Dear DSO: "I feel like I've been abandoned." | Life After Divorce

All right, we have another entry on the website, dadstartingover.com/dear-dso, and you can submit your own story. And if it's a good one, I will respond here in video format for the whole world to see. And this one comes from Luke, and the subject line is Abandonment and Other Stuff, he says. Luke says, how do I get over the feeling of abandonment from my ex-wife? Wife. I built my entire life around her— where I live, away from my extended family, the job path I ended up, had a bunch of kids together, built a family. And like many women, she went through the changes in midlife. He says in parentheses here, we both did, but she didn't work on hers like I did, um, which resulted in me seeing my kids half the time, losing my wife inflexibility to choose where I can live, inflexibility to change careers, and me paying for it all. A decade of child support and her taking my savings, he says. I feel stuck, abandoned, and resentful. That was my family, and now I feel like I'm on my own. I haven't been the same person even with all the work that I've done on myself. It hurts to see my kids leave every week. I feel I've been kicked to the curb and no one gives a shit, he says. Well, Luke, buddy, uh, this is tough. Uh, if you don't know, welcome to the club. That was my story. Um, I moved from one state to the other. We were closer to the ex-wife's extended family. Uh, if you don't know from watching some of my other videos, uh, I not only don't have any family in this state, but I don't have any family in this country. All the family that I know of is over in Spain. I had a pretty close network of close male friends that I hung out with all the time in the other state that we lived in. And I pulled up stakes, left, and said, well, we'll just do this all over again. And it never quite panned out in the state that I'm in now. And this place has never really felt like home to me. And then it kind of sucks. So I totally relate. Relate to what you're saying here. But there's a whole lot of victim in here, and what I don't hear is a lot of power. Whether you know it or not, you do have power over your situation. You are not powerless. You're not just some guy just, you know, going with the flow, and everyone else gets to dictate what it is you do and not do with your life. You have just as much, if not more, say in that than Everyone else does. You need to wake yourself up to that. Another way of looking at this is there's different subsets of individuals I've noticed over the years, like categories of dudes and gals out there. And there's some guys that are very, to use psychological terms, very low in neuroticism. They're very positive thinkers. They are very go-getter types, very stoic types. Nothing really bothers them. They just— life throws some shit and they say, what else you got? Uh, with those guys, I drop them into your life situation and some of them will look at it and say, a new opportunity, starting over. I've gotten rid of this negative, toxic person in my life who obviously didn't want anything to do with me anymore. Well, hallelujah! Now that that slate has been wiped clean, let's see what else I can do. What's the next chapter of my life? Easier said than done, obviously, especially when, you know, such a negative situation such as losing money, not having a network of friends, etc., etc. Well, let's break that down one at a time. The money thing, it's money, dude. You'll make more money. I know, easier said than done, but at no time in the history of mankind has it been easier to take on, for example, an entrepreneurial endeavor, a side gig, You don't have to use your hands either and do something physical. You can use the internet, stuff like I do. I put together a series of products and services and so forth that actually make money literally while I'm sleeping. I'm not bragging about that. There are millions and millions of other people doing the exact same thing. It's a very real possibility for guys like you in this type of life situation. Now, as far as your sentiment here of, "I feel like I'm on my own." Well, in essence, aren't we all? We all, you know, are born alone and die alone. But you have a community. You just have to raise your hand and say help. Um, not to take advantage of the situation and give a sales pitch here, but I happen to run a group. I don't know if you're aware, for guys in your situation, guys just like you. It's called the DSO Fraternity. It's for guys like you and guys in a lot of other life situations. DSOFraternity.com. We get together, we talk, we have life meetings. You can do one-on-one coaching with myself and other guys guys on the team for, you know, heavily discounted rates. We have courses, all kinds of cool stuff. And, uh, what you and others like you will realize after being involved in our group, or any other group— there's a lot of other, you know, fraternal groups out there— is that you're not alone. And in addition