Coach Daniel Robertson and Ralph Brewer discuss how women's rising earnings are reshaping dating. A high-earning pharmacist refused to date men making under $35,000, then married one and found happiness. Robertson argues kindness and emotional vulnerability matter more than income.
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A lot of women are in that situation where professional, and it's, it's tricky. That's one of the hardest things about the dating world right now is that, is that things are not the way they used to be traditionally. More women are making more money. Traditionally, both the female and the male in that scenario felt more comfortable knowing 'Oh, what's my job in this relationship?' The man says, 'Oh,' the man feels comfortable thinking, 'My job is to provide,' and a lot of that means provide financially. I bring in the most of the income. Uh, you know, the traditional idea is the woman is bringing more care and more care for the home and the family and the children, and that has just shifted, and people don't know what to do about it, you know. Uh, men don't know what to do about it. Women don't know what to do about it. And it's a challenge to navigate.
Absolutely. This, uh, shifting paradigm, as it were, in the— yeah, in the mating game, if you want to call it that. It's huge. And, um, there's much to be made of. A lot of women— and again, this sounds like a typical nonsense in our world of relationship talk, but it's one that I hear a lot from my wife's female colleagues, which is one of, it's really tough to find a guy. And when you ask them, well, why is that? Because I know plenty of men that are looking for women. Well, but here's what I'm looking for. And those gals list some traits that you're like, oof, that's going to be tough to find. You just ticked off some things that if I had to whittle it down statistically, it's like you're looking for the top 0.2% of individuals financially and career-wise. That's gonna be tough, simply because a lot of those women are like, I'm like, I'm thinking of my wife's friend who is a pharmacist, and she recently got married, and it was very difficult for her to find a mate. And she was very open about, I'm not going to go with some guy that's making $35,000 a year, yadda yadda, blue collar dude. That's not me, that's not my world. I, you know, I've worked really hard to get to the point where I'm running this pharmacy, and I'm— she's like in her late 20s or so forth. So she already just you know, wiped off the table a huge portion of the dating market. Some potentially really good men too, but she's like, and you know what, I'm not going to belittle her for that. That's her thing. That's, and it could be argued there's a, the hypergamous thing or whatever you want to call it, or just a cultural thing. But whatever it is, that's her criteria. And eventually she did find a man. And not to, I'm trying to think, have I given away any information personal? No, no one will know who I'm talking about. But she has, I guess you could say, married down. If you want to put it that way, on the financial strata. And they're fine, they're happy, and they just had their first child. But that was a difficult adjustment for her, and she was very open about that. This is new to me, to go into this world to find a mate, because no one in this side is even interested in me apparently. And she had a relationship with a guy and it fizzled out, it didn't work yet. That's in essence what I hear from a lot of women, looking at their perspective on things. It's tough to find a man because I have certain criteria. I really don't want to come down from that. And, um, yeah, it is what it is, and it makes it a little bit tougher in the dating market. Then for us guys, this— you are a professional man as an attorney, so you're going to, I would assume, be attracted to similar type of professional people of certain, uh, intellectual levels. And, uh, what's the word I'm looking for? Um, certain achievements and and so on and so forth. Would Daniel enjoy a date with the Walmart cashier?
It's funny, I actually, I don't think I've ever dated an attorney.
Now that I think about it.
Oh, interesting. I have dated a doctor, but not an attorney.
That's about the same level. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, it's an interesting concept and shifts paradigms for me personally. I mean, we're just talking about me personally, but Yeah, I mean, to me, so what I would— the way I approach relationships, which is different than the way that the woman you were sharing the example about, the things I look for in a relationship are kindness, honesty. I want love. Like, I'm, I'm in this for love. I want to love somebody and be loved. Like, so does their career matter to me? No. It doesn't. It really doesn't. And, you know, people get to choose their values. Status is not a value of mine. You know, I've got this. I get to go say I'm a lawyer and some people go, wow. And I think, why? A status just isn't a value of mine. Love is a big value. Relationships are something I value. And so, you know, I just encourage people. I do have criteria. You could call it criteria for what I'm looking for. My criteria are things like kindness, honesty, playfulness, willingness to be vulnerable, willingness to go emotionally deep, because that's who I am. I do look for intellectual compatibility because I, I'm intellectual. I like to talk about ideas. I want somebody who's on the same level with me, but I look at what I value and status isn't my value. Tons of money isn't my value. You know, so that's— I just look for different things.
There has to be, though, you have to balance that out with a level of pragmatism, I guess you could say. And that's where a lot of guys find it difficult. I find that a lot of men probably steer more towards— the men that I talk to steer more towards your mindset of I'm looking for the more altruistic, genuine, holistic personality traits or personal traits in the person, the kindness, the sweetness, and so forth. Maybe if she already has kids, she's a good mother. These are things you don't— what I don't often hear out of men is She has to look a certain way. It's kind of interesting. Women would— you would think the opposite, but I don't hear that often. As far as when men rattle off the top of their head what they're looking for, that rarely, if ever, comes up. She's got to be, yeah, 5-foot whatever and brunette, certain figure. You don't hear that. You hear some of the softer stuff. But then I also hear from men of, but Ralph, I've been burned before in relationships, have got a lot of my money taken from me, and yada yada yada. And I'm looking for more of an equal in that footing. I'm looking for a career gal so I don't have to worry about, you know, whatever. We're not going to shame you either way. But I see kind of the scales tipping more of the pragmatic side, which is ironically something we heard a lot from the ladies early on in generations before where they were very much like, he must have career, must have so much money, he must have prospects. And yeah, kind of cold in that way.
