In this Dear DSO segment of the Dad Starting Over podcast, host Ralph Brewer responds to a listener named Graham, who reports that his wife has told him she no longer loves him and that his touch repulses her. Brewer bluntly states that Graham has been dumped and advises him to accept the breakup, cease attempts to win her back, and shift into a protective, business‑like mindset. He recommends consulting a solicitor or attorney immediately to inventory assets, debts, and child‑care arrangements, and to obtain a realistic picture of the financial and legal implications of divorce. Brewer also highlights the emotional toll, urging Graham to emotionally detach as much as possible while acknowledging the inevitable pain. He speculates on possible underlying causes such as infidelity and codependent attachment patterns, suggesting that Graham may be a “nice guy” trying to fix the relationship. Finally, Brewer promotes the DSO Fraternity community—online discussion groups, Zoom meetings, coaching, and free access to his books—as essential peer support for men navigating similar crises.
Chapters
Okay, we have another Dear DSO entry, and you can fill out the form at dadstartingover.com/dear-dso, and I will answer here in video format. This one comes from Graham. The title is Just Been Told. Uh-oh. He says, good evening, Ralph Brewer. Well, good evening, Graham Brewer. I have listened to your book, The Dead Bedroom Fix, and I have started to put everything into place only to be told tonight that my wife no longer loves me and hates the thought of me touching her. I did stay strong during the conversation, but I broke down at the end. She hasn't thought about divorce or the way forward, but she just loves me as a friend, and I'm not sure what to do. Oof, that's tough, buddy. She gave you a version of the common 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you.' So, you know, you could love a friend and everything else, but that doesn't make him a romantic partner. You, my friend, you've been dumped, and it sucks. Your partner for life, the one you love more than anything in the world, says, 'Get away from me.' And she has done it in a not-so-nice way, and she has done it in a very, um, visceral— basically the strongest way possible. Uh, she says— I'm going back to your words here— no longer loves you. Right away, that's you've been dumped. And then she follows that up with, and the thought of you touching her— well, she hates that. Double push away. She wants nothing to do with you. So what you do is you put your hands up and you say, message received, we're done here. And you stop being husband. You go to an attorney tomorrow, or a solicitor as you Brits like to say, and you explain the situation. You take to the attorney, solicitor, all your information, all the financials and everything else, and you put it all on paper and you say, I've laid everything out. Here's our assets, here's our debts, here's the children's situation. What do you think, Mr. Solicitor, if I were to divorce this wife? Where am I at financially? Where did— what does everything fall? What's going on here? And they will at least give you a general picture of, well, based upon your situation, here's what's probably going to happen if you divorce with child care or with child support. And I don't know how it works over there, Graham, if I, I didn't mention, looks like he's from the UK based on his email. In other words, Graham, it's over, buddy, and you need to go into business mode. As difficult as this is, I know this is all extremely easy for me as a stranger so many thousands of miles away and outside of your situation to say. It's very easy for me to say, but you have to remove yourself emotionally as much as possible. I know it's impossible to completely remove yourself emotionally, but you have to look at this from an outside perspective. Your, uh, arrangement, your business arrangement if you will, as a couple is over and you have to go into protect yourself mode. You have to go into what are the next steps mode and you need to protect yourself financially and in everything else. Emotionally, you're going to get hurt. You're going to go through hell. That's just all there is to it. And, uh, but you need to see where, where life's going to take you. As much as they're not a fortune teller, these solicitors and attorneys, but they will be able to say based upon their experience over the years, this is what they've seen. For people in your shoes. So that's your best guess. So you take that information and you adjust accordingly. They may say it's time to start saving away some money, or they may say, uh, don't do this, don't do that. Listen to them and, uh, follow their lead. And, uh, because this is not a time for guessing, this is not a time for chasing, this is not a time for trying to win her back. She's gone, buddy. She's gone, gone. Is there another person in the picture? Possibly. If not, probably. That's usually what goes along with these type of things. Um, I love you, but I'm not in love with you, more often than not means somebody else has pushed that button, which has caused me to wipe you from the table. You're done. Get out of here. You're an obstruction in the way of my new, better life.. And the fact that you read my book, The Dead Bedroom Fix, shows that problems in the marriage is nothing new. Am I right? There's probably, probably been a lot of red flags along the way. A lot of things that, you know, point to you two probably shouldn't have got together to begin with. And the fact that she's pushing you away like this, not good. Now, I'm only hearing one side of the story, and I'm going on very, very little information here. Admittedly. Maybe you're a monster. Maybe you're an abusive person. Uh, maybe she is— maybe she has tried like hell to get the hell away from you and nothing seems to push you away, so she needs to be very blunt about it. Your touch repulses me. I'm no longer in love with you. Who knows what's going on here? I don't know the full story, but the fact that you're reading my book and everything else allows me to presume a lot about you, which is You're a fixer. You want to fix this relationship. You want to hang on to her. So you're probably a quote unquote nice guy, which is another term for a codependent type of guy, a guy who is very anxious in your attachment. You want to hang on to her and hang on to her, and she keeps pushing you away. Get away from me. Get away from me. And this is the final push. I no longer love you. Your touch repulses me. Get the hell away from me. So it's time you listen to her, dude. If you play your cards right, I don't know how old of a guy you are. You don't say here. Um, your life going forward can be a very, very good thing. But you're gonna have to put in some work, and you're gonna have to go through hell to get there. Just like I mentioned to another guy in another one of these videos, uh, it's not gonna be fun. Not going to bullshit you. And, uh, but you have an army of guys on the internet. You can join our group, the DSO Fraternity, at DSO Fraternity— it's hard to say— at dsofraternity.com or dadstartingover.com/join. Gets you to the same place. And, uh, check out the group. We have discussion groups online that are very active. We get together for live Zoom meetings. We get together in person. We just had some of our guys got together in Amsterdam over there, one, uh, one or two of which were from the UK. And, uh, um, we have coaching, which is at a much cheaper price for our GSO fraternity members, as well as online courses. The books at no additional charge. You can listen to all my books for free. So check it out, dsrfraternity.com. Um, I'm mentioning that because guys in your position need other men who have been there and done that to be your buddies, to be your army, if you will, your tribe, guys that are there to help you. Uh, you need to know that you're not alone in all this because again, you're going to go through hell. It's going to be tough. So Graham, best of luck to you. Keep in touch and, uh, wish you all the best.
