Is Monogamy Unnatural for Men? A Hard Look at Modern Relationships

Strict sexual monogamy. It seems like at some point every man questions whether or not it's a real natural thing, if it's something we should all pursue. What do you guys think? Let's talk about it in today's Dear DSO submission. And you can submit your own story or question at deardso.com. Fill out the form, and if your submission is a good one, I will create a video out of it for the whole world to see, or for the podcast listeners on the Dad Starting Over podcast to listen to. Dad Starting Over podcast available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you may find your podcasts. And guys, if you're watching this on YouTube, do me a favor, click down below, click on subscribe, click on like, click on share, leave a comment, all that good stuff, man. I would really appreciate it a great deal. Thank you so very much. Now on to today's submission. This one comes from David and he says, hey DSO, that's me by the way. He says, "I'm writing this because I'm genuinely confused and a bit frustrated. I'm a guy in my late 30s. I've been in a couple of long-term relationships and now I'm single again, trying to make sense of what the hell is going on with modern relationships. Here's what keeps hitting me in the face. Everyone talks about monogamy like it's the gold standard. Parents push it, movies romanticize it, religion says it's, quote, 'the only moral way,' and yet, almost nobody I know seems happy doing it. I've got married friends who are miserable, sexless, resentful, disconnected. I've got divorced friends who are bitter and broken. And even the ones who seem like they're doing okay often admit that they're just, quote, getting through it. So my question is, if monogamy is so, quote, natural, why does it seem to be such a constant struggle? Why does it require so much compromise, suppression, and work to maintain? And why is there so much cheating, resentment, and dissatisfaction? I'm not trying to be cynical. I want connection. I want love. But I'm starting to wonder if monogamy, at least the way it's commonly practiced, is more of a cultural ideal than a biological one. Maybe it's just not a good fit for everyone. Maybe it's unnatural to expect one person to meet all of our emotional, sexual, and psychological needs for decades. I don't know, I'm just kind of— I'm just tired of pretending that the current model works when it clearly doesn't for so many people. What do you think? Am I missing something? What a great question, David. Very well put, very well written. I appreciate it. Thank you so much. This is, you know, whether you know it or not, uh, you're opening a pretty big can of worms here. Um, much of our— especially in the Western world, much of our Oh, foundation for relationships and how our culture has determined is the way for doing it, as you allude to here, is to say one man, one woman, make some babies, and you two together forever and ever. Um, what it doesn't though is say, and by the way, here's a handbook for how to maintain, um, sexiness and connection romantically through all of what's about to hit you upside the face in life, you know, kids and stress and all life's ups and downs. All of us men wish we had such a handbook, but we don't. The only thing coming close to it is my book, which by the way, check it out, "The Dead Bedroom Fix." You can learn more at deadbedroomfix.com. How's that for a plug? But you're not crazy for asking the question. This is one which if, you know, if we were to hook up a lie detector to men and, you know, ask them, "Have you ever thought about whether or not this is a natural thing?" Yeah, we're gonna find out that most men at some point in their life have thought about, is it natural for me to commit myself to one woman like this? Especially when the one woman doesn't seem nearly as interested in the old in and out as much as I am. Especially after being together for so many years, kids and all that other stuff. And then you go hunting for answers from others and you're like, my friend's miserable, my brother's miserable, hell, my dad, I grew up with him, he was a miserable SOB. Everybody seems to be miserable for this, while in this long-term monogamy, but I'll be damned if they're not all pushing it. They're all like, you gotta do this, dude. And we do feel this pressure, you know, from a young age on. If we eventually get a girlfriend and we're a young adult, everybody's like, so when you two gonna tie the knot? When you gonna get together? When you gonna make an honest woman out of her? When you gonna settle down? And as you say, you know, popular culture and everything pushes this narrative as well. So what's going on here? If Why is everybody pushing at number one? And why is it— why does everybody seem to have such a hard time with it? I've talked about this in several other videos that we're going through a bit of a growing pain period right now with long-term monogamous relationships. First of all, let me back up and say the template of one man, one woman together, making kids and forming a life together by virtue of calling each other husband, wife, calling each other partners, calling each other whatever fill-in-the-blank thing, I mean, whatever term you want to use, whatever your culture applies here, that seems to be something that is kind of baked into the human animal experience cross-culturally all over the world throughout human history. There is something about us, again, as the human animal that says, must find partner to go through life with. We strive for that, most of us. And we built our whole life kind of around that. And then we try to have children. Again, this may sound very— you know, some of you