Shame and Your Dead Bedroom/Sexless Marriage

Have you ever felt like there is something inherently wrong with you just because you want physical intimacy from the person you love? Have you ever hidden your true desires because it makes you feel like a creep? You feel weak, or you feel unworthy of said love. You are not alone. You are amongst a growing group of men out there who are carrying around something that we just don't like to talk about. They're walking around with a lot of toxic shame, and that shame is silently destroying their relationships, their confidence, and their ability to be fully present as a man. Today we're going to talk about how that shame starts, how it ties into your codependency, which many of you have, many of you Mr. Nice Guy types, and how you can finally break free. Let's get something clear. Shame is not the same thing as guilt. Guilt is, "I feel bad for the thing that I did." Shame is, "I am bad." And men, especially as I mentioned, the Mr. Nice Guy types, are marinated in shame from the moment they are little boys. We're told, "Be tough. Don't cry. Don't be weak. Don't show emotion. Don't feel." but also at the same time, don't be a pervert, don't be a creep, don't be overtly sexual. So we suppress everything. We suppress those very real, very human, normal emotions, and we suppress our sexuality. And that suppression turns into what we call toxic shame. John Bradshaw calls this the internalized voice of judgment. This becomes the script that is running in your head continuously. And that script says over and over again, "If these people really knew the real me, they would run for the hills." This shame that we're talking about usually more strongly revolves around the subject of, yes, old S-E-X, sex. You as a young man were probably never told that sexual desire is normal. You, the average dude, were probably told that it was dangerous, maybe even weird. So what happens? You end up hiding it. You lie about it. You become addicted to porn. You feel disgusted after, you know, if you're lucky enough to do sex with another human being, you feel disgusted and shameful after that. And you definitely feel disgusting and shameful after servicing yourself, if you know what I mean. And later on down the line, if you're lucky enough to partner up with somebody, you feel shame about telling them exactly what it is that you want and desire. A 2015 study in the Journal of Sex Research found that men with high levels of sexual shame reported lower life satisfaction, more dysfunction, and greater relationship conflict. This shame is not just a feeling, it's a pattern, and it is everywhere. Now let's talk about how that shame leads to what we call codependency. Here's how it works. When you carry shame, you believe you are not as lovable as others. You believe that you have to earn love. So you try to be the perfect boyfriend, the nice perfect friend, the fixer to everybody's problems. You suppress your needs and you avoid conflict. You become very passive-aggressive. You try to be the good guy in all circumstances. You never ever want to rock the boat, that's for sure. And you know what all that creates? A guy who is deeply, deeply resentful. Pia Malati— I don't know if I pronounced that right or not— they wrote the book on codependency, literally, and they called this, quote, "the disease of the lost self." You have lost you in the process of trying to, quote, "keep the peace and not rock the boat." You, due to all your shame, may think that being a nice guy is the key to saving your relationship. You, Mr. Nice Guy, may think that your passivity, not rocking the boat, not causing any drama, happy wife, happy life, yes dear, whatever you say dear, you may think that's the key to a happy relationship. And it's not. In fact, it is probably killing your relationship. Because this is what your partner sees as a result of all of your shame. She sees a partner who will not lead. She sees a partner who is afraid of his own desires. And she sees a partner who seeks out validation as opposed to connection. This is in part why so many, quote, nice guys end up in dead bedrooms. They end up getting cheated on and they get blindsided by divorce. It's not because they weren't good men. It's because they were never fully themselves. So how do you heal from all this, right? You do not fix your internalized shame by just doing better and better and better. You fix it by becoming more authentic. Talk about this with others. Talk about it in a men's group. Talk about it in therapy. Our group, the Brotherhood, is really good for this, and you can learn more at help4men.com/join. You need to learn to reconnect with your body. You need to learn to stop numbing yourself. Stop chasing orgasm for orgasm's sake. Start moving again in a healthy way. Start breathing again in a healthy way. Start feeling again. Start journaling. And it's not necessarily just your day-to-day activities either. Think back on the past. Write down on a piece of paper and ask yourself difficult questions. What did I learn about sex growing up? Where did those stories come from? Are they even factually true? Learn to say what it is that you want in life. And yes, that includes in the bed. And do so without shame. You are allowed to want. It's okay. You have value. Surround yourself with what we call truth tellers, those who want the best for you. You want to be around men who have done the work. They will not shame you but they're not gonna let you hide either. As Dr. Dan Siegel put it, quote, "The cure for shame is exposure to empathy." Look, I know this stuff is not easy. Shame, it's like a parasite, a tick buried in there. It hides, it lies to you, it convinces you that you are the cause of all your problems, but you're not. You're just a man who was never taught to own who you really are. And you can change all of that starting right now. Drop a comment down below wherever it is that you're watching this. Do you experience toxic shame? Where do you think this came from?