last night about how looks are just as important as personality to me. I said 50% looks and 50% personality make up my attraction, and she got upset at that and thought 50% of looks was way too high. She is going to ask her office and the doctor she works with to see what they think today. That's a very lady thing. It's not a bad thing. It's just a very common thing. I'm going to consult with my social group to get an idea of what to think about this. I gave in a few minutes later and thought that I might be missing some things on the pie chart, but I thought those are both pretty important. Where might I be going wrong? And do women see this differently? People see this differently. Dude, if I go ask another guy on the street, yo, neighbor Joe, pie chart, construct the perfect, you know, what makes up what you find important to women. And maybe just to help them out, I'll give them like 8 different things to choose from: looks, personality, intellect, work ethic. I don't know, whatever. Do you think every man's gonna go, looks, personality, boom boom, done? Probably not. And your wife's no different. I think what a lot of people do, especially in this relationship space, is they try to break everything down into team woman, team man. And that doesn't necessarily apply everywhere. With that being said, I think yes, women are more sensitive to the whole looks thing. Which, by the way, Ryan, I'm gonna be kind of agreeing with you here. Looks are pretty important to me. I wrote my book, The Dead Bedroom Fix, to try and illustrate a point in there. You know, what if there's this woman who was 900 pounds and had a beard, but man, she was just really— you guys really clicked at an intellectual level, very friendly, hilarious person, great friend. But if she said, you know, we, we shouldn't jump in bed together, you'd be like, oh hell no. Well, why? The looks thing, hugely important. You cannot get going with a 900-pound woman with a beard. And there's nothing wrong with that. No, I'm not gonna shame you for that. Anybody who tries to shame you for that, they got a problem. So with that being said, you're being pretty blunt here. Yeah, looks are important to me. Personality, they're both pretty even for me. And she took that really not well. Well, for women, they're pretty sensitive to that. Why? Let's be honest. Through probably the majority of their childhood. Well, I was going to say puberty on, but no, as a little girl, they're praised for, "You're so pretty. Look how pretty you are. Look at my pretty princess. Oh, you look so pretty. I like your pretty dress. I like your pretty eyes." I have a daughter who's very, very pretty. I have two daughters, both of them beautiful. One's 21 years of age and the other one's, uh, 3. Every time I say that, I have to laugh. I'm one of those guys. And, um, The 3-year-old, especially now at a young age, gets the whole, "Her eyes are gorgeous. Your eyes are gorgeous, beautiful, look at you." She has very pretty eyes, very pretty hair, and she got her mother's, my mother, or my wife is half Indian, so she has a beautiful complexion, so my daughter has inherited some of that, so she tans very well, so there's this blonde-haired, hazel-eyed, tan girl, and everybody's like, "She's just stunning." So she's getting this message at 3 years of age. Looks, looks, looks, looks, looks. Nobody stops her and says, "You're so smart. Your personality, you're just so funny. Look at you." But I mean, let's be honest that they don't notice that. You gotta get to know a person to see that, right? So initially the very first reaction is pretty. So you hear that your whole freaking life. And then post-puberty, when men really start noticing you because you start turning into a woman, it's obvious looks are so important. Everybody around you starts acting differently. Even the teacher at school starts treating you differently. And all these men that you looked up to as fatherly figures or whatever it may be, they start treating you differently because you're now like quote unquote woman or whatever. You're going through changes and so forth. So a lot of women are like, wow, number one, a lot of guys are kind of dirtbags. Number two, all they think about is the boobs and everything else. Yuck. And, but I found somebody who was different that looks beyond that. They love me for me. Not all that superficial stuff that I've heard my whole life. And then here comes husband saying, you know what's important to me? 50% looks, personality. She's like, goddamn it, you're like everybody else. What the hell? And on top of that, not only are the looks important through their whole life, and they hear this through their whole life, but as they age, there's a— there's the stigma of— and we hear it in our space in this, like, the red pill guys. And I did a video of it breaking it down