Join Ralph (DSO) and Monica ... LIVE!

Okay, let me, uh, hold on a second. Let me switch here.

My husband saw you and he's like, oh, another bald guy. My husband's bald.

There's a lot of us out there. So we are officially live. I'm gonna dispense with the whole audio intro graphic and all that stuff because we're officially 1 minute late. So everybody's just, I'm sure, just chomping at the bit.

All right, let's do it.

Let's go. So we are, we are officially live as of right now. Let's see if anybody can see us out there. Do me a big fat favor and give me a comment and just let us know that you can see us and where you are watching us from. Give a couple minutes for people to file in here. Let me check Facebook here real quick, make sure everything is kosher there.

And—

mm-hmm—

refresh.

Yes, we are good, we are live. Cool. Put that away. Excellent. So welcome everyone. Yep. So we got some people joining us. So they will slowly but surely and the numbers are going up. Very good. Welcome everyone. Thank you for watching today. I'm sure most of you watching this know me. If not, if you just stumbled upon this and like, who's this bald dude on here? My name is Ralph Brewer. You are watching this on the Dad Starting Over channel. I've been at this for years and years now. Putting out content from a guy who's been through a divorce. I've written a book about dead bedrooms called The Dead Bedroom Fix. That's how most people know me. I have a new website as of a few months ago, a new brand called Help for Men. That's more all-encompassing, more broad in scope than the whole dad starting over thing. And all of our businesses shifted over to the Help for Men side. So we have articles, videos that are all free on the Help for Men website. Check it out. We have all of my books that you can purchase on there, as well as a book by Austin on our team. He's written a book as well. We have courses that are slowly but surely coming along that will be live here soon. And we have a private men's group called the HFM—stands for Help for Men—HFM Brotherhood. We have private discussion forums, we have live Zoom meetings, we get together in person, we have over 800 hours of audio content. Guys love to listen to audiobooks and podcasts and all that. We got you covered. We get together in person, just all kinds of cool stuff in there. So check it out at helpformen.com. And my guest today, you're probably wondering who's Ralph Brewer. Ralph, forget you. Who's this next to you here? Miss Monica, tell us about yourself.

Good morning, good morning everyone. My name is Monica. I am the host of a podcast called the Marriage, Money, and Mindset Podcast. And basically, I like to always say I'm a, I'm a very strong advocate for men, uh, when it comes to relationships. You know, I, I feel that you guys, you know, you just get the brunt of just everything bad. Society tells you all guys are bad and everything in a relationship is the man's fault. And I'm here to hopefully hold women a little bit more accountable to what are they exactly bringing to the relationship, because guys, it's very important, but we have a role in this as well. So here I am today. Thank you, Ralph Brewer Brewer Brewer, so much for having me, and hopefully I can just provide maybe some female insight and see where we can go from there.

Absolutely. Well, thank you for coming on. And the hot button topic is the old accountability thing. Yeah, I've seen a lot of trends come and go in my comments. You know, I post a lot of videos, hundreds and hundreds of videos and articles and so forth, and you'll see comments and you start to see trends. You know, for a while there it was all wives are borderline, you know, the borderline personality disorder thing that came and went. You don't see that much more. Now we've moved on to narcissist, and one that I hear a lot of is the accountability thing, which is women just don't have accountability. Oh, God forbid a woman, you know, say, "Yeah, you're right, I am a little at fault here when it comes to this." You know, these stereotypes don't just fall from the sky. There's something to that when men say that. It's tough for women in our lives to say— it seems from our perspective, it's tough for women in our lives to say, "I'm sorry, I apologize," or, God forbid, "Yeah, you're right." My bad. We don't hear that very often as men. We don't hear that very often. I'm wrong. Yeah. And I did, I don't know if you saw, I did some videos, one of which went pretty viral. It got like 7 million views or something like that. And it was, I did two videos where I said, one for men and one for women. What if your partner came up to you and said, I don't like how you're looking physically. I'm not turned on right now. This is not working for me. You need to do something about this. And I said, one for men and one for women. And the men, 87— I'd like tabulated all these— 87% of the responses are what I would call positive in nature, which was like, oh shit, I better work on this, I don't want to lose my wife, what do I got to do, sorry about that, yada yada, hit the gym. You know, men take it their mission to lose a bunch of weight. And then 90+ percent of the women said, go fuck yourself, I don't have to do anything. And that was very alarming to a lot of people, like, oh wow. And then the excuse was, well, and this is perfectly valid explanation, well Ralph, how you worded the two videos, what they weren't exactly like It could be argued I was a little nicer to the, to the men, but on the women's side, I accidentally threw in the bit about, you know, ever since we've had children, you've really let yourself go. And women said, oh, that's what a way to push a button in women. You shouldn't have said that. So I said, okay, cool. So I waited like 6 months and I redid the experiment and I made the videos exactly the same. I didn't make any mention of babies or anything like that. And the results were pretty much the same. Women saying, "Go fuck yourself. We don't have to do anything." It's like, well, that's not good. Let's do a different one about attitude. Ladies, your attitude stinks. Men, your attitude stinks. And the men, your attitude stinks didn't really get much of a response at all, good or bad. It was mostly positive, like, well, I guess I better shape up, because I think men are used to hearing that. Like, you're kind of a grumpy asshole, cut it out, mister. But the women were, again, Go F yourself. I don't— don't you realize I'm overstressed? I'm over this. I'm way overwhelmed as a mother. I really don't need to hear from my husband. You got a shitty attitude. So, you know, you can take that little comment and shove it, mister. So we're like, well, does this point to a lack of accountability on the part of the women? Is that a cultural thing? What do you think's going on here?

Women as a whole, um, I actually heard this from Dr. Peterson, Jordan Peterson. And he said that women experience negative emotion or take in negativity at a 10 times greater rate than men. And so I do think that plays into it. But ultimately, I, I don't understand why us women are like this. And I am— I consider myself like a very goal-driven type of female. I always like to improve. Constantly be trying to do, you know, what's best, trying to be the best wife that I can be for my husband. And I don't know if that's just because I'm just very goal-driven. I don't think most females are like this. We just, we, we have a hard time, no matter how soft or kind or loving you could do the whole sandwich method where you say a compliment at the beginning and then you, you deliver the blow in the middle and then the compliment at the end. No matter what, there's going to be backlash. What you guys have to realize though is that what needs to be said in your relationship needs to be said. So if there is a concern, a lot of guys, what I think is the problem is that they just won't say it. And I always say guys got to get over this. You just have to get over this. There's going to be some backlash. And women do have this false notion that we just should be loved no matter what. And I disagree with that. Now, now, of course you want to be loved. Maybe, maybe I should retract that. Let me rewind, because yes, your husband should love you. However, you should also notice that attraction is different from love. He might still love you, but he can not be attracted to you. He might still love you but not be proud of you, not be proud to have you by his side. So there's a very different, in my mind, of, hey, not only do I want my husband to love me, love me, I want him to be proud of me. I want him to be attracted to me. And, and I think that's where maybe if we had the women dissect a little bit down, of course a man should love you, no, when you say no matter what, but he just might not be attracted to you anymore. And that's a whole different topic.

