"My Wife Abandoned Me After My Heart Transplant – Now I Feel Invisible"

All right, folks, we have a new Dear DSO entry on the website, and you can submit your own story or question to deardso.com. That's deardso.com. Fill out the form, and if your story or your question is a good one, I will create a video out of it for the whole world to see. Or for the podcast listeners, hello DSO podcast listeners, search for Dad Starting Over wherever you listen to your podcast, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and every place in between. I would appreciate it. And also, while you're at it, if you are watching this on YouTube right now, do me a favor, click subscribe down below, click on like, and after you watch the video, leave a comment. Every little bit helps a great deal. Thank you so very much. Now on to today's question. It's a good one. This one comes from— I love the name— Wild Monkey. All right. Subject line is feeling invisible in my own life. Post-transplant. Interesting. This can be a long one here. He says, I appreciate you taking the time to read this. My name is Tim, I'm 40 years old, and honestly, I'm feeling stuck. I've been through a lot physically, emotionally, and mentally, and I don't know what to do next. My marriage feels like it's falling apart. I feel disconnected from my wife, and I'm scared of what that means for my relationship with my son. I just need some guidance on where to go to from here. How it all started. Little subheadline here. This is like a little story. He says, I met my wife online, and funny enough, we later found out we worked at the same company. That made spending time together easy, and before we knew it, we had built this comfortable rhythm. We dated for 4 years, we got married, and now have been together for 9. Before meeting her, I had what I'd call a bit of a wild streak, dating around, spending money recklessly. But at some point, that lifestyle got old. I wanted something real. And I thought I had found that with my wife. She was a virgin when we met, which I knew meant things would move slow physically, but I assumed we'd grow into a healthy sexual relationship over time. That never really happened. There was intimacy at first, but even then there was no real foreplay, no deep connection, just routine. But I figured that as our relationship grew, things would improve. I was wrong. Still, we were happy in other ways. We moved in together, we paid off debt, and did almost everything together. It felt good, like we were a real team. Eventually we got married, we bought a house, and decided to start a family. Everything changed after our son was born. Trying for a baby was fun, but once she got pregnant, sex started to disappear. I understood at first, pregnancy is a lot, but then after our son was born, Everything shifted entirely. Suddenly it was all about our son. At first it was— I was fine with it, he says. He was our baby, and of course he needed his mom. But then things started to feel off. She didn't want to go out to dinner anymore. She refused to let anyone babysit him, not even her own parents. Visits with family became strict, limited to an hour at most, because she had him on such a— on a rigid routine. I grew up in a family where kids ran around parties. We stayed up late and we had fun. But for my son, none of that was allowed. I figured things would ease up over time, but they never did. Our marriage became secondary. We had sex only when her mom was visiting, parentheses, which was rare. And even then, it had to be quick and only during the day. There was no affection, no connection, just obligation. And when I brought it up, she'd brush it off like it wasn't important. Health Problems and Feeling Abandoned. Next title. Uh, then 2 years into our marriage, I had open heart surgery. It was a huge deal. 4 months off work, a long recovery, but at least I had the house to myself to heal. And then COVID hit, and suddenly the alone time I thought I'd get to rest was gone. I barely got any support from my wife during that time. It was all about our son, like always. I felt like an afterthought in my own home. Fast forward a few years and everything really fell apart when my heart failed entirely. 6 months ago, my CRT-D shocked me 17 times and I had to be airlifted to the city for an emergency heart transplant. Holy crap. Here's the part that broke me, he says. My wife never visited me. Wow. Not in the hospital, not in rehab, not even when I was staying with my parents for 2 months after surgery. My parents, siblings, and friends were there almost every day, but my wife, just quick FaceTime calls and only when it was convenient for her. My nurses and doctors even started asking where my wife was. And I didn't have a good answer. I didn't know how to explain it because I didn't understand it myself. How could my own wife not show up for me when I needed her most? And while I was gone, my sister told me something that made me even more worried. My wife and son barely left the house. She wasn't showering, she wasn't keeping up with basic hygiene, and she just stayed locked away. Next title is Trust Issues and More Distance. After my transplant, I gave my wife all my passwords and