In this YouTube segment, host Ralph Brewer reads a listener’s letter (Joe) in which his wife, after ten years of marriage and having children, tells him his penis is too small to satisfy her, comparing him unfavorably to an ex. Brewer explores why a spouse might make such a blunt comment, suggesting possible underlying issues such as post‑childbirth libido changes, accumulated resentment, communication breakdown, insecurity, or even infidelity. He questions whether the comment signals deeper relational problems, examines the husband’s possible anxiety‑driven behavior, and highlights how women’s own insecurities (body image, aging) can affect sexual dynamics. Brewer offers no definitive solution but invites the audience to weigh in on how Joe might respond and whether the relationship can survive. He also promotes his private men’s support group, Help for Men Brotherhood, as a resource for men dealing with similar issues. The tone is informal, candid, and somewhat critical, with a mix of empathy and skepticism toward both parties.
Chapters
All right, we have a new Dear DSO entry on the website, and you can submit your own story or question at deardso.com. That's deardso.com. Fill out the form, and if your story or your question is a good one, I will create a video out of it for the whole world to see. And on that note, if you could do me a favor, if you're watching this on YouTube, click subscribe, click like, leave a comment. It helps me out quite a bit. And this one comes from Joe. And the subject line is, "Size matters." Oh, that's never good. He says, "My wife and I have been married for 10 years. Her sex drive has been very low since having kids." And he says, parentheses, "I get it, it's a thing." "And she has put little to no effort into the bedroom. Recently she told me," prepare yourself for this, folks. "Recently she told me that I'm too small to get her off during sex." Jesus. And after asking some questions that I shouldn't have, I found out that her sex with her ex was much better as he was bigger and he could hit spots that I can't. Now I'm in a tailspin and I don't know how to move forward. She says it doesn't matter and that we just need to find the right positions, but she's historically made no effort to do that in the past. And to me, it seems like she just gave up hope that I could please her with what I have to work with. Okay, Joe, end of message. Um, that's a heavy one. Um, my first thought is, what on earth made this woman think that, um, bringing up something like that is a good thing, is a constructive thing? You know, on the surface, I'm trying not to make any penis puns here. On the surface, this is a much deeper question than what you're getting at. There's the first unintentional pun out of the way. First of all, 10 years, you had kids, and then sex just stops. Not unusual, as you're aware of. But then recently she told me, let me just stop you there. How does this come up? I mean, this would be weird if you're just sitting at the kitchen table drinking your morning coffee and she goes, by the way, Joe, your penis, way too small, buddy. And you're like, what? Where'd this come from? Yeah, I just realized my ex-lover, you know, Bob, way bigger penis. He would just hit in all the right places. And you're sitting there, you know, sipping your coffee like, what the fuck? What? Why? Why would you say this? Okay, so that's one thing, and that would be weird, and that would be arguably a little, um, Oh, sociopathic on her part, you know, lacking in empathy. You would have to wonder like, woman, is there something going on up here? Are you autistic? You know, a lot of autistic people are sometimes very blunt. I deal with a lot of autistic men in the Help for Men world. And by the way, if you're a man watching this, you can join our private group called the Help for Men Brotherhood. Learn more at helpformen.com. But anyway, you know, so many questions like, why did this come up? Or Joe, was this the result of Joe consistently poking and prodding and pushing and, and trying to shame her into not giving you love and getting to the point of finally she just blows up? Because what I've seen for a lot of these gals— I run the risk of painting all those gals with the same paintbrush, but let me qualify that further. To be fair, from the men that I speak to, anxious men that have— I'm gonna I haven't heard this very often, but something similar where they have like a major holy crap moment from their spouse. It's usually preempted by the man having a very anxiety-laden tirade towards the wife. Gosh darn it, I want love, I want affection. Why aren't you giving it to me? This sucks. And it's not the first time he's done it. It's maybe like the 15th time he's had such an encounter with her. Like, he's just driven to the edge of He can't take it anymore. And goddamn it, woman, why aren't you loving me more? And often these women will be— basically, they feel like they've been pushed into a corner. You know, picture like a wild animal that's pushed into a corner and fearing for its life, and they lash out. And they lash out with something that they know will cause you to back off and go, what the f— And it sounds like she found the thing, and the thing was, hey, you