In this candid relationship‑advice monologue, Ralph Brewer addresses a caller named John who has endured years of his wife’s rude, disrespectful, and sometimes abusive behavior. Brewer outlines how John’s long‑standing pattern of codependency and “nice‑guy” responses has enabled his wife’s conduct, effectively training her that disrespect is acceptable. He explores possible underlying causes for the wife’s shift—such as serious illness, grief, menopause, or trauma—while emphasizing that these factors do not excuse ongoing abuse. Brewer then provides a step‑by‑step framework for setting boundaries: (1) directly confront the behavior with clear, calm language; (2) articulate specific expectations and consequences; (3) follow through with firm actions, ranging from temporary separation to ultimatums and, if necessary, divorce. He stresses the importance of the husband protecting his own mental health, seeking therapy, and recognizing that ending the relationship may be the only viable path when the partner refuses to change. Throughout, he balances empathy for the wife’s possible struggles with a firm stance that the husband must stop tolerating disrespect, and he encourages men to prioritize self‑respect and emotional well‑being.
Chapters
recording interviews. 13-year dead bedroom. I read your book 20+ times. Well, I hope it sunk in. Thank you, I guess. A little concerning, John. Uh, my question is this, um, oh, he says, and I've learned a lot from it. So very good, I appreciate that. My question is this: I've improved in most, most areas. I was the anxious needy guy, but now I'm working on boundaries because my wife is an asshole to me most of the time. Well, that's not good. What tips do you recommend for setting boundaries for a wife that is rude and often treats me like she doesn't like me? Well, that's not good, my friend. I mean, what more can you do other than, hey, don't treat me that way, don't talk to me that way, what's up with you? You know, there's the loving way about it, which is, whoa, have a seat, wife. No, no, no, timeout, we need to talk about something. And sit her down and go, what's going on with you? You all right? Like, because that's— I know this isn't your wife, but this is like pretend like this was early on, right? And you can say like, you know, this isn't like you to lash out like that. So something going on I need to be aware of? Something I can help you with? Anything going on? Because that was no bueno. We ain't doing that again, are we? You know, you're probably like, yeah, Ralph, I should have done that like, you know, 20— what, 20-plus years ago or whatever it is. Oh, 13 years. I'm— 20 times you read the book, 13 years. So you probably should have done that 13 years ago, right? But, but now you are Unfortunately, 13 years later, I would assume 13 years of not so good behavior on her part and on your part, let's be honest. And in terms of— I'm not trying to blame the victim, so to speak, but this goes for anybody. It's not a gendered thing. I find myself saying that more and more so I don't piss off the ladies so much. You ladies, you tend to be a little sensitive about this stuff. Sorry, but call them what it is. But, um, you put up with this not so good behavior. Let's say like 13 years ago, she has that moment. Instead of sitting her down and going, what's going on with you? You Why would you act that way? I would never talk to you that way. You let it go and you maybe sulk a little bit and do the silent treatment, and then she acts better the next day. And okay, well, let's just pretend that didn't happen, right? That seems to be the go-to nice guy needy behavior codependent kind of, uh, oh, uh, response to such things. Like, let's just pretend that didn't happen. And then the following week it happens again and you're like, well, I learned the first time this is one of those things that kind of blows over, so we'll just— I'll just go do my thing and ignore it, or I just slunk my head and say, "Yes, dear, whatever you say, dear." Move on and we'll pretend that didn't happen. Okay, so you stack, let's say, like 500 such instances over the course of 10+ years. What are you doing? You are training your partner, your spouse, that, "Hey, what you just did is, it's a-okay. That's all right, because look how I'm responding. I'm just letting it go. That's cool. Whatever you want to do, however you want to talk to me, treat me, hit me, whatever it is." That's cool. Pardon me. So I'm not— again, I'm not victim blaming here, but, um, you know, you go in— I'm trying to picture like a boxer who doesn't put his guard up. What does the ref say in a boxing match every time? Protect yourself at all times. So let's picture a boxer that goes in and puts his hands behind his back, puts his chin out there, and gets knocked out. And he's like, goddamn it, Ralph, what can I do to stop getting knocked out? Well, put your damn hands up. In other words, stick up for yourself, the boundaries. And your comeback will be, yeah, dude, it ain't working. She continues to be a real dickhead to me. I mean, what more can you do, John, other than say, number one, cut it out, or number two— this is the big or, and I'm potentially jumping way ahead here, it could be like there's a thousand steps in between here and there— but it needs to be plain as day that, you know what, if that behavior continues out of your wife, you're not gonna have John around to kick around much anymore. You're not gonna have a hubby. I like myself too much for that bullshit. So can we cut it out, please? Maybe talk like two adults here. Can we hash out what's going on here? Why you're lashing out and acting this way? Because that's not good. And John, I'm assuming a lot here. You could say, and this is something a lot of men should say because it should be true, which