"Do Women Even Care!?" -- Discussion About Dead Bedrooms With SummerXXX

You know, a lot of men hearing this will take the next step and say, women just don't care. I mean, this is just further evidence that as far as sexual relationships are concerned, can you blame them? Yeah. Do we have enough evidence as far as you're concerned to jump to that conclusion?

Is that why I'm jumping ship, Ralph Brewer?

Yeah.

Yeah. That's why I'm the guys' girl now. Um, yeah, I think that there is plenty of evidence that show that women don't just don't care that much, but not only that, it's a matter of You know, I get it. Things change. Pregnancy changes things, marriage, you know, all of the things that change our drive and our needs towards our partner. But what I'm finding is that when women, for whatever reason, decide or whatever happens that they don't want to have sex anymore, it's not like that's a discussion where it's like, okay, but you can still get your needs met. Or we're gonna figure out something for you because just because my needs are shut off now does not mean that you're gonna have to suffer for the rest of your life. But it seems like that's kind of what women expect is that now I'm done, so you're done too.

And why do you think that is?

Selfishness, I guess. You know, on the other side of this coin though, I think menopausal women, premenopause, um, is definitely something that, you know, triggers all of, all of these changes. But, you know, as a woman, trying to get care from our doctors is also very tricky. Having a doctor that will listen and not just dismiss you. So there are, there are, there's two sides to this, but I think if you value the importance of your intimacy with your partner, then you're going to find a way. You're going to figure it out. And men also being supportive to a woman during whatever changes she's encountering and not being, you know, just selfish about it, I think is big. But all of this requires communication. And people don't seem to want to talk all that much about it.

It is. The more you dive into it, and this is a common issue as you've seen from my material. I mean, if there's material of mine that really moves the needle, it's anytime I talk about sex and marriage. And anytime I talk about sex and marriage from the perspective of men saying, I'm not just getting nearly enough, if any, within my marriage, and I'm extremely frustrated, I'm downright depressed over this. A lot of men raise their hand and say, whoa, me too. I didn't— I thought I was alone in all this. And I've sold a lot of books on the topic, The Dead Bedroom Fix, for those that don't know. And the third edition just came out. July of this year, and it's been my biggest seller by far. It eclipses all the other books combined, so it's a huge deal. And then when you start— and when you start digging into what the heck is going on here, what's the, the cause of this, there is no one cause. It's a multifaceted thing. There's the biological thing, the hormonal aspect of it after childbirth. There's this cultural thing as well, and that's something we can get more into. I don't know how best to, to categorize it or to label it, but there is kind of a cultural theme, if you will, of— and again, my biased perspective as a dude hearing a lot of men. I've put out material that kind of confirms this. Um, I don't know how else to say it other than a predominant thought of, if I don't want to do that, I really shouldn't have to, and he should be really cool with it. On top of that, maybe like even at a higher level, I as the woman am told, um, I need to improve XYZ, whatever it may be. I, I've done material where I say a man will come up to the woman and say, there's, there's something about your appearance that I don't find very attractive anymore. You've gained a lot of weight, or you're not taking care of yourself. This isn't the woman I married. I'm worried about you, but this can't continue on. And when I pose that question to men, most men say, Okay, if it's something I can fix, I'll definitely fix it. I'll get back to the gym. Yay, raw, go, go me. While the women say, you know, you can go fuck yourself. And then we did, you know, a video about attitude, same kind of reaction. I shouldn't have to change anything. You husband are the reason I have a bad attitude, so maybe you need to change. Okay, well, that's not good. And then we did a video of just in general that there's just something about you that I'm not quite so attracted to anymore. I didn't say exactly what, just something. Women again saying, I don't really have to change at all. So there's a cultural thing. I don't know how best to describe that. And when you ask the ladies, when you try to empathize and say, what's going on? Usually the answer is, I am so overwhelmed. Life is just so much weight on my shoulders as a woman, the mother. I'm working full-time. Um, the majority of the domestic duties falls on my shoulder, whether that's technically true or not. That's how they feel, which, mm-hmm, how they feel is everything. And. For someone to come up to me and saying, you are deficient in whatever it may be, just makes me feel even worse. And I would hope I don't have to hear that from my husband. So when I do hear that from my husband, I'm not happy with this, especially when it comes to the sex thing, something that I just naturally, as overwhelmed woman, don't have a lot of desire for anymore. Go fuck yourself seems to be the predominant thought, or response rather.

