Sexless Marriage… She Cried and Said She Didn't Want to Lose Us. Two Weeks Later Nothing Changed.

You finally have the big conversation. You tell the wife the unadulterated truth. You tell her how lonely you've been feeling over the last so many months or years and how you miss her, how you miss you guys as a couple. And she cries. She actually really cries. She says she's sorry. She says she loves you. She doesn't want to lose you. She doesn't want to lose you as a couple either. And you think, finally, this is it. This is the moment that things turn around. And then 2 weeks goes by and nothing changes. So what exactly was that night? Was that even real? Did she really mean what she said? Or was she just feeling that in the moment? And then as soon as that moment passes, she goes back to her real default self. That's what we're getting into today, and it starts with Brian's email. Brian says, about 2 weeks ago, I finally had the conversation that I've been putting off for months. I sat my wife down and I told her honestly how I have been feeling, that I felt alone in the marriage, that the distance between us had been killing me, that I missed her. Not just physically, but all of it. The way we used to talk, the way she used to look at me, just feeling like we were actually partners. I wasn't angry. I wasn't accusatory. I just told her the truth. And she cried. Not a little. She really cried. She said she didn't realize how much I was hurting. She said she was sorry. She said she loved me and she didn't want to lose us. We held each other for a long time that night, and I remember thinking, okay, this is it. This is the moment things turn around. That was 2 weeks ago. Since then, nothing has changed. We haven't had sex. She hasn't brought up the conversation. She's not warmer. She's not more affectionate, not more present. If anything, it's like that night didn't happen. She's back to being exactly who she was before— distracted, checked out, and going through the motions. I don't even know how to bring it up again without sounding like I'm keeping score, and I don't want to have another conversation that goes nowhere and leaves me feeling more stupid for hoping. Was that night even real? Does she mean what she says in those moments, or does she just feel bad in the moment and then go right back to her default? I don't know what to do with this, Brian says. The question of was that night even real— let's start there. Interesting question. It's not just confusion, it's a man starting to distrust his reality, so to speak. He was there, he was feeling the moment, he saw her crying. There's no— he's not making this up. And now, 2 weeks later, he's questioning whether or not any of that meant anything. Totally understandable. It's the kind of pain that we don't really talk about very often. It's the pain of going through the work and being vulnerable and opening a door, and then the door quietly closes again before you can even go through it. And what's worse is that that crying moment gave him what? It gave him hope. His marriage has been running on empty. So hope in this kind of scenario can be kind of a dangerous thing because when you have that little glimmer of hope and then it gets extinguished, that actually sets you further back than where you were before. Now you're more guarded. Now you are less willing to try again. Now, if you ask most guys in these situations, they're even more certain that, you know what, nothing is ever, ever going to change here. Brian himself says that he doesn't want to have another one of these conversations. He will feel even more stupid for continuing to try and continuing to have hope in the situation. So Brian is like a lot of guys. He's not just disappointed, he's trying to protect himself from his own optimism when it comes to the relationship. That is sad. So let's talk about, in my estimation, what actually happened here. So the question Brian is asking is, was that night even real? Meaning, I mean, did she not experience that acute moment of emotion? Was she not really saying, oh man, I'm about to lose my husband, I'm freaking out here, I'm scared, I love him, et cetera, et cetera? In my opinion, yeah, she was really feeling in the moment. That was real. For the first time, probably ever, she got a real unadulterated, open, vulnerable look at what was going on with her husband. And it really landed. The tears were real. The remorse was real. And yes, the love that she expressed in that moment was probably real as well. But here's the thing. Just because you have an acutely powerful emotional moment doesn't lead to real behavioral change. Feeling something and then doing something about it, two completely different things. How many people do you know that say, damn it, I'm going to eat right and I'm going to lose weight. I'm going to go to the gym every day. I'm going to change my lifestyle. And then the next day they're eating cheesecake, they're smoking cigarettes, and they're saying, I'll start next week. If you were to go back in time to the day before, they really meant it. They were really serious about getting in shape. They were sick and tired of being sick and tired, but it's easier said than done. She felt the love, she felt the remorse, she felt all those feelings in a very real way in that moment. But that little moment did not come with what? A roadmap, a plan for what the hell to do