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Alright, I am live on Facebook. Hello Facebook Nation. I'm looking off screen here. Not the most professional thing in the world. Just wanted to randomly get on here and say hey howdy and see who is, uh, on here. What time is it? It's almost 2 o'clock Eastern time, and see who's on, I guess, in the middle of the workday, right, on a Friday. So welcome everyone. If anybody has any questions or anything whatsoever, please don't hesitate to ask. That's why I'm here, take questions from you guys. Please be aware that if you are seeing this This brought to my attention from the last video, people didn't know that comments that you leave during a live video are seen by the world. And the recording of this video will be posted on the newsfeed and your comments will be on there as just like a comment, like on any post. So, the world will see what you say, so be careful. If you don't want your ex-wife to see you ask something of DSO, probably shouldn't ask it on this video. You can always email me. At dso@dadstartingover.com or send me a private message on Facebook. I said hello, Facebook Nation. I am also dual casting— what's the proper term? Simulcasting?— on YouTube. So, hello YouTubers. If there are any YouTubers out there, hey howdy! And let me bring up the comments window here. Pardon me for a moment. And nothing yet. Wonderful. We have anybody? I see we have a whopping 8 individuals watching right now. Welcome. Say hi so I'm not talking to myself. Please ask me a question. I'm the bald dude that's in all those little videos that you watch. Does that really mean anything? Hey, I got a thumbs up. Thank you so much. Christine. Well, that's a last name, Christine. I wish I knew how to to pronounce that. Uh, Sang Sito. Christine Sang Sito. What is the origin of that name? What's the, um, what's the background ethnicity? How best to say that? Where's that name come from? I've never seen that before. Dan says, DSO, the man, the legend. Howdy, Dan. How you doing? You're the legend, sir. Anyway, so, um, Quick plug, as I always do, because this is a business. For those that don't know, the Dad Starting Over thing is not just like a hobby. It's not just me getting on here and blabbing away and posting stuff. It's a legitimate business that is for helping men. That's primarily who it's for. But as you can see, we have lots of women that get on here and comment and look at stuff. You're more than welcome to do so. Welcome, ladies. I love the perspective. I am not a woman hater by any stretch of the imagination. But the material that I put out The products that I have, the private group that we have is for men. So those that don't know, go to dadstartingover.com. Dadstartingover.com is the hub for pretty much everything. You can find out about our private group that we call the DSO fraternity. DSO stands for Dad Starting Over. That's what I called myself all these years when I wanted to protect my anonymity. My real name is Ralph Brewer Brewer, but I went by DSO. If you look at books which I've written for men, The author name on there is DSO and DSO Fraternity. DSO Fraternity, members-only group for men. We have live meetings. Myself and other coaches on the DSO team conduct live meetings where we take questions, talk about subjects. We record all these meetings. You can listen to all the meetings right from your phone, the recordings as well as live. And, uh, we have over 500 hours of meetings recorded. But it's not just meetings. We also have a DSO Fraternity members-only podcast. We also have articles for the DSO Fraternity members. We also get together in person. We've had conferences, 3 of them so far. We have a 4th one coming up in New Orleans. We have— that's next year, next April in 2024. Uh, what else do we have? Uh, discounts on products. So if I sell a product such as a video course, which we're just starting to do, started those a couple of months back, um, it's going to be probably around half the price. If you're a DSO Fraternity member. Same goes for coaching. If you want to talk to one of our 9 coaches that we have, one-on-one, a mentor relationship, learn from guys that have been there, done that, uh, the cost of doing so is significantly less than it is to the general public. So lots of cool stuff, and we'll continue to add benefits as time moves on with the DSO Fraternity. So enough plug about that. I'm looking off screen here for, uh, comments. A question, no need to say my name. I won't. Why is it men, or parentheses, people, hold on, let me click on see more here, ask what they can do better, different, to make a relationship better, and then they get angry when you tell them as nicely as possible? It just makes you say nothing, and then it wears on the relationship. Oh, so if I'm understanding this correctly, when a man or whatever says, hey, what they can do better, different, to make a relationship better, then they get angry when you tell them. So, oh, so what is it that I— so you're asking your partner, hey partner, I know that's a term a lot of people don't like, it's whatever, kind of not gender-specific, hey spouse, partner, whatever, what can I do to be a better partner to you? And they tell you, oh cool, thanks for asking, maybe your hygiene could improve. By the way, I hear that from a lot of ladies that the men have terrible hygiene. Guys, if that's true, we gotta get on the ball. Or, oof, dare I say, if the woman asks and the man says, oh God, yeah, you've kind of let yourself go. You've gained a lot of weight since, you know, the baby came like 3 years ago and you're not the same sexy svelte woman you used to be or whatever. Oof, that's really going for the jugular, isn't it? But a woman hears that, that usually doesn't end well. And the guy is told, "Hey, your hygiene sucks." That doesn't go well. Or, "You're not as ambitious as you used to be. You're kind of lazy, kind of sitting on the couch a lot," woman says to man, or vice versa. If they blow up at you, what's that mean? They're insecure. They're not much of an adult. You know, the people are like— people do shitty things, men and women alike. What can I tell you? But I've heard both sides. I've heard, you know, men saying that, like, about the weight thing, or woman, you're sitting