have small genitalia, previous guy was bigger, back off. That would stop basically anybody in their tracks, any dude, because I think most women know that most men have some insecurity about that. Thank you, pornography and popular culture and everything else. Um, physicality for both men and women is a spot of insecurity. A lot of women are worried about, um, getting older. A lot of women are about worried about, I'm gained 10, 20 extra pounds and now he and other men won't find me attractive. I lost my figure, and on and on and on. Wrinkles, you know, a lot of women The Botox industry, the hair coloring industry, the breast augmentation, liposuction, mommy makeover, all these things are to elicit some semblance of youthfulness in women that are getting older and after having kids. So that's a— that points to a lot of insecurity on the part of women. As much as they may say, I'm doing it for me, it still points to a level of you not liking yourself an awful lot. Nothing wrong with any of that, by the way. If you want to do that and it makes you feel better, go for it. But it points to some insecurity. I'm somewhat insecure about my bald head. But anyway, we all have our little points of insecurity, and it seems like a universal one for men is, am I endowed enough down there? For 99% of you listening to this, yes, you're fine. Okay, let's just get out of— get that out of the way. Um, it's really not that big of an issue for most women. Big of an issue, listen to me, pun number 2. Um, but So why would your wife bring this up? I keep going back to that. What on earth would make this woman think that this is a good thing to say to the man that is the husband to her children, or the father to her children, her husband? That's just very weird, extremely insensitive, and it points to somebody who just doesn't give a shit about what husband thinks and just wants him to get the hell away from her. So what preceded all this? Was it you, you know, pushing and pushing and pushing? Was she painted into a corner and wants you to back off? Was it just a moment of her just randomly spitting this out? Does this point to she is really disconnected from you and she just wants you to get away? Does this— you know, I'm trying not to stoke the flames of your anxiety here, but we hear some semblance of something like this when women cheat on their men because they're so done with them. And they have the cup of coffee in the kitchen moment where she just blabs or spits out something that makes the guy go, what the eff? And then they book time with me and I go, something's off here, dude. People don't just say stuff like that randomly. There has to be more behind the story. And usually there is. So there's more behind this. It's not just this on the surface. What preceded this? What preempted this? Why on earth would she think this is a good thing? Is this just illustrative of a series of bad things throughout your life, um, where she's been very insensitive, no empathy? She seems to be somewhat sociopathic. I don't know. As you can see, again, deep subject, wink wink. So are you able to move on past this? Hell, I don't know, dude, if I could be quite honest with you. I'm trying to— ultimately, the only perspective I have is my own, and I'm trying to put myself in your shoes. If I had some argument with the wife and she threw this out at me, I'd be like, holy shit. I'm trying to think, my wife— that would be so out of character for my wife to say something like that. That has to be indicative of something's wrong here. Something's off about her. Is she on some kind of medication or something? Like Something bothering her? Is she cheating? Is she something? It's so far out of left field that I have to say like something is really off here. And that's how you have to approach this. Something is really, really bad off here for somebody to throw something like that out. Follow that up with the, the, my ex had this and that. That's just weird, dude. It's just flat out weird, wrong. It takes you to be an adult here and go timeout. What's up with you, wife? What on earth makes you think that saying something like that to your husband is a good thing. I can never in a million years imagine saying something like that to you. So let's talk this out. What the eff is going on? And the grand answer may be from her, dude, what's her name, Joe, I'm done here, man. And that sucks, right? Is she willing to work through this to get past this? Or can you even get past such a comment? I don't know if I could, to be quite honest with you. That's pretty hurtful. Does that point to some insecurity on my part or whatever? I guess. I don't know. I don't care. That's just— that's a really horrible thing to say to another human being. Don't know. All right, so what should you do? Let's leave this to my audience. I have a feeling I know where this is going to go, but dudes and gals, hey, for this matter, ladies, your opinion matters here. What do you think Joe's response to such a statement, not knowing what preceded it or whatever, what do you think, uh, his response should be? Can he move forward? Can this relationship move forward? What do you guys think? And Joe, thank you once again for writing. I appreciate it a great deal.
