In this Dad Starting Over (DSO) video, host Ralph Brewer reads a listener submission from a man who calls himself “Not Her First Pick.” The husband, married 12 years with two children, learns that his wife told him she "settled" for him because she didn’t think her ex‑college boyfriend would ever return, describing him as her "safe choice." The host unpacks the emotional impact of being labeled a placeholder, explores why some women may prioritize safety over passion, and references the dual‑mating‑strategy hypothesis as an evolutionary framework for female infidelity. He contrasts the "lover" versus "provider" archetype, shares anecdotal examples of women choosing aggressive, "bad‑boy" partners versus stable family men, and suggests practical steps: have an honest conversation, consider checking the wife’s phone for evidence of another relationship, and evaluate whether the marriage can be repaired or if separation is the healthier path. The video also invites audience commentary on whether such statements are forgivable, highlighting gendered double standards and the emotional fallout for both partners.
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Yes, it sounds like some internet nonsense, but there's some truth to the whole lover and provider dynamic. And rarely is that dynamic met in one individual, like the gentleman who wrote into Dear DSO with this recent submission has discovered. And if you have a story or a question for me and you'd like to share it with the world, go to deardso.com, fill out the form, And if your submission's a good one, I will create a video out of it for the whole world to see, or for the podcast listeners on the Dad Starting Over podcast to listen to. Dad Starting Over podcast available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you may listen to your podcasts. And if you're watching this on YouTube, as always, give me a like, give me a share, leave a comment, click the little bell, all that good stuff. I would really appreciate it. Thank you so very much. Now, on to today's submission. This one comes from Not Her First Pick. That's an interesting name. He says, hey DSO, I need to get this off my chest. He says, I've been married 12 years, 2 kids. Everything looks solid on the outside, but a few nights ago, after a couple of drinks and a stupid argument, my wife hit me with something that I can't unhear. Uh-oh. She said, quote, I settled for you because I didn't think he'd ever come back. He is her ex from college, the guy she called immature and toxic back when we first started dating, the guy she blocked on everything. It turns out she never really moved on. She said she thought she'd grow to love me more over time, and that I was, quote, the safe choice. DSO, I feel like the understudy in my own life, like I've been a placeholder husband for over a decade. Now I can't stop wondering, was any of this real? Why do women do this? And what the hell am I supposed to do now? That's a tough one, dude. Uh, yeah, You know, let me jump right to the last, the next to last question on your little thing here. Why do women do this? With that statement, are you under the impression that the vast majority of women out there go to their husband and say, you weren't my first choice, buddy, I have simply settled for you? Or do you feel that most women feel that way about their spouse? I would say there's no evidence of that being true. Does that exist? Oh yeah, obviously. You just witnessed this yourself. In real life. But you're doing what a lot of people do. Men and women both do this. They experience, you know, their spouse— like, you know, take your typical woman who finds out that her spouse cheated on her with the hot young secretary at work. This is a little fake scenario story that I often bring up in my videos simply because it happens. I know of men who have done exactly that. But it's such an acutely emotional thing to experience that those women extrapolate that and say, "It's all men." And it's a good way of hitting the opposite sex below the belt, so to speak, to say, like, "You are inherently bad because of your gender. You're all like this." So you have been really, really hurt by your wife, and you probably went on the internet, how you found me, and looked up similar stories and found countless men saying the same thing, or some semblance of it. And so you say, "What's with all these women?" Well, the more apt question is, "What is it with this minority of women that do stuff like this? Is it this common? What's going on in their head? Why would they play out this dynamic like this? Why would they say such a thing to their husband, something so hurtful? And presuming that it's true, why would they settle for a guy that they don't really want in that way anymore?" Yes, as I alluded to in another video, there is scientific data that shows us that the dual mating strategy hypothesis when it comes to female infidelity does seem to hold some weight. In other words, cheating women, it would seem, when we look at a large population size and we talk to the women about why it is that they cheated, often they will point to characteristics of their affair partner That seems to point to he's better genetic material than the guy who I chose to raise my children and go through life with. Much like the guy who is with his 50-some-year-old wife who's postmenopausal and he has an affair with the 28-year-old secretary. At a very primal level, 50-some-year-old wife is no longer fertile, no longer a sexual creature in his eyes, so he sees this young, fertile gal at work, and he takes advantage of that opportunity, and away he goes in an affair. If we were to ask that guy at the time, "Why is it that you had this affair with this woman?" He'll probably say, "She made me feel good. She was nice. My wife was a real crabby person to me and was always nitpicking and made me feel bad, and coming home to her was awful. This woman made me feel really welcome, and she was very sweet." What he won't tell you is that, "Oh yeah, and there's also this underlying biological thing that pushes me to be attracted to younger women." and my boundaries were down, probably because of some baggage from my childhood or whatever, and away I went. Same thing with the ladies and