Does Avoiding Commitment Lead to More Sex?

JP Ryan from Facebook says, do you believe there might be a way to extend the, quote, honeymoon phase of a sexual relationship? Do you know if anyone has studied this idea? Somebody wrote a great book that's recently released its third edition that seems to point to men constantly improving themselves, which simultaneously reboots a desire in women to win, keep, compete for their men. Not always. Parentheses, best single sentence summary I could come up with. Lobbying for commitment, quote. Not necessarily. Do you believe that staying just shy of the level of commitment a woman wants might keep her yearning for just a bit more? Man, what a good question. The book he is talking about is one that I wrote called The Dead Bedroom Fix. Let me pause here for a moment. I'm going to put it in the chat. DeadBedroomFix.com for those listening or watching here, they can't see the chat. Um, deadbedroomfix.com. Anyway, so this is a touchy subject, Mr. JP. It's one that your, uh, red pill-ish, the misogynistic kind of manosphere guys take, and they take a little bit too far in this direction. And it is one, uh, one that can— the subject matter can lead you down a road of this is just flat out manipulation. And that's not what you want to get across. But there's a grain of truth to it, isn't there? Which is, when I— whether it's a man or woman, this isn't a sex gender thing— when I know that my partner is desired by others, that ramps up my— I'm doing a lot of hand motions today— that ramps up my desire for them in turn. Is that bad? No. That's human nature. To soften the blow of all this, it always helps when I flip the script with the genders because then the women tend to get really angry about this kind of talk. So ladies, let me put it in terms that you would maybe relate to better by showing you the perspective from a man's perspective in this way. Let me explain. So this has happened to me, wife and I. It's date night, or we go away on a trip somewhere. Like, I'm thinking back to New York City years ago. We went to— we did like a long weekend in New York City, right? And she takes all her outfits and yada, let's get all dolled up and go. And we're gonna go to the comedy club, we're gonna go to this fancy cocktail party bar to get drinks in this nice place in the museum. And I wear, you know, I don't know what I wear, button-up shirt, slacks. That kind of thing. It's a very old man term, isn't it? Slacks. And then she unveils like this wow outfit that just makes me say, okay, we don't have to go anywhere, we can stay here. Like, I was instantly like ready to go because she was just all dolled up, looked super sexy. It was awesome. We go out and I see heads turning when she's walking by because it's like over-the-top sexy outfit. And a little revealing. I like it. I'm not so insecure to be like, oh, men are going to want her. Fine, let them. She's going home with me, right? And that built up that desire. I couldn't keep my hands off of her all night long. I'm looking at her, I'm looking at people look at her, men and women alike are doing the old double take thing. And it just makes me feel better because I got a person like that. That makes me feel better about me. Keeps the sexiness thing going. Same thing reversed. I have women who have told me point blank, I've never been more turned on than when we went to a company function for my husband or whatever, and he got up on stage and won an award for Salesman of the Year. Or when some women admit to this, not often, but men will say to me, We went to some kind of event, company function, family function, whatever. And some woman, probably after a few cocktails, starts cozying up to husband. "You're so handsome," and says to the wife directly to her, like, "You're so lucky to have a man like him. Look at him. Did you pick out his sweater? He looks so handsome today." Yada, yada, yada. And laughs at all his jokes. Then they go home that night. Wife is maybe a little pissy about it, like, "Your friend sure seemed to like you," or whatever. But then sure enough, the man's like, "We had the most awesome 2 hours ever after that." It's like the woman realizes she's got a good thing. Does it instill in her anxiety of some kind, or is it a good kind of anxiety? Is it what we call like a positive emotional tension? However we want to frame it, it's a very natural process, and from what I can gather, a very kind of crucial component to the whole thing. If my wife walking down the road with me, going to dinner, turns a few heads. And maybe sometimes the women are more overt about this because they're safe to do so, saying to her randomly, "You're beautiful." And she's like, "Well, thank you." Like the waitress who wants a really good tip, she's like, "I'm here to take your order." "Oh, you're so pretty. You're such a pretty young lady." You know, she's like, "Oh, thank you." Makes her feel good, makes me feel good. I'm with a pretty lady, she's getting compliments. You know where I'm going with this. So anyway, Back to your original question, do I believe there may be a way to extend the honeymoon phase? The honeymoon phase is the honeymoon phase. It's here, it reaches this point, it's done. Now, is there a definitive chomp moment where it's just the finish line? If we had to describe it, many say, yeah, it ended the moment I said I do to my wife. Somewhat rare, but we hear that. It was, I saw a little cartoon of a man and woman after saying their vows walking back down the aisle and everyone around them, and the bride turns to the groom and says, "I didn't like the way you said 'I do.'" The beginning, right? That's where it went from honeymoon phase to the pestering, nagging, angry wife phase. Some people say, men say, that it happened during that point. I think it's more common