In this advice video, host Ralph "DSO" Brewer reads a listener’s submission (CS) about a two‑year "dead bedroom" with his 54‑year‑old wife who, after menopause, reports that sex feels "gross" and unnecessary. CS describes his attempts at conversation, hormone replacement therapy, couples therapy, and ultimatums to separate, while expressing love for his wife but also a loss of attraction and fear of starting over at age 52. Brewer contextualizes the scenario as a common dynamic among men in their 50s whose wives experience a sharp decline in libido, explaining that this is not a moral failing but often a physiological and psychological shift. He introduces the concept of hysterical bonding—temporary spikes in connection when a relationship feels threatened—and notes that such spikes usually fade. Brewer emphasizes that the wife’s lack of sexual interest makes her a poor match for a man who still desires a healthy sex life, and he outlines possible routes forward: separation (including legal considerations), a trial period apart, or non‑monogamous arrangements such as an open marriage. He acknowledges the emotional weight of guilt and fear, but ultimately encourages CS to prioritize his own wellbeing, asserting that he can find fulfillment elsewhere if he chooses.
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All right, folks, we have a new Dear DSO entry on the website, and you can submit your own story or question to deardso.com. Fill out the form, submit your question, and if it's a good one, I'll create a video out of it for the whole world to see. And don't forget, you do have the option of chatting with me one-on-one live, and we can talk it out here for everyone to see or listen to on the podcast, as it were. And this one comes from CS, and he says, DSO— that's me, by the way— he says, hi, I'm a 52-year-old father of two grown kids. My low libido wife is 54 years of age, and I'm going through the throes of menopause. We have a dead bedroom, meaning zero activity for two years and minimal contact in the years prior. Otherwise, we have a great relationship, he says. Heard that one a few times. I first had, quote, the talk with her about 2 years ago, and she ran the gamut from sympathy to anger, parentheses, because menopause is a medical condition, all the way to apathy. She made an attempt to start hormone replacement therapy, but she quickly stopped when it made no change in her libido. And she found that she didn't like the side effects. We have had several more conversations in which I have told her our roommate situation was not sustainable. We began couples therapy. During one of these sessions, she told the therapist that sex was basically gross and at our stage of the life/marriage, it's unnecessary. That was like a slap in the face. I told her I want to separate and she went off the rails, extremely distraught, and then angry that I would leave her over a, quote, medical condition. I told her that I would reconsider if she would take the, if she would take the situation seriously. Parentheses, I know, fool me once, dot dot dot. That was right before the holidays and nothing changed. I once again told her that I was considering leaving, and she told me that she made an appointment with her OB-GYN to revisit the whole hormone replacement therapy thing. Uh, the issue now is, although I love her immensely, I don't know that I feel like I am attracted to her after 2 years as her roommate. And it sounds like even longer than that. I don't know that I would be back in if she suddenly started pursuing me. Interesting. Most people would say just leave. I love her, and I'm honestly afraid at 52 of starting over again. But I'm in shape, I'm active, I like to get out, and I seem to be attractive to members of the opposite sex even at 52. I also don't want to spend the next 20 years of my life regretting staying. I feel immensely guilty for telling her for 2 years, quote, fix this or else. And now that she seems to have woken up, I'm not sure I want to. Thank you, CS. Well, um, if you're a fan or follower of mine and you've been, you know, watching videos or listening to the podcast, reading material, whatever, you know that this is just the boilerplate template for a kind of a I don't know if it's your average, maybe that's being too, too harsh with the language, but a common dynamic between a man, 50s, sometimes we hear this scenario in the 40s, but usually 50s and up. So a 50-year-old or older gentleman who still has it going on in the physical, emotional department and is eager and ready to do the deed with wife. And wife is saying that has shut down completely. Thank you, menopause, aging, all this good stuff. As your wife puts it, that's just not in the cards at all anymore. She considers it gross and unnecessary. So you have a very fundamental mismatch, don't you, my friend? Can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't want or desire a healthy sexual relationship while remaining in the relationship with this woman. I don't know how much more blunt I can get. Now, some people here in your story, you know, what I just read, said out loud here, and some people hearing that, probably mostly women, will say, Ralph, that's a bit harsh. Guys, we're talking 2 years of nothing between the 2 of them, and prior to that, minimal contact between the 2 of them. This woman is not a sexual creature. Let me qualify that