Ralph Brewer argues that long-term monogamy requires emotional skills most people don't have, and that single men face unfair judgment from employers and society. A sex-addiction counselor describes requiring clients to spend 12 months alone before dating, to build self-knowledge and stop seeking validation through relationships.
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And boy, you made a good point here a few minutes ago with, I'm not quite sure if everyone should be— and let's qualify it further— in a committed long-term relationship with one human being. That takes a certain kind of skills, know-how, tools in your toolbox that not all of us have. And I have even gone as far as to say I think the minority of human beings have that. So, you know, it could be argued that in today's day and age, the atmosphere for relationships and so forth make that even more difficult than it was, let's say, 50 years ago. So you need an even stronger set of tools in your mental emotional toolbox. And oh boy, a lot of us just don't have that. But we're butting heads with a societal narrative, if you will, of if you don't engage in a long-term monogamous relationship or marriage, something's really wrong with you, dude. And I was saying, not too long ago, I was in a meeting with one of my clients, This is years ago. I used to do marketing work for people and I would sit with CEOs and their VPs and so forth. So it was interesting to see at that level these guys talking about business stuff. And one time what really perked my ears— oh, this was shortly after my divorce— somebody said, I'm thinking about making this guy like a managerial type level. And he's like, oh yeah, he's a good dude. He'd be perfect for the job. They go, yeah, but no wife. And the other guy goes, ooh. Stereotyping, you know, because he was, he was early 30s maybe, and they were like, uh, and they knew I had been divorced. And I was sitting there like joking, like, hey, and they're like, well, Ralph, you got to be honest, you know, it does signal like there's potential problems there. And I'm like, no, not really, just because the guy is not hitched to somebody. So in their mind, single man, 30-something, that shows maybe, I don't know, some level of, um Instability, immaturity. That's probably where they were going with that. There's something— maybe he's a party boy, maybe he's going to be running around screwing a bunch of women, we can't really trust him. So there's even at that level, from men sitting together at a little table talking, they just threw an entire category of men under the bus as being unstable, untrustworthy. And so it doesn't even—
it's not even true. No, you know what, one of the things, um I can, in my sex addiction work, you know, if a guy's single and he's working on a sex addiction, part of the process or part of the boundary I want them to have is no relationship for 12 months, right? And the reason why is, like I was alluding to earlier, is you have to get to know yourself. You have to find love. You have to heal. You have right? When we have a partner, you know, we— our, our energy split, right? And so, so I think that's super important is to, to find yourself, to love yourself. You know, I know plenty of people in their 30s and 40s that aren't married yet, and they're super happy and they have fulfilling lives. And for some of them, it's a choice. For others, it's divorce. For others, it's like not interested in marriage, right? And to me, that's a stronger individual than one that thinks they have to get married or they have to be in a relationship to be fulfilled. Because look, outside validation is great, but I can tell you, after you've been betrayed, outside validation does nothing. You got to find it within yourself. You have to find that self-worth. You have to rebuild and transform yourself into something new.
You know? Yeah. It's, it's sad that, uh, when I talk to so many men who in an indirect way really sell me on the fact that they're not really wired for marriage, And, you know, by virtue of the fact that maybe he's cheated a bunch or something like that, we'll say, well, Bob, what is it that made you want to get married, you know, 20 years ago to Mary? What's up with that? And he said, well, I don't know, it's just what you do. That's it. That's, that's in essence the answer I get from most men. It's just what you do. A lot of men that got married really young, what made you want to get married at age 21? It's just what you do. And in my culture, in my world, everyone gets married as soon as they exit high school or college.
That's called, that's cultural. Yeah, right. Or religious aspects too, where they get married quick, have kids quick, you know. And what do they say, like, the male brain, what is it, not till we're 24 is it fully developed, right? And, you know, I have, I, I have a lot of men in their early 30s, right, and they got that, we'll call it for lack of a better term, that 7-year itch. And they'll tell me, like, I don't even know who I am, and I'm Like, I'm not who got married and I don't know what I want in my life. You know, there's a lot of that too. So, yeah.