around a lot, you seem to be kind of depressed, and the woman just clams up and says, forget I said anything, and storms out of the house. Whatever, it happens. This dude changed my views 200%. During my separation. Well, thank you, Adam. And Dan says, as a past DSO fraternity— oh, I lost you, I lost you. Why is this jumping all over the damn place? As a past DSO fraternity member, where'd it go? Damn it, Dan, did the comments go away? This, this is irritating me. The comments are jumping. Let me go over here to this screen instead. I have different screens, different ways of interacting with comments here. There we go. Hmm. Good afternoon, DSO. Household name here. Hello, Rita. My mother's name is Rita. She's from Spain. She goes by Lola though. Her name's Rita, but she goes by Lola. Maybe Rita, I'll start calling you Lola. That'd be weird. Christine says, I'm learning so much from listening to you. Well, thank you, Christine. I appreciate that. Mm-hmm. And yep, the, the viewer count has gone up. What are we up to now? 37 of you out there. Well, hot damn, it's like a legitimate classroom now full of people. Welcome everyone. That's on Facebook. Can't see where we're at with YouTube, if any at all. Um, does it say on my thingy here? No, it doesn't. Okay, so Dan says, "As a past DSO fraternity member, consumer of all the books, you will not be disappointed in getting into the DSO world." Well, thank you, Dan. We would love to have you back. Uh, doo doo doo doo. All right, here's a question. Goddamn it, it keeps— sorry, language. "What is your take on why widows often never remarry or take a long time to do so while widowers," the men, "often marry quickly? I have my theory, but I'm interested in yours." You have, whether you know it or not, Nick, have bumped into or jumped into some turbulent waters with that question because there was a survey done. I'm gonna get more comfortable for this one. There was a survey done and I cannot cite the source of the survey or where it came from, but I will tell you that a lot of people, mostly, let's be honest, mostly on your more traditional conservative side, really picked that survey apart and said it's scientifically inaccurate, just throw it out, forget it, whatever. But I'll tell you what, I was not in any way, shape, or form surprised by the results of the survey. And the survey was, they basically took people of a variety stages of, I guess, in the relationship game. So we had married men, single men, married women, single women, and then you had married men, no kids, married men with kids, single women with kids, and so on and so forth. And you would ask them, all right, how would you rate your level of happiness or contentment or whatever at this stage of your life? You know, 1 out of 10, how happy are you? And then you plot all the data and say, okay, let's see who the happiest people are. Who do you think the happiest people were in that particular survey? Uh, women who were not in a relationship, with no kids. Does that surprise anybody? It was surprising to me to see the vitriol and anger that came out from the internet, men and women both, saying, well, that's obviously a bunch of horseshit. Um, but from what I have experienced in this DSO world, having talking to mostly men, handful of women, that doesn't surprise me whatsoever. Motherhood, huge freaking deal. Motherhood, very, very anxiety-producing. Being in a relationship with another human being, especially if you are oops mismatched, which you don't often discover until years down the line, that's also very anxiety-producing. Here comes a tidbit of info that some people may interpret as being sexist, but sorry, it's not everything is nice. Who tends to be more anxiety-prone, men or women? Women. Women tend to experience higher levels of, as a population, of anxiety and depression. So when we throw at these women the most anxiety-producing thing possible, here, here's an infant, and then they go, oh shit, I'm more stressed, depressed, and anxious than ever before, Is it in— I talk to the men that are in these relationships, and often I will hear— I will ask these men, when did the wheels start falling off the relationship? And they will say, probably when the kids came in the picture. My wife just night and day different, changed completely. She used to be so happy-go-lucky. Our sex life was wonderful. We were very closely connected emotionally and physically. Everything was great. And then the kid came into the picture, and she was so preoccupied with kid and everything related to kid, I couldn't get through to her at all in any way, shape, or form, and everything just died. And then my wife developed a substance abuse problem, usually alcohol, like she drank like 2 bottles of wine every night. And then my wife started reaching out to other people and forming inappropriate relationships in order to kind of escape from all of this. And hey, everything was cool until kids. So what does this show, that kids suck and kids are terrible? No, I think in my mind it shows not everybody's really wired for this, being a mother and, or father for that matter, but I'm sticking to the ladies. Not everybody's wired to be a mother and a wife and all that stuff. Some, apparently a lot, are happier if they kind of stay out of that world. As far as I'm concerned, cool, whatever. But that's a whole ball of wax there. So That kind of goes back to your question, Nick. What is my take on the why widows often never remarry? Well, I think a lot of them would tell you, "Miss my husband, wish he was still around, but I'll tell you what, that was stressful. That was a lot to deal with." There is, it's changing, but let's be honest, the dynamic between a man and woman for many years in relationships, think back to grandma and great grandma, pardon me, great-grandma and grandpa, was wife did the bulk of, if not all of the domestic duties within the home. The husband goes out, earns his keep, and comes back at night, wants a stiff drink and a hot meal, and that's about it. And it's, you know, if you're an anxiety-prone person, to throw all that responsibility of the homestead on you, along with kiddos, oof. And then to suddenly have all that change, and like, you're a free woman now, I think there's a lot of women that are saying, yeah, I