And that is something that I pointed out that, um, and I got a lot of backlash on this, but this is, I have to preface it by saying my audience, the people that I talk to, it is not representative of the the society as a whole by any stretch of the imagination. So of the subset of people that are attracted to my material and are wound up enough to comment or actually reach out to me via direct message or email, the general theme I get is one of, hey dude, this is a— your wife is not attracted to you anymore. Um, what do you think of that? And the general reply from some of these men, and a lot of these men are what we call kind of anxious in nature, is like, oh crap, What can I do to fix? And they will research the hell out of it, read every book, podcasts, YouTubes, and everything else to try and, you know, build the bridge between he and the wife. While the wives often come to me and say, I don't get it, my husband doesn't want me sexually anymore, for example. I've checked his phone for porn. I've checked his phone for, you know, possible affairs and everything else. What a lot of these women do is look for outside reasons for why this disconnect is happening, because in their mind, surely it ain't me. It can't be me. It can't be me. Um, again, that's not a representative of the general population, but that's of the women that reach out to me. That's the general message I get. And I have to tell them, you know, I'm sorry, this may be heartbreaking to you, but some of that shallow stuff matters. Looks, attitude, femininity, bubbliness, you know, are you a supportive, um, positive person to be around? Are you taking care of yourself physically? And women don't take that too well. Well, no, I've gained 80 pounds since I had the children, but you know what, that shouldn't matter. Are you trying to tell me, Ralph Brewer, that that matters? Because if it does, he's an asshole. I'm like, right, I'm sorry, it does, it matters. And I say the exact same thing to dudes. You've let yourself go, mister. You know, the example I often give is I talked to a guy who was a Division I collegiate swimmer. So talk about top of the heap looks-wise, athletic-wise, he really looked the part. And that was a big reason why there was an initial attraction between his wife towards him. Like, wow, I got this tall, hunky swimmer guy. And then he gets married and he's like, I don't have to do that shit anymore, and gains a ton of weight and just becomes this boring schlub of a husband. And he's like, How come we don't have that much of a connection anymore? I'm like, well dude, maybe you need to go back to some of the old you. He's like, oh yeah, never really thought of it that way. You're right. And he worked out himself, lost a bunch of weight, and voilà, the wife said, I got my husband back. And that does it. How often does that happen? Maybe not that often, but it's out there. It's a story I hear quite often, but I don't hear it much flip-flopped the other way. And it's unfortunate. And yeah, I think you, represent a minority of ladies that are very proactive. Take care of yourself physically. I, I'm not speaking out of school here. I saw in some of your comments on YouTube and your videos you mentioned hormonal therapy you've been through. Um, that's relatively rare, you know, as I'm sure you're well aware. You're well versed in that world. The message got out years ago, like, women, if you do that to yourself, you're going to die, you're going to get cancer, you're going to— no, we know for a fact that's not the case. That's way overblown.

Um, not only that, Ralph Brewer Brewer Brewer, it is categorically been debunked. The last— my last visit with my doctor, she says it's absolutely been debunked. So it's going to take a long time if doctors to get caught up that hormone therapy is very much, uh, not a risk to women for any kind of cancer.

Not only do we have the— this erroneous study that came out decades ago that has kind of painted the picture of HRT bad for women. Okay, let's wipe that from the table. Well, we're not done yet because we also have this general consensus or theme of, ladies, you're fine the way you are. Aging is a natural process. So what if you've lost your libido? So what if your rate of heart disease goes up? So what if osteoporosis goes up? You are fine the way you are. Just let nature take its course and do its thing. And men, you know, in a way get the same type of message. I would say probably it's maybe, and well, I'm a little biased in this, that us men get more of the message of you got to stay strong, got to stay virile. You're very much, your identity is very much based upon what a strong, virile, tough man you are. And if our testosterone goes down, it's a lot tougher to be a tough, virile, strong dude. And society's just kind of like, eh, you're a weakling, beat it, dude. I think we get that message more so— maybe I'm being biased in this— than the gals, who I think the overwhelming message is, "You're fine the way you are." So if I'm a dude and I see my gal really going downhill and she doesn't want to do anything sexually and she's very mopey, if not depressed, and so forth, and if he says, "You ever heard about this hormonal therapy thing?" That doesn't go over too well. Not in the majority of cases. And I'm a little lucky in that my wife is a medical doctor So she's well-versed in this. So she is 43 years of age, perimenopause is right around the corner. She is proactive. She's already talking to somebody about this. What do I need to do? Let's do the blood draw. She's ready to go. But that's unfortunately pretty rare these days. So I think you and my wife are the exception to the rule, unfortunately. And that's a delicate subject.

It really, like, this actually was the catalyst for the whole change of, in my relationship. I always had a very good relationship with my husband, but I did go through early menopause. Didn't know I had gone through early menopause, and I went on estrogen and testosterone. And so before, we were probably like a once-a-week couple. Now we're like 4 to 6 times a week. I mean, it's substantial. And then all of a sudden, I get this little sliver of what you guys go through. I'm like, oh my gosh. And then I literally— I'm like, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I ever said no because It is very difficult to walk in your shoes. It really is. So, so now that I have that little sliver, I was like, oh my gosh, if I ever— I told my husband, if I ever go off testosterone, I still would keep at that level because I now understand. And until you walk in your shoes, that you don't know, you don't know what you don't know. So, um, it's— it is game-changing. And if, if you can approach your wife with this idea, not for, hey, by the way, we're going to increase your sex drive so we can have more sex, but like, hey, by the way, this is going to keep your weight down, this is going to give you more energy, this is going all these side benefits, and you don't even need to mention the sex drive thing because then she's going to think, oh, this is about you, this isn't about, you know, me. Um, you know, it's going to retain your lean muscle mass, and you can— and, and this, this person's wife's on it, and this person's wife, because, you know, we all want to conform. So if you can make it more like everyone else is on this, they know something you don't, uh, definitely don't bring about it from the, from the, uh, I'm gonna get more sex angle, because that, that would be shut down.

My wife and I did a presentation at our last annual conference, and she got up there and she was talking about why is it that she's so pro-hormonal therapy, and she's so, you know, do the research and look into it, ladies. And she's very proactive about it, and she went on and on about it. And no part of her speech did she say it's because I got to keep up with this guy over here, me. No part did she say I'm doing it for him. For the— it was all about um, within her circle, which was nurses and doctors, they were all very pro-HRT. She knew this lady's on the pellets, this other lady's taking the shot, this other lady's doing the cream. Yeah, so culturally it was accepted within her social group. That was a huge component combined with, uh, she comes from Germany, and in Germany it's a little bit more— at least in her circle in Germany, um, it's more socially acceptable. Um, her mother has been on estrogen therapy for years and she's in her 70s, so it was just a a thing culturally that is acceptable. And you're right, to conform, if you wanna say that, is a big thing. Me going to her— I'm just telling you how women work, guys. Yes, and me going to her saying, "You better do this or else," doesn't carry the same weight. And that breaks a lot of guys' hearts to hear that, 'cause they wanna hear that their wife is like, "I wanna stay connected to you. I wanna be healthy as long as I can. I wanna have an energetic marriage and life, and yes, sex life with my husband." That's why I'm doing this. Rarely do we hear that. It's usually, oh, my friend Mary's on it, she said she loves it, I'll look into it. The guy's like, what the hell?