and making fun of those guys for saying that, because it's not a nice thing to say, and that is this whole concept of women hitting the wall. You've heard this, that women hit this proverbial wall or time in their life where they go from attractive and worthy to yuck, older woman, and every woman goes through this stage or whatever. And it's not nice. It's a terrible thing to say. We all age, men and women alike. So, but she hears that message from popular culture a lot. Um, women in Hollywood will tell you the same thing. Actresses, when they hit a certain age, all the jobs just dry up. They don't need him anymore. That's sad. So your wife sees this coming. Be an older woman, I will lose my quote value according to the shitheads of society. I was hoping you, husband, would be better than all that. And here you go, no, looks. But in your defense, you're being honest, right? But I can see why it would rub her the wrong way. Hmm. All right. David, you're talking about, uh, people view taking tablets like Ritalin as negative and they shun that. Well, buddy, that's their problem. If you take a little— pardon me, is that the microphone? Hope that wasn't loud. If you take a little pill and it helps you and go from here to here as far as productivity and your overall happiness is concerned, F those people. Who cares what they say? It's got to get to that point. You know, somebody's going to disagree with everything you do. I put out these videos, I'm called bald and stupid and I don't know what the hell I'm doing and yada yada on a daily basis, dude. You got to get a thick skin pretty fast to do this kind of thing. Um, Steve-O, going back to the, uh, talking about his wife engaging in the, uh, I would presume it's only an emotional affair over the gaming. And I talked about, yeah, boundaries and so forth. He says, yeah, her mom's been married 4 times. So we call a red flag, my friend. Um, yes, she's very agreeable, very much so. And this affair of hers was going on for a year. Ouch. I'm sorry to hear that. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh, so David says, uh, going on, continuing about this, uh, medication for ADHD, you were diagnosed 4 years ago. And you've been prescribed and you list various medications here. And, uh, whenever I mention that I take those tablets, I get a negative response as if they prefer my behavior when I don't take them. So are you saying these people that are close to you in life, they see you, David, pre and post pill, and they prefer pre-pill you? Why? Do you care? Do you feel better? Again, we're going back to the whole, does it matter what people think? You're gonna drive yourself nuts if you're so worried about what other people think. Steve says, thank you for the videos. Well, thank you very much. Jason says, I just joined, it sounds like you're talking about me. Brother, welcome to the club. And you and others, if you're listening to this and you're like, I like this stuff, this is, this is good material, I can really relate to this, uh, go to help4men.com. That's our main website. A lot of free material on there, articles, videos. I'm going to post more videos from YouTube on there. Along with the content that goes with them. But we also have a private group for men only. That's why I'm going to urge a lot of you guys to join that. So many of you dudes just do not have other dudes in your life to talk about this stuff with. What if I were to tell you I can fill up an auditorium with about 700 dudes that know exactly what I'm talking about here, have lived this, been there, done that. Plus, I'll give you a library of books, a library of 800+ hours of audio, and I'll give you all kinds of other stuff. All you got to do is pay pennies a day to join. Sounds like a win-win to me. HelpForMen.com and check out the HFM Brotherhood. You go to HelpForMen.com/join. I will put a link right here in the comments so you guys can click to it so you don't have to— HelpForMen.com/join. Boom. All right. Oh, shitballs. Somebody just posted a big comment. Hold on a second. Hmm. John from Facebook says, my girl is 55 and she's drinking 20 ounces of vodka and 10 ounces of wine every day, and she's also on meds. John, I'm sorry to hear that, brother. She's an addict. Addiction sucks, doesn't it? And, um, there is a stigma of alcohol is not as bad as, you know, some of the narcotics, heroin and all this other stuff. But, um, and there's also the stigma of it's socially acceptable. This is something I hear this a lot from men. Your situation though, 20 ounces, 10 ounces, meds, that's bad, dude. Um, she's gonna kill herself eventually. It's gonna get to the point where you're gonna be in the hospital if you haven't already with her. 55 years of age, she's no spring chicken. It's even harder on the body as you age. It's not good. She's got a lot of shit going