further. This woman is not a sexual creature when within the confines of a traditional monogamous marriage. That is not unusual. That does not paint her as a monster. That's just how she's wired, probably. And she's not alone. There are a lot of men as well that are wired in this way. There are plenty of men out there that say, um, ever since my wife had a baby, I stopped seeing her as kind of this erotic sexual creature that I used to. I no longer lust for her as she walks across the room. Now I just see mom to my children, and I don't do fill-in-the-blank things with her anymore. I save that for girlfriends or mistresses, affair partners, something like that. Yeah, awful, but that happens. Some women are wired the same way. Now that I'm in the confines of this relationship, things kind of shut down. And I have no interest in restarting them. And then menopause hits and they're like, oh yeah, I for sure have no interest, period, done. I'm just shutting down shop. And there's her very, I'm gonna say it, anxious, and I'm also gonna say codependent husband who's saying, I don't like this. Dude, a standard phrase of mine that I find myself saying more and more these days is, I don't know what to tell you, man. There's no magic formula here. There's no sprinkle a little bit of fairy dust over your situation and suddenly your wife blossoms and turns into a sexual creature. This is who she is. If you have any semblance out of her of a, you know, resurgence isn't the right word, a newly discovered sexuality on her part at this stage in your relationship, you can guarantee that the origin of such Emergence is an artifact of the fear of losing comfort and stability. Not a conniving thing on her part. It's not a pre-planned, let me hook this guy thing on her part necessarily. Maybe in some cases, but most of the time it's a very real psychological phenomenon that we see in human beings, which is a heightened sense of connection and sexuality when the structure of their relationship is threatened. An extreme example of this is one person finds out that the other person, the other spouse, has had an affair. And what those people will report is that, "Oh wow, ever since the affair discovery, what a heightened sense of connection between my spouse and I." The person that was cheated on feels weird about that. Why am I, in essence, turned on by this? Connection, wanting to reconnect. And the person who was the cheater, they don't get it either, because as of just several weeks ago or longer, they wanted nothing to do with this person, which is why they went out and looked for it elsewhere. And now here they are coming together in a very strong way, but it fizzles out eventually, sometimes in just a matter of weeks, and they go back to square one again. And they look back and go, what the hell is that all about? It's a phenomenon known as hysterical bonding. I won't go into it because that's not the point of this message, but, you know, Google it. It's a thing. So you may experience some semblance of that. I'm going to the doctor. I'm working on us. Let me, you know, jump on you in bed. And you're like, woohoo, everything's fixed. And then 6 weeks later, you're like, we're back to square one again. I'm telling you, dude, I've heard it a million times. And again, I want to stress, this doesn't make her a monster. It just makes her a person who's probably not a good match for you. And let's be honest, probably not a good match for most healthy, physically and emotionally healthy men in relationships. To just be told, um, you now need to be a eunuch, I'm going to virtually castrate you, that side of your life is over, mister, sorry. No healthy man endures that. There are alternate ways of navigating through this mess. I don't necessarily condone them or promote them, but some people have used tools such as open marriages. All right, honey, if you and I can't work out, maybe I go, I go get it elsewhere. Surprisingly, some wives and husbands in these situations are cool with that. Who am I to judge? But I'm willing to bet if she's like most women in that scenario, she would say, yeah, you do, and I'll take you for everything you're worth. So I don't know what to tell you, dude. I think if you remove yourself from the situation, maybe a good middle ground is a separation period. You go elsewhere, she goes elsewhere. You probably need to consult with an attorney to decide who goes where. Um, and I think with distance and time the fog will clear from your eyes and you'll look back on this with clear vision and say, oh wow, um, this was effed up from day one, day number one. And it took me all these years, kids and marriage and everything else, to finally wake up and go, what was I thinking? And then you will realize, you know, picking at some of the things you said here in your message, that 52 years of age If you're in fact in shape, charming, not afraid of conversation, opening up to people, putting yourself out there, you'll be fine. Trust me, you'll be fine. There are plenty of men on the internet and otherwise to tell you, you know, differently. They'll say, oh no, no, I haven't had a date in 2 years, whatever. They may not be you, CS. A lot of guys have a lot of problems. Women too. Let's not listen to them. If you play your cards right, you will be fine. More than fine. All right, brother, best of luck to you. Thank you for reaching out. I appreciate it.