Welcome to being married to a gal. Friends on board.

Yeah, friends are on board. Get the friends on board. Tony says from Facebook says, I don't think that testosterone is available at all in the UK, only estrogen. Are you referring to for the ladies? I don't know if that's the case. I would be surprised if that's the case.

Um, all you have to do is identify, uh, have body dysmorphia and identify as a male and you'll get it for free. This is horrible. Isn't this horrible that we have to play these games? But, um, I, I know that it's, it's not like I have to pay cash. I don't have— it's just, it's crazy to me that guys can go and get supplemented, but that's— wait, we have to pay cash if we want it.

Well, you know, it's, uh, it depends on who you are. I don't know about the UK. Yeah, a lot of men that I talk to go into the doctor and say I'm interested in the testosterone thing. And a lot of— they get laughed at by their general practitioner, like, oh God, here goes another guy. You're fine, you're healthy, you're good. Don't worry so much about it, dude. Which is why we have these clinics all over the place right now. I'm in the DFW area, and I can't swing a dead cat without hitting a testosterone clinic. They are all over the place for that express reason. A lot of general practitioners and so forth laugh them out of the room or have no— I don't know what to give you. I don't— I guess I could write your script, I don't know. And I would say probably more so the ladies are laughed at. It was like, "No, we don't wanna do that." No, that happened.

My gynecologist, she, when I told her that, I was like, "Hey, I'm having trouble. Like there's a disconnect. I'm having, you know, I've noticed things are dry." Guys, I hope I'm not giving too TMI, but you know, I was like, "It's dry." And she's like, "Oh, just use lube." And I'm like, "This is not, I don't wanna use lube for the rest of my life." Like I'm mentally interested, but there was a disconnect in my body. And so that's what the estrogen does is if you have a wife that had, painful, it's likely that she needs more estrogen. And then the testosterone is going to be that hormone that helps drive the drive, so that when she does get in the mood, um, things can be pleasant and her body can actually respond. Because you're going to take it as a guy that your body— your wife's not interested. And that can be true, or it can be completely false. And it doesn't do a lot for the man's ego that your body's not responding, and you're going to take it personal and be like, What am I doing wrong? It's not a lot of times you, it's not your body. And estrogen completely just fixed that 100%.

There's a lot of misconceptions out there about libido, sex drive, specifically in women. There is kind of this ultra manly take, if you will, that I see in a lot of comments and so forth from if she's not reacting, like vaginal dryness, for example, and so forth, a lot of men will just, and it's an insecurity on the man's part. Oh, Exhibit A for she doesn't really want me. This relationship is doomed. I'm sure if this guy over here got with her, she would be ready to go. It's like, no dude, you don't understand biology, number one, the aging process, number two, perimenopause and all these things. A lot of men are completely ignorant of that and they just assume the worst. That just must mean that she doesn't really have genuine desire for me. It's like, well, in the long-term marriage game, the sex game's a little different than when you very first meet, number one, and number two, the aging process. When you're 40, 50-some years of age, it's a totally different ball game than when you're in your 20s. And a lot of people need to understand that and just be more empathetic to each other's plights. And, um, yeah, but it takes— again, you were very proactive about it. Something's up here. And you didn't just stop with the OB-GYN who said, you know, go get some KY at the store, what can I tell you? You're like, no, I'm gonna, I'm gonna explore this further. I think there's more to it than just that. That's rare. You don't hear that very often, people being very proactive about their health. So then eventually your research takes you to a private clinic. I would assume that's all out of pocket, and that's, that's why those places exist. And not only are people, their general practitioners, OB-GYNs and so forth, dismissive— they just take the lube or whatever it is— but sometimes they are dangerously ignorant. I've had guys where they will say 'Finally my family doctor prescribed me testosterone.' 'Oh cool, what are you on?' 'Once a month I go in for a shot.' I was like, 'Okay, no, you're going to have yay and then you're going to be like total crap for 3 weeks. It's not how the body works.' 'Well, this is what they—' They're a doctor, they got the stethoscope and the lab coat, you know, I gotta trust.

Don't they know?

They don't, and they can't know everything. And unfortunately sometimes they prescribe not so good stuff. They're working on the guy with the flu and the guy whose ankle hurts, and then, oh, here comes Joe wanting testosterone. So you gotta deal with that. And it's not for everybody. Some people react relatively poorly to that stuff. There's a lot of men and women that are like, I went on this and actually felt worse. And so we had to make this adjustment and that adjustment. And it took 6 weeks and finally we got something that works right, or 6 months rather. So it's not an easy thing. And we got some comments coming in here. My ex wouldn't admit to it. She left me because of it. Because we figured out that levels have been dropping for years, and instead of figuring out why, they've just lowered to, quote, normal levels. That's also why his mom, hims.com and hers.com and others like them are rocketing. Yeah, because of the desire or the need for all of these things. Also, Michael or Mitchell, we got different people here, I confuse them all as one person. So Mitchell says, your ex wouldn't admit to it, she left you because of it. Is it the low levels of hormones? Oh, referring to you, Ralph? Yeah. And then we got John saying, uh, hmm. Oh, I see. I got what John's saying here. Okay, so yeah, we have this whole thing of, uh, when you go to the doctor and you go, I don't feel quite right, maybe we should do a blood draw. And they roll their eyes and go, sure, we'll test your testosterone and everything else. They do the blood draw and then they're like, well, your numbers are 280 out of, you know, 0 to 1,000 being the normal range. You're 280. You're like, well, that sounds low. Well, according to my literature here, that's low normal. So beat it, get out of my office, you're cool. Well, the question is, 10 years ago, was that the low normal? Probably not. 20 years ago, probably not. For whatever reason, that goalpost has shifted, and we keep lowering it, lowering it. We're just basically comparing to the general population. The general population says we're anywhere from like 150 not so good, all the way up to 1,000. So 250, eh, you're fine. Probably not fine. And all it's gonna take is 2 months of being on testosterone and you'll get up to the 800s or 900s and you'll finally realize, oh, this is what I'm supposed to feel like. I got it now. So yeah.

Ralph, how do you feel? I'm interested to know, how are you feeling about a guy who's already in a, like a dead bedroom situation? And so therefore, you know, his drive's gonna be less. Of course there's other benefits, you know, muscle retention and mood and, you know, making sure to ward off depression and things that happen with you guys with low testosterone and mood and all the other benefits beyond the drive. What happens when you have a guy who's already in a dead bedroom situation and now he's going from 250, 300 to 800 and now his plight's going to even be worse? Like, is it worse to just kind of let the sleeping dog lie and not address it? What's your thought on that?