next. That moment did not automatically dissolve whatever walls they have in place between the two of them, whatever patterns and distance or whatever you want to call it has been built up between the two of them. It was an emotional event. It was not what you would call like a structural change. Most people, do not know how to take emotions and an emotional event like that and transform it or transfer it into real behavioral change. In case you didn't notice, guys, feelings, they fade. They're very fickle. Life gets in the way. Those little default patterns that you have created over the years, they reemerge. Feeling alone is never ever enough to change deeply ingrained behavioral dynamics in a human being. That moment was not a turning point in the relationship. Brian and others that experienced this, that was just a window, a window into seeing what's going on inside of a person, and then the window quickly shuts. So why didn't she enact some kind of real behavioral change in this situation? Number 1, she just flat out may not know what the hell to do. After the big crying fit and the hugging and the I love yous and everything else, she goes back into the same behavioral patterns, the same environment, the same things she's been doing for the years leading up to that moment. Most people like your wife, Brian, don't know what concrete steps to take in these kind of situations. So they just revert back to automatic behavior. And if your wife is like a lot of the wives that we hear in these stories, she is what we call a very avoidant individual. I won't go into it. Attachment theory. You, Brian, by virtue of the fact that you're looking up self-help material, reaching out to me, means that you're probably a guy who's very anxiously attached, very preoccupied. You need a lot of reassurance and all that good stuff. And your wife is the complete 180 opposite. For her, opening up and being vulnerable is a big no-no. So she feels all these feelings in that moment and she's like, holy shit, I'm about to lose my husband. And then nothing. She's emotionally lost. She doesn't know where to direct these feelings. What do I do with them? And instead of admitting, hey, Brian husband, what do we do next? I'm lost here. Where do I go? Which, by the way, requires what? More vulnerability. Instead of that, which is really tough for women like her, I'm making a lot of assumptions here, she defaults to what she knows, being the cold, quote unquote, distant human being that she's been for a long time. That's comfortable for her. Second of all, A lot of women are just like, I'm waiting for you, hubby, to take the lead here. A man who was supposed to be very passive and very setting his own needs aside and being Mr. Non-selfish guy, selfless guy, suddenly is supposed to take the reins of the relationship and be the boss when it comes to the emotion and what to do next. For a lot of guys, that feels very foreign in the moment. So if that's the case, she's sitting back and waiting, saying, Brian, well, and Brian's like, I'm not used to taking the reins when it comes to this kind of stuff. This was really tough for me just to have this conversation. I had a great deal of anxiety when it came to having this conversation. I'm kind of conflict avoidant. Finally, he gets over the hump, has the conversation. He's like, shoo, got that out of the way. So to ask Brian and guys like Brian to then take the next third, fourth, fifth step in the process of getting things done, number one, they're clueless. And number two, even if you lay it out for guys like Brian, it's like, this is exactly what you do, they're very, very hesitant about doing it. They get kind of belligerent. I shouldn't have to do that, damn it. Welcome to being a dude in a long-term relationship. Yeah, you probably do. So by doing exactly nothing, you're giving her the signal that let's just brush that under the rug and pretend that didn't happen. Way more common than not from what I've seen. If she's like a lot of very avoidant people who are very averse to any kind of emotion, she may have seen that big emotional moment as kind of the resolution of all this. The steam was let out. We said some things. Yay, that's as good as it gets, right? She just flat out may not know that no, that's just supposed to be the beginning stage of more and more stuff. To her, that was the stuff. That was it. As you can see, you're probably on wildly different planets when it comes to your perception of all of this. Let's talk about something that I think is quietly doing a lot emotional damage to Mr. Bryan here. He doesn't want to have a conversation, another conversation, because that will make him feel even more stupid for having hope in his own frickin' marriage. That's what the old hope trap does. It makes you feel stupid for even going in that very positive direction. Therefore, the next time there's some kind of opening, maybe she says something warm and loving or whatever it may be, men like Bryan tend to hold back. They protect themselves. I'm not about to be vulnerable and get hurt again and lose all hope again. You have learned that letting your hope build up and give you positive thoughts and so forth, it just leads to —this, continuing to be stuck in limbo. Over time, that overprotection kind of calcifies. It forms like a semi-permanent barrier between the two of you. He pulls back, she senses he's pulling