Dating After Divorce for Men: Why You're Failing (And How to Fix It)

So you just got divorced. Maybe you're just separated. And if you're like a lot of guys that I talk to, you're wondering, what does the dating world look like out there? A lot of you have gone without any kind of physical and emotional connection to your, what is now your ex-spouse, for years and years. So the idea of getting out there and reconnecting with people sounds really exciting. And let's be honest, a lot of you are just super duper horny. And all of your friends, all the guys in your social circle, the guys that are probably in dead bedrooms themselves, they're all telling you, "Dude, we want to live vicariously through you. The grass is greener on the other side. Oh man, you're going to have so much fun." And you know what? They're right, but they're not telling you the complete story. Dating after divorce, dude, it's just a completely different world now, a totally different planet. And if you don't adjust to the new paradigm, as they say, you're going to get eaten alive. Let's talk about what men don't hear, what nobody tells you about dating after divorce. For a lot of you, when you were last single, you were probably what, in your 20s? Back then, how you met girls was, you know, maybe at the bar or the social function of some kind, or friends or friends of friends connected you to, right? But in today's day and age, it's all about Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, the dreaded algorithms, and some mysterious thing called vibes. On top of all that weirdness, here's the kicker. The women that you are talking to online, they ain't just talking to you, dude. She may be juggling 5, 10, 20 conversations. She's getting hit on by guys half her age. Guys that, yes, look like male supermodels. Guys that have followers online, professional lighting with their photos. Welcome to what we call the attention economy. You are not just competing with Bob from accounting. You're competing with Brad from Instagram. Brad lives in Bali and he does CrossFit 6 days a week. And he often posts pictures of himself shirtless with his pet corgi enjoying life. So you, in comparison, need to have something very real to offer. Or you're just going to end up as roadkill on the online dating highway. Let's be honest here. You are not some blank slate of a dude. You are walking into this dating world with baggage. You might be a very, very angry dude. Very hurt. Wounded. And you may not trust women anymore. On top of that, if you've been out of the game, the dating game, the mating game as I often call it, for years, if not decades, You're gonna be a little rusty. You forgot how to flirt and you start second-guessing everything about yourself. And here's the big issue that a lot of guys struggle with. You do not want to get hurt again. So you end up playing it safe. At least you think it's playing it safe. You overshare. You become really needy. You over-communicate. You trauma dump. On the first woman that goes on a date with you, you turn into exactly the kind of guy that women love to avoid. If you can't deal with your pain and all your baggage prior to entering into the dating world, you're going to bring that into every single interaction that you have, and that is no bueno. Here's the twist in all this. What works in the modern-day dating game? It's not chasing It's not trying to impress. It's not putting on a show for them. It's being grounded. It's having a strong sense of self. It's having boundaries, emotional control, and a calming presence. I've been at this a long time, and I can tell you what many very mature and secure women are looking for. And it's not a big fat wallet and a pretty face, as many men will tell you. They're looking for a man who can handle himself, especially those women who have been through divorce too. They've been through all the chaos just like you have, and they had what was known as a very emotionally unavailable spouse. And they're not looking for, quote, nice. They're looking for real. So you got to stop with the trying to win women over and instead become the man that they gravitate toward. And yes, I know it's way easier said than done, but here's a big statement for you to ponder. If you are still deep down inside somewhere emotionally trying to win your old ex-wife back, and you're doing so emotionally by finding somebody just like her, you, my friend, are not ready to date. So let's talk about how to actually win at dating. Do not date until you actually like being alone. You need a life that is worth sharing, not escaping. It's time to get real about your, oh, what they call the sexual market value. Where you are on the hierarchy of potential mates out there. Where you are as far as, you know, a hot dude, a cute guy, a sexy dude. If you're like a lot of men that I talk to, not to pick on you guys, but a lot of you hyperinflate your value in the marketplace. Be honest with yourself. You're not a 10. You're not 25 years old anymore. But you do have wisdom. You do have confidence, hopefully. And you do have stability. And those things are in fact valuable today. Learn to flirt and flirt like a man. Be bold, assertive, no fear, no shame. That is huge. Know when to be silent and know when to lead the conversation. Here's a big one. Learn to vet women harder than you ever have before. Vet means put them through the paces. Find out what they're really all about. See what they're really like. See what their personality is. See what their past is all about. These things really matter, especially if you are looking for a long-term partner candidate. Is the woman a single mother? Is that something you're okay with? Is she feminine, flirty, bubbly, sweet? Or is she the kind of person that is just using you for attention in between, you know, the custody exchanges with her ex-husband? And this is a big one for you nice guys out there. Learn to say no more often. Just because somebody is interested in you doesn't mean that they are right for you. Some other tips for you, some things to put into your dating toolkit. Have a story, an honest story about your divorce. Be ready to talk about it, but don't be bitter about it. Take ownership of your part in it. Don't point the finger at her and say it was just her, just her, just her. Be open and vulnerable and say what it is that you have learned from your experience. Believe it or not, that's strong. Learn to spot chaos really early in the process. If this woman that you're dating, if her life is a dumpster fire of chaos, You don't want to be involved in that. You are not her therapist. Learn to walk away. It's for your emotional and mental well-being. Do not rush exclusivity. If you have been in a marriage for decades, your knee-jerk thought, your instinctual thought, is to achieve that long-term relationship all over again. And many of you do it way too soon. Don't do that. It's okay to, quote, "play the field," which means dating a lot of different people to get to know people, get your feet under you, so to speak, and find the right one. Take your time. Final thoughts. Your ex-wife and your experience with her does not have to define the rest of your life. You are not too old. You are not too damaged. And yes, you are worthy of love. But for many of you, you probably do have to become, to some degree, a new type of man. You want to become a man who is clear on what he wants and a man who is not afraid to set the tone in a relationship. You want to be a man who is not chasing but choosing. There's a huge difference. And if that is who you want to be, you're in the right place. May I make a suggestion? Check out the Brotherhood at help4men.com or jump right to the join page at help4men.com/join. Join. It's our private support community for men only. Lots of great benefits to joining. Private discussion forums, live Zoom meetings, we get together in person, one-on-one coaching, courses, books, you name it. All kinds of stuff. All kinds of stuff that will help you become the man that you want to be. Give it a shot. Thank you guys so much for watching. I do appreciate it. If you could do me a favor, click on subscribe down below. Click on like, share this. I would really appreciate it.