That sounds like a her problem and not a him problem. I mean, that's, that's a really shitty way of me looking at it, but, um, your, your relationship is split. You're not often with these scenarios, it's I want but she doesn't. Okay, so should you in turn then keep your levels low to accommodate her unhealthy levels of low libido, or should you go ahead and go to the gym, which naturally raises testosterone a little bit Eat better, lose body fat, testosterone goes up a little bit. And if in fact you go to the doctor and they do the blood draw and they go, "You're still pretty low. Do you want to look into this testosterone thing?" I say, "Yeah, go for it." "Yeah, but Ralph, my libido is potentially going to go through the roof and I'm still with a gal who doesn't want me." Well, again, what can I tell you, dude? You're a healthy man. She's not so healthy, either mentally, physically, or whatever. That's her problem. Not yours, dude. Yeah, but I want to work on the relationship. I want to stay together forever. I want to build the bridge between us. Well, you can't have your cake and eat it too. What do you want to do? Do you want to stay low and unhealthy just to accommodate the unhealthy relationship, or do you want to improve yourself? You know, this goes back to the whole, um, accommodating people that have these deficiencies in relationships. You're with a partner who's got, let's say, an anxiety disorder, and they can't stand you out being, you know, out of their field of vision. I need to know where my husband is all the time because I'm very anxious without him. And I was talking to a guy who turned down a job promotion because he would have had to have gone to a course which would have taken him away from his wife for just a few hours a week during the nighttime to go get certified in some kind of software thing so that he could then be promoted and get this big raise. And hey, so he goes to his wife, honey, I have to go take this certification test. And she's like, No, you're not. You can't leave me. You can't leave me here with the kids. I can't. It's not fair to me. I got 4 kids, blah, blah, blah, blah. He's like, it's only like 3 hours a week for the next 8 weeks. Nope. Can't do it. Sorry. So he had to go back to the boss and say, I, I can't do it. And, um, that's not good to, to morph your life for somebody.

That's a very female-led dynamic there. That, that never works out.

So it's kind of the same kind of thing. I'm very low libido and yet you should accommodate me and keep yours artificially low. I guess it's more naturally low to accommodate me and my low desire. No, doesn't work that way. Sorry. And maybe that's not the nicest thing in the world, but that's how I take it. Chris says that this is very informative for both husband and wife. Well, great, Chris. Thank you so much. That's Chris from YouTube. Appreciate it. Thank you so much. We've been blabbing on and on. We just went right into the hormonal thing, dead bedroom thing.

We didn't mean to diverge so much in hormones, but they are such a big, a big, huge thing. So Absolutely. And it's growing and growing. And we got on hormones.

But, you know, whatever. If you guys have any questions for us, guys from Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, if anybody has any questions at all, please feel free to chime in and ask. We have Monica here with us today. Monica, do you have your— I have your YouTube. Would you like me to share your YouTube channel address? Yes, I'd love that. I presume that's cool with you. Yeah, that'd be great.

Let me get that up. That'd be great. Yeah, I really honestly, I started the channel because when I was, I noticed such a profound impact. What happened with my marriage and the hormones are what actually prompted the whole thing was that once I started having more sex with my husband, initiating more sex with my husband, this of course like blew his mind. He was like, when is this? He didn't quite know what to think about all this. All I know is he was super happy.. And then all of a sudden, like, it spilled out and, like, he started treating me even better and he started taking me on vacations. And then it's like, and I was like, oh, if I get this good of a response from this, what else could I do? So it started this, like, really great feedback loop. And so I then started this cycle trying to, like, outdo myself as a wife. But I did this almost, like, secretively. And finally, at the end, he was like, what's going on? Because he definitely was like, This is not the wife that I know. And like I said, we always had a good marriage. But finally, after 4 months, he had to sit me down and he's like, are you cheating on me? And I was kind of confused because I'm like, wait, I'm the best wife I've ever been. So it didn't make sense to me. But I had to let the cat out of the bag. I was just trying to level up my wife game. But our marriage profoundly, through all that, profoundly got like really excellent. And so all this time I was watching these videos and reading these books. And there's a lot of information that's quite fluffy, very not task-oriented. And I'm a very like black and white girl, like, I give me the steps, like, and, and I couldn't find information that was either very specific, specific tools, tips, and tricks, and/or having to deal with the fact that today's marriages are highly different than the ones where we had 1950s with roles are very defined. And so I really just had to kind of like make my own my own, uh, way I was going to navigate my marriage and dealing with, you know, I work all the time, we have 4 kids, we have pets. I mean, life is busy. And so, um, I thought, gosh, if I had a hard time finding this information, if it wasn't out there, and I had such high success with, uh, changing things around in my marriage and making them from good to great, like, this, this is something that's highly needed. I couldn't find another female on YouTube addressing these issues from the female perspective. So I had to, I had to step in, I guess. And I, you know, I do think it's good being at my age, or, you know, mid-40s, and having some life perspective, having been through a divorce, having gone through all the things, having kids. And, you know, basically I think I can really identify and connect with a great multitude of people. And I did find great people like you, Ralph, and other guys who are really trying to lead men very effectively into becoming better men, which then translates into becoming a better husband, better father. I found a great plethora of men who are doing a good job with that. Couldn't find a whole, like, one or two females. And so it's definitely information that is lacking. And if you can get a female out there and wanting to be proactive, and I, I think having that voice out into society We're just culturally, we want to do what other people are doing. We want that acceptance. We want to do the whole group thing. So the more voices that we hear saying, this is the way, females, I think the better. And that's what I'm really trying to hope I can do with my channel, to be that voice. But ironically, and probably I should have maybe anticipated it with talking about, hey women, you need to have more sex with your husbands, that the guys would be the ones who were starting to follow. So, you know, that now, now I'm like, okay, I guess I'm just gonna have to speak to guys and how to help their wives out a little bit. But yeah, but a lot of it unfortunately is guys because women generally are not very accountable.

You're, I mean, you're up against a lot of societal, uh, what's the word I'm looking for, walls in the way, obstacles in the way of this. What you've kind of identified is I don't want to put words in your mouth, kind of the importance of a— oh, a polarity in the relationship, the male-female, the— we need to recognize that there are certain things as a woman that makes me a better mate, and men, there are things you need to recognize that makes you a better mate. Well, to a lot of people watching this, probably it's like, well, duh, but that flies in the face of a lot of very egalitarian-focused messaging that's out there. Men and women, there's no difference between you. Now, men do this, women do this. You do the same thing. You're a team. You work together. So anything that flies in the face of that or is counter to that is looked at by a lot of people, much more progressive types, is kind of like, I don't, I don't like this. This sounds like 1950s Stepford Wife nonsense. Go back in the kitchen type of stuff. But no, you're a professional woman. You're a go-getter. You're a self-made gal. And you're telling people, no, there's certain things. If you want to look at this very analytically, ones and zeros, there's certain things you got to do to keep you guys closer together. And some of that may mean kind of setting your ego aside a little bit and saying, um, I need to tweak this a little bit. I need to tweak that a little bit. Maybe I need to go to the doctor and work on some things. Maybe the sex thing is important after all. Maybe even though I don't quite feel like it 100%, man or woman. Maybe I need to make an effort to do those things and find a way to do those things and find a way to get to the point where I do want to do those things more so. I don't— for whatever reason, that has been kind of labeled as very antiquated, Neanderthal kind of thinking, unfortunately, for a lot of people. A lot of people hearing that, a lot of women hearing that, unfortunately, just go, oh God, what is this nonsense? Jesus, what are we doing here? So I can see why you have more men coming to your stuff saying, yeah, I like this, as opposed to the women, unfortunately. Yeah.

