Man Discovers Wife’s Affair Years Later — What Now?

Infidelity, as I often say, is a really insidious thing for reasons that you may not think of right away. Infidelity makes you call into question 3 main things. One is the present status of your relationship. What does this mean for us? Are we still a couple? Are you still in love with me? Do I still love you? And then it calls into question your future. What does this mean for us? For our kids? For our family? What will people think of me? Will people think I'm less of a man because my spouse cheated on me? What does life look like for me going forward? Does this mean that we get divorced? Do I want to divorce? And then the worst part of all that nobody thinks about is it calls into question your past. That's right, the past. The thing that is etched in stone. You know what happened yesterday. You know what happened last month and last year. You were there. You remember, right? Well, with something like infidelity, suddenly you call into question everything. Oh yeah, that explains that one weird moment, which I thought this was going on, but actually, oh my gosh, that other thing was going on. Oof. Oh man, that's why my friend was acting weird towards me that day. They knew. For some folks, you go down such a deep rabbit hole of rediscovering what actually happened in the past, unbeknownst to you, that for some people it causes you to kind of question your sanity. It's a real mind-eff for many of us. And for some of us, like this poor guy who reached out to me here recently, it is potentially a dramatic setback in your overall life path, and you do not know what to do. Like this poor gentleman that reached out for help, and he says, I just found out after 15 years of marriage that my wife had cheated on me. I had the suspicion back when it happened, but I didn't have the proof. I did not want to look like crazy, controlling, jealous guy, he says, so I let it go. Let's come back to that one later. Years later, her best friend Mary and her significant other John told me that I was right about my suspicion. At that point though, I was already 6 years into marriage. I initially didn't want to know, but I asked how they knew. They were in the same room on the same couch. Mary and John were having intercourse while my wife Sally and her lover boy, the guy she was cheating with, we'll call him Joe, uh, they were having intercourse on the other end of the couch. I refused to believe it because I didn't think that was something people could do. Now in the present day, I run into Joe while heading out for work. So to recap, Joe was wife's former lover. He came up to me and told me how he had gave his life to God and that the pastor challenged him to right his wrongs. And he told me that it wasn't just one time that Sally cheated on me. Oh no. It was three times. One was protected and the other two times unprotected with the goal of getting pregnant. Wow. I have four children with her and I am spiraling, he says. How? Would you approach this situation? First of all, dude, I am so, so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine the pain that you are feeling. I, you know, went through my own version of this, which was a very minor league version of what you're experiencing here. Let's, you know, recap. You had a feeling some years ago, earlier in the relationship, that something was a little wrong with your wife and you didn't act on it. Now, I'm not going to kick a man while he's down here, but this is something we need to explore. If you don't get to the bottom of this aspect of your personality, you're going to do this again. Yes, I mean with different people, but I'm getting ahead of myself. So, you had these feelings, you suspected something's up with her, but you stopped yourself from pursuing and questioning wife and saying, "What's going on with you?" Or, "I see this thing," or, "I hear this thing and it's causing me to think, you know, is there somebody else in the picture here that I need to know about?" You didn't want to do that because you didn't want to come across as, in your words, the crazy, controlling, jealous guy. Somewhere along the line, you were told not to trust your own feelings or that you should feel shame for having certain feelings. You don't want to be seen as a bad guy, even though your gut, as we call it, was screaming at you and telling you, "Something's up here, dude." As I mentioned to a lot of guys, and something that I wrote in my book that I wrote for young men called "Real Talk: No Bullshit Life Advice for Young Men," I told young men that that gut instinct you have, like, "Whoa, something's up here," it's like an animalistic warning system that we all have deep within us. After all, we are mammals, animals in the animal kingdom. Just because we seem to be the most intelligent animals in the animal kingdom doesn't mean we have lost all of our little animal instincts, including the little alarm system we have somewhere deep buried in our brain, or gut if you will, that tells us something's wrong here, dude. You are in danger. And unfortunately, a lot of us have been told, don't listen to that. That is just your insecurity, low self-esteem, whatever it may be, bubbling to the surface. Ignore, ignore, ignore. And people that involve themselves in a lot of not-so-good behavior, like your wife, for example, take advantage of that shame. And I bet if you were to look back, she probably over the past so many years, every relationship, was very open about shaming you and using your feelings against you. And she took advantage of you. Basically, for any of you guys out there that are kind of going through the same thing and be like, you know, there's something going on here and I'm not quite sure and I just feel uneasy and yes, insecure, which means not safe about something within the relationship right now. And it's something I really want to bring to my spouse or girlfriend or whatever it may be, but I feel weird about doing it. Number 1, if she is up to no good, she has nothing to hide and she would just say, oh no, dear, you're wrong. Here, here's my phone. Home computer. Ask me any questions. I'll be completely open with you. I can see why you may think this is weird, but let me explain. Instead of saying, "Whoa, dude, you're insecure. This is misogynistic of you." Insert shaming tactic here. And then what often coincides with this is they don't explain away anything, do they? They don't have any real alibi or explanation for some of that weird behavior. They just turn it and point it back at you. People that are secure within themselves and in the relationship have very real boundaries. They know what they will and will not put up with. And they say, "I don't like this kind