on, dude. Um, and you don't have to be around for the ride if it gets really, really bad and abusive and dysfunctional and toxic and all that other stuff that usually goes with addiction. But at the same time, uh, homegirl just may need some help, and it's up to you to decide whether or not you're going to be there to help her out with all of this. But anyway, I've talked about this a lot, but it bears repeating. I hear a lot from men— wife very anxious, stressed out. I'd mentioned earlier in this live stream all the reasons why a woman maybe have very valid reason to be over the top anxious and overwhelmed and stressed. About a lot of things. Women tend to be more anxious, stressed. They tend to be higher in what we call trait neuroticism, a propensity for negative thought, depression, anxiety, and so forth. Women tend to be higher in that. And so, um, dude, it's the tales all the time. Rolling Stones had a, had a, a song about it called Mommy's Little Helper. Do you remember that one? Um, today's day and age, it is socially acceptable for the wife, either by herself or with friends, to crack open 1 or 2 bottles of wine and just down it in 1 night. And any doctor who has any kind of, uh, experience with substance abuse, alcohol abuse particularly, will say that's a lot of alcohol. A lot. I don't care what your social circle says. Your, your liver is screaming for help. That's a lot of calories. Not good. Putting on weight. Blood sugar problems. Not to mention alcohol is a neurotoxin. Taking in a little bit of it, that's why you feel a little, a little buzz or whatever. It's affecting your brain. Um, too much of it, not good, not good at all. And, uh, unfortunately we have a lot of a message amongst a lot of our ladies like, no, no, keep going, have another, have another. There was this when I was younger, there was this series called Sex and the City which glamorized that a lot. A lot of drinking you see in a lot of, uh, um, television shows and so forth that are aimed at women, unfortunately. And yes, men aren't immune to this. We have the whole, hey, it's Saturday and I'm hanging out with my buddies and I drank 12 beers like it's nothing. Also a shit ton of alcohol, not good. So I'm sorry to hear that, John. I hope she's getting help with that, and I hope you're doing well dealing with that. Um, okay, that was a big giant message here that is religious in nature. I'm not going to read that. Let's see. Jason says, "Thanks for all you put up— put out, Ralph." I think is what you mean to say. "Helpful to stay positive." Well, thank you very much. And also, Something from Nothing says, "My wife is so cold. Hardly any touch. She prefers to be alone. Last reluctantly gave me a kiss." Before I left for a work trip, her eyes were open, which is weird. So she's this cold, unloving creature, very avoidant. That's a buzzword. It's a psychological term. Um, you're with the, you know, stereotypical avoidant person. They don't do well with this being vulnerable, open, loving, sweet. She probably saw that growing up. Mom and Dad were the same, if not great, great, if not Grandma and Grandpa and Great Grandma and Grandpa and on down the line. As she sat back and watched this, and that's who you married. And you're probably the polar opposite. You like the touch, you like the sweet, you like this, you like that. You're very anxious, you're very worried about what she thinks. It's funny how that works, unfortunately. But welcome to the club, my friend. There's a lot of us out there. That was my first marriage. Um, in defense of the ex, she wasn't a completely cold individual, but she wasn't nearly as clingy, touchy in that way as I was. And that's, that's how she was raised. Um, Guitar God from Facebook says, you often speak about the dead bedroom being a canary in the coal mine, but I have searched and tried to see, uh, what's missing and I can't find it. My wife and I have a great relationship in every way— loving, affectionate— but she still has zero libido and zero interest in fixing it. I could be missing something, but after we had kids, her libido just went and she seems happy to just let it go. What could be missing, do you think? I'm 42, her 35. No meds or anything, no other huge life stressors besides having kids. What else should I be looking for? It's a mystery to me. And we didn't have kids until like 8 years into marriage, and things were fine then. So often, uh, Guitar God, there's a phrase that I use often, which is Occam's razor. You familiar with this? Um, what's the origin of that? I'm not certain. Smarter people can probably fill me in on that, but in essence what it means is, um, when taking everything into account— and I hope you don't hear that, there's a lawnmower going right outside the window here— when taking everything into account, often the simplest answer is the correct