don't need to go back to that, I'm cool. Uh, while what, what is the question, or what the flip side to that is, um, a lot of men though do remarry, um, post-divorce compared to women. Why that is, do we need somebody to quote take care of us? A lot of us men, uh, are a lot of us men just more, uh, prone to bonding with another human as compared to women? Does this point to women just aren't really as naturally monogamous as us men are? That's a whole other avenue, rabbit hole you can go down. There are books written on that, by the way. Let's say the decrease in sex drive amongst women post-marriage is kind of indicative of maybe we need to rethink this monogamy thing, especially as it pertains to the human female. Maybe they're not as wired for it as we thought they were. They were. Interesting. Then you're going down the whole thing. Well, we're going to throw the institution of marriage and relationships out. Well, there goes the family and there goes society. So it's not a simple cut-and-dry thing. Boy, I just blabbed on a lot about this. As you can see, it's a touchy subject and one I hear a lot about. Have you ever touched on the subject of andropause, AKA manopause? I like it. It is a thing in terms of the levels of testosterone. Within men tends to decrease with time. Uh, does it go down for every man? Uh, I'd say it's safe to say yes, but let's say a guy's, you know, pretty robust alpha male manly type of dude and his levels are, I don't know, 800 or something, which is a relatively high number but still within normal range. Not, you know, not steroid-taking range. And, um, he's just a natural manly man, and he's 50 years of age, and he goes into the doc, and the doc says, you've always been 800, but now you're like at 400-something. That's still not terrible. That's still livable. And still, ladies, when compared to you, still way higher than what you have. And, uh, most human males can get a whole lot of sexy and everything else done with a 400. Now, is he going through Andropause? Manopause? I guess technically, yeah, his testosterone just got cut in half. But even so, he's still got it going on, so to speak. But then we have those guys who, let's say, their whole life they were at 400-something, coasting along, everything's cool, and now they're at 140. And for those guys, there's the old TRT, which I am a big proponent of. For— not for everybody, but it's a real holy shit for a lot of men. And I talk to those men. We have those men in our group, the DSO fraternity group, talk about it all the time. Um, it's, uh, it's a real godsend for a lot of men. It does have its— if you need to be monitored, for some men, not all, there's a potential, uh, cardiovascular deleterious effects cardiovascular-wise. You could see your blood pressure go up. You need to monitor all that. You could have benign prostate hyperplasia. Your prostate gets big. Not necessarily cancer, that's what benign means, but it could enlarge, which causes all kinds of other problems, which makes you more susceptible to prostate infections and other things, in some men, not all. But we're learning about this whole hormonal thing when both men and women is it's so individualistic, it's so one person takes one thing, hallelujah, I feel like a million bucks. This next person takes the other thing and says, I feel nothing. In fact, I feel worse. It's kind of funny how that works. There's a lot of factors involved with hormones And I am not an expert on it, and I am not a physician by any means. My wife is, but she cuts open babies for a living. She's not really a huge expert, but she has a big interest as a 42-year-old woman in the world of hormones because she knows the old menopause, you know, right around the corner. Um, Alan says, I made it. Welcome, Alan. Hmm, question, says Ryan. If we are in a crazy season In other words, in the middle of a move and a house sale here. Ooh, done that before. And intimacy is low probability event. Is it better to keep initiating or to give a break for a while? I've done the latter and I noticed we've been increasingly close in a non-sexual way. This is something that I think a lot of guys struggle with is I got this urge. I really, really want to, but it's not the time. Because, you know, we just put our dog down, or the kid just, you know, barfed for the fourth time because they have norovirus, or what it is. You know, we think with our little head quite often as men, let's be honest. And we do need to read the room more. And in the middle of selling a home and buying a new one and so forth, and the move— here's the thing, going back to that anxiety thing I mentioned earlier, I'm a dude moving in a new house and everything else. It's, quote, stressful, but it's also kind of exciting. It's also kind of fun. And it's certainly not a level of stress that warrants a drop in sexual desire. That's how we look at it as men. Like, so we're moving. So what? I still want to do it. Your partner, number one, female, number two, maybe more anxiety-prone, may not see it that way. This may be one of the biggest events in her life. This may be seriously anxiety-producing. In addition to that, maybe the hormonal cycle. Maybe it's, you know, PMS time. I don't know, but who knows? There's always Siri. Yes, I don't know if you guys heard that, but Siri just talked to me. Apparently I said a word and they thought— anyway, um, so anywho, read the, read the tea leaves, my man. You know, read the room. Um, it sounds like, um Yeah, now's the time to back off. And as you can see, when you back off, often as men, what are we doing? Less pressure on the woman. Because yes, she feels like, I'm being a terrible partner, I'm not feeling it, he's getting a little pouty, he's getting a little mopey. Look at him, you know, I'm a bad wife, and I think less of him for being a mopey, pouty guy who wants sex all the time. And yeah, but it's just this perfect storm of like this anxiety-producing thought pattern. So at times when you just go Hey, it's no big deal. Let's just cool it, back off for a little bit. They go, huh. And you notice they're more touchy, they're more loving, they're sweeter, and they're more feminine, which in turn allows you to eventually do the deed. And yes, for any ladies that are listening, this is very important