"How Do You Approach An Avoidant Wife?"

How should men approach avoidant wives? Is there any hope? Um, okay, if I'm understanding you correctly, Andrew— I'm sorry, I'm having a blonde moment. Get it? I'm bald. It's no blonde, there's no hair. Um, so your wife, by your estimation— or maybe let's pretend and say, uh, she's been clinically diagnosed. It's not a mental disorder, it's just a, uh, behavioral pattern in people. Um, for those that don't know what Andrew is referring to, is, um, there's this theory of what's called attachment theory, meaning, um, excuse my not so bright explanation here, I'm sure a psychologist like Dr. Psych Mom could do a much better job than I can. Um, when you were a kiddo, how your parents interacted with you and attached to you impacts how you attach to other people in romantic relationships later on in life. They didn't pay enough attention, no hugs, no kisses, no validation, none of that stuff. Well, you end up being that type of person and so on. You can be an anxious person that's always reaching out for love from people and chasing people. You could be an avoidant person who says, uh, get away with that shit. No, a lot of men in our Dad Starting Over world specifically the DSO fraternity, private group, are the anxious dudes chasing after women. And with the way human nature is, they tend to attach to— first of all, they tend to attract and be attracted to, and then attach and form long-term relationships with opposites. You know, opposites attract. And the opposite is the avoidant woman, who is not the most loving creature in the world. She doesn't like the cuddling. She doesn't like the touching. This is on a spectrum. Some like a little bit, but not much. Some will hold hands, but they don't wanna kiss. They don't do that kind of stuff. They don't wanna snuggle. Sexually, they're very dormant, is the term I often use. The guy's like, is she asexual or is she gay? No, she's just avoidant in that way. They don't make the best long-term relationship partners. That is probably where I and a lot of the psychologist types will part, because I think they will say, that's a bit, um, what was the term, brazen, uh, to say that they aren't long-term relationship material. Well, they could be, and technically I agree, but the amount of work to get that type of person to the level of secure attachment— that's, that's normal, good, that's what we all want— to get them to a level of secure, dude, that takes some work, a lot of work. And, uh, they have to be the one to say, I need help. I don't— this me pushing people away all the time and, and I'm losing lovers and everything and relationships over this. Maybe I need to talk to somebody about this. That's like really super rare, but that's what it takes. And then they follow it up with years of work. How common is that? Not very. So how should we approach avoidant wives? So you've determined, Andrew, or whoever you're talking about. Let's say, um, that I got an avoidant wife. It's official. How should I approach her? How ironic, you don't. Um, that's, that's what they want. They want to be left the eff alone. Don't come to me with all this, let's talk about a relationship. Don't come to me with, let's go to counseling, let's listen to this podcast, let's read this book together. She's like, oh God, can you just not? Can you just leave me the F alone? I'll come to you when I want you. That's your typical avoidant type person. And so how do I approach them? You don't really. You give them space. And then some of them actually kind of flourish and come more towards center the more they're left the F alone. Uh, well, a lot of them, you let them go and they just keep drifting. And then it's heartbreaking for a lot of your anxious or more secure types because they're like, oh, This person, I let them go, they don't come back, they just keep going. That sucks. It's like, yeah, that's— some are like that. Um, but it takes the avoidant person to say, yeah, I need some help with how I interact with my, my partner here. That's not fair to them and, uh, not good.