How Men Drift Into Sexless Marriages

I want to start today by reading you an email from a follower. It's not real dramatic. There's no big explosions, no cheating, none of that, which is precisely why I'm reading it. The subject line is, not sure if this is even a problem. Hi Ralph, I've been married for 14 years, 2 kids, good life on paper. My wife and I really don't have sex anymore. Maybe once every few months. She says it's stress, hormones, exhaustion, and I believe her. I don't pressure her. I don't want to be that guy. I help around the house. I hand handle the kids. I've tried to be more emotionally available. I stopped bringing it up because it just makes her upset. We get along fine otherwise. I guess my question is, is this just what marriage looks like? I feel selfish even asking. Mark. If you listen to Mark's message here and you said, yeah, that sounds about right, well, I want you to pay attention because nothing in that email sounds very urgent, does it? And that's precisely the problem. This is how a lot of marriages end. Not all marriages end in big explosions and huge dramatic chaotic moments. Most of them stall. They slow down quietly, politely. Nobody stops to say, you know what, this is not okay. Let's start with the line that matters the most from Mark's email here. He says, I stopped bringing it up because it just makes her upset. That sentence right there is what we call passivity. It's not laziness. It's not weakness. It means letting something important fade into the background because you don't want to make everyone uncomfortable. You do not want to rock the boat. Most men out there do not stop wanting sex in the relationship. They stop wanting conflict. They stop wanting to be seen as the needy guy. They stop wanting to be seen as the bad guy. They stop wanting another conversation that goes absolutely nowhere. So what do men in these situations do? They adapt. They tolerate. They endure. And they tell themselves, that's just the way it is. Here is what I see over and over again. Men in these dead bedroom situations aren't choosing this situation. They are allowing it. They didn't wake up one day and decide, you know what, I'm going to have a sexless marriage. But they did wake up one day and say, you know what, I am never going to rock the boat. I am scared to death of my wife. Let's be clear about something. Passivity in a relationship is not neutrality. Passivity is a choice. You are choosing the comfort now over the resentment later. You are choosing silence over tension. You are choosing stability over for honesty. And when you make that choice over and over again, it compounds and compounds and the snowball gets bigger and bigger. And pretty soon you can't ignore it anymore. And something like divorce happens. All because you didn't do the hard work of having those little uncomfortable moments. Notice something else in Mark's email. He says, I believe her when she talks about the stress, the hormones, and the exhaustion. And you know what? All these things might be absolutely true. But here's what happens when a man takes all those reasons at face value and he stops doing any kind of pursuing. He turns all that desire that he has into guilt. He starts thinking, "Who am I to want more out of this relationship? I should be more understanding of all the things that are going on with her." So instead of asking, "What is it that I need out of this relationship?" he instead always asks, "What can I do to make her life easier?" All that is is passivity wearing a moral mask. Long marriages don't necessarily kill desire on their own, but avoidance Sure as hell does. Avoiding hard conversations, avoiding boundaries, avoiding the truth about what you're actually living with. Silence becomes the agreement between you two. Picture it. It's late. The kids are asleep. You're sitting down on the couch next to your wife. You think about saying something out loud, something about the lack of intimacy, something about how you don't feel wanted anymore, something about how it's weird that your wife doesn't want to touch you anymore. And then your brain kicks in. You know what? She's tired. This is just going to turn into a big fat fight. I don't want to ruin the evening. She's already stressed enough as it is. So he says and does absolutely nothing. And the next night he does the same thing. And after a year of this, day after day after day, he's not super over-the-top angry, he's just numb. Here is a line that I want you to really listen to. Let this really sink into that man brain of yours. If you don't take control of your life, your life will move forward but without your input. And that is precisely what is happening here with Mark and his situation, and with the thousands of you out there who take in my material. The marriage keeps on going. The Years pass by and the resentment quietly builds. The snowball gets bigger and bigger and bigger. And then you become a passenger in your own relationship. And then you realize years later, maybe even one divorce later, that instead of being in the passenger seat, all you had to do was scooch over and grab the wheel and take control. Now, this is where a lot of guys push back. They say stuff like, what am I supposed to demand sex from the woman? Am I supposed to pressure her? Am I supposed to be a selfish asshole? And the answer is no. It's not about what you're entitled to as a dude. It's about agency. And agency sounds like this: this relationship, it ain't working for me. I, as a perfectly healthy man, I actually do need intimacy in my life. I don't want to live like roommates anymore. I am not okay pretending that this is fine because it's not. It's weird. That is not pressure on your part. That's not being a needy asshole. That It's just clarity. And most men in these situations, ironically, they take a page from the book of typical wife behavior. They're not very direct with their communication. They kind of skirt around the issue. They hint and they hope and they wait and they let things happen to them instead of choosing what happens. And then they wake up 10 years later going, how the hell did I get here? And the answer is your passivity. Here's another little nugget of wisdom to hammer into your head. Being understanding is not the same thing as being honest. You can empathize with your partner's stress and still be an advocate for your own needs. I know, crazy. But passive men think, no, it's got to be one or the other. It can't be both at the same time. It's impossible. So what they do is they sacrifice themselves quietly. And that sacrifice, ironically, does not make the relationship stronger. It just makes it hollow. So why the hell do men act so passively in these relationships? What the hell's going on here? It's fear. Fear of being rejected. Fear of being told that you're a selfish dick. Fear of being the one who, quote, causes problems. Fear of being the one to be blamed when it all falls apart. So instead, you do nothing, and nothing becomes the decision. Here's a question that every man must ask himself sooner or later: if nothing ever changes in this relationship, can I live like this for the rest of my life? Be honest with yourself, because if the answer is No, then your passivity is no longer kindness. It's just avoidance. So to Mark and others like Mark, this doesn't mean, hey dummy, leave your marriage. It means you need to stop pretending that nothing is going on here because the cost of your passivity in this relationship and in life in general, it's not just this stupid dead bedroom situation. The cost is your identity as a man. The cost is your erosion of your own self-respect. Let me leave you with this. Wanting intimacy in your relationship does not make you a selfish asshole. Avoiding your own life does not make you noble. Men don't lose their marriages because they speak up. They lose themselves because they don't. If Mark's message to me feels uncomfortably familiar to you, you're not broken. You're just finally seeing things clearly. And that clarity is where your agency starts. And guys, you can get help with all of this. You don't have to do all of this stuff alone. In fact, there are hundreds and hundreds of other dudes out there who have been through the exact same thing, and they're all standing by to help you at the Brotherhood. And you can learn more at help4men.com/join. Once you join, you can check out the forums, the Zoom meetings, the one-on-one coaching, the courses, all my books. We get together in person in our conferences in the US. As well as in Australia. Check it out at help4men.com/join. And guys, if you like this video, do me a favor, click on subscribe, click on like, share, leave a comment. I would appreciate it. Thank you so very much for watching. We'll catch you on the next one.