logins just in case something happened to me. Instead of using them to manage things for our family, she went digging through my messages. She found old chats with friends, some of them female, some of them with dark humor, and she jumped to the conclusion that I was cheating. I wasn't. I've never cheated. But that became another excuse to pull away from me completely. Then a couple of months ago, I found out that she had opened a secret bank account and had been putting 45% of her paycheck into it. When I confronted her, she said it was in case I died in surgery, so she'd have immediate access to money. But I've been home for months now, and she's still doing it. She won't tell me— or she won't tell me what's in her 401k either. But she expects full access to my finances. I feel like I don't even know the person I married anymore. Next title is Where I Am Now and What I'm Afraid of. He says, I moved back home just before Christmas, and honestly, it's like I don't exist. We don't talk, we don't touch. When I tried to hug her, she literally steps away like she's trying to escape me. I've thought about leaving. I even told her I wanted a divorce once. Saying maybe that was the only way I'd actually get alone time with my son. But she never brought it up again, never tried to work on things, never showed any sign that she cares. I don't know what to do. I don't want to stay in a marriage where I feel invisible, but I'm terrified that if I lose— if I leave, I'll lose my son. My medical history could be used against me in a custody battle. And since she's always been the primary parent, I'm scared that I barely get to see him. On top of that, her health insurance covers my transplant care. If I lose that coverage, my medical bills could bury me. So here I am, stuck. My questions for you: Is this marriage salvageable? Or am I holding on to something that's already gone? Is my wife's behavior just her parenting style? Or is it unhealthy for our son? If we do divorce, what are the chances that I get shared custody despite my health issues? What's the healthiest way for me to navigate this situation emotionally and financially? I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling trapped and unwanted. I want to enjoy life. I want to be happy, but I have no— but I have no idea what my next step should be. Any advice would mean a lot, he says. Tim. Buddy or Wild Monkey, Tim or Wild Monkey, what a horrible, horrible situation. I am so sorry you're going through this, brother. This is not a good thing. Where to go with this? You got a lot of questions at the end, a lot of which need to, you need to speak to a professional about, like an attorney, to say, hey, Mr. Attorney, if I leave and here's the situation, here's the insurance situation, here's all this and that, what do you think? And really lay it all out there. And it doesn't mean you file the next day. It doesn't mean you're immediately divorced. It just means, hey expert, tell me where I would land in case I do such a thing. There's nothing wrong with that. It's called being prepared. But to pick on you a little bit here, the tone of your story, there's an underlying tone of passivity. You just let things happen to you. You don't proactively do much of anything. You're just like, oh well, I thought it would improve. Oh well, I thought it would improve. Oh well, I thought that would improve. A lot of that, I just thought it would, The, the grand lesson in all of this, mister, is that's no way to go through life, and it's certainly no way to go through a relationship like a marriage, and it's certainly no way to go through relationship or a marriage with somebody, this woman of yours, who was at the very beginning woefully, um, inexperienced in the world of relationships. You married this virgin woman. I don't know what her, her family life is like. I'm betting pretty conservative, strict, maybe a lot of shame involved, sexual shame involved. I bet you if you watched her mom and dad in action, they're basically what you're seeing now with your wife. That was— if you sat back and studied her mother and father, probably more specifically her mother, and, and see how— what the dynamic was between mom and dad, then you're probably like, oh wow, it's exactly like what I'm experiencing now. You know, these— we're— as we're kids, we sit back and watch, this is what mom and dads do, and then we shock, we do that later in life, which is why it's really important to go meet mom and dad and, and have a long courtship process before tying the knot with somebody. Because as what, what you're seeing here, you're exemplifying in your story, Tim, this is a lesson to everybody watching this. There is no bigger decision in your life, arguably even more so as a man. There's a lot of women that will probably disagree with that because there's a lot that's writing on picking a good husband as well, a good father to your children, your future children. But as a man, um, there, there are a lot of horrible, awful things that can happen as a result of getting with and sticking with the wrong person, the wrong woman. Um, you can have all kinds of legal, financial, emotional, other issues that can result from this. And you're