DSO responds to a question about why older women divorce financially stable husbands. He argues that staying in a marriage without sexual intimacy, even for money, feels like servitude. Honest communication about sex and desire matters more than financial security alone.
Chapters
Hello everyone, DSO here from dadstartingover.com and we have another Dear DSO entry on the website and you can submit your own story at dadstartingover.com/dear-dso. And as always, wherever you're watching this, if you could give me a like or a subscribe or a follow or however it works, man, I would greatly appreciate it. That would help me out a lot. So here's today's entry on the website and this question or story or whatever comes to us from Harvey Mushman. Subject line is: Leaving the provider equals working for the rest of her life, parentheses, and she is pissed. Harvey says, I am encountering a lot of women about 60 years of age who divorced a provider a couple of years ago and have realized that they can never retire. Okay, so for those that don't know the vernacular here, the provider, I wrote a book And this isn't my terminology, but just to put it in terms of my stuff, I wrote a book called The Dead Bedroom Fix where I talk about there is very much a split in, I guess you could say, life roles for men. We have some men that are strictly providers. They give, give, and pay for everything and do things for other people. And then we have the lover, and they tend to be the guys that get all the nookie, get all the girls. And it's tough to marry the two. It's tough to find somebody who can, wear both hats, so to speak. And those men tend to be really— the ones that can do both tend to be very, very sought after. And a lot of women, a lot of people have resigned themselves to this whole, well, I either have super sexy or I have super responsible family man. It's hard to marry the two together. I guess I have to decide which side of the fence I want to be on. This is not limited to just women and their romantic relationships either. Men have a version of that as well. But moving on here to Harvey's question. They, they being all the women that are 60-some-odd years of age, they all tell me the same line, quote, "I just couldn't be the slut that he wanted, so he found another woman." And so he asks them, "Well, what does that mean? Did he want to invite his friends over to watch them pee on you?" That came out of nowhere. Or did he want to have sex with you 2 times a week? Uh, the women all look at me dumbfounded. I think I know the answer to the question. Wouldn't it have been easier to just have sex a couple of times a week versus now living in a crappy apartment, dodging collection agents— collection agencies, and working until you die? I guess for some women it is not. Then he goes on to say, men of high net worth in their 60s often have other options. And some of them are not 60 years old. Oh, I see. Some of the women are— you just threw a thing here that doesn't really correspond to anything else about high net worth men have other options. And by your parenthetical statement here, I think you're saying, and sometimes it's younger women. So a little bit of a brag there at the end about being a high value dude. We can get young women. Okay, setting that aside. Um, so what is it with these women all telling you that they were with men who had very eager, high sexual appetites. They refused to fill that sexual need in their partner, and therefore the partner left for new horizons. And your point is, you're watching this and going, ladies, would it kill you just to do the deed with your husband? Then you would still be married, and then you would still have all your bills paid for you, and you would be with Mr. Provider Guy. Well, not the nicest statement in the world. And the reason is, again, try to put yourself in the shoes of a woman. Let's say a woman who is specifically in a relationship with a man that she just lost all feelings for, romantic feelings, sexual feelings, they're just gone. And it could be for a myriad of reasons. Some of those reasons are, you know, maybe he's just lost it. Maybe he's gone really off the reservation. Now he's just some lazy piece of shit who looks awful and he's, you know, doesn't take care of himself. And as he's getting older, he just gave up on that whole lover thing and she's just like, what the hell, dude? And, or it could be that she is getting older, she's menopausal. You know, you're talking to women that are in their 60s now. It could be she's menopausal. And for a lot of women, not all women, but for a lot of women, that means the sexual gates close and they close for good. And very, very frustrating for the men. But totally understandable from a biological point of view. Mother Nature's telling them, "Hey, job's done. You ain't making babies anymore. Close up shop." Some women experience the opposite effect. They have this renewed sense of sexuality. That's relatively rare. I'm willing to bet most women would report, "No, I just don't have much of any desire for that at all anymore." And they're like, "Sorry, husband. What do you want me to do? You want me just to lay there and take it?" Well, you do something that I really don't want to do at all. In fact, the idea of it is kind of repulsive to me. A lot of women report. Harvey, what you are saying in your message is, yeah, you would want those women to just lay there and take it, I guess. So Harvey, not the greatest idea in the world. No. If I'm married, and I am married to my wife now, and she is 42 years of age, let's say 10 years from now she goes through the big menopause. And let's say she comes out the other end and she says, uh, I'm not doing any kind of hormonal treatment. Um, I have zero desire to improve the situation. And by the way, husband, sorry, but I don't want to do that anymore. The idea of it is just— oh, sorry, it's just— it's literally the last thing I want to do. But I guess if you want to, make it quick, hurry up, okay? And get the lube out of the drawer, please. I'm going to be the kind of guy that says, we don't have to do this, sweetheart. I love you. But no, that's not what I want. And then we would have the very difficult conversation of, well, dude, and I'm presuming when she's 52, I will, I will be 58 years of age, that I will still have a libido. Hey, maybe not. But I presume I would. And then we'd have the very difficult conversation of figuring out, well, how's homeboy going to get his needs met here? What are we going to do? And we're both adults, so we talk it out, we'd figure something out. And what I've learned over the years is don't assume anything. There are all kinds of different ways to skin a cat, so to speak. And for these ladies, the answer was adios, we're getting a divorce. I don't see anything wrong with that, dude. And you're jumping all of these women like, hey, you're broke. You know, your, your, your solution to being broke was just to give it up to the husband that you couldn't stand anymore, didn't want sexually anymore. Was that so hard? It doesn't, doesn't sit well with me. Sorry, sounds kind of shitty. Seems kind of tone deaf, kind of unempathetic. I, I have a bigger sense of abundance in my life that I wouldn't want to be with physically with a woman who doesn't want to be with me. Wow, that sounds crazy just to say out loud, I know, but that's, that's not how I'm wired. I would much rather want to be with somebody who wants to be with me. And if you don't want to be with me, cool. I'm not going to force you to do anything you don't want to do. But at the same time, still got needs. Mr. Man here, he's going to find one way or another to get his needs met. And let's involve the wife in that decision-making process. That's basically all I'm saying. So, Harvey, thank you so much for your message. It's a good one. Appreciate it. Best luck to you.