are listening to this protesting, going, no, no, dude, that's very unnatural. This is a relatively new modern invention. No. If you study human behavior, uh, if you look at human history, again, you and me, woman, partners for life, let's go through this life together— very, very common. We see it again and again and again. I don't care what culture you're looking at all over the world. But the kicker is that doesn't necessarily mean, or it did not necessarily mean throughout all of human history, strict sexual monogamy. That was either understood that that's kind of too much to ask. It was kind of understood that if a man has a lot of resources, wealth, and abundance in his life, that it's kind of understood, yeah, he's going to have kids with multiple women. Even though he has this primary partner, he will do the deed with multiple women, have kids with other women. It's just kind of a given. Polygyny is the word for that. Polygyny has been a given through all of human history. These days we look at that and go, what a dickhead for doing that. But human history says it's kind of the way it is. Um, you know, we have extreme examples, for example, like Genghis Khan. That dude's DNA is everywhere these days. You know, there are people all over the world that say, I have some of that Genghis Khan DNA in me. Why? Dude got around everywhere he went. He conquered, he made babies, he did all that. And it was an understood thing. It's just what you do. These days, no bueno. We don't do that. But I think you, David, and others would be surprised that because of the, oh, social narrative or messaging out there that's very pro strict, strict sexual monogamy, we put under wraps some of the solutions that people have come up with over the years, over the generations, that we don't like to talk about. People have been fooling around on their spouses since the beginning of time. People have been forming extramarital relationships that are above board, meaning their partner knows all about it and is cool with it. That's been going on forever. There's even all the way to things like swinging, which means both partners are involved with other people sexually, and it's above board, and it's a part of their sex life. That's been going on forever. We're kind of a bunch of prudes when it comes to sex. We're kind of in denial. We kind of think like, no, gosh darn it, it's one man, one woman together forever, and that's it. That's the template. Well, I'm here to tell you that is the template for relatively small minority of us. Religious people hate hearing me say that. Conservative people hate hearing me say that. But all the evidence seems to suggest if you think that you are wired, you know, with a lot of introspection, a lot of self-analysis, you say, no, I am a very strict sexual— sexually monogamous individual. I want one person, and I will be with that one person from now until the end of time. It's going to be difficult for you to find somebody who is also matched in that way, even though they may say they are. Even though they may say they have all this evidence to show that that's how they are, when push comes to shove, when they're really presented with all these obstacles in life, when they're with somebody and the honeymoon stage subsides and they have 2.5 kids and they're stressed the hell out, and here comes somebody, you know, in their purview that says, hey, come form an inappropriate relationship with me, strict monogamous person, suddenly they're not so strictly monogamous anymore, are they? We see that quite a bit. And there is a form of jumping from sexual partner to sexual partner, which is okay with the majority of society out there today. And that's called something called serial monogamy, which is achieved by virtue of getting together with somebody, pair bonding with them, if you want to call it that, to use the biological term, um, making babies with them, committing to them, and then it fades and you divorce or split up or whatever it may be. And then you go do the same thing with somebody else and somebody else and somebody else. That's serial monogamy. You're committed to that person for that period of time, and then you break up and you commit to this person for a period of time. That seems to be, um, not only is that socially acceptable these days, but it seems to be— if we had to point to one way in which we're all wired, that seems to be it. So you're right to point out those that say, no, no, no, I want the super strict sexual monogamy with this one person, one person only. That seems to be really tough for most people. And I would say, well, yeah, because most people are wired with that serial monogamy, I guess, the programming within them. There's something not so nice about long-term monogamy that we all run into at some point in some form or another, which is We've had kids, we're comfortable, everything's cool. And you as man, your eye starts wandering, doesn't it? You're looking at all those other women, you're fantasizing about them. You're probably taking care of business yourself because you're not getting your need met, um, 100% within this monogamous relationship with the wife. And things like pornography and sex workers take advantage of your inclination to spread your seed elsewhere, so to speak. And the woman's, um, programming seems to say to her, hey, your job is done as far as making babies with this guy is concerned. Let him go. You're done with him. All your feelings and everything else for him, gone. So both have to make a concerted effort to come back together. And many people don't have the tools in their toolbox to do that. Many people don't have the personality, the disposition to do that. Many people just shrug their