to us as men. Somebody's making noise outside of my office here. Um, Ryan says, good listen while at the gym. Well, thank you very much for listening. Uh, Nick said he was a widower and he was married a little over a year later. Oh wow, Nick, you weren't messing around. Um, did you have your new woman in mind during the last relationship? One and a half is quick. Um, was that a question to myself or to Nick? I would assume to Nick. Um, Married peeps. See, some of these questions or some of these comments are coming out while I'm talking. They pertain to probably something I'm saying in the middle of talking, and now after the fact I read it, it makes— they make no sense. You know, somebody's yelling out, married peeps. Okay, um, just a comment. You did it. This is from Rita. You did a discussion recently regarding what happens after the wife has a baby, all the changes, and the husband's being patient about this time afterwards, and it was excellent. Well, thank you. I am going to share with a few of my adult children who are newly pregnant or will be. I I think it's something all new parents would benefit from. Isn't it funny how we just basically have like zero talk about that? Like, you know, we talk about, I think they just kind of gloss over it in the hospital, so to speak, as just like a biological, physical thing. It's almost like you broke your leg or something, or you're in a body cast, and of course the doctor's gonna say, well, obviously no physical activity, husband, wink wink, so you have to back off for a while. That's just kind of how they approach it with the kids, or having the kid rather. And no physical activity, no sex for probably 6, 8 weeks, You know, you guys be the judge of how it feels and blah, blah, blah. Go slow at it and done. Nobody like sits you down and says, okay, this woman over here that you've known for so many years, hopefully prior to having a kid, she's, she's gone. Yeah, this is a new woman here. This is Wife 2.0. You've introduced a new little human into the equation here. The things are going to change dramatically for you. For some, it's not very good. There's this thing called postpartum. There's this thing called increased anxiety, potential depression. Husband, be on the lookout for it. Here are some things to look out for. For, and here's a helpline in case you need help, and here's somebody to talk to, husband and wife, and et cetera. But I was never told any of that stuff. And I just did a little video here that's scheduled to go out soon, I think. 10% of men, when the baby comes, experience postpartum depression. And I can hear a lot of women laughing at that right now. It's like, oh, you poor men. Yeah, you didn't have to squeeze out, you know, this little thing and hold it in your body for so long and experience this hormonal drop and everything else. Actually, some men do experience a hormonal drop in the form of that testosterone we talked about. Like, some experience a, uh, a drastic drop in testosterone levels post-baby, believe it or not. Um, part of it is lack of sleep and everything else, just like the woman experiences. But other part is just Mother Nature. It's weird when we get this new little infant, the testosterone just immediately goes for a lot of us. It's been interpreted by scientists that this is Mother Nature's way of saying, we need you to not run around and screwing other women. Thank you, testosterone. We need you here to concentrate on this one. So lower the testosterone so you can help out with this new little one. Stop running around everywhere. So a drop in testosterone makes men feel, eh, not so good. And then we have this feeling of, what's my purpose here? What's my role? She breastfeeds, she cares, she does all of this. I'll jump in and change a diaper if I can. I'm like, honey, can I do anything else for you? She's like, no, no, I got it, I'm fine. Just, you don't do it right, you're not doing the right way. You know, this is— I'm very particular about this. Let me bathe the baby. I feel, you know, I'm bonded to the baby when I bathe. Or let me do this, let me do that. And the husband's just kind of, all right, well, kind of at a loss here what to do. And men need purpose. Men need some kind of role in this life machine. And when they feel like they're purposeless and they have no role and they're just kind of like, hey sperm boy, your job's done, get out of here, start feeling a little depressed. Apparently 10% of us do. So it's kind of interesting. So yeah, we need a better class on, uh, hey guys, here's what you're going to experience when this new little one comes out. Nick says, my unprofessional and unproven theory is that while we are older and established, women don't need us. But we need them, and I use the word need loosely. Well, all right. Another question from Justin: In your experience, who has the more difficult time opening up and being honest about how the relationship is occurring for them? Sometimes I find myself doing a lot of the talking and looking for more buy-in. I think there are a couple of reasons why the other person may be withholding some good, some maybe not so good. You could also be, Justin, exhibiting traits of what I see a lot of in the Dad Starting Over world. Pardon me while I drink. What we see from a lot of people— excuse me— from a lot of men that join the DSO fraternity, for example. I'm not a psychologist, by the way, in case that wasn't clear. I want to be clear on that. I'm not a mental health professional of any kind. I'm a bald man with microphone, therefore expert, right? So, so, um, what we see a lot of are men that would be categorized as anxious in nature. More specifically, they have what they call anxious attachment, which is when they're— when they are in a relationship with another person, how do they act and how do they interact and what's going on up in the noodle? Well, they have a, uh, an— what they call attachment theory, which is basically in a nutshell, what happened to you as a little kiddo has dramatic impact on how you form relationships with other people. Subsequent relationships in the future. Um, if you are an anxious person, that means you're always kind of on edge about the relationship, and you're always kind of worried about what does that thing mean, what does