Ralph Brewer responds to a man who says he should stay out of shape to avoid making his wife insecure. Brewer calls this codependency and argues that personal fitness isn't a relationship liability. The wife's insecurity is her own issue to address, not a reason for him to compromise his health.
Chapters
So I just received this message on Facebook here recently from a follower that I thought I would share. This is really good fuel for conversation here. But he says, and I quote, I'm not sure you will respond to this, but just watch— I just watched you talk about men staying in shape in the relationship. I have been married for 15 years. Marriage was unbelievable until we had our first child 8 years in. But to your point of staying in shape, I don't agree with this for a few reasons, he says. Typically, as you get older, women get thicker. Hormones change big time after a baby. They lose their body. In my experience, for me, I'm an extremely fit guy, 6'1", 209 pounds, around 12% body fat, and it creates resentment in my wife. I look better than her in her mind and she hates it. We go out in public. I'm a fit, attractive guy. Women will give me attention, maybe a smile, just that flirty energy, and she, my wife, hates it. To me, women want you to not look better than them if they are not in good shape. The dad bod is hot, parentheses, it's not because it's safe to them. It makes them still feel more attractive than their spouse. My wife has also never once told me that I look good. She has never advocated for me. She's never told me that she's proud of me for meeting my goals, etc. She just says, "Oh, you're gonna work out again?" All attitude. I do all of the grocery shopping, 100% of the cooking and the cleaning and the food prepping. Pretty much everything in the house. It's like your energy has to match theirs. If she's overweight, you need to be overweight. If she's in killer shape, you need to be killer shape, or it just creates problems deep into the relationship. Okay, so what's wrong with this point of view? Trying to match the energy, or in this guy's, let's call him John, in John's mind, the physical appearance of your spouse so that you do not further ignite anxiety and stress within your partner. As I responded to John, I told him, I go, dude, this is an extremely unhealthy mindset to be in. Obviously, this staying in shape is something that you're proud of and it's something that you enjoy. I can think of far worse hobbies and interests to get into. As a man. Staying in shape, being healthy, good for you. Your 50 and 60-year-old self— you didn't tell me your age here, so I assume you're not that old yet— your older self will thank you for all of this hard work that you're doing now. Any doctor or health professional will tell you the same thing. Oh, thank goodness John is working out and staying in great shape. So the idea of setting that aside, putting that aside, because you can see it causes discomfort and your spouse, not good, my man. How you should look at this is this, and it sounds cold and it sounds dismissive, but if the genders were flipped, you better believe that the chorus of people hearing the story like this from a woman would say the exact same thing. And that is that her anxiety, her stress over your perceived positive attribute in your case, the physicality. Her stress and anxiety over that is her problem. It is not your problem. That's not just a wife thing. This happens the other way as well. As I mentioned, we'll have these, you know, 40-something-year-old gals who suddenly say, you know, kids are all grown up, I have more time for myself now. Gosh darn it, I want to lose 30 pounds. I'm going to join this, this group exercise like CrossFit or something like that, and husband loses his marbles. You're taking too much time away from the family, from the kids. You're going to cheat on me. Very insecure stuff. That's exactly what your wife is doing here. She's exhibiting her insecurity in the relationship, the insecurity with herself. If what you're saying is true with the you doing the— sounds like the vast majority of the domestic duties in the home, the cooking, cleaning, shopping, and so forth— that's all kind of illustrative of a bigger picture thing here, which is you're kind of a pushover-y kind of guy. You're a people pleaser, maybe even a codependent type of person. All these things need to be looked at. I think this, I'm worried that my physicality causes her anxiety, therefore all men should not follow me, you should all be in, you know, bad shape because it's good for the relationship and all that, that's just kind of indicative or illustrative of a much deeper issue that you need to work on. And I'm sure this mindset kind of bleeds over into other parts of your life, your work and so forth. Like if you were at the job and one of your coworkers says, "Hey, don't go so fast. Don't do such a good job on that project. Cool it, you're making the rest of us look bad." I would hope you're not the type to say, "Okay, I guess I'll dial down my work effort a little bit because I don't want to make everybody else look bad." No. If anything, you jack up your work effort even more. You say, "Sorry if I'm leaving you all behind. Your job, the rest of you, is to keep up with me, not vice versa." The same applies here.