Well, the guys can't— of course the guys can say it for themselves because they've been— but then it's not gonna— it's just gonna go in one ear and out the other because, um, they're like, of course you're a dude, you're gonna— but, but having a female going, no, um, your man needs this, you need to step up, you better have some sex with your husband because if you don't, somebody else will. You better stroke his ego because guess what? Susie Q at the office, she's going to be there. And I just read on Facebook yesterday, it was a post and somebody is like, oh, guy has to stroke his ego. I'm like, girl, you don't even— no wonder. I don't know. I bet you're single because these things— I'm like, yes, your man needs to feel like the man. If you don't get that, somebody else is. And this is why sometimes when men end up stepping out, and he'll hook up with a woman and get together with a woman who's not as pretty as his wife. It's kind of perplexing to the female because she's masked. She understands how men work. She understands the importance of stroking his ego, be complimentary, be soft, be kind. I'm a very masculine woman as far as how I speak. I'm very blunt. I'm to the point. I don't like to deliver it all soft and kind. And those are those small little tweaks I really had to work on. So, I mean, obviously I have the hair, the lashes, the makeup. Exterior, I'm all female. But on the inside, I'm like, oh, I have to soften things about a little bit there so that they can be received better. And these aren't hard things, but you have to know this about yourself. You have to understand, like, I have work to do too. My shit stinks too. And this is— you're right, Ralph Brewer. This is where, like, we have a society who's telling men and telling women, no, the man's the problem, you're the problem, you have to just always put her on the pedestal. And men just have to finally— it's up to you guys, essentially. You have to be like, enough, enough, this is how my house is going to be run, this is how I'm going to be treated. Woman, you know, it might sound a little, you know, Neanderthal, but woman, this is how we're doing things. And she— all women will fall underneath the leadership of the right guy. So the, the The problem is, and the thing you have to ask yourself is, what do I have to do? What kind of guy do I have to be so that a woman has to fall underneath my leadership? That's really the key question. All women will follow underneath the right guy, period. I don't care how boss babe you are.

But then we have, you know, societal messages of egalitarianism and guys, you need to soften it a little bit, you need to come down more to the feminine level of things and so forth. And we have a lot of guys that have been that's been pushed on them their entire life. And then they look at my material or so forth, or read my book or whatever it is, and it's kind of telling them in a roundabout way, in some ways, you need to man up here, dude. And you need to stop with the pouting, you need to stop with this and that, you need to take more of a leadership role. And they're just like, this feels not right. Because my entire life I've been this more softer, more feminine role, because everyone has told me I need to focus on that way more than the other stuff. And that hasn't gotten me anywhere. And now everybody's telling me kind of man up, in a lot of ways, and I don't like it. And some men react angrily to that. Um, this— they almost feel like it's almost a conspiratorial thing. Society as a whole has told me all of this for all along, and it's gotten me nowhere. And it sounds like something right out of a TV movie or something, that throughout their whole life they see the jerk getting the girl. They see the— well, so that means what, I got to be an asshole? No, it just What is it about the jerk that is attractive? You got to look at it that way and take some nuggets of wisdom from the jerk. You don't have to take the whole thing, you know, but there are little pieces of wisdom in there, such as being confident, such as saying what's on your mind and not being so anxious. Low anxiety levels have a lot to do with it. We have a lot of guys that are very, very anxious, and they take that to the relationship, and they're like, oh, that's not very attractive. Who would have thought? Well, It's, um, and you said at the top of this when we very first started, um, women tend to experience the negative emotion. From a psych perspective, we call that, uh, neuroticism. It's a personality trait. Um, men and women are more alike than we are different as far as personality traits are concerned. But on the very tail end of who is the most neurotic, it's Like 99% is women who are the most, um, oh, men have their own, you know, we are more than this than that. But as far as the neuroticism is concerned, and neuroticism can be, uh, defined as a propensity for negative thought. So yes, if you're more neurotic, you're, you have more, you're more apt to be anxious, depressed, and all these other negative thought pattern type of things. Women tend to win that trophy when it comes to that. And that makes relationship maybe a little bit harder for them. And yes, it takes somebody who is the yin to their yang. The less negative, the more, "No, no, dear, we're going to do this. No, no, it's okay. Come here. You know, I'll hold you, comfort you in your time of stress when the world is shaky under your feet. I got it. I'm your dude. I'm your rock." And again, antithetical to what a lot of guys have heard their whole life, which is you need to come down to their more neurotic, anxious level. Sympathize with them. Come down to their anxious level and join them in the world of the anxiety and the stress and everything else. It doesn't work. That polarization is an important thing, and that's what you discovered. Like, oh, I need to kind of soften my approach a little bit here. I need to bump this up and lower this down a little bit. I'll be damned, things are working better. And again, that is labeled by a lot of people as very, archaic in the thought process. And but I think what a lot of people do is the, the slippery slope argument of, yeah, but once you start doing that shit, next thing you know, women— emancipation is gone. Next thing you know, women are back in the kitchen. Next thing you know, women are like— no, no, there's a healthy middle ground here somewhere. That doesn't mean we're going right back to the 1950s, right? I make sure we're not missing comments here. Uh, Adnor from YouTube asks, does Monica have a certain video that would explain hormone therapy that would be recommended for us to pass on to a wife who is willing, but she's cautious?

I have not made one specifically, uh, about that, but my very, very first episode was my backstory, which encompassed the whole story that I just told all you guys. So you can guide her there. And actually, my videos 1 through 16 are actually— I was going to do it as a course and decided it was too important, specifically geared towards females. So if you can get her to watch videos 1 through 16, that should profoundly change your wife. The key is getting her to watch them.

Excellent. Yeah, yeah, that's the key. Because coming from you, dude, wife, will you sit down and watch this video on hormone replacement therapy? It's not going to have nearly the, the the oomph that her friend Mary says, you should watch this video from this person. This really makes a lot of sense. I'm on hormonal therapy and I just started and it's amazing. That carries a lot more weight than hubby saying, you want to watch this? A lot more weight, unfortunately.

Yeah, guys, just don't— if you're, if you're going to a woman showing them a video to like back your statement, it's, it's not— get it, man. You can get it from her friend to show her. This is the key. If you have a female friend who could be like, hey, this is what I'm— I'm going to look into this and this, and you should do this too. It's going to just— for some reason it's crappy, but that's just how us ladies work. It's— we're not going to listen to you. We're going to listen to our friends and try to conform to society.

And yeah, my wife and I did— I posted a clip, but not on YouTube, I don't believe. Facebook, you'll find it on our Facebook account on Dad Starting Over. Clip of the presentation my wife and I did about, in part, the hormonal thing and what, what works for us and so forth. And, uh, I found that women responded very positively to that because 90% of it was my wife doing the talking and me just chiming in every now and then. So that, that was huge. So check that out at the Dad Starting Over page on Facebook. Um, can I just add one more thing, Ralph?

