A spouse says she's done but won't sign divorce papers. A therapist explains why: she needs the security, the routine, the stable home, the access to kids. Even women with high incomes often stay married for the safety net, not the love.
I apologize, I don't know how to pronounce your first name. Is the G silent? Moon? I don't know. Uh, he says, my psychologist, uh, recommended to leave my wife after 20 years. We have 2 kids and she has not cheated, but she does not want to continue being married, but she will not leave because she does not have a place to go to. Oh, okay. Uh, see this one all the time. Uh, my wife, you know, a man will talk about all these actions that his wife does that are really, really negative and basically push him away. Get away, get away. You know, sometimes overtly physically get away, and sometimes in an emotional way, like, I've detached from you emotionally, get away. And, uh, here's me and therapists and others saying, in essence, you've been dumped, dude. And the guy's like, well, if I've been dumped, what's she doing sticking around? We had to talk about divorce, and she's like, I don't want a divorce. Like, well, why not? Obviously she's done with me. Well, dude, For a lot of people, divorce is a big honking thing that will really throw a grenade in the room of their life. And, um, you represent a lot of security, comfort. They know what's going to happen today, tomorrow, and the next day and the next year and so forth. If suddenly you're gone, goodbye safety and security, goodbye comfort, goodbye knowing what's going to happen next week. That's scary. For a lot of people. So, um, especially for people that are, um, and this is more often than not women, sorry, not all of you. Now pause here while you leave your comments. But first, for a lot of you, a lot of you gals, um, when you're in later years, monogamous relationship of 10, 20, 30 years, postmenopausal, a lot of you kind of, uh, resign yourself to the sexual me is gone, that part of me is dead, um, and that's just cool. And the follow-up to that is, which is not very healthy, is, and he's just gonna have to live with that. Sorry. Oh sure, Mr. Horndog 50-year-old here is ready to go at the drop of a hat, and I still catch him looking at all those gals, and I can see that he's still a a sexual creature, but I'm not. Oh well. And, and then you're like, well, what do you do in this relationship? Like, well, that's not— the relationship's not just about the old in and out. It's all the other stuff that goes with it. So I'm cool with eliminating that part, the romantic part of our relationship, and all that goes with it, not just the intercourse, but all the other stuff leading up to it. We can, we can ditch that. The cuddling, the snuggling, the handholding, the kissing, that, that Done. I can go without that. But I kind of need a roof over my head. I kind of need food in the refrigerator. I kind of need to see my children. I kind of need, I kind of need, I kind of need, and on and on and on. So yeah, we need to stay married. Hmm. When I say it out loud like that, it's not the healthiest dynamic in the world, is it? But that's reality for a lot of people, I'm learning over the years. A lot of people. And Mark says, because she's not done with the lifestyle that you provide. And it may not necessarily be, Mark, um, he provides, meaning he makes all the money and without his money she will, you know, be destitute. No, a lot of these women are high-paid women that they do well for themselves. Even if the guy looks at it on paper and he's like, I don't know what the holdup here is because she makes more than I do, she'll be just fine on her own. She has a— I don't want her 401k and all her savings and all the other shit. She can keep that stuff. And hell, I'll give her the car, I'll give her this. We've talked about it, but she's like, no, no, no, no, no. Why? That comfort, the security, that knowing what's going to happen, that's, that's huge for a lot of people, man. To throw her out, even if she's got, you know, nice high six-figure whatever and a Mercedes and stuff, to say you're on your own, to some people, beyond frightening. And they can't take that next step, as silly as that may seem to some of us, some of us more independent types.
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