to not being alone and unique in your circumstance, there are lots and lots of other people out there willing to give you a lending hand. You just have to say again, "Help." You have to know where to look. And then, you know, ask for advice, ask for a helping hand, and people are more than happy to help you out. Now, feeling of abandonment by your wife, very real, understandable thing. You had an understood agreement that you're supposed to be together from now until the day you die. She broke said agreement and said, "I don't think so. I think I'd rather do something else." And yeah, you're left kind of holding the bag, so to speak, and you feel, you know, abandoned. Perfectly understandable. Who wouldn't in that case, right? Well, but it's time to pick yourself up and just say it is what it is. Accept your reality. No amount of you feeling sorry for yourself, feeling like this isn't fair, damn it, and stomping your feet or whatever else is going to change said reality. So embrace it. Again, what an opportunity for you. What an opportunity to start over. What an opportunity to make yourself into something completely new. All those things that you've always wanted to do, now's the time to do it, dude. Times that you don't have the kids, I and everyone else who has been in that situation can completely relate to the feeling of utter despair and sadness when they leave and go out the door. But if you're like most guys that I talk to, it's not like you don't have, you know, opportunities to see them, go to school functions, FaceTiming on the phone, texting. You can, you know, depending on your relationship with the ex, you could even do like, hey, would it be okay if I took the kids, you know, for a quick lunch, pizza? It's okay if I took the kids bowling real quick, you know, just something to do during this lull where I don't see them. Worst case scenario, she says no, I have plans with them. Oh well, at least you tried. Best case scenario, yeah, sure. There you go, right? There is a— and I've done a video on this— there is a phenomenon that a lot of people experience which gives you some guilt, understandable. And that is you get to the point where you realize, in a way, you hate to say it because it paints kids in a bad light. And that's not the meaning of it, but it's, you know, try to take this sad— pardon me— take this sad situation and morph it into something positive. Well, What a lot of people have learned is that the time to themselves without kids and without the wife, obviously in the picture she's gone, you have more free time to do whatever, to work on your craft, to learn something, to relax. The old self-care as everyone talks about it these days. Take up a hobby. You see behind me, guitars. Whatever it is you like to do, You've been given a gift, which is time to do it, which is a lot of people that have kids and a wife and a job and everything will attest, you don't have much of that. Well, now you do. Whether you choose to use that time to wallow in self-pity, woe is me, I've been wronged, I've been abandoned, or use that time to do something productive, something positive. One angle, the angle that I chose, obviously, if you know my stuff, Dad Starting Over, is to help others. I've been given X number of days, weeks, and months and years left on this planet. Why not use that to actually help improve the lives of others? You don't have to do what I do. You don't have to get involved in this Dad Starting Over world. You could, dsofraternity.com, but there are plenty of other opportunities to help those in need. Uh, it sounds, you know, altruistic and rah-rah self-help guru bullshit, but dude, it's true. There are a lot of people hurting out there, and if you have your health and you have time and you have the resources— which resources doesn't necessarily mean you got the money and everything— it doesn't take much to lend a helping hand to others. And what a lot of people that do so will report is, "I feel a lot better about me. I have a great deal of gratitude about my situation, and I've extended my social network." In other words, there's a whole bunch of stuff you can do, dude. A whole bunch of productive things that you can do. The current mindset that you're in, which is understandable and no one will shame you for it, is not productive. It's not healthy. You need to flip the script. If you want to talk to somebody about it, you can talk to me. Go to dadstartingover.com/coaching, book time with myself or anybody on the team. You'll notice we have two different prices on there, one for the general public and one for DSO fraternity members. I keep pushing DSO fraternity. I think it's a no-brainer for a guy like you, to be quite honest with you. Our group, or a group like it, uh But, uh, us and guys like us are here to help, dude. The world is at your fingertips, dude. The world is your oyster. You just have to wake up and realize it. All right, my man, best of luck to you. Thank you for writing in. Appreciate it.