one. And you are doing what every anxious guy does: I gotta dig and dig. It's kind of like, um, oh, I'm trying to think, you know, if you got a treasure map and it says somewhere in this 1-mile radius is a buried treasure, and you got one guy with a shovel and he's just covering every square inch of that place, just digging and trying to find it and trying to find it. When— and he just spends years of his life trying to find it, when the simplest answer is, dude, the map was a joke. There was no treasure there. You can stop digging. It's, you know, it's something from a— it's a fake. You think somebody's playing a joke on you, dude, you know, whatever it may be. There's no There's no treasure there. And dude, I'll say the same thing to you. Maybe you're digging for something and trying to find something that just is not there. And you're like, no, I don't get it. She's only 35 years of age. We have a lot of life in front of us. She just has no need for this. Well, maybe that's just who she is, dude. There are people that are wired in a way. And you're talking about canary in the coal mine. There's nothing else wrong. Well, obviously there is. You've been very, very active. In my messages. I'm not picking on you, but I don't, I don't have a mental catalog, Guitar God, of everything you've ever said to me in any of these messages. But overall, the impression you give of your relationship is one of dysfunction, is one of, yeah, something's going on there, dude. And that something may be as simple as your wife is wired in a way— I'm trying to think of a way to word this that will minimize the anxious response, which is still fix, fix, fix, fix. Let's just say this. It could be that your wife is wired in a way, which is not unusual, not unheard of rather, which is once kids come in the picture, once I have procreated, once I've done all this stuff, my libido just goes from 7 out of 10 to -2. I have zero desire for it whatsoever. And she doesn't care if you look like a Greek god. If you make a billion dollars, whatever, if you give her the house of her dreams, it doesn't matter. She's just gonna look at you and go, I'm sorry, dude, I just don't have it in me. Now, if that's the case and you've talked your brains out, you know, talk to your blue in the face about this— and by the way, you can talk to me one-on-one if you want to really hash this out, helpformen.com, go to coaching— um, and if she's just like, you know, dude, I don't know what to tell you. Often what follows that is the woman will say, you can go get you something else if you want. I don't want to stop you from, you know, getting your needs met, but it ain't going to be here. Have you had those conversations? If so, have you acted upon it? If not, why not? Because you're just trying to— you're just digging all— you're taking a shovel and you're like, no, no, no, the treasure's here somewhere. I know it. And she has basically told you, dude, the map, it was a joke. There's no treasure. And you're like, no, no, no. I'm sure there is. And then you'll have the sunk cost fallacy of, I've already spent so many years digging in this yard, I'm not about to stop now. I'm not about to face the fact that all this work I did was for nothing. Sometimes it is, dude. I could be very well heartbreaking to you, anxiety-producing. No, I've got all these, these kids and this money and this time and da da da. She's my best friend in the whole world. I can't just walk away from that. You don't— there's more than one way to skin a cat here, dude. I've mentioned that too. And it really rubs people the wrong way. But this is the reality of the situation. We often have people that say, um, there's two avenues to go down here. One is we're married with a healthy sex life. Two is we are married but our sex life sucks. We want nothing to do with each other, and man remains impotent and— or celibate, rather— and miserable, and he wants to kill himself on a daily basis. And, uh, the wife seems indifferent to it, whatever. And then option 3 is we divorce. Well, there are actually other options in between there, and it's something a lot of you more conservative types don't like to talk about, but it exists and it's out there and it's growing more and more popular. We have a gal who— I don't know her name, I wish I knew off the top of my head— I started following her on Facebook. She's a big proponent— proponent may be too strong a word— she doesn't hide the fact that she engages in this lifestyle, if you will. And that is one of open marriage. That is one of a husband or wife, whoever it is that is the low, no libido person, looks the other way and says, go ahead, get your jollies elsewhere. As long as you come back here, as long as you don't blow up our family, as long as you don't rub it in my face, whatever. I know that John every Friday night disappears