of behavior from you. Let's talk it out." And they don't drop it until they get a good explanation. They're the type that sits there stone-faced and listens to you and says, "I hear you, but you're not answering the question. This is what I want the answer to." And if you don't get a satisfactory answer or you feel like the person is gaslighting you or flat out lying to you, you're not afraid to turn around and walk the other way and leave said relationship. That's where a lot of people hesitate because a lot of people, and I bet you, Mr. Guy who wrote in here, fall into this camp. Don't have a good sense of security within yourself, and you don't value yourself very much. Therefore, you feel lucky to have whatever relationship you're in. Even if your gut and everything else is screaming at you like, "Something's wrong here," you just ignore it because, "I'm never gonna get a woman like this again." Scarcity. It kills a person inside, and it leads to a lot of chaos in your life, whether that's professionally on the job or with friends or in romantic relationships. So, now here you are, and you have intertwined yourself with some people that are a little bit chaotic, to say the least. You got these friends coming up to you saying, "Hey, just so you know," We were on a couch with your wife and her lover getting it on side by side so many years ago. Just thought you should know. And you're a little naive and you're just like, I didn't believe it because I didn't think people were capable of such a thing. Dude, I'm right there with you. I was a bit naive when it comes to this kind of sexuality and relationship dynamic stuff years ago before I went through what I did and then ended up talking to at this point like over 1,000 men one-on-one, thousands more via messaging and women too. And professionals, psychologists, sexologists, what have you, and you realize that human sexuality is a lot more varied, a lot more complex. And if you're a bit naive about the whole thing and you, you kind of see behind the curtain, so to speak, it's a major eye-opener what a lot of people are capable of. Infidelity falls in that camp. Poly stuff, swinging stuff, a lot more common than the average Joe thinks. And it sounds like your wife was kind of part of that along with her friends. And this is an, again, a major mind F because this calls into question your past, and you realize that there was this community of people that all kind of knew some stuff about you and your relationship that you didn't know. They were all in it together and keeping the secret. That really, really sucks. You need to surround yourself with better people, dude. Now, I guess kudos to them for coming to you saying, we can't hold this information back anymore, look what we know about your wife. And then your wife's own past lover comes out of the woodwork and says, I guess found Jesus or whatever, and listen what I did. So all these people are like hitting the alarm bells Dude, wake up. There's something really bad you need to know about your wife. And you didn't come out and say it here, but the insinuation is now you are questioning the paternity of your children, which is completely understandable. The fact that your wife was with her lover and said that she was with him for the express purpose of getting pregnant, oof. You're going to have a lot of men, and by the way, I posted your story on my Facebook page for the Dad Starting Over account, and the majority of comments that came back from men, the first thing they said was, get a DNA test of the kids. But here's the thing, it's easy for us to say, that's the first thing I would say too, dude, you got to make sure these kids are yours. But I guess you need to really ask yourself, does it matter? It's been years now, so obviously you formed a very real bond with these kids. What if you find out that none of them are yours? What does that change? You know you've been deceived. You know you've surrounded yourself with a not very good group of human beings, and the fact is you married one of them, and you know you need to do a better job of listening to your gut and protecting yourself. Now, legally going forward, there may be a benefit. You need to talk to an attorney about this. There may be a benefit to finding out whether or not there is a DNA genetic connection to your kids, whether or not the kids are biologically yours or not. Maybe it behooves you to find out whether or not that's the case. I don't know. Speak to an attorney about this. If it's not obvious this relationship is over, there's no way I or any secure person could continue on knowing what you know about your spouse. You shake their hand and you say, you obviously got some really big problems and I don't want anything to do with it. I love you. That's why I married you. But we both know giant oopsie here. And you took advantage of me and my good nature and my naïveté, but not anymore. And you take whatever information— or guidance rather— that the attorney gives you, and you move forward in life. And you, my friend, are going to need some help. Don't do this alone. Don't do the whole lone wolf and get in your little cave and think you can just tough this out all by yourself. That's a one-way street to depression or worse. Whether it's through our support community or some other support community or therapist, raise your hand and say, I need a little help here dealing with this, because you do. Any human being going through something like this would need help. I don't care how strong they are. We have a support community that we call the Brotherhood, and we have spoken to men who have been down this road. Go to help4men.com/join and check it out. We get together for private discussion forums. We get together for live meetings. You can book one-on-one time with myself or other guys on the team. We are all here to help you out, brother. And again, whether it's through our group or some other group, therapy, or a combination of all of them, do yourself a favor and take care of yourself. Get help. It's okay. You're not weak for doing so. So, don't be afraid to reach out to me. Any questions you may have, any guidance, I'm here to help you, brother. And that goes for any of you that are watching this that have something similar going on. I do have a free course you can check out, mywifecheated.com, completely free. I also have a book called Divorce Panic, as well as my latest book called Rebuild that you can find at readrebuild.com. That one's right up your alley as well. So, we have a lot of resources at Help for Men. Check it out, helpformen.com. And guys, thank you all so very much for watching. Give me a like, give me a subscribe. I would really appreciate it. And I'll catch you on the next one.