to say after we moved in, got comfortable, years went by, we had children, then the honeymoon phase ends and She doesn't seem to have much interest in me in that way anymore. That's more common. So it's kind of tough to say when it be— where it begins and ends is what I'm trying to say. It's kind of a foggy gray area there. Can you extend it? No, I think, and I did a video about this, uh, uh, do I take time to find the video on YouTube? Go to Dad's Heart and Over, you'll find it. One of the sort by views, I think you can. I don't know if you can or not. I know I can behind the scenes. It's one of the top viewed ones. Um, the truth about sex and marriage, I think is what it's called. Basically, to summarize the video real quick, here's libido and sexual desire from our women at the honeymoon stage, early relationship stage, getting to know you stage. Commitment happens, eh, moving in together, eh, kids, eh. But then every now and then, the lucky us guys who know what we're doing in relationships, we have those innate skills, we're charming guys, et cetera, et cetera. We take time for each other, date nights and all this stuff, the sexual desire from our spouse is not here again, but it's down here, and then every now and then it goes, "Brrp, brrp, brrp," blips on the radar, spikes, like a, what do you call that, EKG thing or whatever. That's more realistic. Within the marriage, within all the stressful, boring times, all that stuff, We see blips on the radar of connectedness and the wife seems very turned on. Things that can influence that include, oh, biological things like ovulation. It's that time of the month. Her body and brain and everything is saying, make babies, make babies. And she feels more alive. She feels more sexual, sexy, fun, positive, and more sex happens typically in that phase. Phase than in any other phase. And as an aside, we know statistically women cheat more during that phase than any other phase. Interesting. But so we see blips on the radar. Some guys are flatline. They don't know how to get the blips. The blips happen once a quarter, whatever. Not healthy, not good. But check out the Dead Bedroom Fix, and I talk about how to make those more frequent, basically. Or God forbid, get up here. Some Super lucky bastards are able to do that, right? Because they're well matched. They know what they're doing. They're perfect match with their gal physically, emotionally, mentally, intellectually, all that good stuff. Um, so the question is, do you stay just shy of that level of commitment? Here is an uncomfortable truth that nobody, especially women, do not like to hear, that a lot of men agree with, but But I'm going to put some caveats in here. This is not an anti-marriage statement. It's not an anti-commitment statement. It is a scientific statement. And it goes like this. If you are a man who is able to get frequent sex outside of commitment, there are a handful of men that can do this. Frequent meaning they could have several women in a week if they wanted to. One of those lucky bastards, right? Your players, whatever they call them. If he wants to maintain some semblance of that hypersexuality in his life, it behooves him to not commit, marry, or cohabitate with a woman, and most definitely not procreate with said woman. Those are sex killers. Now, some men hear that and go, "Then why the hell get married?" Dude, if the whole purpose of you getting married is to get laid, the marriage ain't the way to do that. But in those men's defense, they'll say, "Yeah, but I want a partner for life. I want somebody to go through life with. I want children. I want to do all these things. And yeah, I want a hypersexual relationship with this one person." You can't have your cake and eat it too. Dude, we've seen this for generations and generations. That's why there are some cultures that are— it's perfectly understandable for dude to have something on the side. Our very modern and kind of prudest culture in a lot of ways deeply frowns upon that. Like, oh no, no, no, no, no, we don't even go down that road. We don't mention that. Which, when things aren't mentioned, They tend to kind of bubble under the surface and explode eventually. Cheating is more common in men than it is in women. Sorry, guys. Statistically, that's true. Men that claim to be very happy with their marriage overall still cheat. 56% of men that are involved in affairs, that's the majority technically, just barely a majority, but the majority of men rate their marriage as very happy. What the hell? Women, on the other hand, something like 30% of women say they're very happy, or happy period, with their marriage if they're in affairs. Like 70-some percent say, I'm very unhappy with my marriage. So you see the difference. That sexual connection is very, very important to men. Getting that need met, we seem to be wired for that. So to accomplish that within a strict monogamous relationship is soup. Super tough, especially for you guys that got a taste of the good life and you're able to navigate that world of hypersexuality outside of marriage, and then you expect that same atmosphere to occur within a marriage. No, it doesn't work that way, dude. Sorry. So yes, JP, if you want to, you know, keep hypersexual, then stay shy of that commitment. Yeah, but I want to come— I want a life partner and I want kids and I want— can't have it both, dude. Sorry. You can have some semblance of that, the spikes, but 3 chicks a day, having sex every day if you want it, sometimes multiple times a day. What percentage of married couples achieve that? 0.5%? I don't know. You'll hear them though. They're on my comments every now and then. Some guys like, I'm 70 years old, we still do it, you know, every day. It's like, dude, that's awesome. Holy shit. But that's not most human beings. Nowhere close.