that other thing mean, are we okay, are you good, you look tense, why are you tense, oh, did I say that thing wrong? You're always on edge of I'm about to lose this person, and everything Every little thing that happens or doesn't happen gives you this real big anxiety spike. And of course, it's in a spectrum. Everyone feels, you know, good, not so good about these things. Some people are just a little anxious, some people are really anxious. We have some guys in our group that I would categorize as pretty damn anxious, and, uh, they— thanks to, um, human nature being what it is And the old opposites attract, we've all heard that, right? The yin and yang. It's true. And so if you're an anxious-y guy or gal, who do you typically pair up with? Not always, but enough that we see a trend, is that you tend to pair up with what we call an avoidant type of person. It's basically the exact opposite. Um, when anxious-y person comes to you and says, we need to talk about us, the other day you said An avoidant person is going to be like, Christ, here we go. It's always something. What? What is it? Um, often, not always, but more often than not, the avoidant person is the dude and the anxious is the woman. But I'm here to tell you, not always. And I got an army of hundreds of anxious-y guys that I could introduce you to. So when I read your experience of who has a more difficult time opening up, sometimes I find myself doing a lot of the talking. I'm looking for more buy-in. That could just be pointing to the fact that maybe you're a bit on the anxious-y side, and maybe the wife's a bit more on the avoidant side, and maybe you need to tone it down a bit, back off a bit, and let her be, and maybe then that will cause her to relax more and open up a little bit more. But if she is truly an avoidant type, and this exists on a spectrum, some people are super duper avoidant, some people are super duper anxious, and vice versa. If she is a super duper avoidant type— pardon me, um, she may never quite open up to any healthy level unless she gets some serious therapy and works on her problems. Often with these super avoidant types, if you go and look at mom and dad, you will say, you know what, I've never noticed her mom and dad ever like hugging, and certainly don't kiss. There's no loviness in their home. They're just very distant, cold people. You know, dad comes home from work and nobody says, hey, how was your day? Or nothing. I've known a lot of people like that. Cough, cough, ex-wife. And, and, um, those types tend to be avoidant themselves later in life, just like dear mom and dad, and just probably like grandma, grandpa. It's a generational thing. And then they pair up with anxious-y people, anxious men, women, whatever. And that may very well be your dynamic with your relationship. But yes, have I seen that? Really, really often. And I think some guys can relate to that. Adam says codependent. Yeah, that's, um, anxious people tend to be codependent types, which means I need you to need me. I need, I need, I need. I, I'm— my, my sanity is completely resting on your shoulders, partner. It's not a good thing. Nick says, appreciate the time you put into that, man. Oh shit, balls scrolled off the screen. My marriage is awesome, but I enjoy your subject matter. Well, thank you very much. Thomas says, I just came across your page and starting to listen to the back catalog. Will be going through divorce number 2. Ooh. Nothing filed yet, but separated since April, and she's in a new relationship with people, plural people. Well, all right. Um, yeah, so now what's it time for, Thomas? A little self-reflection. You're 2 for 2, buddy. Sounds like you got a type. I bet, I bet there was some similarities between, between the two women. Did the two relationships end similarly? That's hard to say. On similar grounds, similar whatever, probably. So take a timeout on the old relationships here for a bit and just kind of figure shit out. Doesn't hurt to go to, you know, a, uh, a therapist. Uh, Dr. Psych Mom, who's a buddy of mine, you see me often sharing her stuff and vice versa. She's awesome to talk to. Uh, we also have a service that we are sponsored by known as BetterHelp. If you go to betterhelp— that's all one word— betterhelp.com/dso, you get a discount and I get a few bucks kicked back to me. But basically, I put you in touch with a giant network of therapists and you can talk on your phone, chat, video chat, voice chat, email back and forth, your timeline. They hook you up with somebody in your— usually in your, in your geographic area who specializes in whatever it is you want to talk about. So therapy, long-winded way of saying therapy doesn't hurt anybody. Maybe somebody, something to look into, to talk to somebody and figure out what's going on with me in relationships. Christine says, thank you for talking about Andrew Paws. You are very welcome. 'Where does my wife want to go to dinner?' Nick asks. You just, just, just go with it, dude. Just say we're gonna go have seafood and go with it. She can, she can piss and moan all she wants, but at least she makes it, makes the decision. And next time she could be more forceful if she doesn't want to go to seafood, or she can say, 'I'm glad you make the decision, seafood's awesome.' Either way, win-win. Just you pick some. Why is the talk ineffective? The talk referring to when one party in a relationship expresses dissatisfaction with aspects of the relationship. In my DSO world, that's not the talk. In my world, the talk in the negative vernacular refers to the man sitting the wife down saying, how come we don't have sex? I want more sex. Is it that you don't love me? Give me more sex. Don't you realize that's what partners are supposed to do? We're supposed to have sex. It's very healthy to have sex. And I don't understand, I don't know what I'm gonna do if we don't have more sex. That's unhealthy version of the talk. We have a healthy version of the talk, something I've done a podcast episode on, check it out, Dad Starting Over Podcast. Look up healthy talk, you'll find it. Uh, we've talked about a lot in the DSO fraternity as well. So it is never, uh, ineffective to be a healthy communicator, but what I just described there— um, how come you don't have a visceral drive for