getting it from all angles, mister. You got with a woman who very obviously doesn't want anything to do with you anymore, who very obviously has some problems Um, I'm not making excuses for the gal. A lot of people watching this, some really angry men will, uh, jump at me for saying this, but you got with somebody who's obviously got some problems and she needs help. There is such a thing as postpartum depression. There is such a thing as postpartum anxiety disorders, postpartum obsessive-compulsive. The fact that she's not caring for herself, the poor hygiene, smothering this child and everything else, points to a person who really needs a lot of help before she I guess you could say infects this child with her, with her, um, disordered thinking or disordered behavior, dysfunctional behavior that will get passed down to that child, and that child will pass it down. We have to— Mr. Passive, you need to stop being so goddamn passive. Excuse my language. Um, you're causing a lot of chaos all by yourself. You're very passive. Your passivity combined with the, um, wild dysfunction and unhealthy behavior of your partner is this boom, this big, you know, it's like the Hiroshima bomb. It's just this huge nuclear bomb going off and you're seeing the end result of it. So only thing you control is you and this passivity over here. Passivity time is done as of now. This is what's going to happen. This is what we're going to do. We're going to stop doing this. And you're thinking, yeah, Ralph, right. Like this woman's going to do anything. I agree. She'll probably just look at you stone-faced and just go about doing whatever it is that she does. She's socking away some money, so she may be getting ready for divorce herself. All this talk about hanging on, what should I do, that, that's about to get all answered, I'm afraid, when suddenly divorce papers show up, you know, one day in the mail, or however that works wherever you are in the world. What is stopping her now from divorcing is probably the money thing, getting ready, hence why she's putting some money away in an account. She's just building that nest egg, so to speak, till she gets to the point where she goes, now I have enough for rent on a new place, and do this, move that, blah blah blah blah, and she'll be out the door. So that's why I say you need to get to an attorney like tomorrow, just to say, in case I go through with this, where, where does this— what can I do to take care of me? What can I do to make sure I see my kid? Um, you're right, your health issues are going to cause a problem potentially. Um, you need to show that I'm in good health, I can take care of this kid on my own. When this kid is with me, with Dad, is there's no worry here of me just you know, keeling over dead and leaving this kid alone and all this other stuff. That sounds horrible and it sounds cold, but that's where the thought of a lot of people go to. Number one priority is the well-being of the child. And regardless if you're a really great guy mentally, you're a very caring individual and loving individual, that doesn't matter if your heart can't keep up, you know, potentially. Don't know. And she could probably get an attorney that's going to say, look, this guy's ready to keel over dead any moment here. He's on all these anti-rejection immunosuppressant drugs and everything else. He's prone to infections and disease, and it— yeah, it can go to a pretty nasty spot. And, um, and then your, your contention is going to be, yes, but mother is mentally ill. Look at all this, probably like hoarding and not taking care of herself, uh, hygiene-wise, and she hovers over this kid. So your situation is not easy. There's no right or wrong thing here other than this marriage is obviously over. What you do with that information is up to you. You do need to take the next steps to take care of yourself. And yes, find a way that you will have a healthy parenting relationship with that child. You're not going to see him every day. That's done. You know, I'm going to speak in platitudes here, some, some, some truths as I see it with your story. One is the marriage is over. Number two, you need to figure out how to do that amicably or enough so that take care of yourself financially and legally and otherwise. And number three, how to maintain a bond with your child and see the child on a regular basis so that you can be a good father to him. That's it. Um, everything else is bullshit. Um, going through some of your questions here. Is, is your wife's behavior her parenting style, or is it unhealthy for her son? It's her parenting style, which is wildly unhealthy. And yes, it's very unhealthy for your son. Absolutely. Is the marriage salvageable? Not as far as what I can tell. Um, best case scenario for salvaging this marriage is I mean, let's think about it, dude. Your wife has to go through a fundamental personality shift. She needs to get rid of all these compulsions and possible depression, anxiety, and so forth. Therapy, you know, intense therapy, maybe even like time away from the kid to work on herself. Inpatient care. I don't know what it involves, but it's going to take a lot more than what she's doing now. It's going to