for a few hours. Cool, whatever. That's been going on for generations, dude. It's one of those things we don't talk about, but it happens. All the way to— and there's different flavors of that, by the way— all the way to we both engage and we both know and we're both together, we're both happy, we do the swingy thing, we do the open marriage thing. We do what— there's a lot of different iterations of this. And I am not saying that this is something I condone or practice, but I can certainly understand, especially after hearing stories like these. And I can certainly see why there's a need for them and why it's been going on forever and ever. We just don't like to talk about it. So, Guitar God, not all hope is lost. You seem very— I don't get it, life is over? I'm putting words in your mouth, but it seems by virtue of all of your posts, you keep coming back to it again and again and again and again. Maybe the simplest solution is the right one. Mr. Rudy from Rude Advice. Everyone, please follow Rude Advice on Facebook and YouTube. And wherever, I assume. Oh, TikTok, duh. That's where I found Rudy. Rudy Weiss on TikTok. I have basically completely copied some of Rudy's ideas on TikTok and ran it, you know, ran with myself. Um, yes, completely ripped him off. Um, he says, what advice would you give to the young man who can't get over his divorce? He keeps living in the past and he won't move forward. And he says, I love your podcast. We should collab sometime. We have Rudy several times. Um, so Young guy living in the past. What does that mean? You know, usually when I hear that, I can't get over dude, I can't, I can't, I can't. Usually, but not always, is I will hear a lot of unnecessary interactions with the ex. I hear often a lot of guys with the whole, yeah, my ex was texting me the other night about blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, well, and wait, what? Why? It's like, well, she does that sometimes. She tells me about this and this and her Aunt So-and-so. I'm friends with her aunt, and you know, she had to tell me this story about her aunt. I'm like, no, dude, no. And he's like, well, we're just being friendly, you know, I don't want to be an asshole. No, dude, some people are able to have that relationship still cordial, friendly, whatever, still dip their toes in those waters and they're fine. And then they're able to maintain other relationships and there's nothing, you know, nefarious going on there, whatever.. But most of the men I talk to cannot. So to Rudy, to your dude who's like, I just can't get over it. If there's any unnecessary interactions outside of logistics with kids and so forth, you gotta cut that off. Simply because a lot of people are kind of quasi-addicted to a person when they're in a relationship with them. And you can't keep going back. And the analogy I often use is you're like an alcoholic. And you're like, uh, I'm over it, I'm not an alcoholic anymore. And then every now and then they go and take a sip of booze, of whiskey, and then they put the bottle down and then they stop for a little while and then they go back and take another sip. You're like, dude, you can't do that. You can't, you know, say that you're a former alcoholic and take— keep taking a sip every now and then. Same thing with the, with the women. You can't be checking out her social media feed every now and then and getting pissed about what you see on there. And she's on Facebook saying, I'm the happiest I've ever been. Me me me for— And she's like, look at me and my new boyfriend! Rrrr! And me and my kids all by myself without their dad? Aren't we happy?! Rrrr! Cut those interactions completely. Block her if you have to. Why did you block me? You don't have to answer her. Are you ignoring me? You don't have to answer her. I'm not saying she's a bad person or whatever, but if there's somebody that's so hung up that they can't get over it, you gotta limit that contact, number 1. Number 2, therapy can help working with other men. It's simple, but often the simple answer is the right one, which is going again to the Occam's razor thing, um, distracting yourself with other things. If you got, you know, 10 dudes you're hanging out with and 3 gals that you have, you know, a relationship with, and this kind of hobby, and your work has really taken off, and your career is taking up a lot of your time, you tend to not have a lot of time to sit and get stressed about an ex that you had a bad relationship with. People that keep themselves busy, have a healthy life, have a healthy friendship and moved on and everything else, they just kind of, they are those people that are able to look back on and smile at a past relationship and say, eh, there were some good times. Didn't end well, that's for sure, but we had our fun times, that's for sure. And had some good memories and