And it sucks. But if women were truly okay with the man going and effing himself, that would be great. But I don't think that they are okay with that, with, you know, views towards pornography and women like me who offer a service for such things. Women, from what I can tell, I also belong to a lot of women's groups on Facebook, and that's where I get a lot of my content for my podcast, and I, you know, run polls, things like that. Most of them don't want their partners watching porn, whether or not they're having sex together or not. They think that literally, they will just specifically say, if I don't want sex, if I am done with sex, my partner is done with sex too. Forever.

That seems to be, that seems to be the predominant thought that I see from people in strict monogamous relationships. If one of us And it's usually the woman, not always. There, in fact, there's a growing population of women that are complaining, my husband doesn't want me anymore, what's going on? That's a whole other issue. But we're sticking to the, sticking to the majority, which seems to be woman shuts it down. You're right, most of them will say, oh no, he's not going to go get it elsewhere, what the hell? Not even from a, um, oh, what's the word, non-human form such as a two-dimensional image on a screen? No. Toys, implements, whatever. No, no, no, no, and no. Um, and again, if you— okay, ladies, what's going on here? Is it just out of spite? You do just want to see the man suffer? No. When you drill down into it, it is because I fear that if he takes that step towards intimacy— maybe that's the wrong word— connection with someone or something else, whatever it may be, he will see that there's no use for me and the family will disintegrate and I'll be, I'll be alone. And I want to keep this family machine running, even if that means forcing him to be a eunuch. That's, that's what it takes. The family machine comes before everything. Selfish, but in their mind, the opposite of selfish. It's, no, I'm thinking of the bigger picture of the family unit. And, uh, it doesn't go well typically. This doesn't—

no, I mean, and if it's like specifically for the family unit, unit, once that the family is is grown and, you know, the empty nest, then it's— I mean, really, it's kind of just postponing the inevitable, right?

Exactly.

And not only that, but the husbands and the wives who in some cases are going to disconnect way before all of that, and either they're going to be actually cheating or they're going to be virtually cheating, or, you know, they're going to be getting their needs met. I think that women assume that if they withhold from their husbands or men in general, that they'll just be abstinent I know they're gonna get their needs met one way or another. They're going to, and they should, in my opinion.

In my opinion as well. I mean, we're human beings, for goodness sakes, and we have needs. And there is also this societal message of shame, which is very impactful for men and women both. Women have felt that for years, to suppress their sexuality, that, you know, to do so, you are a slut and what other horrible word here to describe overt sexuality in women, but men feel the same, especially when it comes to the very— you are now a strict monogamous creature. Anything that veers towards sexuality and it is not completely directed towards your woman— okay, your woman shut down sexuality, well then, sorry, there's nowhere to direct it then. That's just, that's just how it goes. Um, usually there's a religious component there that I've seen, you know, a lot of very strict Orthodox type Religions will push that.

Definitely.

That's a big component for sure. Or sometimes just societal shame in general. They'll hear it from their mothers and sisters and so forth. You're garbage for looking at that pretty woman that just walked by you. Oh really? Yeah. Okay, I'll look down at the floor. That's a shaming of sexuality. I've talked about that in plenty of my videos where my wife and I, our relationship is such that not only am I not shamed for going, oh wow, did you see that that walked by us? But my wife will give me the elbow and say, did you see what walked by us? And people are like, holy shit, Ralph Brewer, are you serious? I'm like, really? That's weird. It's like, yes, because the sexual— the sexuality is supposed to be finely tuned and focused on this one and only this one. It's like, why? Well, usually their thinking is because there's an inherent insecurity in the relationship. If I see my husband or wife going, oh wow, they're going to run off and screw somebody else and I will lose them forever. It's like, it's kind of a jump in logic, but that's, that's the root of a lot of this.