A guide for anxious men on staying communicative without seeming needy. The speaker advises recognizing anxious thoughts without acting on them, staying calm and confident, and respecting your partner's need for space. Being a steady presence beats chasing or trying to fix perceived problems.
Chapters
Can you share some examples and ideas on ways that a man can communicate to a woman without coming across as needy, overwhelming, and maintain a masculine role? Some examples of that. Well, what I find is a man that— the man that needs to hear, uh, advice along those lines, Scott, are what you and I both know are men that we call anxious. And those men are, uh, have a form of anxious attachment attachment, and their style of interacting with people in a romantic relationship is one of chasing, pursuing, trying to fix, trying to hang on. And they tend to lean towards a much, for lack of a better term, not the most masculine frame in the world, do they? So it's a quote— I say quote unquote when I say masculine because that's such a subjective term. I take masculine here in Kentucky, and it's different from masculine in New York City, which is different from masculine in India, which is different. But there are arguably some tenets, some foundational things that are consistent across the board, aren't there? Regardless, we know what a— what manly behavior is regardless of where you're at. And there's some little subtleties along the way, sure, but one of those is, um, dare I say, to be stoic under pressure, to be able to handle what life throws at you, to be the foundational rock in the relationship, in the home, in the family. Somebody's got to be. Somebody's got to be the tough one that people can turn to when shit hits the fan. And right or wrong, that tends to be the old dude. At least it should be in the minds of most people. And Communicating to a woman and coming across as needy is not portraying the most steadfast, strong, foundational, stoic man persona that we all want. So ways to communicate with a woman— let's say like legitimately is something wrong with wife. Maybe there's an interaction with wife and she says something that just makes you go, oh, A lot of men that are on your more anxious side, probably most of you watching this or listening to this, whatever, you don't just do the, "Oh, what the hell is that?" You do the, "Oh," and then the brain starts ruminating and spinning into territory of, "Yeah, this is bad." You may not necessarily overtly verbalize this in your head, but in general, what you are doing as Mr. Anxious Guy is saying, her behavior could indicate something is really, really bad under the surface, which could in turn result in the end of us. Here's us. I'm seeing behavior that may result in us going apart, and that fills me with a great deal of dread and anxiety and all kinds of bad stuff. And for our extremely anxious men, that could be, dude, anything. The woman sneezes the wrong way. What's wrong? You know, she's got a weird look on her face. There's something up with her. She's 5 minutes late from work. Is she cheating on me? These are all very insecure, anxious things. So let's say you know your woman better than anybody, and you're like, something's off with her. She's not her typical self. She seems down. Um, a manly, loving, leader-y, masculine way is, you know, put your arms around her. What's up, sweetie? What's going on with you today? You're not yourself. Let's talk about it. What's up? That's not anxious. That's not needy. That's not trying to be Mr. Fixer. That's not chasing after her. That's being the good leader, boss. It's almost a paternal figure, isn't it? That's what's disturbing to a lot of men, especially men these days in a more egalitarian-focused society that we are. There's no difference between men and women. Horseshit. Of course there is. But no one likes to talk about that these days. And to go towards that more paternal kind of thing, that really rubs people the wrong way. Like, I don't want to be this father figure that's like, come here, sweetie, let's talk, let me put my arm around you. That's like, uh, well, welcome to being a dude in a relationship. You got to do that stuff sometimes. And you would hope that your partner is receptive to that loving, strong behavior. And then sometimes you gotta— when they're just like, no, I don't want to. You just go, cool, you know, back off. Let her, let her do her thing. She wants her distance, she wants her space. It is what it is, man. Um, that's tough. That— hey, let her have her space. Anxious dudes are like, I can't let her have her space. Why? I may lose her.