they're able to move on. So that's the advice I would give to him. Guitar God says, I asked her if she wanted me to get my needs met elsewhere and she rolled her eyes, a little laugh and said no. It's telling, isn't it? So that's an odd response, I think. LOL. I'm not sure she'd care, but maybe would just want to keep me very discreet. That's pretty much the option I'm leaning towards. Or Guitar God, here's a mean thing of me to say, um, the little eye roll and no, um, she doesn't take you seriously. There is something that, uh, I've said this in other videos as well. Um, you do so many of these videos, you tend to repeat yourself and drive yourself nuts. I'm at that point in this development. Rudy can probably relate to this. After a while, you're just like, here I go again, um, it's topic 1C. Well, here's one that I've said a bunch of times in my very analytical spectrumy brain. Um, You try to break these things down and you try to look for what's the most common scenario or explanation for these things and categorize things. Well, here's how I've categorized the, why don't you go get you a girlfriend? One of two things, or three things rather. Let's break this down. One that I hear a lot is basically the woman is in a roundabout way saying, haha, we both know that ain't gonna happen, dude. Which is mean. She's like saying, you're not some kind of guy that can just go out and get a woman. We both know this. We both know that we're lucky to have each other. We're not a couple of lover, lover. You're not a lover boy. I'm not a lover girl. That ain't us. So whatever, dude. Maybe that's what she was saying with her reaction. Again, kind of mean. Maybe she's— so she doesn't see the threat. So yeah, go ahead and get your girlfriend. Sure. Um, all the way to, yeah, go ahead. And if you do, I really don't care. And if you do and you go form an attachment and you break up our family, whatever. That's kind of oof. Or 3, yeah, go ahead, I'll look the other way. It's really boils down to that's it. Um, a Rudy and Ralph collaboration would be cool, Guitar God said. Well, we've done it. 2 or 3 times. Guitar God, uh, it's been in the past, so it sounds like we need to do another one, Mr. Rudy. Um, and a collaboration with Ryan Stone. Why do I know that name? Should I Google this now while I have you guys on here? Ryan Stone, I know this name. I think he's come up before. Oh yes, I think I've seen this guy before. No, that's okay. Nothing against Ryan, but that's not really my wheelhouse. He's kind of out there in the, um, I would assume the red pill space and so forth. Kind of rubs me the wrong way. He's Mr. Uh, Dread. And so I think I actually read a book of his, or somebody sent it to me and said, you need to check this out. And I left that going, that wasn't good. That— I mean, no insult to Ryan, buddy. He's a hustler because I'm putting in his name and he is all over the place. He's doing his work. He believes in what he does, I assume. Good for him, but no. Um, Orion Taraban, chat was awesome, he says. Good, I'm glad, I'm glad you liked it. Um, check out the one coming up Monday with Dr. uh, Matt Zekreski, the, uh, expert on neurodivergence, neurodiversity. That's a good one. And I have another one, um, coming up. I haven't even recorded it yet with an attorney, a family law attorney. That should be interesting to talk all about that world. Um, She also— it's a lady, and she also authored some books on the matter, I do believe. So we're going to try and get a lot of good legit interview type guests rolling in for the Help for Men podcast, which by the way, check it out on your Apple Podcast, whatever it is you're listening, doing, using, whatever you're using listening to podcasts. Um, do a search for Help for Men and you will find, uh, the two podcasts that were posted so far, Orion Taraban and, uh, Dr. Samantha Rodman-White and Dr. Psych Mom did an interview with her as well for the Help for Men podcast. So check it out. Also Help for Men on YouTube. If you could give me a follow on that, I would appreciate it. Give me a follow, subscribe wherever it is you're watching this. I would appreciate it. And a like, got a like just now. Whoever gave me the heart, thank you very much. And wherever you're watching this, give me a subscribe, give me a like, give me a share. All that helps a great deal. Check out helpformen.com. Check out my bestselling book, The Dead The Dead Bedroom Fix. That's, uh, that would help a lot. That's a good introduction to a lot of my philosophies of all this thing. That's the number one thing that brings people into my world is that book, The Dead Bedroom Fix. So check it out. Amazon, Apple Books, Audible. Make sure it's the third edition. That's the new, new one. It's got a bunch of new stuff in it, especially the audio version on Audible and Apple Books. Wherever