sex, woman? Explain yourself to me, you're hurting me— it's not a healthy version of the talk. Um, James says, my relationship with my wife is normal and fine in every way except dead bedroom. It's a big mind warp, LOL. It just seems that she lost sexual desire completely after we got kids and I became a stay-at-home dad. Boom boom, that's a big one-two punch right there. Any way to get this back while staying at us and at home, Dad? Was it just the kiss of death? It's not necessarily the kiss of death. I mean, dude, this is— I, based upon one little couple sentences, I can't, you know, uh, what do you call it, diagnose what the situation is from A to Z. Here's your problem, James, do this, done. No, it's— there's— this is always a hugely multifaceted thing that men and women both come bring to the table, some bullshit, and the two tables of bullshit get together and create this situation. But I can tell you, and the stats prove, that does being a stay-at-home dad help? No. Is as unegalitarian and unprogressive as that sounds. I think any kind of social scientist will tell you the same thing. Your chances of divorce just went up a bit, and your chances of a sexless marriage also just went up a bit. We could go on and on about why that is, but those are the facts. Do with them as you will. A man staying home doing, you know, 100% of the domestic duties and not working for a variety of reasons tends to result in some not so— I should— no, that's not true. It doesn't tend to. The chances of it resulting in some not so good stuff stuff go up. That's all we know. I— there was a Harvard study that famously said something like 35% higher chance of divorce or something like that, and a lot of people lost their minds at that and picked that study apart. But it is what it is. Uh, from what I have seen personally, I think somebody like a Dr. Psych Mom will agree to this. Yeah, it has some not so good effects on a relationship. Moving on. Um, you're describing my whole life. I've had a big fail and a deep hole— big— oh, fall, excuse me— in a deep hole. I've been admitted to a mental hospital to sort myself out. I will build back stronger. Well, Mark, I'm glad you were on the mend, buddy, and, um, big of you to admit that. But, uh, hey, we've all, um, we've all hit dips in the, in the road. Is that the right term? In life. And, uh, you're getting help. That's awesome. Is porn cheating? Oh boy, you know, I guess the only way you could construct it as technically cheating is if I'm doing this in place of you. So, playing pretend, horny wife comes to husband, starts making the moves. Let's go to bed, I'm in the mood, husband. Husband says, ah, you damn it, if you just come to me 10 minutes earlier, I would be, but I just got done doing the deed with myself in my laptop in the, in the other room. Sorry. I think that wife would have A case can be made that she was like, you're kind of sort of cheating on me with this other thing, even though it's two-dimensional pictures or videos or whatever on, on the computer screen. That's still taken away from us. That's not good. Um, so in that case, I guess the case can be made, yeah. Now, there are some people that have religious and moral reasons to not look at such material, and they in turn say that it is anti-marriage, anti-relationship, whatever. They may have a point, um, but pornography, any kind of adult salacious sexy type stuff, can actually be used at— with— as something that brings a couple together closer, sexier way. These kind of things can be something that people use together, believe it or not. I know that's foreign to a lot of people, but yeah, that's Pretty common. Um, how many— how much of the avoidant-anxious dynamic is correlated to dating up and dating down in relationships? I, you know, maybe that's something you want to explain further, Anthony. I'm not certain I see the correlation there or the connection there. I'm dating up or down and how that is avoidant-anxious. Um, As this person, Hugh, says that, uh, it was like that with him and his ex as far as the avoidant anxious thing. He told her that he loved her every day and she hardly said it back. Um, he's been working on himself since then. He's a better human being now. Well, welcome. Uh, Honey, nice name, says, I think hounding your partner about sex makes a person feel even more like not doing it. Yeah, well, I mean If you gotta hound them, do you want to now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? You wouldn't have to hound somebody if they were into the idea. So at some point you're gonna have to go, I don't think this person's into the idea, maybe I should back off. It's not— you're not putting yourself in a very powerful or strong position there, are you? Um, what Brian says, what men really want is to be desired. Bingo. And that isn't something you can direct someone to do. It has to be organic. Hence the conundrum. Very well put, Ryan. You're exactly right. Every man wants to come home to a sexy wife who just can't keep her hands off of him, drags him into the room, says, if I don't have you right now, I'm going to lose my mind. And that's every man's dream. And we see that more so, or we are more apt to see that in the early honeymoon stage or the dating phase of the relationship. Once you're married, comfortable, safe, and you got kiddos, got a house, you got stress and everything else. It's pretty rare to see that for most of us, but boy, we hunger for that more than anything. It's validating, and it's arguably what we are engineered for as male human beings. Um, when we looked at pornography, the adult entertainment— I, for some reason, I think that word P-O-R-N try to limit how much I say, is seen. Facebook and the YouTube and such can transcribe what it is I say. You can basically read what it is I say and read the comments. And the more that term is mentioned, by the way, I guess the more they don't like it. So I try to steer away from it. That's why you hear me say weird long things like adult entertainment. It seems the algorithm hasn't picked up on that yet. I think that's fine. But the other word, not so good. Anywho, um, what is adult entertainment in the world of sex workers and so forth? What Why are they in place? Why is this product out in the market? And has been, by the way, since