back, she feels more comfortable with the fact that he's pulling back because she's an avoidant lady and she doesn't like all that closeness and hanging all over her. And both of you are operating independently behind your own little walls there, and there's just no coming together ever. We see this pattern all the time in our group, and by our group I mean The Brotherhood. And by the way, if you're a dude watching this, you probably need some help. And guess what? Nothing wrong with that. You're not weak. You're not weird to raise your hand and say help. Guess what? Only the biggest and best individuals on the planet Earth realize, yeah, I can't do this alone. So don't be ashamed to reach out for help at The Brotherhood at help4men.com or jump right to the join page at help4men.com/join. Join hundreds of men from around the world in private discussions, live Zoom meetings. We get together in person for our conferences, coaching courses, 1,500+ hours of audio. You name it, we have it at The Brotherhood at help4men.com. So many guys that I talk to, whether it's one-on-one or in our group meetings or whatever, they just feel this exact same thing. I am a complete idiot for having any kind of hope. So this is a very rational adaptation to a very real pain, but it's also a trap. The same protection that shields you from being let down is the same one that prevents you from taking advantage of what could be very real emotional, vulnerable, open moments. So what Bryan needs to do is he needs to escape the hope trap. You don't do so by lowering your expectations and expecting the worst. You change it by doing something different after those emotional moments by taking action. So what should he do? Number 1, he should take some kind of action without apology. He says he's afraid to bring it up because he doesn't want to come across as— I'm putting words in his mouth— as a dickhead, like he's keeping score or something, right? But what he doesn't realize is by not bringing it up, he's not coming across as neutral or strong or alpha male or whatever the hell he is trying to do here. He's communicating that what just happened, that big emotional moment like a couple weeks ago, Didn't really matter. No biggie. Everything's fine. The status quo is acceptable. Gotta do it again, Brian. You gotta instead this time, instead of trying to instill some kind of emotional response, you gotta move the conversation forward. I want to come back to what we talked about a couple weeks ago, wife. Not to make you feel bad, not to get you to cry all over again and all that good stuff, because I meant what I said. And instead of doing what we've always been doing, which is exactly nothing, we're gonna do something about it for once. Wife, what do you think about that? What do you think we need to do, if anything? It's leadership. It's getting her involved, getting a feel for where her mind is in this. And then you tell her what you think. Because if she's like a lot of the women that I hear from, it's going to be like, I don't know, dude, everything's fine as far as I'm concerned. This is where you come back and go, well, not fine for me. So here's what I think we need to do. And boy, you better have a game plan. I mean, strict. Next Wednesday, we're going to go talk to somebody, then we're going to do this, and then we're going to do this. We're not going to do this anymore. That kind of level of strict. It's not in a demanding way. It's not in an asshole way. It's in a clear way. Clarity. Clarity gets things done. But holy shit, does it lead to some drama, doesn't it? Welcome to real life. This whole avoiding any kind of conflict and drama, it's getting you exactly nothing in life. So approach her and say, I meant what I said last time. This is the situation. I'm not trying to escape it anymore. What do you think, wife? What is your stance on all this? Here's what I think. Here's what we're going to do. And remember, you don't have to do this alone. You can talk to a lot of guys who've been there and done that. Hell, they had the old healthy version of the talk, as we call it. Go to the brotherhood, help4men.com. Otherwise, if you're like a lot of guys, you're just gonna be sitting spinning your wheels in limbo for a long-ass time. So to wrap all this up, Brian, yeah, the moment was real. The love was real. The remorse was real. The emotion in the moment was very real. None of that probably was any kind of real, like, fake performance type of thing. But as you've learned, feelings don't get stuff done. Real behavioral change, changing to the habits, and that's what gets things done. The emotional moment opens the window, You gotta go through it. You gotta carry forth with some kind of action, Mr. Passive Guy. So stop being Mr. Passive Guy. Structure, clarity, follow through. That's where things actually change. That's how marriages change. Not with the crying. It's what happens after the crying. And guys, don't forget, I actually wrote a book on the whole sexless marriage thing for men. The most popular thing I've ever done by a long shot. DeadBedroomFix.com. Or check out my new app, the Dead Bedroom Fix app. You can learn more at DeadBedroomFixApp.com or click on the link down below for a special offer. Guys, you so very much for watching. Give me a like, give me a subscribe, you know how it works. I would really appreciate it, and we'll catch you on the next one.