"I Provide, I Protect… So Why Am I Rejected?"

All right folks, we have a new Dear DSO entry on the website and you can submit your own story or question at deardso.com. That's deardso.com. And if it's a good one, I will create a video out of it for the whole world to see or for the podcast listeners to listen to. And you can find, uh, Dad Starting Over wherever podcasts are. And if you could do me a favor, if you were watching this on YouTube, if you could click down below and click subscribe, click like, and leave a comment, that would help me out a great deal. I really appreciate it. And this one comes from, we'll call him Matt, 'cause I believe he gives his real name here. He says, I don't get this. A weekend ago, we were intimate twice, and it was awesome for both of us. I hear this a lot from guys. She was on her period this week, which is no big deal. Well, that's good. I was consumed with work. I tried to communicate with her that I was really busy and stressed with all the patients that I have to see in a given day, along with managing other sides of the practice. So it sounds like somebody is a medical doctor. I asked for a sexual favor one night and was rejected. I asked each night for a couple of nights due to stress after work, and it was never once done. Okay, Saturday and Sunday came. Like almost every weekend, my wife has a vision of all the items that she wants me to have done. I refused. I did the main item and that was it. I claimed that I felt used, and maybe when I wasn't so tired. She has been awful the past 2 mornings and she doesn't see that I reciprocated her actions. So you're saying you just gave back to her what she gave to you. Um, I do take rejection hard, he says. I see a therapist in regards to this, and it is rooted in childhood trauma I experienced with divorced parents. But man, do I take it bad when she rejects me. Well, yeah. I feel as though we made a connection the week before and she understood what I needed. Am I selfish for asking for a sexual favor? If so, I accept, but she expects me to do all I can do quote man things at the snap of her fingers, and yet she won't reciprocate. Love the content. M. Matt. Well, Matt, touchy subject, my friend. You're going down a road that a lot of men go down, which is not necessarily a good one. It's understandable. I'm saying this as a dude. I'm not shaming you for what you are saying, but I'm just trying to say, let's look at it from the point of view of the lady. The gal in this particular example, your wife, and ladies in general. What is the ideal situation that brings about sexual intimacy in a relationship? One of connection, one of you and me, and we're, yes, emotionally connected. That's more important in long-term monogamy than it is in your dating phase and your one-night stand. A lot of men like to point that out, like, man, I just had the most wild sexual night of my life, and it was with a woman that I knew for like 12 minutes. There was no emotional anything there. There was, there was no getting to know, there was no safety, there was no this and that. It was just pure carnal lust. I said, well, true, there's, you know, that category of sexual intimacy, but it's not fair to compare that to long-term monogamy, been with somebody for years and years, kids and the whole nine yards. Um, it's a different ball game, fair or unfair, it's just the way it is, dude. So here you are, and presumably long-term monogamy, and you're doing what a lot of guys do, which is, we had the most amazing time ever the other night. Why doesn't that energy carry forth into the next week and the next week and the next week? Why doesn't she like remember what an awesome time that was? I've even had some guys say that their wife said to them verbatim, man, that was awesome, like immediately after the act. Man, that was awesome, we should do that more often. And the guy's like, I know, that's what I've been saying all this time. And then he's like, 10 minutes later, just like that, she's back in mom mode. She's back in stressed out, anxious mode. She's worried about this thing and that thing. And he goes, you know, maybe to give her a pat on the butt or something in the kitchen, and she's just like, duh. And he's like, well, there's the old, like, non-sexual, sexually dormant mom mode woman. 10 minutes ago she was over-the-top orgasmic. What the eff? We can't as men understand that. And probably a lot of ladies listening to that are smiling, going, yeah, I've been there, done that. In our mind, it kind of sucks, especially our more sexual guys, our, let's say it, our ADHD guys, who ADHD guys tend to be a little rejection sensitive. Matt, is this ADHD thing ringing a bell for you? Tend to be like, the ADHD guys tend to be like, that dopamine hit of that sexual connection was so extreme, I want it like now again and again and again, 3 times a day. Why aren't we doing it 3 times a day? This makes me very upset. Combined with the rejection, it makes you extra upset. And like I say, ADHD guys tend to be very rejection sensitive. So do guys on the autism spectrum. They're that neurodivergent umbrella category of traits, I guess you could say. And they share a lot in common. So here you are, Mr. Provider Man, the super successful medical doctor, it sounds like. You haven't said that, but I'm putting two and two together here. And you're doing a lot and you expect your reward of sexual intimacy from the wife. That is not that ideal, born out of emotional connection, born out of, you know, that slow boil of connection between a couple that leads to sexual intimacy in a long-term relationship. That's not that ideal situation. What you're doing is short-circuiting it and saying, can we, can we jump from A to Z please? Because I am stressed. And what you're saying to the wife is, you're my aspirin to cure my headache. You're the device I need to make me feel better. It's not, hey, I love you, I lust after you, we've been, you know, cuddling and schmoozing all day, all week. It's none of that. It's just like, woman, me no feel good, fix me. Of course that's not gonna go over too well. And then you push it and push it, and then it sounds like you have this, oh, you two together, and yes, it's just as much your fault as it is hers, you two together have cultivated this atmosphere of wife brings honey-do list to husband and he dutifully, you know, completes step 1, 2, 3, whatever on the list. And finally, you know, after you feel rejected by her and you have all this resentment of why isn't she making you feel better and why isn't mommy kissing my boo-boo? Let's put that out there. That's kind of the vibe you're getting here. You retaliate. I'm not going to do your to-do list anymore, woman. And she's pissed. She knows what's going on here. She realizes, you know, why you are being snotty back to her. And it's not the sexiest thing in the world. And yet you two gotta work some shit out, man. Yeah, you need to take a step back and look at it and go, okay, maybe this wasn't the smoothest, sexiest thing in the world for me to act this way towards her, expect her to make me feel better in that way. I should have framed it differently. Maybe I need to do a better job at connecting with this woman at that level. Um, sure, I provide and I'm a good this and that, and yes, I typically do the honey-do list, and yes, that should garner some level of respect and maybe allow the wife to be more open to cultivating that intimacy between the two of you. But it doesn't mean that as soon as you walk in, drop your briefcase, that she should blow you right there in the living room. That's what every man wants, but let's be realist— realistic. That's what not 99.9% of us out there get from our wives. It's, we walk in the door and she is complaining about her day. She's stressed out about this kid thing, about the job thing. Sure, you probably work a lot more hours. Sure, you arguably are under more stress in the workplace. Sure, you probably save lives day in and day out. But with her perspective, she's super stressed out, tired and cranky and getting older. And here comes Mr. Man going, hey, can you like give me a handy? I don't feel too good. Not the greatest atmosphere for sexual intimacy, my friend. Have you read my book, The Dead Bedroom Fix? DeadBedroomFix.com. You can go there and you can download a copy from the website or click on any of the retailers on there. That's my best-selling book by a long shot. Guys love it. A lot of ladies read it and say, you nailed it, dude. So check it out, The Dead Bedroom Fix, if you haven't already. If you'd like to book time with me one-on-one, you can do so. Go to our main website, HelpForMen.com.. And while you're there, check out our private community for men only called the Brotherhood, the HFM Brotherhood. And you can go right to the join page at helpformen.com/join or click on Brotherhood in the menu at helpformen.com. I think working with some other guys and talking about this would help you a lot. And we have a lot of medical doctors in there, believe it or not. And I know that world well, my friend, because my wife is a medical doctor. So thanks so much for reaching out. I appreciate it a great deal. And guys, thank you for watching. We'll see you on the next one.