take work. It's going to take her raising her hand saying, yeah, I need some help. That ain't gonna happen, dude. Um, yeah, just need distance. From wife, we need to call this quits. See what it is. Figure out how to take care of yourself with your health insurance and so forth. I don't know if government aid in that way is a viable solution for you. I don't know what your work situation is and all this other stuff. Legal questions for legal people, not me. Yeah, I don't know what the chances are of health, you know, custody with your health issues, a legal thing. You're asking just a lot of legal stuff here. You don't want to spend the rest of your life feeling trapped and unwanted. That's what you have in store for you with this woman. There's no ifs, ands, or buts about it. How many more years of this do you need until you get the idea that this is who she is? She doesn't have a care in the world for you. That hurts. You're a human being. Of course it hurts to hear that out loud, or to feel it, or to have some dude like me who talks to so many people on the internet telling you, dude, she wants nothing to do with you, run for the hills. That's easier said than done, right? You committed yourself to this woman. You made vows. You have a child. You've been through this intense health scare that 99.9% of us will never experience. This could be like a real point for you, you know, it's all downhill from there. Or it could be a rock bottom, had a heart transplant, end up with this crazy wife who did this and did that. I'm play pretend, fast forward in the story. We split up, I went through hell, it was terrible, it was stressful. But once I got on my feet again, things started improving. My money started improving, my friendship started improving, my family life started improving. I have this excellent relationship with my son that I see half the time. Whatever it may be, your passivity— I'm going to keep picking on that. It's time to take the reins, take control of your life, and move forward and create something that you could be proud of. Stop with the passive. I just thought that I just thought that— no, that's not how things work in life, buddy. Big lesson for people watching this: I got with this woman who was a virgin, and when we got together, we just didn't really click physically and emotionally. I just thought that would improve with time. No, it rarely, if ever, does. Sorry. I know some people out there, especially a lot of religious conservative types, sell you on that dream. I have never seen that play out in real world. I'm sorry. Maybe people in the comments will come and say, no, my wife and I were both virgins. We didn't know what the hell we were doing. Over time, it got better and better and better. Okay, that exists, I'm sure, but that's exception to the rule for a lot of these guys. A lot of these guys that I've seen, um, they go from, I was with all these very experienced women, women if you know what I mean, and the frequent activity, and then that got old because none of these women were anything substantially, you know, intellectually or emotionally, and it was just like a party scene and it wasn't anything real. And so I got with this woman who seemed to be very centered and very grounded and very normal. Sexy, not so much at all, but we'll grow into that, right? And the answer is no, you probably won't. Sorry, it's just the way it is, and you're learning that here, Mr. Tim. All right, brother, thank you for reaching out. Join— you know, I'm going to say, I say it in all the videos because it pertains basically to every guy who ever reaches out to us— you need to surround yourself with healthy individuals, men who are there to help you, my friend. And we have a group just for that. The Brotherhood, it's a support community for men in need. HelpForMen.com, go to Brotherhood in the menu, or go right to HelpForMen.com/join. There are a ton of benefits for joining. We have discussion forums, we have live Zoom meetings, you can book time with myself or other people on the team, you get all my books at no additional charge. We get together in person, uh, once a year in the States, once a year in Australia. We may add more as time moves on. All kinds of good stuff for you there, okay? But we just want to help you out. You're going to need a lot of help going through this. Don't do this alone, my friend. But, uh, please keep in touch. I'm worried about you. I mean, just from the— what little— you did a very good job of spelling out your story. You're a natural writer. Maybe that's something to pursue, I don't know. But, um, you know, worry about you. I don't know you, but I care for you, dude. I hope everything works out for you. We have hundreds of other guys in the group that will be there ready and standing by to extend a hand to help. And, um, my, my one last bit of advice is when people extend a hand to help, take it. Okay, brother? That's part of not being so passive anymore, being proactive. And part of being proactive is when people say, I got you, dude, here, let me extend a hand to help you, take it. All right, brother, best of luck to you. Keep in touch, and thank you so very much for reaching out. I do appreciate it.