Yes, please. I don't want to interrupt you. I'm so sorry. The— I want guys to know that I view hormones and the testosterone as a wingman. So, so while it may help and make things easier on your end, it does not negate the need for you to do everything that Ralph Brewer has mentioned, the manning up and, you know, leading the home and everything that you need to do. It's just going to help it along. So don't be 100% dependent on that. I mean, like, oh, this is— she's the problem here. That's part of the problem. But that desire, you still got to do the work. You bring up a—

you bring up a great point. Men are so sex-focused, let's be honest. And I have guys that I talk to that have been in long-term dead bedroom relationships, and they will say, if we would just have sex more often instead of once a quarter, if we did it like once a week, I would be over the moon and I would shut up. You'd never hear me complain again. I said, No, probably not. The dead bedroom relationship is typically, the phrase I use is the canary in the coal mine. It's an indicator of a lot of other shit going on in the relationship. And so Adnore and others, if my wife would just take hormonal therapy, everything would be fine. Probably not. It would probably improve some things. Health markers would improve. You'd probably notice maybe her mood improves and so forth. But it could very well be if there's no increase in activity between the two of you. It could be that you two are so widely apart for insert multitude of reasons that that's not going to do it. And often when I talk to these guys and you're— sometimes it's after talking to them for weeks, they'll still be like, I think if I got her on testosterone and estrogen, everything would be fine. It's like, dude, you just got done telling me that your wife had 3 affairs, that you haven't touched each other in 10 years. This is— he's just grasping at straws and he's trying to be desperate and he's thinking with his little head, not his big one. That's not— So Adnor, you know, I've seen your name come up quite a bit. I believe Adnor, correct me if I'm wrong, I get all the names confused. I believe you're a member of our group under a different name in our private group. Um, have, you know, be honest with yourself and your wife. Is this something that you feel everything else is great except for? Is she, has she vocalized like, you know, mentally I'm there, I recognize what husband, I love you and everything else, but I physically have these problems? Or is she saying like, I went to the doctor and they did a blood draw and everything is low, I'm just not sure what to do about it? Then maybe you have something to work with there. But be honest, for most of you guys watching this, it's a small piece of a much bigger puzzle. Um, sexuality, libido, sex drive— pretty complicated stuff. It's not just a hormonal thing. Um, you know, One example that I often give, you'll have guys that are on the testosterone, their levels are like 1,000 or whatever, but something really traumatic happens in their life. Maybe a spouse dies or child dies, God forbid, or they lose their job or something really awful like that. And they will say, I have no desire whatsoever for anything sexual. It's not even, it's gone. And it has been for weeks and I'm kind of scared. I'm kind of concerned. 'this isn't me.' It's like, well, dude, you've gone through a trauma, you know. It's your body saying, 'Cool it, dude. Just take care of yourself for a bit. Forget about that for a while.' It's kind of interesting how the human body reacts. It's not just shoot liquid in, in your butt and everything will be fine. There's, there's a lot other pieces to the puzzle there. Um, human beings are a complicated creature, in other words. Um, and then Leo says from Facebook, 'I asked my other' I think you mean your significant other. At one point, if she was starting to feel symptoms of menopause, and she said she was glad I was diagnosing her, so it's not worth bringing up to the wrong type of person. Well, Leo, I mean, you got a little bit of drama back from her. You, you, uh, talked about this early on, um, you got a little bit of drama back from her and you were just like, ah, screw this, I'll never bring it up again. You're going to have to be able to deal with that drama coming back to you, that little bit of anxiety. If she snaps back at you, you know, go back to her and go, no, I'm not, I'm not, you know, labeling you with anything or diagnosing with anything. I just saw this podcast on this, or I read this book on this, or whatever it may be. I was just curious. You are of that age. How you doing? You know, how's it going there? But again, they misinterpret that and you're attacking them and you're only thinking about sex and you're calling her a crazy old lady, whatever it may be.

So But, you know, I'd like to offer a little insight on that. So I would ask— I don't have the names of the chat in front of me, so whoever wrote that comment, probably a more effective way of approaching that would have been something— you're noticing something. So one of my favorite terms I'd like to use is, I've noticed that. And you might— I've noticed that you seem to be more stressful lately. Stress lately. I've noticed that when I do this, you respond differently than in the past. So I've noticed that. And then you can say, and I thought maybe because I've seen videos that this could be a problem. Have you noticed anything like this? It's just more of an opener to a discussion where I can see with, you know, how a woman, if a man came up to me and said, you know, are you going through menopause? You're noticing any symptoms? I'd be like, why? What you, what, what? It just, it's a It's not as a female-friendly opening. So you try that term. I noticed that.

And I'm worried about you. You doing okay? Anything I can do to help out?

Yeah, like, are you okay? What can I do to help? Yeah. Not all of a sudden, because it does make her feel like there's a problem and you're it, saying it like that.

But again, boy, there's the perfect illustration of the difference between the men and women when it comes to this kind of stuff. Men are blunt. Men are like, I don't like this. You've been a real you know what lately. You've been jumping, you know, down my throat over every little thing. You need to cut it out. And women are like, not a good way to approach this. Makes me feel worse. I feel bad. I feel sick. Oh God.

I actually had this conversation with my husband because he— I noticed that he's been more grumpy. And I was thinking, well, maybe his testosterone is low. And he would come home from work, he'd be more interested. And I had to— I literally sat him down on the couch. I'm like, Hey, I noticed that you've been coming home, you've been more grumpy, more irritable, more short with us and the kids lately. I've noticed these things. I'm thinking this could be a possible reason why. What do you think? And he still hasn't gotten his testosterone checked. But then again, but then again, he hasn't. But at least it made him aware of his behavior that I've noticed it, but I'm not saying, you know what, you've been really shitty lately to me and the kids. Whole different approach right there. Um, it let him know that, you know, is there a problem? At least on our end, it sure feels that way. Here's a possible reason. I'm not saying just because you're a crappy dude. Um, but we, we have to have these conversations too on our end, for sure.

Yeah, often with men when it comes to the crabbiness and lack of patience and so forth, it's usually a the male indicator of anxiety over something, probably work-related or something like that often. Like, what's going on with you at work? And what's the news? Or all the way down to, yeah, you're just becoming a grumpy old man. And why do grumpy old men become grumpy old men? The body's just like, shut her down. And it doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel right. Everything hurts and your testosterone's low and your everything. Yeah, so who knows? It could be, yeah, he's turning the corner on the old age thing, or it's just a lot of other stuff going on. Hard to say, but you won't know until you go, whoa, What's up with you? You doing all right? And for a lot of men, especially men that are averse to the anxiety and the drama and everything else, they don't want to go there because they know the wife will rip their head off and it's just better to shut up and put up with it than to run to their porn or whatever it is instead of actually dealing with the issue. And that's unfortunate because it doesn't get you much anywhere. Jeremy from Facebook says, no testosterone here, parentheses, a malfunctioning pituitary. Well, I'm sorry to hear that. He says, trust me, nobody wants that. Testosterone shots are a game changer. Wife helped me get diagnosed, but then she lost interest and had affairs. Well, that's not good, Jeremy. I'm sorry to hear that. Sucks. Let's see. Do, do, do. Anything else? Anybody? Anybody have any questions for myself and Monica? I'm going to wrap her up here soon. It's almost been an hour already. This goes by fast. But once again, check out, I put the link in the comments. To Monica's YouTube channel. I will put it once again to make sure everybody got that. Boom.

