Ralph Brewer advises Tanner, a 33-year-old divorced man three years sober, on dating after divorce. Expand your search geographically and socially, improve yourself like a product, join men's groups and sober-friendly events like mocktail meetups, and play the long game to find compatible partners.
Chapters
All right, Tanner kicking things off. Tanner from Facebook says, constructive feedback from fellow men. I am intrigued as a 33-year-old divorced dad. I've been single since the split and recently I've been trying to meet people online. I'm in a small town. I'm a recovering addict with 3 years clean. Well, very good. Congrats. So I at first thought it was, I at first thought it was a great well of potential for dating and the only relationships quote unquote I've had on it was a one night, was a one night stand. Well, Mr. Tanner, um, it's not so simple, is it? Um, you know, there are a lot of people that will sell you on courses and books and all kinds of things to help make Tanner a more attractive individual. Um, but, uh, you know, I've had— here's an extreme example. I've had some guys that are like, you don't understand, dude, my dating market sucks. And I say, yeah, I hear that from everybody. He's like, no, listen, I live 3 hours from the nearest city. My town has a whopping 273 people and they're all on meth. It's like, well, all right, maybe you got a point. A little bit more difficult for him than a person who lives in Brooklyn. Person in, you know, metro New York City area, you can swing a dead cat and hit a single good-looking woman with a good head on her shoulders. That may go against what a lot of people in my world think, but there are a lot of very good women out there. A lot of good single women out there. So your pool, maybe we need to adjust that and expand where it is you're looking. The other avenue of thought is to fix Tanner, so to speak. I've given this little speech before many times that you are, in essence, men and women alike, when you are single and on the market, you are a product. You're a widget on the shelf, on the store shelf, and people are walking by going, hmm, and they're picking you up and they're looking at you and going, yeah. Read the label, your bio, whatever it may be online. Or if you're doing this in person, it may be just your spiel or your game, your charisma when you meet people, and they may listen to that and go, not for me. If you hear that or get that feedback enough times, eventually you have to say, Tanner's got something he needs to work on. So, so what does he need to work on? I don't know. That's where working with men's groups comes in handy. Hey guys, this is what I do. This is who I am. This is who I'm meeting. Yada yada. The feedback you may get could be all over the place. It may be, dude, you need to look elsewhere. You're looking in the wrong places. It may be, dude, you need to expand your horizons and go out in completely different groups. Who knows? Work on your appearance. I don't know. All kinds of things, my friend. And you, okay, and you added to this, you say that you have an inability to go to bars and stuff because of of your past addiction issues. So your boundary is to stay away from that. So that does limit your ability to socialize. There's the old social lubricant of alcohol. There's a reason we all meet in bars and, you know, singles bars and so forth. It's kind of an old-timey thing, but it's still out there. You go to the club, the bar, why? People are drinking, their inhibitions are down, and they're more likely to get up the nerve to talk and meet other people and make out with some stranger on the dance floor. You've eliminated that from your pool, so your pool just decreased significantly. Are there other social groups? Are there social groups out there, Tanner, that, um, have men and women who have been what you've been through? They sit around, drink mocktails, you know, that's non-alcoholic cocktails, and they meet once a week somewhere. I don't know, I'm just shooting off the hip here. I have no idea if this even exists. If not, maybe you should start it. There's an idea. Meetup is a website. I don't know if it's still around or if it's still popular, where you can look for different, oh, interests, disciplines, and so forth that you may be into. And then you'll find other groups that are also into it and you meet other dudes. And that's another thing is that, and this is something that, I'm trying to think where I heard this from. Dr. Matt Zakreski, he is an expert on neurodivergence, autism, ADHD and so forth. And I did interview with him for the Help for Men YouTube channel. Go to youtube.com/@realhelpformen, all one word, or just search for Help for Men Zakreski, Z-A-K, I think. Anyway, and, um, to tell certain men who have, you know, certain social anxieties and so forth, go to the, the singles scene, the mixer, and just go with hundreds of people in a big room somewhere and just go meet people. It's like, no, That sounds like hell, right? But what if you're the type of guy who likes to work on Legos? You know, typical quote unquote nerdy stuff. I like to assemble models in Legos and jigsaw puzzles or go to book clubs and that kind of thing. And then you go to that thing and it's 99% dudes and you're like, well, this is no way to meet women. Yes, but it will introduce you to a new network of people that are more like you, which will in turn potentially lead to women kind of like you. And some of those may be single. It's the long game. It ain't the short game. It ain't click, click. You want a Tinder kind of let's Netflix chill thing. It's the more holistic, organic kind of thing. And that works for some people. Just something to think about.