shoulders and live in misery, or divorce and do it all over again with somebody else. So it takes a certain special person to pull it off, and I think that's what we're seeing now. We're going through a bit of growing pains right now in the world of long-term relationships. Um, for generations, uh, long-term marriage has been a tool of need, necessity. I need her to survive. She says, I need him to survive, and we gotta procreate and make babies or else the species dies out, or else my bloodline dies out. So it was a very mechanical, need-based, not romantic institution. Now we flipped it. She doesn't need him anymore. He doesn't necessarily need her either. And the more affluent a society becomes, we notice— how interesting— the less emphasis there is on procreating and making babies. So now we got two people that if you ask them, you wanna have kids? One or both of them may go, not really. So we need romance, we need my best friend, we need my partner for life, we need my caregiver, we need all these things, but none of those things are needed to survive and none of those things are needed to procreate and make babies. Oof, extra tough to find a partner to do all that with. So yes, things just got extra tough. And I think that's what you're seeing. And you're kind of waking up to all this going, all these people that seem to be trying this long-term monogamy, they're all sucking at it. They're all failing at it. Is that an indication that it is an unnatural way to be? You may have a point. Now let's flip it and look at the, the more conservative, pro-family, pro-strict monogamy, what their point of view may be in all this, because it has definitely has value. They may disagree with much of what I just said. So let's, let's look at their point of view here. One point of view is that monogamy can and should work. And the way it can work is if you have two emotionally mature people. Most people enter into monogamy for the wrong reasons, you know, out of fear, out of obligation, and so forth. But if you have two emotionally mature people, they will gravitate towards that for deeper reasons in life, deeper, almost spiritual reasons in life, to go through life with somebody and to sacrifice your— I guess you could say lustfulness or whatever else— for the greater good of the relationship, society as a whole, the family that they create. They're bigger and better than those little animalistic tendencies within themselves. They can rise above it by virtue of their religiosity, moral compass, whatever it may be. So they see this strict monogamy as being as natural as something as parenthood, discipline, leadership, all those good yet tough things that take a concerted effort to do but are worth it in the long run. In other words, to them, difficulty doesn't make something unnatural. Difficulty means that it makes it meaningful. And so we as a society need to suck it up and we need to acquire those skills needed to pull this off because all of this family thing is much bigger than us as people, as individuals. So we need to stop being so damn selfish and we need to yank our head out of our asses. That's their claim. Makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? But it's also a little naive at the same time. It's very simple just to wave a hand and go, this is how we all should be. And then hold a gun to people's head and say, so do it that way, damn it. It don't work that way. That causes a lot of shame in people who don't have those tools in their toolbox. It causes a lot of pressure for people to, you know, put up their chaotic life and strive for this, which sounds great on paper. But I'll tell you what, I talk to those people every single day. It doesn't work for the majority of them. So what's the grand solution here? I don't know. I don't know if we need some kind of, you know, intense boot camp for people that are looking to enter into long-term monogamy and really sit them down and say, this is what it means. And this is what it's gonna take to make it work, and these are the ground rules, and here's what to do and what not to do. Like an 8-week-long thing. Maybe by the end of the 8 weeks, unfortunately, what we will see is a whole bunch of people opting out of the system, even more so than what they are now. But in turn, who will be left? The cream of the crop. And we will have much more, much healthier families, albeit fewer of them, And maybe society will benefit from that overall. I don't know. But as you can see, David, your letter here just brings up all kinds of thoughts. And I'm not the most intelligent person to speak on all of this. I'm sure there are lots of other people who you can, who can, uh, you can read their works on this. There's, you know, evolutionary psychologists, anthropologists, sociologists, psychologists, and so forth who have tackled this issue for generations. It's not a new one, my friend. So welcome to the club, people that are questioning You know, some of these long-held beliefs and institutions, which when we really look at it with, you know, a magnifying glass, it just may not necessarily apply to all of us. So what a great question, David. I appreciate it. And guys, thank you all for watching. And if you could take a moment and go to help4men.com, help4men.com, there you're going to find articles, videos, courses, and you're going to find our private community that we call the Brotherhood. Go to help4men.com or jump right to the join page at help4men.com/join. Check out our private community, our support community for men that we call the Brotherhood. We're doing lots of great things, lots of awesome benefits for joining, and we would love to see you there. All right guys, thank you all so very much for watching.