their affairs. Why are they with the neck tattoo loser? For some reason I hear that one all the time. A guy with a criminal record who has a history of really bad relationships and has children from several women in all these different relationships. Why did your wife pick him, this big quote-unquote loser out of all the men out there? And it would seem at a visceral level, it's because he's, you know, Mr. Aggressive Bad Boy type who checks a box that Mr. Comfortable Family Man never has. And that's horrible to say out loud. It's very emasculating to Mr. Family Man, Mr. Provider Man. But let's just, you know, put it out there. That's what's going on in a lot of these cases. Not all the cases for sure, no. But a lot of them, yeah, so much so that we have, like I say, scientific data to bear this out. And you can see my other video about the dual mating strategy on just that. So it would seem that your wife did what, by the way, I have heard out of the mouths of women in my life. I know, I can think of 2 women who, no, excuse me, 3 women who have done exactly this, which is I was with the, quote, love of my life, who was very exciting, fun, sexy. We really clicked at a very visceral, animalistic, lustful love level. And he said, I don't want to commit to you. Sorry, see you, goodbye, and left the woman high and dry and left her, you know, wondering, what the hell am I supposed to do now? I fell in love. I gave this man everything, all of my emotion and time and everything to this man. And yes, sex, and he has left me. So I'm going to swing the pendulum over here to the complete opposite end of the spectrum and move away from exciting, sexy, fun. I want safe and secure. This domestic creature that I know is going to be there for me no matter what. He's not going to leave me like that last dickbag. He's going to be a great father. He's going to be a great provider, somebody to go through life with. And if she was very, very honest with herself at the time of getting with this dude, She would say, "But does he check some of those sexy, lustful, overwhelmed by romantic feelings boxes?" And the answer, often, not always, the answer is no, but he does all these other things. He's a really great man. I've talked about in other videos how it would seem that when they feel really, when a lot of women in our lives feel very cornered, they will do whatever they can and say whatever they can to get you the hell away from them. And this is a really big get the hell away from me. So question is, why do you guys have so much resentment build up between the two of you that this— there's no way out of it, and this is her last-ditch effort to get that— get you the hell away from her? Is there potentially somebody else in the picture? I'm sorry, dude, but that's really common in my world. Guys that reach out to me and say, this woman just dropped this major bomb on me out of nowhere. We had a little argument about something, and now she's done this, and there's no way to ever come back from this. Often, more often than not, it's, dude, you might want to check her phone or something because something's up here. And sure enough, yeah, there's another dude in the picture. So what are you supposed to do now? I don't think anybody can come back from this, do you? I'm trying to think if there's an equivalent because with the genders flipped, because I'm telling you, every time I do some video like this, there's a lot of ladies that come in the comments, usually on Facebook, to say like, What a shithead thing to say. The guy needs to be more mature, more secure in himself to be able to deal with something like this. I'm sure she just said it in an emotional moment, and they may have a point, but there's also repercussions for saying such awful things. And one of those repercussions is your partner may say, I don't think I can look past this. I don't think this is something that I can just move on from. Sorry, we're gonna have to go our separate ways. With the genders flipped, what would be the equivalent of this? Sorry, honey, but you just don't— you just aren't attracted to me anymore ever since you had kids. Sorry. I often pine for my ex-girlfriend that I had before meeting you. She was younger and prettier, and that's what I like. That would be an absolute relationship killer in most instances. Like, picture that woman going to her girlfriends or her family saying, my husband just said this to me. 99% of the time they would all say, leave that pig of a husband. What the hell are you doing? This is the equivalent of that. I chose you because you're safe. I often wish and pine for the lover that was. That's how serious that is to men. Some women are really surprised to hear that, but yeah, that's pretty much the ultimate kick in the balls for most dudes. So if it's me, my friend, I'm doing the old handshake to the wife and saying, it's been real. It's been a real blast. And I say, 12 years, 2 kids, everything looks solid up until a few nights ago. Okay, so often in these situations, it's like, Years of a dead bedroom leading up to this point, but I don't hear that from you. So I don't know. Have a good talk about this. Where the hell did this come from, wife? Is this true? Like, do you often, you know, pine for the what was with the old, older, older, the previous dude? If so, sorry, I'm, you know, I'm not going to be second fiddle to somebody. I can't go on the rest of my life with you years down the line saying, I know who she's thinking about right now, whatever. So hey, These things happen. No hard feelings. Yeah, right. But let's move on, next chapter in our lives, and it's not going to be with each other. That's me. I know, maybe I'm insecure that way. Maybe I'm a little too sensitive. But hey, you asked, and that's me, and that's how I feel. What do you guys think? Guys that are watching this, and gals, your opinion is just as important. What do you think of this? Your partner comes to you with something like this. Can you move on from it? Can you work past it? Is that something you'll ever be able to forgive and forget? I don't know, man. That's a tough one. But hey, Mr. Not Her First Pick, thank you for reaching out. I do appreciate it. And guys, thank you for watching, and we'll catch you on the next one.