And marriage— maybe if anybody has any specific questions regarding their wives that you've always wanted to ask her but are too afraid.

Yeah, so that's always an interesting angle, and that's why I think a lot of female content creators are so popular with men is because we want to hear it right out of the horse's mouth, so to speak. We want to see what's going on. Give it to me straight. Let me hear it. And if, uh, if what you're saying is— comes from a decidedly not anti-male point of view, then men love it. Like, oh, thank goodness I don't, I don't have to watch something that tells me I'm an inherently bad thing just for being a man. In fact, somebody can empathize with my plight as a man, and it's a woman, oh, even better. So you put— you have the potential of growing into a very big thing. You say the name of the channel, Marriage Money Mindset. What is the connection there between the marriage and money thing? Well, it's all connected.

It is all connected. I just— I'm very business-oriented. Money— I think people in marriage get money all wrong. Wrong. So I'm thinking about changing it because the money part, I did two whole episodes about the money and how money should be handled in marriage. That one didn't do quite as well, but it's just I'm very business geared and your home is just like a small business. So if you don't operate it like that, if you don't have defined roles, if you don't know who's the CEO and who's the CFO, things of that nature. But that in the mindset, it's just everything is so linked together. But I'm anticipating potentially, because it is specifically focusing around marriage and relationships, changing it because money has been such a small, small portion of the channel so far.

Yeah. Well, sex sells. The old SEX.

If you mention that, you're going to get views. Well, it's a problem, obviously. And my goal is to help save marriages and make existing marriages, great. So I think it's good for society and it can— we can do something with it.

I would— I wouldn't have had any level of success, that's a subjective term, if it wasn't for that one book I wrote called The Dead Bedroom Fix. If it wasn't for that, no one would know me. No one— I wouldn't have 6-figure followers or whatever. So it's a huge subject. And it was, you know, I wrote on all kinds of stuff and it got nothing. And then I write on sex and marriage and boom, just took off. Like, well, of all things. But yeah, apparently it's a huge, huge ordeal and it's becoming— it's disproportionately still— ask any therapist, psychologist and so forth— when they have these dead bedroom situations, it's usually the man complaining of the lack of activity. But we're seeing that slowly even out where it's more and more of the women saying, I'm very unhappy with what's going on here. That's not— it's surprising.

I can't— knowing what I know about testosterone is very— it's surprising that any man would be a low libido. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around it. So that's always tough. But we do— I mean, it is a very deep subject and the whole depression meds and how many people are on that and how that affects it. It is a big puzzle and complicated pieces like you had said. And when it comes to the men, and I guess that's the direction we're going. Yeah, because I'll be out there singing like, you women need to have sex with your husbands. And, and in fact, in fact, I am— my next— one of my next videos is going to be making the case for duty sex. I know you guys don't like duty sex, but I think you need to think about things differently. So that, that is an upcoming video I'm gonna do. It's trying to— are you guys understand and appreciate duty sex?

Are you aware of Dr. Psych Mom, who I've collaborated with quite a bit? She No, no.

Do I need to connect?

You would like, you would like her stuff. Same thing. She talks about the duty sex and scheduling it and women, you need to do this. I know you don't feel like it 100%, but it's, it's important to stay connected and so forth. But yeah, that rubs a lot of women the wrong way.

And not only, but the guys need to get over like, oh, I don't want duty sex. You gotta get over that.

You need to, you know, it's at the same time, if you're not gonna be as into it as you most of the time. Yeah, but I often tell men, if you're in a— don't hesitate to, if you're in the middle of a session, so to speak, and you see the gal doing the staring into space, I mean, you know, one of those, and just— and you're just— you have every right as a man to say, are you okay? You know, we need to talk about that. We don't have to do this right at this moment if you're not feeling it, you know. And then oftentimes a woman will come back with, well, if you're waiting until I feel like it, you don't hold your breath, mister. It's like, oh, ouch, I didn't want to hear that. I'm just— I was hoping I'd get better than this, you know.

So if you're gonna go for it, you don't want to— when I say duty sex, I mean just knowing that like, okay, I am doing this not because I'm in the mood at all, but I'm not going to sit there and put it in your face and yawn. Like, that's just rude. That's just— that just speaks to very passive-aggressive. Yeah, yeah, it is. It's very passive-aggressive. So yeah, exactly. And yet what you just said there, I would do the same thing. But like, if she's gonna say yes, like, even if she's not in the mood, because she knows it's important, it takes like 5, 10 minutes. I call it the mac and cheese of sex. The mac and cheese. You know, you gotta fill that need, but it's not gonna be a steak dinner. It's gonna be mac and cheese tonight. Yeah.

Well, a lot of women need to understand the way their libido works, especially after being in a marriage for so many years and knowing the same guy for so many years. You're not gonna have those, most of the time, an overwhelming lustful feeling of, I need this guy, I'm gonna rip his pants off. Right. For most women, it's what we call responsive desire, which is once I get into the act, oh, I enjoy this. This is, this is why we do this. Okay, cool. Um, and that kind of baffles a lot of men. Like, you have to get started to feel it? Like, I'm ready to jump your bones right now. I just see you, woman, walking across the room and I'm like, let's do this. And it's like, no, most women are not wired that way. And this doesn't mean that they secretly want this guy over here instead of you. It doesn't mean that she's cheating on you or whatever. This is Hey, it's human nature. We need to understand that. And I think that's to your point. That's what you're getting at is women. Sometimes when you get going and get into it, you realize, ah, but if you don't get started to get into it, you're never going to reach that. And you're just going to further the disconnect between the, between the two of you. Um, right. Jeremy says some of us would be extra happy with duty sex compared to the alternative. Sure. Yeah.

But when you like, when I'm reading and having these comments, which are quite very frankly sad, about, oh, I don't— if she just wants to give it to me just, you know, because I'm into it, she's not into it. I'm like, you need to get over yourself. Like, that's like when a woman getting upset because her husband doesn't want to do dishes. Nobody wants to do dishes, but you're doing it because you're, you know, it needs to be done. It's important for the household. But that's like a woman saying, well, I want him to want to do this.

There you go.

No man's ever going to want to do dishes. So it's just kind of the same thing, you know, just accept the duty sex. But if she's being passive-aggressive about it, then no, then that's not okay.

The old phrase is, it doesn't count. Well, why doesn't it count? Whatever it is, because I want you to want to do it, not just do it because—

right, yeah, no, don't do it.