audiobooks are sold, you can probably find it. Um, it has a lot of material that is not in the print editions, whatever you call the ebook and print news. There's different stuff in the audio, new stuff, so audio commentary in between chapters, pretty cool stuff. So check it out, The Dead Bedroom Fix. Anything else, ladies and germs, before I call her quits here? It's been about an hour, they go by fast. Thank you, Rudy, for joining us today, appreciate it. Everyone check out Rude Advice Rudy on, uh, TikTok. Facebook, YouTube. Are you on Twitter? Probably. Do I not follow you on Twitter or X? I should. And we should do another collab. Anything else? If nothing else, thank you so very much, guys. I appreciate all of you. Thank you for spending your hour on a Friday with me. I greatly appreciate it. Um, for those of you, uh, watching after 2 PM Eastern time on a Friday, you're watching a recording, so you can stop commenting. Um, oh, Guitar God, my friend. Um, Guitar God with the last second question, but I don't want to ignore you, buddy. Um, you are, uh, boy, you're exhibiting the anxious dude stuff to a T, my friend. And your wife is exhibiting the avoidant stuff to a T. You are right out of the textbook, buddy. Um, you know, I'm, I'm gonna speak in like, uh, generalities, platitudes if you will, but you are just fundamentally incompatible in a very big way. And you're going to come back and say, Well, dude, we didn't used to be. Well, dude, that was the early stage of the relationship. That was the honeymoon phase. People go through changes. People go through chapters in life, and sometimes it's heartbreaking for the other person. Sometimes they do stuff as awful as start up an alcohol or drug habit, as we've heard on here in the comments. Sometimes it's as awful as, I've found this new guy and I want to go with him, and they become like this new, almost teenager, rebellious type woman. I saw that myself. And sometimes they have kids, they spit out some kids, and they're like, I'm hanging up the old, uh, I was gonna say work boots, sex boots, whatever you want to call it. I'm not, I'm not that person anymore. And you're like, uh, hello, this sucks. And she's told you in a lot of different ways, I don't, I don't know what to tell you, dude. And unfortunately, your anxieties just keep you chasing and chasing and chasing and hanging on and trying to dissect and figure out. And you're watching every little thing she does, every little face makes, every little word she says, every action she takes. And it's not healthy. It's not good. Um, you know the old phrase, if you love them, let them go? I think you and I both know if you let this gal go— in other words, stop pursuing completely and just say, we're roommates now— she'd probably be like, shoo, thank goodness. I'm glad. And it sucks. It is what it is. And the question that spawned that little, uh, blab there was, uh, he asks, do you think it's telling that she hasn't noticed that I don't wear my ring anymore? Yeah, dude, you're, you're doing these little tests to her. Let me take off the ring and see if she notices. Let me, um, let me lose 20 pounds and see if she notices. Let me put on 20 pounds of muscle, see if she notices. Let me, let me do, let me do, let me do. And you're doing this little dance. Look at me, look at me. And she's just like going, and it sucks, dude. You're not wanted in that way. You are appreciated, you're loved, you're what— but it's a very different world from the sexual and erotic, isn't it? And that's what you're learning, is that you're You're not in that world. She's not in that world. You two together are not in that world. And again, if you'd like to talk about it further, please book time with me. HelpForMen.com, go to coaching or join our group if you're not in there already. Boy, buddy, you need to be in this group. It doesn't cost much at all. Less than a can of soda every day. And you can— all the stuff I talked about, the audio, the access to the private discussion forums, all that stuff, you get access to all that. You need it, pal. And if you're already in there, You need to start being a little bit more vocal about this stuff and getting help from other guys and booking time with yours truly one-on-one. And we can, we can hash this out and talk about it, and we can talk about on a regular basis once a month. Working with a mentor on this kind of stuff is invaluable. It doesn't have to be me, doesn't have to be my group. Get help elsewhere with this kind of stuff, or else you're just gonna be spinning your wheels. All right guys, now I'm gonna hang it up for, for real this time. Thank you all so very much. I appreciate all of you. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend. And while you're at it, take time to go to helpformen.com. I appreciate it. Thanks so much. Have a good one.