the beginning of time. World's oldest profession. These people, whether they're actors on a screen, whether they are sex workers, are putting on an act. And the act is basically, uh, one of spontaneous desire, genuine desire. I am horny and ready to go. And they put that out in the market In the market, men, sex-hungry men, respond with, here's my money, here's my money, give me more of that please, give me more of that please. It's illustrative of just how important that is to men. That's the way it has been and always will be. And women, if you care about your relationship, you can take that nugget of information and put it to good use. And that doesn't mean just lay there and take it either. It means showing a little bit of appreciation. It doesn't mean going the full-blown act either. If you don't feel like it, don't do it, please. We can— if we have any ounce of emotional intelligence, we can see that a mile away. But it may mean something as simple as one of my standard lines that a man loves to hear. Hey, handsome, you look really good in that shirt. Oh, those pants look awesome on you. Oh, my handsome man, get over here. Let me give you a smooch. You should wear that outfit more often. The skies open up, the sunlight comes down, the angels start singing, oh, and it's the greatest day we've ever had. Does that sound silly, ladies? That's men. We rarely hear that. So when we do, we're just, you know, ask a man, when's the last time you got a compliment from a woman like that? He'll be like, February 17th, 2003. I remember. He'll know exactly when. That's how rare that is for most men. So if you could sprinkle some of that into your relationship which shows a little bit of spontaneous, I appreciate you, I'm quote turned on by you, give him a little smack on the butt, pull him in for a kiss, all that stuff. We just, we just eat it up like crazy. Uh, I'm again, Thomas, I'm not sure which yes to multiple people. Oh, okay, this is two biological women but one is trans. I didn't look that person as man, therefore I didn't treat them as a threat to the marriage. I'm glad you mentioned this. I am taking a break from relationships, focusing on my kids. So he is saying, uh, yeah, caught the wife in multiple relationships. Uh, gender is not an issue to the old ex-wife. Guess what, Thomas? You're not alone, buddy. Not necessarily the trans thing, uh, but it's— I can't tell you how many men I've talked to that it's, I caught my wife texting with somebody, or saw some emails or something, made me go, oh crap, she's, uh, having an affair with a dude. And then it's, oh, it's not a dude, it's a woman. Um, pretty common. We could go on and on about the sexual fluidity of women. That's an interesting topic. Books have been written on this. Um, women tend not to be so cut and dry with sexuality as compared to men. Seem to be much more fluid and much more open to whatever. Um, and, um, yeah, so you're not alone. Sensitive topic. I'm trying to choose my words, choose the, the right words to say, what not to say. Um, what do you know when it's time to call it quits? I don't know, dude. I'd have to hear your, your scenario. You could be 5 seconds into your telling me your story and I may say, dude, run for your life. Or you may— you and I may talk for hours and I may end it with You need to get your head out of your ass, dude. You need to get to work. This is a good woman you got on your hands. She's, you know, I've— and everything in between. Uh, I'm gonna call it quits here soon, ladies and germs, but after divorce 5 years ago, I can't seem to find anyone to start again with. As a result, depression has set in. I'm going nowhere. Well, Dave, I'm sorry to hear that, but right away, what does that point to? You have put your mental health on the shoulders of women. Not a good thing, my man. If you've basically just said, I'm not getting love and affection and dating in a relationship, and my mental health has suffered, um, chicken or the egg. You're a sensitive guy, nothing wrong with that. You are a guy who has placed a lot of your mental health, eggs in one basket, and that is relationship. Not so good. Uh, diversify. Friends, hobbies, interests, career. The friends thing I say first, that's something that a lot of men miss. Guy friends, dude friends, hang out. Check out our group, DSO Fraternity. I'm not saying buy friends. Somebody else accused me of that. Well, you can buy a friend. No, we have a group. We facilitated, you know, all these things to allow you to speak You know, we have an online forum. I don't think I mentioned that earlier. We have a forum which is very, very active, private, no women, just men, all talking about issues 24/7. It's just constant guys from all over the world in that. The meetings, the, the coaching, the get-togethers, like-minded individuals all just trying to do better. If you can find that within your group, within your, your social group and so forth, then please do so. But that's very, very important. Um, once you are a more well-rounded individual and By the way, women can sniff neediness and that anxiousness and so forth a mile away. So if you're putting that energy out there of like, I just need a woman, are you my new woman? I just need— are you going to be my new partner for life? You? How about you? You? Now? Now? You'll get the wide-eyed woman going, it was a pleasure meeting you, I'll be— okay. That's, that's why you may be getting that. Um, could be what you're putting out in the world, it could be your physicality. Looks are important, more so than what women put on. The facts show that they do place importance on physicality, how you look. You don't have to look like a Greek god. You don't have to. You could be bald. You could be whatever. But as long as you look like you take care of yourself and you care, which a lot of men apparently don't, if I'm talking— if all these women are to be believed that reach out to me, they— I can't believe the stories I'm hearing from some of the men in the dating market. It's like bad, bad. So I guess that's a good way of saying it doesn't take much to go from here to here, because that's all you need to do is get to here, and then you have everybody else underneath you to rise on the totem pole of available men. It doesn't take much. Um, so