I don't want to do whatever it is that we're talking about, sex, chores, whatever it may be. Don't, don't do that. That's very unhealthy place to go down, and you'll never ever come back from that. We could say that about anything. You know, yes, husband, do you want to go with me? You kind of want to often use such a stereotype, but it's true. Husband, we should go to brunch together, and then after that we should go look at antiques together, and we should go shopping. And the husband's like, sure, I guess. And then he goes with her, and he's kind of, you know, doing— she's looking at dresses or whatever, he's kind of doing the staring into space or looking at his phone, and she gets really pissed at him. It's like, why are you so pissed? Could you at least pretend to like going dress shopping with me? Jesus, you know, it's like, well, I don't, you know, I'm doing this because I love you. I want to be here with you. I don't enjoy any of this, but I see you get a lot out of it, wife, so that's why I do that. And then, uh, big fight breaks out. Yeah, it's kind of the same thing we're talking about here. This is, uh, yeah, nothing new. Um, Tony from Facebook brings up a good point. It's interesting. Uh, he says if it were around the other way, as a man, you you'd 100% do your duty even if you didn't feel like it. It's an interesting dynamic. In fact, something we don't talk about enough of, it's a cultural thing in a lot of men's circles that if for whatever reason you're not feeling like doing the deed, you're sick, bad day at work, whatever, you're just not really feeling it, wife not all that attractive to you in the moment, but wife is jumping your bones for whatever reason, it is understood In a lot of men's circles, you just shut up and do it. Because if you don't, you're really gonna piss her off. She's gonna feel very unloved and very undesirable, and it'll be a major fracture in your relationship. So you better shut up and do it, dude. That's kind of an understood thing in the man's circle. And I don't think a lot of women really appreciate that. It's not often that we're presented with that. Maybe that's a big part of why that's a thing.

I think it's actually good for your relationship for you to say no. For men to say no sometimes. I agree. And that might be— that might— I, I guess I could say that as somebody who, who has an active sex life, but because it does kind of put that boundary of like, you know, sometimes I'm gonna say no too. And, and I think it's healthy. Uh, women, we just kind of take for granted that he's gonna be interested all the time, and it kind of puts us a little bit of a check of, oh, He's not available all the time too. Well then, and of course our imagination starts going, well, why isn't he interested? Is he interested in somebody? Like, I think that's healthy. Use your imagination to your benefit. And sometimes saying no helps that area a little bit.

And I said that exact thing in my book, The Dead Bedroom Fix. Check it out. Third edition just came out last month. July, are we? Yeah, still in August. But anywho. That is something that is looked at as kind of a manipulation tactic by a lot of people. To say no in order to generate— basically what we're talking about is healthy anxiety. But another way of looking at it is having good boundaries and saying no every now and then is a mentally healthy thing. Both men and women should every now and then just say, "No, I don't want to do that," whatever that is. Or, "No, I don't agree with you." Mentally healthy people tend to be more attractive. And a part of that attraction is, yes, that we see it more so in the new relationship phase of the relationship, the honeymoon phase. We're more apt to have that little bit of anxiety twinge in our head about the uncertainty of the relationship. The more we wipe away uncertainty and the more it's just, yes, dear, whatever you say, dear, and it's certain and every day is predictable and everything, the more the lustfulness decreases in the relationship. So you naturally want to bring that back. It's not a manipulation tactic. It's not a, uh, what do you call it? The, uh, where the— oh shoot, I'm missing the words. We— the tactics guys use— oh, pickup artistry. The pickup artists do certain things to pick up women. They say certain things at certain times in order to get the woman to give them their phone number so they get in her pants. Yes, it's manipulative. It's a little creepy, but there's something to be learned from that world, which is Say this, don't say that, introduce a little bit of that anxiety. It's not a bad thing. That's called the initial stages of attraction. That's how it works for men and women both. What's he or she doing now? I saw them looking over there. Does that mean they know that person? Do they like that girl or not? Are we a thing or not? This is when you're the most lustful.

I have no idea, our imaginations, they're crazy. We don't appreciate it. They're crazy. So, and honestly, I don't care if people view it as manipulation. I view it as does it work or does it not work? And the one of the worst things you could do as a guy is to be boring, um, because women need drama. They need some kind of drama. So if they're watching it on TV or some drama, they— that's why we always want to know what's going on. And we got something like, oh, what's going on with Tina over there? Because we have— we need that. We need that in our life. So It is kind of like creating a healthy drama in her mind that she has really— there's no risk there, but we're going to create a drama or experience it or get it into our lives somehow. So for me, I'm just like, this is going to work for your benefit. I'm always about, is it help your relationship or does it not help your relationship? You guys kind of have to get over trying to always do the logical thing. Because we're not logical people. We're just not. And I know that's hard to do because men are just built that way. You got it.

You got it. And then I got some other comments here, guys. When you leave comments, if you could kind of maybe preface it with what you're responding to, because sometimes these comments just look totally out of place and I'm not sure what it is you're responding to. But regardless, it's been about an hour. So Monica, I'm going to wrap her up here. Anything else to promote before we hang her up? We got the YouTube channel, which I've put on there.

Uh, anything else? Not at this time. I'm, I'm like with you. I have very much— I want to create the courses and stuff, but I'm really wanting to see where the need is at versus, versus what I wanted to do, um, as far as the first 16 videos being for female. Um, but basically, basically, no, just follow the YouTube and you're going to be good to go. Uh, and I'll keep everyone up to date on things as they come about from there.

Very good. And I will put a link here to our group. Pardon me as I type here.

Although, Ralph, can I put in when you guys have your next men's meeting for your group? I would love to come out and do a female perspective day. Okay, cool.

Yeah, we do have it out there. Absolutely. Help from an excellent segue because I put the link to the group on there to join the group. It's our private group for men only. At helpformen.com. You go to helpformen.com/join and join the group. Costs pennies a day to join. Yes, there is a fee to join, but you get all those benefits that I talked about, all the hours of audio, the books, the discussion forums, the Zoom meetings. Zoom meeting, yes, we would love to have you as a guest in one of our Zoom meetings. And, uh, it's again, that is just for our members. So if you guys would like to interact one-on-one with Monica via video, audio, as well as myself, the other guys on the team, 700+ other members from around the world, check it out, helpformen.com. And the HFM Brotherhood is the name of our private group on there. So Miss Monica, thank you so very much. Appreciate you. You're welcome. Everything you do. Best of luck to you in your endeavors and keep it up. Don't stop with the YouTube thing. I, you know, I've been at this for so long and you just plug away and you just create a piece of content. You're like, huh? You show the world and they yawn and you're like, what the hell? And then you just put out something that took you, then you put out something that took all of 2 minutes to put together and all of a sudden it blows up and you got millions of views. You're like, 'This doesn't make any sense.' Just keep plugging, man. I'm putting out like tons of content every day, and you're— you and I are battling, battling in competition with thousands if not millions of other creators putting out kind of similar stuff. And what I found is that a lot of them start strong, and then they're like, 'Ah, shit, this takes a lot of effort,' and then they just slowly dissipate, and they disappear completely. And I've seen bunches of them come and go. You got to keep hammering at it. So There's my pep talk for you. Keep it up. You got a good thing going.

It is a lot of work, but everything is when you first start.

Yes, yes, it is. All right, guys, thank you all so very much for joining. HelpForMen.com and check out Monica's YouTube channel. All right, once again, Monica, thank you so very much. Have a good rest of your day. Thank you.

Thanks, Ralph. Bye.