is, you don't see me acting that way towards you or towards the kids or whatever. That's not good. I'm not like that. I would never do that to somebody I love. So why are you talking to me that way, wife? Go, let's hear it. What's going on with you? If she gives you the old middle finger and says, you know, go away, what does that tell you? That's, that's who she is, man. Whether it's as a result of her upbringing— yes, let's be honest, it probably has a lot to do with it— um, stuff going on in her life. Um, let's put this out there, I've heard this more than a few times. This isn't a demonization of women, so let's not go there, ladies. But let's be honest, this happens. And it is— a guy will tell me there are certain milestones in life where it goes from wife 1.0 to wife 2.0, like she flips. And oftentimes the men are like, I don't like wife 2.0 or wife 3.0 or whatever these milestones in life are. Sometimes, let's be honest, it could be something as horrible as she had breast cancer. And I've had men tell me like, I was there to nurse my wife. She was near death. We made it through. She lost her hair, lost all this weight, yada yada. Surgeries galore, radiation therapy, chemo, and the whole nine yards. And she came out of that a different person. Well, obviously, who wouldn't, right? She's a human being. Give her some grace. Yeah, but her version of a human being was a personality shift that was really mean. Lashed out at the kids, lashed out at everyone including me, husband. And these men will say, and I, I feel bad for feeling bad towards her. I'm her partner. I'm supposed to be there for her through thick and thin, but goddamn it, there's only so many, you know, tirades a person can take telling them over and over again how worthless you are. And I'm trying to give her some grace. She's been through a lot, but that's no excuse for her to treat me that way. And it's true, it's not. So they need to go get help with that. And sometimes the reaction is the guy eventually says, she won't get help, she won't change. We've been at this for years. It started ever since, insert terrible incident here. Sometimes death of a child. That's the worst possible thing any parent can think of, right? But any therapist will tell you, um, with the death of a child, more often than not comes the disintegration of the, of the couple, of the family. It's such a stressor. And it's something that they can't overcome as a couple. You would think that a tragedy like that may bring you closer together, but usually not. Some not so terrible drastic things include menopause, for example. We'll have guys that will say, my wife was this way, and then around the age of 46 or so, man, she started changing and she wasn't feeling so good and the periods were irregular and all this other stuff. And she went to the doctor and the doctor said, welcome to menopause, lady. And for whatever reason, she doesn't want to do the hormonal therapy, which is every— she has every right to refuse or go on it or whatever. It's her body. I mean, whatever she wants to do, right? And, um, the man's like, I feel terrible, but this ain't my wife no more. Again, she lashes out at everything. She's super angry at everything. She lashes at the kids. She's— she quit her job. She's going through— she's going through a lot. And I don't like this woman, a lot of guys will say. So it could be you're now dealing with, John and others, like a Wife 2.0 situation. I don't know. Um, but regardless of how you got there, the point needs to be made. This is not sustainable. This is not healthy. I am— like myself too much to put up with this nonsense. We got to either come to a compromise here. Let's work together to figure this out and get over the hump, or we need to call it quits. That has to always be there as a possibility. We don't have to be together. We can look back on our previous so many years together and say they were great. I love you. I'll always love you. In a way, maybe not romantically, but I— you'll always have a place in my heart as, you know, mother to my children or former partner in crime for so many years, whatever it may be. But this current version of us is unsustainable, it's unhealthy, and it makes me feel depressed and less of myself. And I'm trying like hell to fix this, and you are saying go F yourself again and again. I don't know what else to do. You have to have that as an option out there. If it's not, there's— ironically, there's no avenue for change for many people. Something that a lot of men don't like to hear is that for some folks, the change comes— the change meaning let's reverse directions and go towards a meaningful compromise and healthy relationship— that turn doesn't happen until one partner says, all right, here's the divorce papers. As you can see, I wrote together a nice agreement. It's, you know, fair for both. Just sign here and the process will begin. And sometimes the person says, oh shit, you were serious. Okay, now I'm willing to make that turn with you. It's like, well, I've only been talking to you about this for freaking months or years now. Suddenly this wakes you up? Yeah, sometimes that's what it takes. Ultimatums, sometimes they work, guys. They're not a nefarious, terrible, awful thing. Sometimes that's what it takes. That sometimes people need to be face down in the gutter like your addicts and so forth in order for them to bring about change in their life. Otherwise they just go about doing what they're doing. As you can see, I go on and on about this kind of stuff. So, John, have you put that out there that this is a possibility? You're about to lose John, your hubs here, if you keep this up, wife. Is that what you want to do? Really? If so, ugh, sucks, but I guess we can go that direction. Or are you willing to make some change here?