I guess you can always talk to me if there's some— if you want to talk to somebody about this, you go to dadstartingover.com and book time with myself. Join the group, and booking time with me is way cheaper, or talk to our group no extra charge if you join the group. Um, yeah, so it's a complicated thing as to why you are not having relationships and its effect on you. These are pretty complicated things. Um, Ryan says, it's amazing to me that so many men deal with very similar problems, but I've never seen open discussion about it apart from the DSO group. Yeah, uh, it's common, the human condition. I hear, uh, I talk to men almost every day with the DSO coaching, and, uh, it's gotten to the point where I'm just— I can just stop the guy after 5 minutes and go, I know what your story is, you can stop sharing now. It is this, this, this, and this. And it's like I'm some kind of mind reader. The guys are like, how did you know? Oh my gosh. It's like, dude, I've heard this a million times. We're all human beings. It's one thing this has taught me is just how similar we all are, men and women alike. And then when I hear from these women, which are more and more women are reaching out to me now, and I have done coaching sessions with women, believe it or not, because they want to talk to a man and they want a man's perspective, and they see my bald head on these videos, so it gives me some semblance of expertise, as silly as that may be, and they want to talk to me. And guess what? I'm just like, I've heard this before, except it was from men. Story's exactly the same. So, um, yeah, we're all in this together, aren't we? And Dan says, thank you for doing these, your material helps every day. Well, thank you, Dan. "Keep being awesome." I will try. It's not easy being this awesome. It's a struggle. It hurts. "And keep that sexy bald head shiny." Well, that's, yeah. We're looking pretty matte today. Yeah, the oil is down. Good, good non-oily day. Usually it can shine, you know, birds land on my head thinking it's water. I'm gonna go with a couple more questions, then we will call her quits, 'cause I need to eat. "I'm finding the dating market to be the opposite." Lots of women out there. Um, I'm deciding who to take to the Nathaniel Radcliffe concert tonight. The difficulty is managing career, kids, and dating while keeping centered and focused over long term. So what Paul is saying is, um, I don't know what it is, but I got a formula, and that formula is allowing me to meet a lot of different women. And it's gotten to the point where I have to logistically manage this, and it's a little tough to do along with all my real life. And my non-dating life. And, um, some men are listening to you, Paul, saying, dude, what? How? Um, we could probably sit Paul down, watch him in action, see what he does, how he interacts with the women out there, whether it's online, in person, whatever it may be, kind of break it down to try to understand what he's doing. But from what I've seen, the short version is, uh, Paul, not a horrible looking man. Paul probably has some game, as the kid calls it, which means charm which means he's able to hold a conversation, which means when he talks to people, he's probably genuinely interested in what they have to say with no ulterior motive. And he probably is not afraid to say, Friday, you and me, let's go bowling. I don't know, just make that up, do something. So he's not afraid to, you know, uh, take a swing. And if he strikes out, oh well, no biggie. What I've seen for a lot of men is, I'm willing to take a swing, but if I strike out, I'm gonna go hide away in my house for another year because that was just way too much. That was that was a huge blow to my ego, and now I'm really, really sad and despondent over my chances, and now I, I can't take rejection. Highly anxious person, in other words. So Paul may be low in anxiety, don't know, a lot of different, uh, uh, combinations or, or permutations for what makes an, a quote, attractive person. And thank you for helping, man. I can get mad at my husband, who's a man, "But I have sons and men need more support." Well, thank you, Rita. And Thomas asks, "What's for lunch?" I don't know, I think I'll get a salad. That's not very manly of me, is it? But yeah, with chicken on it, protein. Hmm, and then end with this and then we'll call her quits. Paul says, and this is in response to his success in dating, "No expectations, it's awesome telling women how good they look and not expect anything in return." Maybe a smile. So Paul, yeah, he swings for the fences. Hey, you're hot. See ya. Um, some women may have said, what a creep. Some women may said, oh, well, thank you, appreciate that. I'm married, but thank you. Or some women may say, hey, where are you going? Come back here. I think the thing is that Paul's probably like, no expectations plus no anxiety doesn't give a shit, it is what it is. Um, and Paul may also be the type who's interacted with a lot of different people in his life, so he's really got it going on as far as the— um, if there's a term called social intelligence, I don't think that has any kind of science behind it, but you know what I mean. Charm, wherewithal, he knows how to hold a conversation, any kind of person from any kind of background. Paul may be one of those kind of guys, and from what I've seen, that's the biggest factor. Right there as far as, uh, success in the dating world. All right, ladies and germs, thank you all so very much for joining me in this. I greatly appreciate it. This will be up on the Facebook feed as well as YouTube. So I'm saying that because if you have left a comment on here, it will show in the comments on the post, as it will show up in the newsfeed on Facebook and YouTube. So if you don't want the whole world— ex-wife, current wife, ex-husband, current husband, whatever— to see your comments, I'm going to go back and delete them because they'll be up there for the world to see. Just as a warning. All right guys, thank you all so very much. DadStartingOver.com. And if you're a dude on this, check out the DSO fraternity. You can learn more at DadStartingOver.com or the DSOfraternity.com, and we would love to have you. Thank you guys, have a good one. All right, how do I end this? Here we go. Bye-bye.