Ralph Brewer responds to a husband whose wife has responsive desire but refuses foreplay and sexual touch, tolerating only intercourse. After ten years and three kids, Brewer says trying to change her sexual personality without her own commitment to therapy is unlikely. He suggests accepting the mismatch, pursuing therapy, or reconsidering the relationship.
Chapters
Alright, we have a new Dear DSO entry on the website and you could submit your own question or story to dadstartingover.com/dear-dso and I will answer it here for the whole world to see. This one comes from Dad of 3 and he gives the subject line of wife hates foreplay but she has classic responsive desire. He says, DSO, I'm your classic dead bedroom fix dad. I feel like you knew my story and were speaking to me. Um, just for those that don't know, he's referencing Dead Bedroom Fix is the name of a book I wrote. Uh, the second edition of that book came out 2020, uh, pretty popular, and I get messages like this on a daily basis from readers. So if you found this, uh, video, you know, via that book, thanks so much, appreciate it. He says, uh, I have been married 10 years with 3 kids. So he's been keeping busy. He says, wife is a great mom, but she is sex negative and generally squeamish. Honeymoon phase only lasted a couple of months. Double. Here's my problem. She has classic responsive desire, but absolutely hates being touched and foreplay. Only way to get her motor running, so to speak, is to start having awkward P&V sex. He means penis and vagina, actual sexual intercourse. Help, he says, this sucks. Well, insert joke here. Um, how can I do foreplay and turn on her responsive desire when she hates being touched, especially any sort of sexual touch? Well, dude, um, So with these situations, one of the first things I ask people is, you ever go— did you guys go through like a hot and heavy phase, you know, early in your relationship? And sure enough, some guys will say, never did, we were never really sexually connected in that way. I was kind of hoping that that would improve over the years. And I always tell guys, it usually doesn't work that way. I'm sorry. Usually you start like way up here as far as sexual energy is concerned, and then over time, kids, marriage, the comfort, the stability, and everything else, that tends to dip down for most of us. So when guys tell me it wasn't much, that makes me say, ouch. And that's kind of what you're saying here, where you say, you know, we had a honeymoon period that only lasted, you know, a couple months. Dude, that's not good. Honeymoon period should last for quite a while. You're getting to know each other, the excitement of seeing each other, the excitement of dating. You're new. It should spark, you know, very visceral, real biological changes in both of you that Mother Nature is basically, you know, trying to force you two together to make babies if you're in fact very Compatible in that way, and you know how to push each other's buttons. And, uh, the compatibility is the, is the tough thing for you two here. Um, no honeymoon phase. She's very squeamish, as you put it, very sex negative. Just not a quote-unquote sexual creature, at least not to the flavor that you, and arguably most men in your position, would want. We want a woman who's open sexually. We You want a woman who likes to hold and touch and kiss and do all that other stuff that goes along with the old P2V, as you put it. But she is very like, no, no, none of that, just hurry up and get it over with. But in her defense, it sounds like once you guys get started in said act, the old P2V, she seems to enjoy herself. So she's kind of a, lack of a better word, a cold creature. In that way. And you're like, how can I warm her up, so to speak? Get her to like the foreplay, get her to be more sexual, get her to be less squeamish. In other words, Mr. Dad of 3, you're asking me, how can I fundamentally change the personality of my wife? Um, I'm sorry, dude, this is who she is. You guys been together for 10 years, you've had a front row seat for how this woman is. On top of that, you threw 3 kids into the mix. Which, as I mentioned previously, from here down to here, kids are really good about knocking the ol' libido down in a lot of women for a variety of reasons, hormonally, stress, and everything else. So an already quote unquote cold woman, throw 3 kids, throw 10 years of familiarity between the 3 of you, or pardon me, the 2 of you, and that's what you got, dude. As you can see, it ain't get any better, is it? Is it going to get better? Probably not. Um, what are we asking here? You're asking this woman to go through a big fundamental change in her personality, which— is that possible? Technically, yes. Is it probable? No. Well, why not? Because this is what it's going to take: her saying, yeah, you're right, I got a problem. This is unhealthy. This aversion to sexual whatever, the squeamishness on my part, this— what, you know, all that stuff is Points to, I got some problems. Maybe I need to go talk to somebody about that. And maybe I need to talk to somebody about how to overcome this, not necessarily for you or just for sex, but just for my mental health and my relationship to all people. And I want to be a good model for my children. Okay, so what are the chances of that little speech coming out of her mouth and then in turn her taking the action and following through with it for a period of— drum roll— years? Of continued therapy work, you two working together, you two working individually, and so forth. What are the chances of all that happening in concert with each other? It's slim to none, dude. I don't know what to tell you, man. Uh, there's a lot of people that will sell you magic formulas that if you do this and this, your woman's going to be a horn dog and she's going to want to jump your bones 24/7. Just trust me. You know, I've had guys— real extreme examples of this is, uh, what he'll describe his woman to me, and I'm listening to a story wide-eyed because it's very obvious extreme mental illness on the part of the wife. And I'm not, you know, bad-mouthing in any way. And some— sometimes men will describe things that are very schizophrenic in nature, like she sees things, hears things, she's hyper-paranoid, she's harming herself, uh, you know, had to go to, you know, inpatient care for months and months. And he's like, you know, I think if I get six-pack abs, I can turn this relationship around and turn it into something really sexy. And fun. And I'm like, dude, no, yours is a very minor league version of that, which is this is who your woman is for a variety of reasons. And you're not her therapist, you're not a psychologist, it's not your job to dive in and figure out what's going on in her head. But something's going on in there that caused her to get to this level of, as you say, squeamishness when it comes to sexual relationships between people. Just not how she is. And if you want her to be otherwise, it's going to take a lot of work on her part, not your part. You can't fix her, dude. It's not your job, nor should it be. All right, brother, best of luck. And by the way, I'm not telling you divorce a woman, we'll get you a new one. All right? You may be able to live with this type of relationship. It may be everything else is going great except for as most people say, which by the way is usually horseshit. Um, a, um, a lack of sexual connection between people, as I say, is kind of a canary in the coal mine for a lot of other deeper issues. And you're pointing to a lot of stuff that points to a lot of deeper issues individually in her, you as a couple. And like I said, you've seen this front row seat for 10+ years and you're just now waking up to this, saying we got to turn this around. Dude, you should have done that 9 and a half years ago. Um, a little late now. 3 kids, a little late now in order to mend this. At least that's my take on all this. I'm sure some people will, uh, disagree. Some people say that you, you can change a whole hell of a lot and you just watch and you sit back and, and magically she will change to follow suit. Does that happen? Sure. Well, I think that will happen in your case, no, but I could be wrong. Knock on wood, I hope I am wrong. Um, I hope you're able to turn this around, but, uh, not looking good from where I'm sitting, dude. All right, brother, best luck to you.
